I was thrilled when Torbie ate some treats before we left, and stopped worrying. She must have eaten something she caught. She later ate a hearty lunch when we got home from work.
I hate going to Sam's on a Sunday, but we didn't have a choice. Like last time, it was a cacophony of children screaming in spanish, adults yelling spanish at each other, kids running around screaming, etc. For all intents and purposes I was in mexico and not my beloved Houston.
It is not like that on Saturday, during business hours. I got everything and got ready to check out. Not one, but two, price checks as I waited to check out. Finally got rung up, paid, went over to Ron. I leave him at the tables. And a mexican woman had parked herself right next to his wheelchair, checking her cell phone, cart blocking all access to Ron.
I pushed my cart up as close as I could get to her without hitting her. Nothing. I said "EXCUSE ME" very loudly, and nudged her with the cart. Nothing. I was pushing the large flatbed cart. I let go of the handle, walked up to her, and pointed at Ron. "THAT IS MY HUSBAND" she looked up. "CAN YOU MOVE?" She did.
So I was already in a bad temper towards mexicans. Ron wanted a hot dog. God love him. It's a good thing I did because I had to deal with the little girl shrieking "Coca? Coca!" again and again wanting her damned soda. They gave her a quart sized drink - I couldn't believe it, a little 3 year old girl. She is going to be 400 pounds by the time she is 10.
One good thing about my parents, they strictly restricted soda intake for us. They only bought it for parties and barbeques. Not very often, and they also restricted other sugary drinks. So I am aghast to see small children lugging around quarts of "coca".
Had to wait forever on that family, they kept consulting with each other in spanish and adding things onto the order. Finally got Ron's hot dog. Couldn't wait to get out of there.
The driver comes, I have him take Ron out. I get into line and am finally getting some momentum on the cart, which is very heavy and difficult to push. A woman behind me starts screaming at me to stop. I do, thinking someone wasn't watching the baby and it got into my path.
NO. It is a grown woman, about Ron's age, standing there with her little shopping cart giving me a shit-eating "Made you stop" smirk. Totally blocking my path, because it is more important to go when you want than it is to wait 10 seconds on Heather with the flatbed. She's grinning at me, like she's proud she forced me to stop. I lost it.
"Are you BLIND?" I asked. She kept smirking and I realized she "didn't speak English". What a shock. I gestured at my cart, and then at her. "Ciego? ARE YOU BLIND?" I went back to my cart and shoved it again, as the woman's husband began exclaiming indignantly "She called you blind!" HA. Didn't think I spoke Spanish, did you? Ciego means blind in spanish. So I basically yelled at her in 2 languages.
DISGUSTED.
Now, I am aware the devil wants to make me a racist. I am sure that is a goal on his chart. I am well aware how EASY it would happen if I allowed it. I am also aware of how difficult it is to maintain a good view of humanity when I am surrounded by selfish acts and stupidity. How difficult it is to have a good view of mexicans when I shop at Sam's on a Sunday. I will be glad when Jack gets his truck fixed and we can go back to Saturdays. Ugh.
We went to work and did it all. We still have one machine acting up, but functional. Repairman is coming out tomorrow. Two other machines are "down", not sure when that repairman is coming. We only have to pay the first one.
We will need a soda delivery Thursday, which isn't fun, but we will do it. It's not like we have a choice, it is horrible going to Sam's and getting soda there, then bringing it into work.
I did not get a chance to do snacks, I must do them tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a busy day, we have to run various errands after work. I am OK with that, some things have to happen. But I will look forward to my next day off.
Ron already made the trips. We came home, a nice ride, another lonely old lady who wanted to sell us her dead husband's wheelchair. We said no thanks. If for no other reason, what fluids... before he died? When someone is in bad shape fluids... and things... no thanks. I would rather get a nice fresh wheelchair from Amazon. Besides, Ron's old wheelchair works fine and it has that handy seatbelt for those days when he needs it.
She tried to tell me we could get a "special wheelchair remodel" of our house "for free" (taxpayers pay it). No thanks. Ron can get around fine; I don't want social workers coming in, taking photos, getting our socials, and filing reports with federal and state agencies. No thanks.
