Because I let him

Parts of today were very difficult.  The kitten had an attack of diarrhea right outside the litter box.  Guess who had to clean it up?  People food is now off the menu.  She has been fine up to this point.

Ron got upset about our horrible profit and loss statement - guess who he shouted at?  I just don't get that.  He has me.  Someone who has sworn before God to stick with him no matter what.  Someone who stuck with him when everyone else would have run.  Someone who lived in crack-town for 12 years with him.  Who cheerfully met him at the bus stop every day after work.  Someone who has stuck during physical trials, sickness, infirmity, infidelities, and poverty.  So why, when things look bad, would he want to yell at me?  I just don't get that.  I don't do it to him!

To my way of thinking, I should be the last person to get attacked, but he does.  No, he didn't attack me, attack me.  He was just very unkind shouting at me, and he scared the cats.  Oh, that makes me boil.

Which brought me to question #2.  Would a stray cat choose to live with humans, one of whom shouts at the other occasionally, or would it rather live on the street?  I have to think the cat would rather deal with a house, and the "barking".  After all, he never shouts at the cats.

I gave them some canned food, liver and chicken feast.  They like that a lot, they both finish it (everyone has enough to eat), and she gets liver in her diet.

Ron just got upset because I'm not checking the mail for him.  1.  I'm battling depression.  The last thing I want to do is get dressed (I am in a modest nightgown) and go check the mail.  I don't have the energy for it.  2.  I'm not going to do him favors when he is ugly.  When he is sober, tomorrow, I will tell him that "When you shout at me, I will not check the mail for you, or do you other favors".  I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior, and my fearful "accommodations" in the past have created quite the entitled little beast.

Of course that means I have to un-do all the sick, accommodating, "pleasing" activities of the past.  "Don't leave me" I'd mentally cry, as I rushed to do his bidding.  I had issues with that - my mother and sister left - my primary caregivers - when I was 3.  Then my Dad stuck me in daycare and left me every day.

Safe to say I have some attachment issues!  If I had a free shrink right around the corner, a Christian, I would absolutely go.  If.  I just looked up attachment issues on Wikipedia - oh yeah.  Definitely.

Now, I could do a post, wailing about why is he mean to me?  Frankly?  Honest, 100% truth?  Because I let him.  In the past, I was desperate to keep him at any cost.  The cost being my boundaries, my self-esteem, and my self-respect.  Now I have to undo it; and sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just "ditch" him and find a whole new man altogether.

However, God can make beauty from ashes (put that into Bible Gateway).  He can make a good husband out of a bad one; and I made vows.  So, I'll keep my vows.  I will be the best wife I can be.  Maybe Ron will work on being a better husband; maybe not.  I answer to God.  My job is pleasing Him.  God wants me to be my best; and I will.

What Ron does it up to him.  I will stop making Ron my God, and putting him up on an altar.  That has only made for monstrous, entitled, demanding behavior.