Well, that was unpleasant. I'm not angry but I'm very hurt.
Ron is currently keeping 3 types of alcohol in the house. Beer, wine, and whiskey.
Ron keeps the whiskey in the smaller flask sized bottles you saw in the video. He believes he can "manage" if he does that.
The beer stays in it's can, in the case or in the fridge. No problems there.
However, he puts the wine into plastic bottles, 20 ounce size, and puts them into the fridge. Now, Ron used to put the wine in a cup. He has coughing attacks (which he refuses to take to a doctor). When he has a coughing attack, he coughs wine everywhere in addition to sloshing the open cup. So, I told him, if you must drink wine, and walk around drinking it, could you please put it into a covered container? I was very tired of sticky wine messes. He stacks the wine bottle on top of the beer, on the door of the fridge.
When I open the fridge, the 20 ounce bottles fall down onto my feet. I had bruising for weeks. Tonight my foot was throbbing as he opened the door, and I told him "A wine bottle fell on me this morning."
First he doubted it had even happened. He said I had to "prove it logically". My word was insufficient. Then accused me of "not liking logic" when I told him I expected him to take me at my word. He believed me when I said I filed the online report. He believes me when I tell him a bill is a $1 bill, or a $20. To me, it was a no brainer.
I asked him how he would feel, if I had left some food in the fridge. If it had fallen on his foot, he told me, and I didn't believe him. Oh, that was different.
I told him, you don't have to believe me. I was hoping you would move them where they won't fall on my foot. Could you do that?
Ah. No. He kept shouting that I couldn't prove it (I forgot he had been drinking before I mentioned this).
I finally said, Ron, do you believe me? No. So, my foot is hurting right now. How did that happen? He didn't know. Do you think the bottle fell on my foot? No. Do you think I took it out of the fridge and threw it on my foot? No. What did he think had happened? He kept shouting he didn't know, he couldn't prove it had happened, etc.
This is the kind of behavior that really makes me think I need to sign a durable medical power of attorney, so someone else can make my medical decisions. [sigh] I have some bad moments thinking about him making decisions when he's drunk and angry.
I asked him again, to move the wine. It would move about 2 feet, within the fridge, on the top shelf, so it wouldn't fall and hurt me anymore. No.
OK. I turned on TV and started watching. He stormed off and then came back later.
At first, he used a very placating voice. He finally admitted he did believe me, but since he couldn't "prove how it happened" it didn't matter. He said, even if it was falling on my foot, it had never fallen on his, and I would just have to open the fridge differently. He yanked open the fridge and a bottle fell on his foot.
So, he is convinced I am "opening the fridge improperly" and causing myself harm, by failing to accommodate all the alcohol stacked on the top shelf, of the door, of the fridge. If I get hurt, he said, it's all my fault.
Then he started shouting at me and calling me names. I said, "Ron, you are shouting at me. Could you stop?" He didn't, and started cursing at me as well. I told him "Ron, you are cursing at me, and shouting at me too. I am ending this conversation".
To his credit, he shut up. Although just now he asked me if I was interested in a "Science" lesson. I said no, because I knew it meant "opening the door of the fridge, properly" lessons.
And maybe it's just me, but that really pisses me off. I shouldn't have to open the fridge "special" to accommodate his drinking. He also admitted that drinking is "far" more important than me, and if anything I would have to accommodate alcohol, before he had the alcohol accommodate me. I had deduced that already. He believes alcohol brings him "peace".
I'll be wearing my steel-toed shoes when I open the fridge, from now on. I'm sure he felt threatened because I had mentioned alcohol; and asked him to make an accommodation.
Ron just told me he's waiting for my apology. Oh, irony.
At least the adrenaline helped me depression.
6 comments:
Would you PLEASE LEAVE THIS DEADBEAT ALREADY? who puts up with this downright nasty treatment from their SPOUSE??? Honestly, give us one GOOD reason why you should continue to be married to this creature, and without sayin that God wants you there. NEWSFLASH --- GOD DOESN'T WANT YOU WITH RON. There are people and organizations out there to take care of disabled alcoholics. You don't need to take care of him. HE IS USING AND ABUSING YOU WHY DO YOU PUT UP WITH IT? I bet your church would help you get away from him and really know what it is like to be happy and love yourself. Please, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY , LEAVE RON AND MAKE A NEW LIFE WHERE YOU DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE ABUSIVE. Don't create another blog entry about how great Ron is because he said you did a good job stocking a vending machine. THIS DOESN'T MAKE WHAT HE DOES OK. get out now!!
