Ron was almost out of vodka, we had some conflict around that. He wanted me to enable; I wouldn't.
He actually asked me to loan him money. I laughed in his face.
He called me all sorts of names. Said he is only with me to take, basically, that he doesn't love me he is just out to get what he can from me. I believe that to a large extent. He then went on to tell me life with me is so difficult he just couldn't bear it, sober. (Is this before or after I kindly cleaned up the mess the other day, and today?) That it is so horrible he MUST drink copious amounts every day to handle it. He did admit he "needed" it which I think is the truest thing he said today. He is absolutely physically addicted by this point.
He kept trying to savage me verbally and kept demanding I admit I was angry at God. He got quite upset when I wouldn't. I don't blame God for any of this, this is my bad decisions as a child coming home to roost. None of that is God. God was likely screaming "Run like hell" on my wedding day. But Ron won't rest until I am as miserable as he is, and he thinks he has a monopoly on suffering. "I was born blind". So? He knew a guy with spinal bifida and blindness, he was a blind quadraplegic. He said the guy was on fire for Jesus and always in a super positive mood. It really ruined a lot of Ron's pity parties, he said.
It isn't what you're given, it's how you react. If you whine and snivel and demand others literally wipe your butt, pouring copious amounts of alcohol into your body, behaving badly, keeping your spouse up at all hours with bad behavior and verbal abuse, you will not get a blessing.
If you live a responsible life, respect others, you will get one.
He wanted to know "Why I'm so angry". I said I was upset because he acts so badly when he drinks yet he chooses to literally pour it down his throat again and again every night and continue to act badly, putting hardship on me. I also told him to stop kidding himself, put the bottle in his bedroom because I am SICK of him running into walls, and the bottle, all night long because he wants to "keep it by the corner" instead of in his room. I told him he acts equally bad either way so save ME some trouble and keep it in the room already.
We will see if he does it.
I put the orange paint up on the wall, it is too yellow in my opinion. I will give it a day or two and see if I warm up to it. I haven't done the cream or the lilac yet, I will do those after I do the report tomorrow.
I need to wash my glasses, the glare is showing a lot of dirt on the lenses, it is annoying. I will be on the computer for a while tomorrow so I want it fixed by then.
I also need to put some soda in the fridge for tomorrow, when I'm working. I like a nice cold carbonated diet thing when I'm doing accounting work. I have some pudding I can eat to celebrate. I can listen to my music, too.
I used to love listening to music when I did accounting work but my supervisor (at an office, not working for Ron) would always have a fit if he caught me at it. He felt it was distracting and I would do poor work. Not every boss will "let" me do it.
Would I want to do accounting full time? Maybe accounts payable and receivable, I wouldn't want to do payroll. Too much drama around payroll. I actually got a job offer, years ago, for a payroll company but they wanted to send me to Baltimore for training. That would have been a problem as I don't drive and they didn't have Uber back then (a good 20 years ago).
But I will get it done. Ron is sitting up front for some reason mumbling and muttering under his breath. I will likely have to go outside to talk to my parents. And how to tell them about my week?
I think I will focus on repairs and I hired a good guy to come do the majority of the work.
27 comments:
I am sure you lent him money for vodka.
He is mumbling and muttering under his breath because he does not have a support system. He is isolated and his health is declining. He needs help from actual professionals who can talk to him, listen to him, and work with him to improve his quality of life.
He was being honest when he said living with you is difficult for him. At this point, lots and lots of things are difficult for him.
If he really wants to go he can go... I did respond when he asked about a nursing home and reminded him both times he was in long term care they always had that patient down the hall yelling all night. And no cat.
I will ask him, when sober, if he wants to call adult services and get "a team". Not sure what they can do as we are paying to widen the bathroom door on our own. If he can get helpers for free great; someone else can give him a bath.
I did not lend him money, he had to call and modify the order.
Tell him there will be no cat is a form of manipulation
I am curious, if he gets a support team and continues bad behavior what will you say then?
Ron should be paying to have the bathroom door widened. No one will work for free. Remember that when you are elbow deep digging around in his ass crack. Something you and he said would never happen.
There won't be a cat... not his at any rate. I know some high end nursing homes have cats but if he checks into the basic one Medicaid will fund I am certain no cat. It is like saying he will have a hospital bed, it is just a matter of fact. No cat.
Interestingly enough Torbie has taken him over, lately.
We are paying to widen the door, it was part of the bid. We are getting a 32 inch. I am buying the materials and he quoted me labor, all very reasonable and excellent reviews so I feel good about it.
"Have I ordered them?" "We" have used them for 3 years after a couple of incidents in late 2015. So 5 years, I had it wrong. Most of the time not needed but a few times... enough to keep buying them. Sam's club has a very good product.
you “remind” him that there won’t be a cat so he “decides” not to go because that is the outcome that “you” want because you are being selfish
No you are paying to widen the door not him. You are taking money from your actual repairs to widen the bathroom for him.
Good for you holding true to your ground. I can see your care increasing and really if I loved a man the way you obviously love Ron I would have my hand up his ass crack helping with an emergency. It is like this commenter loves to wait for you to admit to anything unpleasant and then attack you or play mind games with you to see the world in the awful way they do. I do not understand the continued reading of you blog if they find your life so despicable.
However I do agree with the commenter about a support system . Over the years it seems Ron has played with your brain as all narcissistic people do and isolated you from the outside world and other intimate relationships.