We got in the house. I fed the cats, Torbie ate a hearty meal and let me pick her up for a hug (normally I do not pick up my cats as I have found most of them detest it). I felt even better about her. Ron had to work on some work-related matters, so he did that while I took a nap.
Torbie and Biscuit joined me. Biscuit laid down next to my leg and put his head on my foot. You can bet I didn't twitch that foot. Torbie slept on her pillow next to me, her body on the mattress and head on the pillow - super cute. I slept for about an hour. I had a lot of caffeine today so I didn't really "go under" but I did get some rest. My feet were tired so they got a break too (in spite of Biscuit using one for a pillow).
Ron was just asking about my brother (the good one, not the primary abuser step). I told Ron I haven't heard from him in ages. Ron suggested contacting my sister for an email address. I shot that down quickly.
She may read this so I will just say drama and games live around her. Also the whole "leave him and come be MY caregiver" thing that was a deal killer.
It is difficult to do, but when a loved one is in a difficult marriage it is better to say "I support you no matter your choices". My Dad has done a pretty good job of this. She did not, Ron was always a demon to her and she could never understand why I stayed.
Of course she left her husband when she found out he was autistic, so there's that. Everything I saw of him he tried to be a good husband, he wanted to help with her hoarding issues, etc. Too many books? Let me buy you a Kindle. Stuff like that - problem solving, which autistics are pretty good at. But no, she "had" to divorce him. There were a lot of other reasons I cut off contact.
I then reminded Ron of what happened after I cut off contact. At first it was only supposed to be a month or two, I forget how long. I just said, "I have some issues with the way you are doing things and I need a break for a month or two".
She blew up my cell phone to the extent I had to put her on my block list. Ron recorded a special "group mailbox" (I think) greeting telling her to please leave me alone. She sent me a package, I sent it back. Then she called my parents having vapors, trying to scare the hell out of them. They simply told her I was fine and to please leave me alone.
She finally got the message but it took forever with the phone calls, texts, etc. So no, I am not going to resume anything. I saw more than enough in the time after I asked for a TEMPORARY break. She couldn't respect it, or me. Her need for games and drama outweighed my request. I was very disrespected and no one had to tell me that.
So, my brother will just be AWOL until he pops up again. Her kids unfriended me at some point, I am OK with that. They probably felt I injured their mother, that's not how it went down but I hope they have good lives and she does not inflict her drama onto them.
Our mother lived in drama and was not consistently there for any of us. It is very easy to get into a pattern of seeking affection and approval - but not healthy. Anyway, I'm going to go take a walk.
Took it, came back to find Ron in the garage, confused. Got him to bed, made a lemonade, talked to my parents.
I am now about to eat a Lean Cuisine Chicken Parmesan dinner.
Sunday, June 30, 2019
It could be a lizard
Well, the nap didn't work out. I am going to sleep well tonight. I got up and decided to help Ron find his cord. It has been missing since he had a bad blackout about a week ago. He couldn't have gone far with it but we can't find it. I did help him look, though. I can tell you all the places it isn't: foot of the bed, side of the bed, head of the bed, front side of the bed, behind his dresser, under his table, under his chair... you get the idea.
He will just have to call the cable company and get another cord. And then he will probably find it.
He looked some more after I stopped in his room, I looked in the bathroom (in the cabinet) and in the kitchen (found some potatoes in the cabinet that needed to go), I took out the trash, etc.
Ron just wants to relax at home, he can do that, until our trip. It wants to rain but shouldn't be too bad, I still plan to wear my flip flops. Worst case I can hang onto the wheelchair if I slip.
People don't look at that - I have support, a place to hang my stuff, etc. If he had a healing I would be a little sad to see all that go. I wouldn't miss putting the wheelchair in a trunk, though. That's a job I hate and I think one reason a certain cab driver always gets a good tip: no attitude about putting up the wheelchair. I don't mind the rest of the "helping Ron" stuff.
Like Ron told a driver once, he's my Barbie and I "get" to dress him every day. I didn't much care for dolls as a kid but I did like dressing them. If only I knew!
[went to dinner, came back] Now I just need to get him out of his clothes.
We had a good meal, I got some protein into him. We had, again, a rather long wait on our ride home but we got it eventually. A very lonely old lady monopolized me on the way home.
