I got another lecture on how my refusal to embark on "proper way to open a refrigerator door" lessons have "driven a terrible wedge into our marriage and really damaged his respect for me". It's a good thing I'm saved. The things I could have said in reply.
The fact that I refused to "Just" stand a certain way when opening the fridge, or open it very timidly - because I know me, I'll forget and open it the way I've been opening it my whole life, I should also add the way that never caused any problems until he wanted stacks of alcoholic drinks on the shelf of the door - and even more upsetting for him, the fact I said "If things are going to fall out on my feet when I open the door, I'll just wear my steel toed slip ons when I open the door". He was more upset about that, than anything else.
I found it a very practical and non-confrontational solution. He got so upset he took the alcohol off the door of the fridge, (that wasn't even my goal, I just don't want a broken foot) playing victim the whole time and making dire threats about the future of our marriage.
When we brought the cat home from the vet, I had a lightbulb moment as our friend said "Ron is either ON or OFF someone or something. If he's ON, nothing else exists in the world. If he's OFF, look out." I realized this man, completely ignorant of psychology, had just described Borderline personality disorder. DING.
I got it. Ron will ALWAYS be ON or OFF. I am either a glorified, saintly, figure of praise; or an abhorrent, defective, malicious, parasite, out to ruin him. [head in hands, groaning] Aggggh.
He wouldn't want to understand, even if I wanted to tell him: therapeutic doses of lithium, haldol, et al play hell with my short term memory. I could share a lot of embarrassing tales on the subject. One time I took off my pants in the bathroom, before I got to the stall, because I forgot I was at work. Thank God the place was empty.
If I tried to tell him that, now, it would be "making excuses", lower me even more, and be used as ammunition the next time he got angry. I'll pray on it; what I might do during my next appointment: ask Doc to explain the common side effects of my medication. He's a born teacher, and if anyone could explain it, it's Doc. Ron would also respect a "professional" opinion far more than mine. [rolleyes] That's IF I got that route.
My theory, though, explains a lot. If I mention feeling unwell, anything beyond a headache, Ron freaks out. He gets very agitated and angry - "fear of abandonment".
I hope to get a book or two on the subject, read up, and hopefully gain some insight. I want to act in a way that pleases God, while protecting my boundaries.
1 comment:
It's possible it could be Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but it could also be a range of other personality disorders, or none at all- it could be a myriad of other issues that Ron has, including anger management and unhealthy ways of communicating/coping. Acute alcoholism/substance misuse is also an issue. Only a professional could diagnose him for sure. Given the fact that he has suffered a traumatic brain injury, this also comes into play, as this can affect emotional regulation and "filters", as you well know.
I have "traits" of Borderline Personality Disorder, in addition to Bipolar Disorder 1 and Complex PTSD. "Traits" meaning that I officially display some traits of the illness, but I don't have enough of them to be diagnosed with the full-blown disorder.
What you are describing, how Ron thinks of people as "on" or "off", is known as "Black and White thinking" or "Splitting". It's common in BPD, but also in other disorders. It basically means that the person doesn't see in shades of gray with people, as most of us are; they are either wonderful, or horrible. Does Ron see everyone this way- or just you? How does he view himself? I mean these as rhetorical questions for pondering, more then anything else. This also could be part of his brain injury. (difficulty with abstract thought process).
However- this does not make his actions acceptable towards you. Blaming you for all the issues in the marriage (and equating a door and how it opens with whether or not a marriage is going well is simply nonsensical.), putting you on a pedastal or very low, are traits of abuse. This is an abuse cycle: the fighting, the mistreatment, the honeymoon period where everything goes well.
Most people think an "abuser" has to be some terrifying, awful person. But they don't. I have no doubt that Ron loves you, but that doesn't make his abusive behaviour right. and that is just what it is: abusive behaviour, and he needs to address and get help for it. Living in that cycle is no way to live.
I'm praying for you both.
I agree that getting the doctor to explain the effects of your medication would help. Perhaps Ron could also attend a support group for family of those with bipolar disorder/FASD.
Post a Comment