Sorry to sound so harsh but it's hard to read about what you put up with. I'll say a prayer that you get the courage to leave.
That is the sad fact of addiction- the substance of choice will ALWAYS be more important then anyone or anything else at the end of the day, even the people that they most care about. Even themselves. I've worked with addicts, lived with one in a past relationship, had them in my family, and they all had that in common. It's not until an addict reaches recovery that they can break the power of that substance and realize what is really important.
I would totally disengage with Ron when he's drinking. Don't argue, don't discuss, etc. How about telling him that if he wants to keep liquor in the house, he can keep it in his own room? That you want it out of sight. And that it has to be in limited amounts. Work out a harm reduction contract that he has to stick to. Do this when he's sober. I would work on some kind of agreement with Ron, with someone else there for support if necessary and with input from Al-Anon (perhaps) that he needs to stick to or else there will be consequences (you going to a safe place for a while, etc.). This won't stop, it will just get worse as long as he refuses to get help and sees "you" or anyone else as the problem.
If harm reduction doesn't work, then it might have to be no liquor in the house. Period. You both are on a very tight budget, right? You can put it to him that way. Just make sure you have a safety plan and maybe someone else there as support, a third party person like an Al-Anon sponsor or someone from church.
He seems to bank on the fact that you are dependent on him (or at least, he thinks you are..) and that you are not going to do anything about this behavior. Show him you won't stand for it and that enough is enough. You have power to do this, Heather, and Ron does not have power over you unless you let him have it. God would not want you to live this way. You can try everything you can to repair things and you have in many ways, but the rest will be up to Ron.
As for the Power of Attourney for medical decisions/living will- DO IT.Ron is evidently not capable to make medical decisions, or personal care for you. Do you have this for Ron in the event that he gets ill or incapacitated? You may wish to.
If I were in physical danger, I"m sure the church would help. I think if the pastor understood the situation, he'd be DELIGHTED to offer free counseling, but Ron has to want it. Not happening yet.
It took me a while to figure out, it's not MY job to "make him better". Children of alcoholics, like myself, tend to marry alcoholics, and I married very young.
When he's drinking, nothing, not even me, is more important than the drinking. I have come to realize that. It doesn't do any good to shout about the sky being blue, or the sun yellow. It just IS.
That said, when he's sober he does his best to be a good husband. I venture to say, if you did a search (not suggesting it, I have a billion posts), all the ugly has come from interactions with drinking Ron - not sober.
I very much like your suggestion (don't engage), Jillian. Just don't interact with him when he's drinking. He never drinks before 12 so I have a good window every day to talk. I think I'll give it another day or so, pray on it, and mention it.
He has flatly refused to move the alcohol, I won't "win" that issue.
Frankly, in a crisis, I think Ron could go either way. The last couple times I got really ill, he did a very good job.
In 2004, I got a vicious case of food poisoning. I didn't go to the hospital because I couldn't control my bowels. Ron got the commode chair and put it right by my chair, and grimly, yet quietly, emptied it a couple of times a day. He called someone, and got me gatorade and kept my water bottle full. He was very kind for weeks as I recovered, and it took a while.
This year, I got a nasty 2-day migraine. I went straight to vomiting, so the phenergan tablets were useless. I didn't have any suppositories. After a very mild scold, Ron got on the phone with my doctor and the pharmacy. My doctor ordered a large amount, so the pharmacy couldn't stock it for 2 days. Ron was furious at them, listening to me vomit into my bucket, but he kept calling until they got my medication, then called a friend to come and get my medication. I had whined about wanting a Diet Dr Pepper, and he brought some home along with the medication.
Or, I suppose, he could have a complete meltdown if I were badly hurt/sick. I know my aunt would help in that situation.
I do believe Ron would stick to my policy of "no extreme measures".
Note to Anonymous: Telling someone in a relationship like Heather's to just "leave already" is not going to help. None of us understand the dynamics, and this, if anything, will only serve to make her feel worse or more firmly entrenched. We have to try to support Heather as her friends/readers and to help keep her safe. I'm sure none of us like to read what's going on, but pointing fingers, "yelling" and trying to enforce on her what to do is not going to help. Also, most of us do not live near her so cannot possibly be there for her in the real sense, or witness what is happening. Anonymous comments like this just serve to agitate. Heather knows the situation is not acceptable. Strategizing with her is a better plan then simply sounding like a broken record telling her to get out.
