Loving Ron, right.

God has led me to a discovery: if something on the internet has me very upset, I'm probably "stuffing" some anger in my personal life.

Every Monday, for instance, I usually encounter the man who ran over my husband.  Roy is a terrible driver (I am so glad they got him off the powered industrial truck).  He ran over my husband due to negligence.

But, as Ron's quick to point out  - "He stopped.  He covered me up.  He called for an ambulance and got me a Life Flight."  That's one 911 call I hope I never hear.

The last time I saw the driver, close up, last Monday in fact; he literally hung his head when he saw me.  He still feels terrible for putting Ron in the wheelchair.  And maybe that's enough.

When I get upset and rave (here) about him, I'm usually in pain over another issue.  This morning I saw him riding a motorcycle, and my only thought was "I wonder if Ron would like to ride with him".  I even asked Ron - and he said no, based on the guy's driving record he didn't think it was a good idea.

I also thought the guy's wife will encounter what I did, if her husband doesn't start wearing a helmet.  Head injuries are ghastly.  Happily, my brother, also a "biker", wears a helmet.

So, when I got upset about a few things I read online, "How could someone be so stupid!",  I looked inside myself.

Unless you have been there, the land of addiction is almost impossible to understand.  I am addicted to caffeine and sugar, both legal drugs.  My addiction causes moderate harm to my body.

One of my readers commented; things seem to be going very badly for Ron and I.  In some regards, yes.  Financially we are in very bad shape.

In other regards, things are better.  Ron and I are talking more and have better intimacy.  He is not, as a rule, verbally abusive, when he is it's the alcohol talking.  He is attempting to moderate his drinking, because he realizes it hurts me too.   He is working and paying the bills.

But, the pain.  When I see him really drunk, confused, slurring his words, trying to walk; I hurt.  I hurt as badly as I did, watching him in Intensive Care.  Watching him sick, lying on the floor, with food poisoning (that was about 17 years ago), writhing in agony and vomiting.  As badly as I hurt when my cat comes home, injured.  As badly as I hurt when my Dad was in ICU waiting on a bypass operation.  As badly as I hurt when I found my mother had died next to a  2 liter bottle of vodka.

That's one thing I don't think gets covered: the incredible pain, for the family, watching the loved one battle the addiction.  It's very hard not to hate the substance, to want to beat it up, stab it to death (I did that once with a wine box back in 2004 - before medication), and flush it.  It doesn't work.

I just make him angry when I do that.  The way he sees it, it's his life raft, life preserver, bank account, and best friend all rolled up into one.  How could I treat his friend that way?

So, I don't.  I watch him go out by himself (that is my boundary - I do not buy him alcohol or help him do so), carrying the tote bag.  I watch or hear him come in, carrying his tote bag.  I don't know what he bought today, I just know he made a trip.

He told me he told the driver I don't help him with alcohol because I have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  I guess that's as a good a reason as any.  It's not wrong.  It's just not all of it.

One of the big things the intervention programs always try to stress: showing the addict how much the addiction hurts the loved ones.  It does.

Am I polishing my martyr halo?  No.  I have to accept that loving Ron, right now, as he is, comes with pain.  I can accept that or I can move on.

God does not want me to move on.  So many times, all the hassles that come with owning a home, and I just want to move into a nice quiet (ha!) apartment so badly - but that is not God's will for me!  He has made that abundantly clear... and also reminded me that bedbugs have made it to Houston.  Do I really want that on top of everything else?

No.

About 2 years ago, I tried to sign Ron up for the Intervention TV show.  They were interested for a bit, but I think the complexity of our case and the fact that Ron is not at step 1 (admit you have a problem), killed the concept.  I was very upset for a while.  I felt like that was my only chance to get him better.

God made Ron.  When the time is right, God will bring Ron to accountability on this issue.  I will ask God to do this, and to show me what to do and say when it does happen.

I want to make sure, I'm loving Ron, right.