The rain passed pretty quickly and I headed out the door, about the same time Ron crashed out of his wheelchair, onto the floor.
I took my Kindle. I am reading a book on positive self-talk, totally in line with the Bible. Basically, reprogram what you tell yourself. Instead of "I can't handle this" re: my situation say "I am a strong woman and my faith in God will carry me" something like that.
The walk was pretty uneventful except I have to cross a bridge. I have a problem with traffic, rushing right by me on one side; and heights, I had the drop off on the other. I told myself to just keep walking, and I did.
I got to the gas station and looked around. A corn dog looked good. And the banana pudding. For those who don't know, this was a concoction of vanilla pudding layered with real whipped cream and crushed Nilla wafers. No bananas but that was fine.
They had 2, that I noticed, diet decaf selections. My first trip to the fountain, I got a diet coke caffeine free. I paid, cost $5 (for everything, not just the drink). I got permission to stay and read in the dining area. She asked if I was OK. I said I had a rough week and just needed some downtime.
I tried to call my aunt and went to voicemail. I read my book, ate my corn dog and pudding. The pudding was really spectacular, they used real whipped cream. It was a nice sized portion, big, but not huge. A nice single serving.
I read my book, some good stuff. Like I said no red flags that would contradict the Bible. You have to be careful what you put in your brain.
I hung out for a while, bought a refill (this time I got Sprite Zero), drank that for a while. I felt OK, ready to go back "home". I tried to view it as going back to the cats.
I thanked the manager personally and left. A little exciting going over the bridge but not too bad. I had battled a nasty headache all day and finally took something at the gas station. I was worried the caffeine would make me freak out on the bridge but I did not. I just kept walking.
Most of the homeowners have several "drivers" living with them. The homes were designed for 2 cars in the driveway and a guest spot on the street. They fill it all up - 4 cars in the driveway totally blocking the sidewalk. Many homes did this.
I suppose some of this is Father's Day, early celebrations. But I had to walk in the street, something I'm not fond of doing.
I checked the mail, Ron got a book. He will be happy to see it when he sobers up. I came home, Ron was still on the floor with his head inside a cabinet. It looks really uncomfortable.
Since he seems to be on a bender, I am glad I moved my medication. I have it all done up, days of the week, morning and evening. It is a real PAIN to do. I would be furious if he knocked it on the floor. I have that safely hidden.
He is snoring right now. I had to move his foot so I could get a yogurt out of the fridge, eat it to take my pills. He wasn't happy about it but he let me.
One day I'm going to look back on this - this is the only place I can actually discuss what is happening. I don't care if it makes me look awful. I need the truth out there, and this may very well save my ass one day if Ron does something stupid and kills himself. I will have this to show he had been on a bad slide for a very long time, and had a habit of drinking himself stupid. You can't fake the kind of crap that's been happening.
Not that I get anything if he dies, I'm the one that's insured. Ugh.
So he's passed out on the floor. I already checked the mail so I don't need to go out again. I was quite happy to take off my bra.
I will call my parents shortly. Odds are they will be busy with one of the other children and "call tomorrow" but we'll see.
I will be honest but not graphic. People in my life need to know what I'm under. I will talk in the bedroom because I don't need him waking up and making a lot of noise. They freaked out pretty good when he did that last week.
Oh, my life. Hopefully I will sleep well tonight.
7 comments:
Heather you're making me so angry with your self pity. You can leave the house any time you want, Ron can't do that! You are watching him kill himself, and all you do is feel sorry for yourself. Instead of watching him fall and lay on the floor, you should be calling an ambulance and get him to the hospital and get detoxed. Do the right thing and get him some help.
Self pity? I have very little of that.
If anything, just simple resentment, that between Ron and my "neighbors" in #19, I haven't gotten a full nights sleep in well over a day.
He can stop drinking whenever he wants, he just doesn't want - and he is clear on that. If he did get detoxed, and pretty sure he has to CONSENT for that - he would just re-tox as soon as he could.
Which reminds me, going to try to take him to bed. I got him poured in OK. He won't fall on the floor of the kitchen tonight. Not unless he gets up later and goes for more.
I can't just walk out of the house. If I go, I can't stay gone for long, these days. I leave when I can but I almost always come home to him on the floor. One time I came home found him on the floor covered in blood from some small lacerations, had puked on himself, lying on the floor of the kitchen. Suffice to say it was a long time before I went out by myself again.
You can say a lot about me but I "can't leave the house any time I want", and I can NEVER stay gone for long. Not these days.
And it's a damned good thing I am working out. He requires a lot more physical help getting hauled off the floor/into wheelchair/out of wheelchair and into bed/off floor and into bed and that was just today.
On the plus side, and always looking for that - he has been mostly naked today so very little laundry to do.
He says he drinks because he has back pain - it manifests as severe pain in an arm, leg, or foot. Lately it has been the right foot. He will still be in severe pain even if he goes off the alcohol. Pain doc says he can't give him any more medication. Doc says only remedy is extensive surgery, with, I'm guessing, probably a year long recovery. Even then no promises made.
Which leaves me running the business, him in a rehab hospital racking up the bills, etc. Neither of us want that.
I have to hope he will get out of this pain cycle pretty fast and then we can go back to normal life.
Re-read my post. Totally lacking in "self pity".
I am, if anything, matter of fact. You may read pity into comments like "I had to move his foot to get into the fridge" but it's just fact.
More victim shaming here from “anonymous “. That is part of the reason people stay with their abusers, the abusers get support from society. It is not ok to blame Heather.
There are so many reasons people stay in destructive relationships and a huge one has to do with other people, ESPECIALLY family who all blame the victims for the circumstances they are in.
You take a vulnerable young mentally ill woman and put her with a narcissistic alcoholic older man..then blame the woman for doing the best she can.
I believe that the more nonjudgmental support you give someone trying to leave ? the better the chances of them actually doing it will be if they feel they have a safety net of love and comfort.
There is nothing “self pitying” about wanting to get a decent nights sleep! “Crazy” people require sleep to function in the “normal” world ..and why is Heather responsible for a grown man killing himself with alcohol.
Healther I do agree you are at a dangerous crisis point, please if there is anyone you feel safe asking for help, do it.
Don't forget, when I was 17, brain damaged, and mentally ill I was actually SHOVED at this man by my parents. At one point I found out he was still on a dating chat line and talking to other women. I was done with him then and was talked OUT of leaving him and into staying.
I think him being fixed was the big appeal to one parent, and the fact he appeared to help with my depression appealed to the other parent. Whey they just didn't get me better counseling, or what - God only knows. Too busy to talk yesterday. The other one I keep going to voicemail.
Just trying to muddle it out on my own.
"I have to hope he will get out of this pain cycle pretty fast and then we can go back to normal life."
What is a normal life to you? Seems like what he is doing is your normal life and you just can't see that anymore.
Normal to me is work, home, eat out a couple of times. Working out at home, mixing it up, trying to figure out do I want that punching bag. Ron works, sleep, eat dinner, bed time (he sleeps a lot, normally), talking books and TV.
Me, get up, work out, shower, work, come home, nap, time on the computer. A Walmart delivery and taking care of the cats, that's pretty much it.
To me normal = quiet.
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