I think you BOTH need some objective support and to know the community will help they want to! I know this first hand because I have been in the same position.
Not giving him money is a huge thing good for you ! It has nothing to do with asscrack duty that is a labor of love to clean anyone up. I do it all the time with compassion and love in my heart.
The door needs to widen. I don't see this being a problem. It is rolled into the bid so not paying "extra".
Even if I did pay separate they were quoting me a lot more (another contractor) to install the vanity. And I think getting to the toilet is a little more important than a sink and place to put my hairbrush and deodorant.
I will talk to him when he gets up.
It is "better" to "let" him move without warning him about the drawbacks? Because if he goes I am not taking him back, he lies in that bed until he's dead. I will NOT get jerked around like that.
Having a support team will not fix all of Ron's bad behavior, especially if that behavior is caused by cognitive decline. A support team will give him a voice and give you a break.
He needs assessment and diagnosis. He needs emotional support. He may or may not need a nursing home. He obviously needs personal care support and objective advocacy. Someone else should be bathing him. It must be scary trying to move him in and out of the tub.
Reminding him that he won't have a cat and that people will be loud in a nursing home is not a great idea. It is likely that Ron will spend some time in a facility at some point. There is no point discouraging him in advance. Ultimately, I'm sure you want for him to be safe. I know you love him.
Yeah it is a real labor of love to clean the crack of a man who could do it himself if he wasn't drunk everyday and constantly verbally abused her. It is a sick dependent relationship and very unhealthy for both of them
We have all 36 inch doors in our home...that width is adequate for now...if an electric w/c were needed, I don't think a 32 inch door, is wide enough with having to turn corners....just think about it, as 32 is a small door. I worked in a nursing home...low end medicare...and we had 2 cats. So don't rule out pets.
The bathroom is pretty narrow and we're only getting 32, any more no vanity/sink etc. He will always be in a manual chair due to being blind so that should work. A standard wheelchair is 24 inches wide so that should be fine.
Now, if I became paralyzed and gained 300 pounds it might be an issue but unlikely.
BTW my aunt is on the hospital bed kick again. Everytime I ask Ron he says no, though.
Just because he doesn't want a hospital bed does not mean it would not be a positive thing for him. It may actually help with his pain because it would be adjustable. Hell even an adjustable bed would be better for him. When will you ever do anything that is necessary for this man? He didn't want a mattress protector for the bed and it is covered in pee stains and food stains. Flipping it is just gross the mattress needs to be replaced. What is the breaking point when you decide he needs a caregiver to come to the house a few days a week? How would you feel if you were in the excruciating pain that this man is in on a daily basis? Knowing nothing will fix or stop it? Does he have an end of life directive? If not he really should consider having one drawn up while he is still cognitive. There are many people in nursing homes just waiting to die because they did not have a living will and are brought back from the brink of death just to continue being in pain. It is irresponsible not to have one for him and yes even for you.
I scrubbed the mattress with bleach.
He has a DNR and I bought him DNR dog tags, and gave my copies of the directive to my aunt who would likely make medical decisions if I am incapable.
I have always been pretty clear, no dialysis long term, do what you can and I will take it day by day.
So no worries on the mattress or the DNR. Already taken care of.
So you enjoy having to scrub the mattress with bleach for ALL his accidents? Easier to have a waterproof cover. They also have chux you can use on the bed also that help absorb the mess and then bleach and wash.
Again when does it become too much? How often will his bowels have to fail before you reach out to get help? And the chux are disposable not washable (my mistake).
Beck's Classic Reusable Washable Bedpad
https://www.healthykin.com//p-3692-becks-classic-reusable-washable-bedpad.aspx?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIifaFteqz5wIVi4bACh0kKgHtEAQYBiABEgJ_C_D_BwE
How to Clean and Remove Blood, Vomit and Urine Stains From a Mattress
http://www.housecleaningcentral.com/en/cleaning-tips/bedrooms/mattress-cleaning-clean.html
The waterproof cover arrived today. I know some companies do a washable chux but Ron has always balked... he might not, now.
You haven't read my other post yet but he is adamant he wants this bed. Next time he gets up I will flip it, put on the cover, and "dress" it with a sheet. That should hold us for a while.
He has a very bad habit of grabbing onto the sheet as he gets into bed so a chux would just slide unless I pinned it down.
I can only say dear that you have missed the whole point of the helps offered. You want to be in control. You are not and will never will be in control of someone else's bowels. It is likely the alcohol that is causing the bowel issues. That and acities from the alcohol. Organ body failure possible at this point. so many issues and you refuse to see them or the end result. It's pretty selfish to put him through all this at end of life...no quality of life living like he is. The cats cannot make up for all the harm being done from the alcohol abuse. The fact that you allow a person with dementia to make everyday decisions that include you shows your own judgement is as bad as his. Not being mean, it's just that you refuse to even acknowledge you need help more than he does.
Good advice from the last anonymous post but will be ignored iam sure. It is painful to see how he keeps his body contorted like that. Whether laying down or sitting up.
He will literally scream in pain if forced to lay flat, that's why we had to go crosstown to the "Wide Bore MRI" center so he could bend his legs somewhat during the scan. Hard to see but he is more comfortable twisted up like a pretzel and that is his preferred sleeping position. He never lays flat.
I can't even imagine living that way day in and day out. Talk about a life that is cursed because doctors were able to save him when he got run over 10 plus years ago. Lives are being saved but the doctors forget about the quality of life for a person after the fact.
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