I checked the mail and found my Kratom! Well, "ours". They sent a TON of free samples. I already liked these guys because they are local. They also provide great customer support. This is over the top.
So I gave Ron one of the reds - just one capsule, and he slept great with no pain all night. With no side effects. It just baffles me how anyone could think this was "bad".
Ron has told me he just wants to stick to reds for now, they are sedating and have a better reputation with pain control. It's his body so that's fine. I took some "green" when I had my migraine and was very pleased with the results, a little more alert (but not too much), and no headache. I did buy some small bottles of orange juice to make it more palatable next time.
I was in the middle of typing this all out last night when we had a power failure. Ron was asleep so I went to bed early, had JUST gotten to sleep when he started shouting at me about his urinals.
As you know, they smell vile, and I was gagging in his room looking for his connector cable. So I took 3 of them, leaving one for use, and added bleach to them, then water. They foamed up. Talk about a battle of the chemicals. I let them soak for a while and that's when Ron wanted them back. So I dumped them out and returned them, he was pretty angry. I reminded him I had left one bottle for him but he wasn't placated.
I went back to bed, fell asleep again, and the power came back. I didn't know my table lamp in the bedroom pointed right at my face when I'm lying in bed. I didn't know until last night. It was an effective wakeup. So then I ran around turning everything off. Then I went back to bed.
And, around midnight, that party down the street got pretty wild and woke me up again. No wonder I am knocking back Dr Peppers like nobody's business today.
I woke up OK and reset my alarm. I will take my walk later.
Some bad news, Torbie did not want her breakfast. She looks very comfortable lying in bed on my pillow but no appetite. Ron did not give her treats. So either she caught something or age is catching up with her. My vet and I have suspected kidney disease for a while. Now, she is very comfortable and happy. I went in and talked to her today, said the things that should be said about loving her, etc. You just never know.
I just don't think that is a good sign. I'm not going to let her suffer at any rate. Not doing it.
I am just hoping she ate a lizard, and is full. That would be ideal. She doesn't seem to be in distress, which is of utmost importance.
Like I've said, NOT getting another one if she does pass. Baby Girl owns Ron and would feel very threatened.
But, like I said, it could be a lizard. She does like to hunt outside in her cage. I should know more by the time we get home from work, a cat in distress is very OBVIOUS about it. At least that has been my experience.
Times like this I wish I had webcam pointed at her so I could watch her today. On the plus side, the other two cats are doing great. They yelled for breakfast the minute I got up and ate a good amount. They are still pretty young and lively.
But I am just drawn to senior cats. They generally have a very tragic tale. They are slow and sweet. They appreciate every little thing. I will never forget Frosty (white cat)'s face when he realized that petting was a good thing. He couldn't get enough of it, after that.
Kittens are cute and fun (better to get two at a time, like I did with Biscuit and Gravy), but my heart is with the senior cat. Even though I lose them sooner.
Biscuit is snoring on the floor, laying on his back, legs in the air, behind me right now. I also have a heart for special needs cats like him. He's such a good boy.
Ron rescued Baby Girl as a kitten, and she's one of those one-person cats. That person is Ron. My other cats love us both, but Baby Girl really only loves Ron. I am OK with that, she brings him a lot of happiness. And things may change with Baby Girl after Torbie goes. We will have to see.
I tease Ron I will cremate him when he dies, cremate Baby Girl when she dies, and mix their ashes before I scatter them. He always laughs but I think he would like that.
I had better get ready for work.
He will just have to call the cable company and get another cord. And then he will probably find it.
He looked some more after I stopped in his room, I looked in the bathroom (in the cabinet) and in the kitchen (found some potatoes in the cabinet that needed to go), I took out the trash, etc.
Ron just wants to relax at home, he can do that, until our trip. It wants to rain but shouldn't be too bad, I still plan to wear my flip flops. Worst case I can hang onto the wheelchair if I slip.
People don't look at that - I have support, a place to hang my stuff, etc. If he had a healing I would be a little sad to see all that go. I wouldn't miss putting the wheelchair in a trunk, though. That's a job I hate and I think one reason a certain cab driver always gets a good tip: no attitude about putting up the wheelchair. I don't mind the rest of the "helping Ron" stuff.
