I had a horrible nightmare right before I woke up. My Dad was helping me move, I had 3 cat carriers and 2 bags. I got off the bus and to the ticket counter and I only had the bags. I was quite upset.
Really an awful way to start the day. Happily I had Biscuit screaming for breakfast so I knew the cats were OK They all came and ate (Torbie later than most). But I saw them. So that fear is gone, but so many ways things could go wrong and I do lose the cats.
Probably my biggest fear: Ron hurts himself somehow; I am blamed for it and charged. That would be my worst nightmare. That is one reason I do document all his self destructive behavior. I know it may be hard to read but it might save my butt one day.
If something happens to me (injury, etc) I have no one local who could take the cats short or long term. I'm on my own. For now. That is one thing I should look into.
Ron behaved last night. I told him if he didn't, I would make him listen to "I apologize" by Five Finger Death Punch. He was pretty horrified at the prospect, and was "good".
I am taking today off my workouts. I am down a total of 5 pounds since I started working out. It's a good start. Next time you go to the grocery store find the fats section (Crisco, lard, solid fats). Look at one, five, and 20 pounds of fat. It is considerable. I feel a looseness in my clothes even though the loss has been elusive on the tape measure.
I am not doing this for fat loss. To be honest, probably started and maintain it more for the mental health aspect. Lots of good chemicals get released during a workout. A workout rids the body of physical stress. I enjoy seeing improvement with most workouts, like my last strength training workout - I was able to do more get-ups than I had before, and nearly 3x what I did a few weeks ago. I want to get healthy, I have a huge family history of heart disease and I don't forget that.
I don't want to end up like Ron, rotting in a wheelchair, able to do less and less each day because I refuse to fight for my health.
It's a mostly day off, going to the bank and then home. I will likely do a load of laundry and scrub out the tub in the hopes I can get Ron to take a bath this weekend. I will also (if he permits) help him clean out his room. We just need to gt the foot of the bed now, and under his bed. I have a rake outside just itching to get under that bed and yank everything out.
Tomorrow is probably going to be a work day, but first I will do Kettlebells early, then go to the warehouse, get our supplies, go to the shop, stock, etc. come home. That means Monday will be SUPER easy because we would have already stocked.
But Ron needs to talk to the driver first.
And I need to take a shower. Happily I shaved my legs YESTERDAY so I don't need to worry today, I think I will take it easy and use the 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner. I am not badly depressed but it is there.
Ron doesn't understand it takes me days to recover from sleep deprivation, and ongoing sleep deprivation plays hell with my mental health. Maybe he thinks it is easier to "keep" an ill woman, I don't know... but nothing healthy motivating that. And then he sleeps during the day, all day, when I can't.
When Ron dies I am going to be a long time working out my anger at him.
10 comments:
Here are some things that bother me:
1. Why would you ask a driver who is always late and who Ron yelled out and berated to drive you to the store to get inventory for work? Is this really a true thing because I just don't buy it at all.
2. Your refusal to take over the finances and have that talk with Ron about the reasons why.
3. On June 10th you say you had to pay the homeowners insurance. But since you have a mortgage that is automatically rolled into your mortgage payment. The leads me to believe you have a paid off house and just don't want anyone to know. More than likely your father paid off the house or you got money when your mother died since she had money. Nothing wrong with that just tell the truth.
4. Your insistence that if ron goes in a nursing home or dies that you will lose the house (see #1 again).
5. Your belief that if ron didn't drink he would be decent and not abusive. Which is not true because he has been abusive from the beginning of your relationship. Abusers have good periods with their victims and bad periods. If it was all bad maybe more would leave sooner.
6. Your talking about getting remarried when ron dies. You would probably find someone similar to him so better to stay away from men altogether and stay single.
7. Your saying when any of your cats pass that you won't get anymore and then also saying you would get ron another cat if baby girl passed away.
Boy, you are making a TON of assumptions. Wrong, all of them.
1. We are desperate for a driver. We have NO ONE right now and I do not want to finance the sexual exploitation of a woman (my only other option).
2. Other than overtipping, Ron does fine with the finances. I need to remind him to pay the credit card bill again but that's it.
