Monday, February 17, 2020

Not Happy

My love language is quality time, so I am happy just being around someone I care about, even if it's just waiting on a bus. 

I feel like that was used against me, today. 

Ron wanted to "go to the kitchen".  He said he wanted some "juice" which of course turned into a large bottle of vodka.  He was actually angry when I gave him the juice. 

Then he sat in the chair drinking the vodka, with some water in a cup on the side, trying to talk to me.  I did, a little.  I shouldn't have and I won't again. 

It gives tacit approval, I realized later.  He kept drinking more and more vodka and I finally said I have to get up very early and you are NOT having a blackout.  He said the alcohol "wasn't as strong" if he took it with water.  I said 10 ounces is 10 ounces regardless of how much water you add to it, an individual drink may be "weaker" but the total amount consumed is considerable. 

He got angry.  I got angry.  He kept saying he was bored he broke his cable again, and has money for vodka but refuses to ante up $100 for a TV so I can fix his cable (he does not have a TV in his room).  So, priorities.  Now he's "bored" and figured he would drink himself into a blackout. 

I told him, he could take a Benadryl if he wanted to sleep but I was not going to put up with a blackout.  I had to get up early tomorrow and I need my sleep. 

This is one big reason I am reluctant to seek other employment.  He would, out of boredom, drink himself stupid every day, have blackouts, toilet dramas, falls, and injuries.  And he is too feeble to put in a day program. 

So, I told him I was done with him drinking and I walked off.  "Oh, I'm done" he says "Take me back to my room" (there are construction supplies on the way so better if I push him).  I go back "Oh, one more drink". 

I told him I was SICK of him playing games, I wasn't going to stand around waiting on him while he drank.  And that's what he wanted, me standing around, talking to him, tacit approval while he drank himself into a blackout because "It's not as strong if I have some water with it".  He had at least the equivalent of 7-8 shots while I watched. 

He blew up, cursed me out, nearly dropped the bottle, and finally consented to going back to bed.  But I figured it out, a lot later than I would have liked, that's what he wanted, me "taking him out to drink" and then helping him do it.  Because if I am OK with it he isn't an alcoholic, and doesn't have a problem. 

Then he tried to play games "I have your pay" but I already got it.  He can pay back savings whenever he wants but I am not going to play his little "Please Mr I need my paycheck" game with him - I had a boss do that and Ron was FURIOUS about it.  He is counting the money now, he asked to, but I wouldn't play his game. 

My pay is DAYS late and he was JUST FINE with that, which says a lot about who he is.  But he had money to get a vodka delivery the other day. 

He was so angry when I told him to hurry up.  And I am done taking him to the kitchen.  He doesn't need to be in the kitchen if I am feeding him all the time and bringing him drinks.  So I'm not taking him to the kitchen, he has this thing where he wants to sit up in the kitchen, I guess because, in his head, only a drunk drinks in the bedroom.  Drinking in the kitchen makes it classier.  That would be my guess.  The bedroom also reeks of urine, not surprisingly. 

All the adult males in Ron's life were alcoholics, growing up.  He said he despised them, when we were dating, and he would never allow himself to become that.  I stupidly believed him.  So I think the whole "drinking in the kitchen" game is just that, a game. 

I'm not taking him to the kitchen, I'm not standing around while he drinks.  If he is drinking I am going to walk away and if that means we miss a ride we miss it.  It will only happen once.  I am going to confront him on that, when he is sober, because I am sure there is a "rule" in there about "don't drink in the bedroom, but the kitchen is OK" and he needs to ERASE that.  He is urinating, willfully, on the floor.  He can certainly make a decision to drink in the bedroom instead of the kitchen.  He is well above and beyond rules of "proper". 

He is far less likely to fall if he is already in bed, as well. 

And I felt funny using the toilet chair, in his bedroom, when the guys were working (lithium is a diuretic). 

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

All the more reason to call for help. His needs are too great for you to handle. He is bored and he does need social interaction. His behavior is probably a combination of medical issues and a stubborn, difficult personality. His physical and cognitive decline is a huge concern. He needs objective professionals to assess him and set him up with appropriate care.

Anonymous said...

So you let him buy vodka before paying you. Lol. Way to go. Maybe tons love language is pissing on the floor. He is very good at that.

Anonymous said...

urinating on the floor would be a deal breaker.
Do you have boundaries?

Heather Knits said...

I gave him rope, if he had cash what would he do with it? Now I know. Vodka yet again is greater than Heather.

Anonymous said...

You already knew the answer. it's like me hoping for flowers on valentine's day, my husband never fails to disappoint me.

Anonymous said...

You are allowing all of this to continue. You have options you refuse to explore that could make your life easier.

You are not a victim. You are making poor choices that are causing both you and Ron to suffer needlessly.

Anonymous said...

What will it take for you to grow up and open your eyes.

He doesn’t love you.

You spew hatred for everything now, neighbors, care groups, professions.

