I found his wedding ring today

So this morning he acted like nothing happened.  He didn't ask for help getting dressed so I was small enough to "let" him.  Later on, at work, he said he didn't smell very good.  I told him I had some rubbing alcohol in the stockroom but he said no. 

He didn't apologize but was shocked.  The driver who is always late is willing to help us with our supply runs AND has a truck with an 8 foot bed - empty.  Our helpers, many of them, have a very bad habit of wanting to put a bunch of crap in the vehicle and then add our stuff to it.  It has made for some tight situations.  So an empty truck would be great. 

Ron was shocked this guy wanted to help us - and Ron has been AWFUL to this man.  He didn't believe me until I pushed him outside this morning to find the very man in our driveway, taking us to Sam's Club.  We talked on the way and Ron was very interested. 

We got to Sam's.  They are out of water AGAIN.  I am making a big loser "L" right now if you could see me.  Out of water for a week?  That makes us look SO bad.  And the customers won't drink anything else. 

But I did get some other things, candy we needed, and some chips.  The variety pack chip is always good as that can fill up a snack machine quickly. 

We had a good ride to work, I did the usual thing where I help him with ALL his work and then do mine.  Ron was rude, unappreciative, and outright abusive at times.  He was incredibly toxic and negative.  I finally said "It's always a pity party with you, isn't it?"  He shut up after that and did apologize, later. 

Our ride home was late, and full. 

Ron had to ride in the back compartment, an unpleasant ride at best, awful at worst.  I didn't feel bad for him.  I did leave him under the shade tree while I waited out in the sun, when waiting.  I believe in being gracious even when someone is being unspeakable. 

We had a long ride.  The two women in the back were almost as negative as Ron.  One (who could walk) kept going on about the difficulty of grocery shopping.  I mentioned how much I love Walmart delivery.  She had a very bad reaction to that. 

And I am pretty sure they do it with food stamps?  I love having people bring my stuff, it is great, saves time and trouble, not to mention lots of money.  I have to spend about $40 round trip, or $20 and hours on the bus, to go to Walmart.  Why wouldn't I do delivery and sit at home? 

But some people only want to complain. 

We finally got home.  The driver was sick so I got her some stuff to help her out.  I hate to see someone suffering, a fact I think Ron uses against me.  "You can't hold me accountable, I am a victim!"  But that only works so far. 

Ron had made a big production out of only having one drink this morning.  As soon as he got home he made a beeline for the vodka bottle.  So much for that. 

I had a snack (a glass of milk, and some Walmart brand Queso chips, so good!), and took a nap after I fed the cats. 

I slept 3 hours - catching up I guess.  I woke up with a headache but had some mountain dew to help with that.  Ron asked for my help, he had lost something in his room.  I took a look at the affected area and said I would help, but only with a garbage bag so I could purge all the obvious trash. 

He balked at that but I said I was tired of pawing through the same mountain of trash every time he lost something.  Lately that has been a couple times a week. 

I sat at the head of the bed and went through all the trash between the bed and the window.  Most of it was obvious stuff, like used q-tips.  I kept piling it in the trash bag.  I did have questions about some things but he wouldn't answer me, so I either put them on/in the dresser or threw them out.  I found the socks he lost a while back.  I found a ton of batteries, no clue if they are good or not.  I found a plastic container with a screw on lid. 

I opened it (Heather, you FOOL!) and found Ron's wedding ring sitting on top of some flash drives.  Ron was being pretty ugly again so I was in NO hurry to give it to him.  I asked what he wanted me to do with the flash drives.  He snapped at me.  I DEFINITELY didn't want to give him the wedding ring.  I just put the lid back and put them on top of his dresser. 

I got a pretty big bag of trash before Ron threw me out.  He was being very helpless and negative.  When did Ron become helpless? 

Anyway, I said something about the trash, he said something like "It will always be there, don't even try".  I said "If you say that, that's what will happen, but if you say (he cut me off at this point but I would have said) it will be cleaned up in a few days it will be"  That's when he threw me out. 

We need to go to the bank tomorrow and he wouldn't make a trip.  When we got to the 10 minutes 'till deadline I reminded him again.  "You make the trip".  So I did. 

He did find the thing he was looking for.  I am happy to help him purge out all the obvious trash, and help him find places for the stuff he wants to keep.  I am happy to do that.  I think I have done a pretty good job with the side of my bed, and the garage, just lately.  But I don't want a negative and defeatist attitude - ever -but particularly while I'm working. 

I am reading a book about self-talk.  Things we tell ourselves.  Lately I have been telling myself, "I am strong".  I think that is a good thing to say to myself.  Ron tells himself all sorts of ugly and defeatist things, then tries to say them to me.   I am not allowing that, which angers him to no end. 

He wants me to be hopeless and helpless, like himself.  If I am hopeless I won't ask him to make things better, improve himself, stop drinking, etc.  But that is not who I am and I don't think that's ever been who I am. 

I may tolerate certain behaviors because we are married, and he is crippled, but I don't excuse it.  I forget which actor said it but TRY damnit. 

It makes me realize his mother did a number on him, he is just so helpless now, acts like he has no control over anything, God is a sadist out to get him, and I am "helping Him" according to Ron today at work.  Helping God persecute him, not helping Ron, which is in reality exactly what I do. 

ALL I do is help him.  Even if I went into work (when he wasn't around) and did all the work, he would be utterly lost at home without me. He cannot even get out of the house by himself, much less take out the garbage.  I really expected he would realize this and value what I do.  Laundry?  Shopping?  Don't make me laugh. 

Everything good he has comes because I give it to him.  Why does he treat me so poorly?  I will probably never figure it out. 

And then every now and then it's "Oh, I love you so much, you will never know how much I love you".  RIGHT.  A man in love does not commit verbal abuse and drink to blackouts.  Actively SEEKING blackouts. 

Ugh. 

I didn't get my walk this morning, I'm going to go do it now.