Last night and most of today

So, today... and last night. 

Yesterday we went in to work late, we both wanted it.  Ron made the extremely logical point most of the business happens at night so let's be there.  I thought we might have Carlos the Painter there in the morning. 

We went in, it went OK for a while.  Ron has a very bad habit when he puts change in the vending machines, he takes out the top part of the changer and slides it away from the assembly.  Then if you close it the coins will jam, no sales, very angry customers, lose faith in the vending machine, etc... NO SALES.  And he did that, so I yelled at him a little. 

I told him to put the coins in "my" way which doesn't involve the assembly.  He shouted back he couldn't do it... completely unprofessional of BOTH of us.  I let it drop, he didn't, ranting, raving, screaming curses at me.  A woman came over and asked ME to stop, I pointed at him and said "He's the one talking, he is not listening to me right now". 

She did.  He acted as if he'd been slapped, he got very quiet and she said "Thank you" and walked off.  Then later on he wanted to talk to her and justify why he "had" to verbally abuse me for shaming him, that's what it was at the end of it.  I embarrassed him and he didn't like it, "made him feel stupid" - his words.  I just said you did it again please stop doing it we are losing sales and faith. 

So that was very ugly.  And I was thinking I thought he would be OK in the business for a while yet if I did the paperwork, but I don't think so, or I didn't last night.  He couldn't do something basic like put change in the machine without screwing it up and then "going buggo" his words, over it at the end when told he did it. 

We did get all the stocking done and came home. 

It was going to freeze last night, so I took my $400+ worth of paint IN THE HOUSE so it wouldn't freeze and get ruined.  Ron thought it was excessive but it did freeze last night so VERY glad I did it.  It is out of the way but easily found by the guys. 

This morning was uneventful except I forgot my cell phone.  I didn't have any contact missed... just some spam emails. 

We went to the warehouse and got our supplies, went to work and put it away.  We didn't need to do much so we didn't....we had just been there not 10 hours ago. 

We did agree we will be working more nights. 

We left to come home, both of us tired because I did not sleep well.  I also woke up with a migraine and fought that all day. 

I even smoked one of my hemp cigarettes at work along with taking some Excedrin.  Eventually my remedies overtook the headache but not until I had been home. 

We left and went to pick up another client.  She was located right next to a former spay and neuter clinic.  I was THRILLED to see Texas Litter Control had taken over the space and was operating a new low cost clinic now.  I could have really used that for Spotty a couple months ago. 

You don't want to know what I spent on Spotty, and here I had a hard time spending $40 on outlet covers not long ago.  But I know they are there now and I can use them for vaccines and such... good to know, just a Uber away and probably only a $15 ride at that even with the Pet Uber (which I think is cool).  VERY good to know and something I can tell people about. 

Because it is really vital to fix it if you want to make it a pet.  Very happy about that - and TLC is a huge (comparatively) organization with offices all over.  VERY glad to see them in the Greenspoint area. 

Then we had to take the lady to the drug store, then we went home.  It was a very long ride, over an hour, and Ron fell asleep. 

The driver was telling me how 'the toilet" at "the house" (unclear who owns the house, she said something about her father as if he owned it) "runs constantly" and "if it gets blocked it runs all over and soaks the drywall... it has some black spots on it".  BLACK MOLD that is REALLY bad. 

Why won't they get a plumber to fix the toilet?  I don't know.  It is just an o-ring Ron used to do those all the time. 

That is the hard thing for me, Ron used to do so much, plumbing, carpentry, computer work, yard work, etc.  Repair vending machines and work on complex accounting reports.  Now he has regressed and it is hard to watch.  He is in massive denial about it - and that I may not have conveyed, and that's why I think he lashed out when I told him he had screwed up.  He can't accept it. 

And I can understand that, I was in denial about my illness for a long time.  I am not sure how to approach that... I don't think it's loving to beat him over the head with his failures, and he would just shut down.  I have to face it myself and figure out how I am going to handle it. 

I keep going back to thinking how bad it would be to go to work somewhere else every day and come home to him having a blackout filthy on the floor.  Every time.  At least working he had to hold himself to a certain standard but if he retires that is all going out the window.  He can't volunteer or do a day program because of his back. 

Today on the way to work we met another blind guy.  He couldn't even find his way to the parking lot from his apartment, and he admitted he had lived there 4 months. 

I used to teach Ron how to get all over, he was fearless.  He used to cross Mission and Market streets in San Francisco, for instance.  He crossed highway 101 in CA on an overpass.  He crossed Westheimer in SW Houston.  He took commuter trains.  He did it all and has basically ruined me for any other blind man.  I would always compare. 

So this guy who can't even get in the car without help wants to know how to get a job - from us, because Ron is blind and working.  I said we are in the blind vendors program, but they have requirements to join, including being able to lift 45 pounds, squat, stand on your feet for 10 hours, etc.  For new vendors.  There is another vendor in the program in a wheelchair because she also had a stroke but to get in you have to be young and healthy, and this guy was not.  You also have to know your ass from a hole in the ground and this guy did not. 

He was going to register at an employment agency but who will hire him?  No one.  It is just a formality.  But this guy was all over us thinking we were some sort of "link" that would get him a cushy job, if he just knew the right Texan (he was from up north) he would be on easy street.  It doesn't work that way and God knows I AM DONE with caregiving.  I've got NOTHING left for anyone else.  He is on his own. 

And if you are disabled, and this applies to me as well, you had better have a unique skill that the employers want.  The ability to DO FOR YOURSELF and take care of your own business without whining for assistance every minute. 

And the guy kept telling us about all these social "programs" for blind people etc and Ron was utterly revolted by the concept.  I don't care about the brave "little girl" in the wheelchair who is blind and does advocacy.  Are you taking care of yourself?  I don't think many are. 

Right now, to be honest, I am seeing every other person with a disability as someone who wants something from me, and I am not interested.  The bucket is nearly dry, I'm saving my water.  And many people with disabilities are opportunists who will take advantage of good-hearted "average" citizens. 

I know one guy his friend used to rage at us the guy would take him out on "errands" that took hundreds of miles, gas, wear and tear on his car, and not only refuse to give him gas money but then ask the driver to buy him lunch.  I am very careful about what I accept from others. 

At the VERY least, I buy my aunt lunch when she takes me to the doctor, and I also get her a drink from the gas station (a Coke with a lot of ice, her favorite).  That is the very least... because she is helping me.  I don't EXPECT anything and no one with a disability should, unless the State is paying that person to help you. 

But this I think is the #1 reason I CANNOT do a caregiving job when my vending tenure ends, I am BURNED OUT and that's no good.  I need time to recover before I get into caregiving. 

And I am sure there is a nice old blind lady with a couple of cats who could use a helper.  And, eventually, I will be happy to help her.  Just not right now. 

And this is why my family will never ask me to be a caregiver (except my sister) because they all (except my sister) value me and respect the fact I have GIVEN ENOUGH as it is.  And that is one of the reasons I cut my (half) sister out of my life. 

That's it for now, sorry if I scared anyone but I went to bed late after work and had to get up early today.