My "culture" taught me to be a strong, capable woman. "Your mother was very sickly" I was told, with a fairly disapproving air. Getting sick was one thing, malingering, another.
A physical illness was treated with rest, chicken soup (I cannot abide chicken soup), and whatever the doctor deemed suitable. My family can tell you, I had a lot of physical illnesses as a child. I'd get terrible "stomach flus", vomiting for days on end. I'd catch the flu pretty much every year. It seems like I spent most of my Christmases in bed. I had constant colds, with unending postnasal drip, and several nasty sinus infections.
As I got older, my immune system beefed up and I became more robust, only battling the occasional migraine, cold, or influenza. As soon as I could, as I'd been taught, I'd get out of bed and get back to my life.
Physically, I'd say, I'm very healthy. I got 2 colds this year, and I can't recall the last time I had a cold. I haven't had a flu since 2006, and even that was minor. Ron's the one who gets sick.
Or is he? Today, I had a horrible depression. It was awful. I couldn't go out. I couldn't even bathe. I had to go to the hardcore depression protocol, which has me sweating and batting a headache from antidepressant.
I stank all day long, because I couldn't get up the energy to bathe. I finally managed to drag myself into the tub and get clean. I think I had an easier time running the half-marathon. My hair was a greasy tangle. It's a good thing Ron is blind.
Ron, by the way, was very kind when I told him the problem: I was depressed and having a terrible time of it. He wants to help. Sometimes he can, sometimes - usually, not. But he made a point of keeping things light and keeping me company.
I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be this fragile person who can't live her life due to illness. I don't want a shower to be a marathon-level event. I want the laundry to be an afterthought, not a massive task.
But this is my life.
Fragile. Sick. Sometimes incapable of "easy" tasks and daily activities of living. Disabled. I'm still coming to terms with that. Not-driving seems like an afterthought to that!
But, this is my life.
Where else would I say "She can have a weenie, but no beanies" as he opens his dinner, accompanied by a curious kitten?
To those who think Ron is the problem, he isn't, not really. This is my brain; malfunctioning. I once told Ron we could win the lotto and I'd still want to die. Another time, Ron was delusional in the hospital, we were planning his discharge, and I was ebullient because he was coming home. They saw obstacles, I saw opportunities. And, when I'm like this, I see nothing but obstacles on even a clear path!
This is my life.
3 comments:
Heather, to the best of my knowledge I'm not bi-polar or anything, so I don't mean to compare myself to you in the following at all-please don't think I'm doing that at ALL-but I can somewhat empathise, because I have those days out of the blue-not depressed, just kind of lethargic-lazy, probably-days where everything seems futile and pointless-and like you said, it's all I can do to drag myself to shower and brush my teeth. This, even knowing that I will feel a thousand times better just for feeling fresh and clean. When I feel like that, I "bribe" myself by telling myself that once I'm done, I can go put on some of one of my most expensive perfumes, just for me, to smell good to myself. This always works, because I refuse to put on perfume when I need to bathe, and I MUST wear perfume everyday, I adore it.
I am an obssessive housekeeper, but on these days I think "The world won't go off its axis if I don't do the laundry TODAY". The only thing I MUST do no matter how I feel is feed my 5 dogs and make sure they always have fresh clean water to drink. (I consider this is a good thing, to meit's a good thing to always have one thing you MUST do, it helps to keep me "grounded" so to speak) I tidy the house just enough for it to be tolerably comfortable, then I "veg" with a book or classic movies. I try not to sweat it, because I know the mood will pass-it always has and it always will. I have almost 50 years of living to tell me this. When I was much younger and had these "moods", it was harder because when you're young, everything is "now", plus you don't have the life experience to know that "this too shall pass-again" lol.
My husband is as understanding as a man can be, especially one like my husband who wouldn't know what a "mood" was if it bit him(except the grouchy kind when he wakes up,lol) . I don't talk about it to him, and he doesn't question me or scold me for "taking the day off", as long as I take care of the dogs (if I'm having a really bad day, I can ask him to do that even, but it has to be a really bad day before I'll do that, and it hardly ever seems that bad). The house stays clean enough anyway that one day won't really put anything out of whack. It's just that Protestant ethic instinct thing, I suppose, that makes me feel really weird and guilty for spending the day in my pajamas :)
Sorry for the essay, but I love your blog, and thank you for allowing a place for me to get matters large or trivial "off my chest" so to speak. I love my husband to death and have no doubt that he loves me, but he's not the "talking" kind of person, at least not about things philosophical, or analysing emotions (he has a point there, too much of that is unhealthy). So here it all is-thank you, and please forgive this "unloading" :)
I love to publish thoughtful, well reasoned comments. I often find my readers have a lot of wisdom to share! Thank you!
I didn't anticipate this; when my husband rescued a kitten I didn't realize how much she would help keep me grounded. Even at my worst, I have to smile at her antics, and like you said, that litter box has got to be changed! That means getting up and out of the chair, and doing something. Which might lead to doing something else, or getting back into the chair.
"Which might lead to doing something else, or getting back into the chair" LOL! I could never have put my finger on that exact point but oh how true! You have made me just smile until it hurts at the humor and truth of that statement!
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