It's not if, it's WHEN.

The pizza was very good, I slept OK, and I decided to do my workout later today.  I got up, took my shower, helped Ron, etc.  We went to work, it was a straight trip but a little late. 

We did not have any deliveries so it didn't matter.  We got there and 2 soda machines were down.  Ron did not call in for a repair so they will just be down until he does. 

He had some pain before leaving the house, I gave him some Kratom, it lasted for several hours.  He did not drink after taking it. 

We got to work and I helped him stock what we could, etc.  Basically fetching and carrying, being at his beck and call, for hours, doing EVERYTHING he requested and then some.  After all that he sorted change (with my help) while I simultaneously did my work.  I couldn't do much,though, because he wouldn't make a trip to go to the warehouse to buy candy bars.  The customers are going to be pissed about that. 

But I did it all, carrying the business on my back the way I do.  I got Ron outside and put him under the shade tree while I waited in the hot sun.  Because I like to think of myself as a kind person and I don't like to see him all sweaty.  He is always dehydrated, too, so could be more prone to heat illness. 

ANYWAY,  went home, came in the house.  I had 1 slice of pizza and a glass of soy milk mixed with regular milk.  I am rather fond of my concoction.  I told him I was going to take a quick nap and went and laid down with Torbie.  I had trouble falling asleep, and when I finally did I heard him literally shouting conversation at our "new" driver, on the phone.  I went out and asked him to be quiet, I was trying to sleep. 

He was OK with that.  I laid down again but I couldn't sleep.  In that, I'm like my Dad - sometimes if you wake me up I'm not going back to sleep.  I got up and told Ron forget about being quiet, I was awake now.  "I thought you were going back to sleep" 

"I couldn't go back to sleep"
"What was the problem?" 
"You were very loud on the phone and woke me up"  Had he allowed me to finish I would have said, I can sleep when you have a normal conversation, but when you are saturated with vodka you want to scream all your conversations, even talking to the cat.  It is very tiresome. 

All he heard was "You were loud".  Cue personal attacks on my weight, my need for sleep, my ability to help with the business, etc.  Cue name calling.  He's just a hardworking (!) man trying to run a business and I'm attacking him (all this I never yelled at him or raised my voice). 

He was very drunk, but he did manage to get himself to bed - with the radio I just bought him.  I am sure he will listen to it as he lies in bed telling himself I'm a bitch. 

Alcohol just makes him a really ugly, unpleasant, person.  I don't like who he is when he drinks.  He's just ugly and hateful.  He can be plenty ugly and hateful when sober, but it is amplified when he does drink, which as we all know is "every day". 

I have seen maybe a half dozen people I know (save my Aunt's family) drink, and they were all diminished by the alcohol - or bad traits worsened, just ugly, awful, and embarassing.  My aunt's family is probably the norm - I have seen a couple of them all have one drink and then put it away.  They were fine with it.  They did not get ugly or awful.  But everyone else, pretty much, did. 

That's just my experience. You may have a rousing time drinking at home or with your friends.  I don't begrudge you that - I will have a WORD if you're pregnant - but the average person probably is not ugly with alcohol.  I just don't have enough experience. 

To be honest, based on what I have seen with Ron I have always tried to avoid people who drink.  Yes, Ron went out of his way to be nice to me when he was in excruciating pain, needed a ride to the doctor, etc.  He generally is very nice to me when he needs something.  But the second he felt better - BAM - in with the personal attacks and hatefulness.  It just makes me want to walk out. 

It's a good thing, for him, I have the cats.  They define what I am willing to accept.  He had better hope they live a LONG time. 

I just feel so battered.  All I have ever done is help him.  I used to be utterly addicted to his approval - not so much these days, not for a long time.  He says something nice and that voice in my head repeats all the awful things he has ALSO said to me, and says it is better to receive nothing from him. 

He hasn't attacked my faith in a long time but I think I finally got it through to him that often, my faith was the only thing keeping me around.

If anyone knew the truth (verbal and physical abuse, alcoholic) they wouldn't blame me for ditching him.  I am trying to hold up my end of things but he is letting his end fall.  He wants to be a drunken victim.   How does a person fight that?  You can't. 

He became more disabled and needed a wheelchair that would fit in the bathroom, so he could toilet by himself.  I made that happen. 

Blood clots in his legs?  I took him to the doctor, the diagnostic center, and then the hospital.  I ran the business while he was in the hospital and cheerfully consented to him spending $500 a month on medication.  Because he needed all of it. 

I was nothing but supportive during the whole back surgery fiasco.  I made more money running the business by myself than he did. 

I take care of the cats',and his, every need.  Without an attitude. 

Where in this am I the bitch?  The whore?  The "fat" bitch?  The "lazy" person?  I don't see it. 

I am NOT putting myself out to be a saint, I have flaws.  I get resentful, more than I feel I should.  I don't want to by a martyr but I feel forced into the role sometimes and that makes me angry.  I get angry.  Times like now I hate him and wonder why I got "cheated" on my husband, especially when I see many of my friends in happy, healthy, loving relationships.  I resent him at times - he could TRY and fight, but he won't.  Bitter - yes, at times.  I work very hard on not living in these places. 

It is very hard not to.