3. WE PAY OUR OWN INSURANCE AND TAXES. That is a THING, you can DO, if you SIGN AN FORM when you buy the house. We let them roll taxes into our monthly bill every year but we still pay our own insurance. You are so sure YOUR way is the ONLY WAY IT CAN HAPPEN but we have been doing it this way for 15 years now. BTW, flood insurance ($1,400 last year) is due in October if you are making notes.
4. If Ron goes into a nursing home Medicaid gets the house when he dies. That is a fact. If he dies without the nursing home I may be able to keep it but that is not certain.
5. My OBSERVATION when he doesn't drink he is customarily kind and loving. We had a fairly decent morning capped by feeding the cats treats when we got home from running our errands. He has been a heavy drinker for 12 years now, but I have noticed he is much nicer when "dry".
6. I said, IF I remarry it is going to be a LONG TIME because my head is scrambled. I also said "Hey readers, kick my butt if I get into a relationship quickly after Ron dies".
7. I will get another cat if Baby Girl dies because Ron is extremely bonded to her. If Biscuit or Torbie dies I will not get another because BG is a bit territorial. Biscuit would love another cat, Torbie would not. But odds are Torbie, at 15, will go first. Ron will miss her but she is really "my" cat.
Now that I have polished off all the assumptions and generalizations I will go back to living my life. There is a jar of pickles with my name on it.
I could understand your skepticism regarding my fiances IF I were asking for money, which I have never done.
4. If Ron goes into a nursing home Medicaid gets the house when he dies. That is a fact. If he dies without the nursing home I may be able to keep it but that is not certain.
If you are both on the house as joint owners I am pretty sure they CANNOT take the house if Ron goes into a nursing home. Now since we know how foolish you are when it comes to money and regards to the man having ALL the control I would be surprised if you tell me that you are also on the house with ron. If you are not. NOW is the time to get your name on the house so that medicaid cannot take the house. You really need to look into the laws regarding this also as they vary from state to state. I would look it up for you but since you never take any of my advice I really don't want to waste my time.
Now with your belief that medicaid will take the house when ron buys it is curious WHY ron would have purchased coverage that paid the house off when he died. What would be the point if you may or may not get to keep the house based on arbitrary nonsense like above.
Now for your other points you do have a documented habit of saying one thing and then doing the opposite so more than likely you would meet some loser pretty fast after ron's passing and ignore ALL the advice you are given by people like myself.
As for the money you still refuse to add up how much he wastes on over spending on cab rides and over tipping. I am estimating that it is a good $500 plus a month. Though you have backed down on cab rides since the last time it was mentioned a few months ago (or at least don't mention them). So no he is not responsible with the money because waste is waste. I knew you would never assume control of the money. It is just how you were raised to be helpless and at the mercy of someone else.
Lastly I don't know what sexual exploitation of women has to do with the unbelievable post you made about this consistently late driver picking you up to get product to fill the vending machines. The only thing I can think is you must have paid him short of a kings ransom to make it appealing for him to do this.
I did just look it up and medicaid cannot take the house if there is a spouse living there. So that begs the question who told you that they can? You can also as I said previously have the house put solely in your name if you want to make extra sure.
Is the house only in Ron's name? I am sure the rules vary by state, but I think the primary home is exempt from being sold to pay back medicaid as long as you are both listed as owners and you are alive at the time of his death. If he is the sole owner, than the house will be sold at his death, Medicaid will be paid from the sale and his estate will get any remaining money.
Is Ron concerned about what will happen to you if he dies? A trip to an elder care attorney while Ron is still able to make decisions could set you up to be better protected in the event of his death or entry into a nursing home. There may be non profit legal organizations in your area that could help with this as well.
If he is not willing to take steps to protect you, he is a terrible husband.
I feel for your situation and I wish you the best. I will pray for you.
In Texas, if you're married it's joint. So we are both on the deed but only him on the mortgage. I do have a will, and so does he.
I don't think he is ready to talk about a nursing home yet, and when he is sober there is far less need. His problems are really controlled by what he is putting in his mouth.