I'm not talking out of my hat here. I have been on both sides of the fence, as a clinical social worker who has worked with people in an abusive relationship, and as someone who survived childhood abuse and who subsequently had abusive partners after that. People yelling at me to "up and leave" didn't help: I just further isolated myself. I also was an educated women who KNEW the facts and STILL had it happen to me; it's not as simple as "just getting out". Those that tried to support me as best they could DID help. Was it frustrating for them? You bet. But the true friends never gave up.
Heather: In a crisis, I would still recommend the enduring power of attourney be someone else, or at least be joint with someone else. Especially given the state of Ron's health and his traumatic brain injury. You never know (not to sound morbid) when his health may turn a corner and he may not be fit to speak for you anymore. Or, what if it is during the times when he is drinking/intoxicated that you were incapacitated? Or the State declared he was not a fit proxy for you? You don't know if he would be "on" or "off" during your ill time. I would recommend seeking legal advice on this one. (you should qualify for free or moderate cost legal advice). You don't want to be stuck in a position where you can't speak for yourself and Ron cannot speak for you either, and it defaults to the State to make decisions for you.
Remember that as a decision maker, Ron has to be able to make reasonable decisions for you on a consistent, daily basis, based on your best interests-not his. Not just during acute crisis. It doesn't sound like, at the moment, he can do that, as he is unpredictible.
I'm praying for you.
After watching that video of a very ill looking, drunk man justifying limiting drinking by keeping a flask in his bed instead af a bottle...all I could think of is here is a pulmonary embolism waiting to happen, or a GI bleed or liver failure.
He looks so sick and both of you over the past two years looks ( very sadly Heather as you were a great example of overcoming obesity and finding fitness as a form if wellness mentally and physically.
Honey YOU need to work on Heather now! You look unwell :( Ron is " waiting for death" laying in bed drinking andeating processed food ..it is a matter of tie i am afraid before one of his major body systems give out. Or worse he will have a stroke, very likely scenario ...and then his anger with the world and dependency on you will increase to the point you will have no life, no income and no way out! but you are a beautiful young woman with your life ahead of you! Why not work on your own health again? I enjoy your blog Heather, when you are taking care of yourself, I am so sad to see you decline. You need to spend more time communing with you God in the fresh air, in your garden growing healthy veggies ..God will hear you and surly goodwill promote your kindness to yourself
Why not try to start a pea patch for you and your church? Get involved with the community share gardening so when you are depressed you can still have healthy fruits and veggies
Maybe knitting prayer shawls with a group of knitters? When my son died I received one from a friend who gathers and knitts these with other church members.
Heather Ron looks awful. If he didn't ave you in his life no doubt he would be either stroked out in a nursing home or dead...that is the reality. You ave let your physiical health decline and still have tie to reclaim it.
Pease review your videos and try to be objective at how both of you looked in the beginning and now. Ron looked great outdoors cutting the grass way back when. Now he looks like a worn out alcoholic. I am so sad for you. But have hope. That is why I come back now and then to check on you
I'm just getting caught up here. I was seeing if there were any replies.
Heidi, I see what you are trying to do, but telling Heather that she and Ron look awful? When you can't be there for them in person? (I assume not, otherwise I hope you'd tell them in person..) not going to help. I don't think so, anyway. For me, at least, it would make me feel worse.
I was once 50 lbs overweight (on my small frame, that's a lot), living with an abusive addict, chain smoking cigarettes without a spare dollar to my name. I had many people telling me that I should quit smoking, stop eating garbage, lose weight, lose my ex, etc. Did they not think I didn't KNOW that? I felt like garbage already. Having other people point it out and judge me made me feel worse.
Our weight obsessed culture also drives me crazy. Enjoying Heather's blog will mean reading it when she is going through her ups AND her downs, not just when she is well and all is fine.
I consider myself to be a healthy person, but I also eat processed food, because I don't have the time or energy to cook most days. I work full time, so does my husband, I have bipolar disoder and am downright exhausted when I get home. I don't exercise as often as I should. But I also managed to lose all the weight I needed to..and then some. I am as healthy as I can be.
Sometimes, we have to do the best we can with what we've got. I think Heather is trying. Let's empower her, not berate her.
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