None for this asshole who doesn’t care about you.

He offered you to people for sex. No husband who likes his wife does that.

He’s a drunk that PISSES ON THE FLOOR.

He got hit by a car... but refuses to get help. He got surgery. Did he do rehab? No. I’ve posted multiple links before about how drinking at his level leads to nerve and back damage. Did he care? No.

If he cared he wouldn’t be in pain and in his chair. He doesn’t.

At this point who cares if he’s depressed or drunk or what.

He’s not a husband. He won’t get help.

You know this. You are wasting your life on a piece of garbage who doesn’t care one iota for you.

Grow up.

Anonymous said...

Heather... can you please remove from your profile that you are dealing with bipolar disorder.

I have it. I also deal with it.

You aren’t.

You stay with an abuser. One who is cruel and doesn’t help you.

That’s not dealing with it.

I regulate my sleep.

You have a “job” that keeps you in random times. A “husband” that keeps you up.

You don’t.

I don’t think you tell your psychiatrist how bad things are... if you do you need a new one.

At this point you are hurting people with our disease. If anyone reads this and sees how you live and operate right now it does a terrible disservice to people with our illness.

Think about your witness.

Anonymous said...

Heather. This is the lawyer who often posts.

You need to get out.

I have people in Houston who can help you. Please. I’m very worried for you.

Know you have allies.

I’m praying for you, but you aren’t safe and need to go.

Anonymous said...

Sorry this is going on

Anonymous said...

Again why aren't you making Ron pay for new flooring in his room? He is the one who destroyed the carpet. Plus he refuses to pay your dad back for the repipe. This way any extra Reno money can go into your savings for you.

Anonymous said...

What bills does he pay since you pay the water bill and buy groceries? And pay electric bill and internet.

Anonymous said...

Best case scenario he dies and then the house will be paid for. Though this could go on another ten or twenty years.

Heather Knits said...

He pays the mortgage, cable, internet, I get the money for the water bill and electric out of the profits before I give them to him.

I am in it for the long haul but I don't see him here in 5 years, either he is in a memory care facility or he has killed himself with alcohol.

He did get off the pain pills - his own idea - is only taking kratom for it - and doing well on that. I am hoping his decline improves as a result. Narcotics, alcohol, head injury all just a really bad combination.

Heather Knits said...

To the lawyer: I don't see getting out and taking the cats with me... and I am stubborn enough to say with me busting my butt on the repairs he should be moving. Noble on the cats, stupid on the second.

The cats are all either old or damaged in some way so not really adoptable even if I was willing to give them up.

You can hook me up after they arrest me when Ron kills himself.

Heather Knits said...

I am bipolar. Not on you, but I know a couple of drunken, drug addicted, bipolar sluts (my mother could qualify on that one) who never take their meds and are an embarrassment to all of us.

It's a spectrum. Just like Ron is black and hates the ignorant ones, feels they make him look bad. He loves it when he meets an educated/intelligent black man (like his doctor). But you are not Blogger so lack censor power. :) I mean that nicely.

I get your point, but this is who I am. I also have the Fetal Alcohol in there and that is also a majority issue in my personal life. The Fetal Alcohol home page actually has my blog hotlinked on her home page because she feels I have something to say about living with this. No "normal" woman would put up with this but I do because parts of my brain are fried and I don't see options.

Heather Knits said...

He did rehab for a month.

What professions do I hate? That one has me baffled... please tell me. I hate it when I am disrespected, I get enough of that in these doors. That's why I bitch because blog = safe space. You don't want me marching next door during a party and cursing them out, vandalizing the car parked in my driveway without permission, etc.

Yes, I have a lot of anger at Ron but I am corking it because I can deal with it after he's gone. He has been far worse than what I fled and a much bigger abuser than any of "them". Even down to playing games with my paycheck. I am clear he is a bad guy.

My problem I am the only person he has and as anyone who has read the comments can attest, there is a lot of weight on me regarding all decisions I make for him.

Anonymous said...

"Just like Ron is black and hates the ignorant ones, feels they make him look bad." LOL really? The man urinates on his floor and lives in a drunken stupor of filth. Does not bathe, brush his teeth, can't feed himself, etc but he is worried about ignorant black people making him look bad? Talk about not being able to see that to everyone who sees him thinks he is a pathetic, abusive, drunk and a loser. You can tell him that for me.

Anonymous said...

"My problem I am the only person he has and as anyone who has read the comments can attest, there is a lot of weight on me regarding all decisions I make for him."


Who cares? He doesn't deserve you.

Anonymous said...

Decisions you make for him or excuses you make for him?

Anonymous said...

Doing rehab for a month isn’t enough for back surgery heather. I had a bad hand and had 6 months of rehab for my wrist. He needed to do it everyday and still should be.

I just went back and Read and when he was he wasn’t drinking his back was fine. His actions are causing this. Lack of exercise and rehab and drinking