@ Who told me "they" could take the house, I knew a woman online in a prayer group named Jane. Her husband had a stroke and was essentially a vegetable, she wanted to keep the meat alive and did many extreme procedures to "save" him, up to and including dialysis on this guy who could barely speak because "I can't lose him". It was really a wake up call to me on what NOT to do for Ron.
Anyway, she said over and over she HAD to keep him alive because Medicaid would take the home 30 days after he died. Claimed that it had, in fact, happened, last I heard and was of course asking for "love offerings" to "help with expenses".
The last thing she did before he died was pay a doctor to pull every tooth in his head because "it might help with the blood infection". He was in agony, the next day they took him for more surgery and he coded during - I think they did a slow code and let him go. It was far past his time and all on the taxpayer's dollar.
I could never understand why she bothered because she admitted he was a serial cheater. I broke off contact with her because she kept insisting demons were the cause of my mental illness, insisting that the medication is take was devastating to my mental, physical, and spiritual health, etc.
She also said at one point she had been possessed by several demons who also made her appear to have multiple personality disorder. She got very shrill and angry about the mental illness medication to the point I warned her this was a friendship breaker, she kept doing it so UNFRIEND. Then all the people we had in common said she was wailing I had ditched her all over Facebook.
Probably not the best person to trust for legal advice!
I'm on the house with Ron.
About being "bad" with money, I funded my own college through careful savings. Ron and I saved up, spent our money intelligently (then) and bought the house.
Currently I have savings for the dentist and my eye exam
Money saved for cat vet visit x3 plus flea medication, nail trims, and possible blood test for Torbie. That was more than 2 weeks of my pay but I saved it all on what I make.
I have an escape fund if it becomes necessary. It is easy to access, as well, so I can just grab and go if it comes to that. However with Biscuit sick and dependent on special food that is more difficult.
I also have emergency transportation money saved to go to work/hospital if Ron is sick or "unwell"
I would say I am pretty careful with what's in my pocket. Ron is not as much but he is the business owner.
We did have a talk about the large cab tips and he agreed to stop. He gave a generous, but acceptable to me, tip today on the way home from the bank.
That is your problem right there, being in a prayer group with a bunch of nut cases. Especially "Jane". This is why you should never get in another relationship - because you attract the crazy. Now about the house. Jane is a moron and no they cannot take the house from you if ron goes into a nursing home or if he dies. They cannot sell it to pay off his "medicaid" debt either. Why not have ron give you the money to go speak to an elder care attorney like someone else posted above so you can get the correct information and legal advice regarding how to protect yourself. You also have access to the internet so there is no excuse not to have looked this information up yourself.
And please stop lying abut ron and his b.s. about agreeing to stop with the excessive tips. Even a generous tip is unreasonable when you have to save to get a damn eye exam and dental because he won't pay for it. But he can give 50 - 300 tips to cab drivers when he is drunk. You know he will be back to the excessive tipping in short order and those cab drivers like Arturo are taking advantage of you. A decent person would take the tip from ron, give himself a reasonable tip and hand the rest back to you. The man is blind he would never know. That is the only reason Arturo comes when you call because you are worth 4 or 5 fares to him when you count drunken fools generosity into the equation.
I don't believe you went to college. Plus why is he only on the mortgage if you both saved up the money? You back pedal a lot when people call you out on your inconsistencies.
So now you can stop saying you will lose the house because you won't lose the house.
Boy, I am busy today.
I went to college and got 3 units shy of an accounting certificate I believe it was either 15 or 18 credit hours total. 3.2 GPA until I got to managerial accounting! Boo! Not a good teacher and totally scrambled brains at the time. Failed!
Other than that I did well at all the courses. Then we moved and I had to work full time plus help Ron get the business going, no time for college. After we started the business no way time for college.
My credit was about 20 points worse than his so the broker said it would be better if we just got it in Ron's name. I haven't had a problem with that.
I am a fatalist when it comes to whatever happens. Either I will keep the house or I won't. If I lose it and go to an apartment someone else would have to pay all the taxes and repairs. But I would rather keep my house. The cats love their catio.
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