Like Ron told a driver once, he's my Barbie and I "get" to dress him every day. I didn't much care for dolls as a kid but I did like dressing them. If only I knew!
[went to dinner, came back] Now I just need to get him out of his clothes.
We had a good meal, I got some protein into him. We had, again, a rather long wait on our ride home but we got it eventually. A very lonely old lady monopolized me on the way home.
I checked the mail and found my Kratom! Well, "ours". They sent a TON of free samples. I already liked these guys because they are local. They also provide great customer support. This is over the top.
So I gave Ron one of the reds - just one capsule, and he slept great with no pain all night. With no side effects. It just baffles me how anyone could think this was "bad".
Ron has told me he just wants to stick to reds for now, they are sedating and have a better reputation with pain control. It's his body so that's fine. I took some "green" when I had my migraine and was very pleased with the results, a little more alert (but not too much), and no headache. I did buy some small bottles of orange juice to make it more palatable next time.
I was in the middle of typing this all out last night when we had a power failure. Ron was asleep so I went to bed early, had JUST gotten to sleep when he started shouting at me about his urinals.
As you know, they smell vile, and I was gagging in his room looking for his connector cable. So I took 3 of them, leaving one for use, and added bleach to them, then water. They foamed up. Talk about a battle of the chemicals. I let them soak for a while and that's when Ron wanted them back. So I dumped them out and returned them, he was pretty angry. I reminded him I had left one bottle for him but he wasn't placated.
I went back to bed, fell asleep again, and the power came back. I didn't know my table lamp in the bedroom pointed right at my face when I'm lying in bed. I didn't know until last night. It was an effective wakeup. So then I ran around turning everything off. Then I went back to bed.
And, around midnight, that party down the street got pretty wild and woke me up again. No wonder I am knocking back Dr Peppers like nobody's business today.
I woke up OK and reset my alarm. I will take my walk later.
Some bad news, Torbie did not want her breakfast. She looks very comfortable lying in bed on my pillow but no appetite. Ron did not give her treats. So either she caught something or age is catching up with her. My vet and I have suspected kidney disease for a while. Now, she is very comfortable and happy. I went in and talked to her today, said the things that should be said about loving her, etc. You just never know.
I just don't think that is a good sign. I'm not going to let her suffer at any rate. Not doing it.
I am just hoping she ate a lizard, and is full. That would be ideal. She doesn't seem to be in distress, which is of utmost importance.
Like I've said, NOT getting another one if she does pass. Baby Girl owns Ron and would feel very threatened.
But, like I said, it could be a lizard. She does like to hunt outside in her cage. I should know more by the time we get home from work, a cat in distress is very OBVIOUS about it. At least that has been my experience.
Times like this I wish I had webcam pointed at her so I could watch her today. On the plus side, the other two cats are doing great. They yelled for breakfast the minute I got up and ate a good amount. They are still pretty young and lively.
But I am just drawn to senior cats. They generally have a very tragic tale. They are slow and sweet. They appreciate every little thing. I will never forget Frosty (white cat)'s face when he realized that petting was a good thing. He couldn't get enough of it, after that.
Kittens are cute and fun (better to get two at a time, like I did with Biscuit and Gravy), but my heart is with the senior cat. Even though I lose them sooner.
Biscuit is snoring on the floor, laying on his back, legs in the air, behind me right now. I also have a heart for special needs cats like him. He's such a good boy.
Ron rescued Baby Girl as a kitten, and she's one of those one-person cats. That person is Ron. My other cats love us both, but Baby Girl really only loves Ron. I am OK with that, she brings him a lot of happiness. And things may change with Baby Girl after Torbie goes. We will have to see.
I tease Ron I will cremate him when he dies, cremate Baby Girl when she dies, and mix their ashes before I scatter them. He always laughs but I think he would like that.
I had better get ready for work.
Saturday, June 29, 2019
Saturday morning
I slept pretty well but Ron accidentally woke me up about the same time my bladder let out a red alert. I think my bladder already had me up when I heard him, because he was pretty quiet.
At any rate he apologized and I went back to bed after attending to business.
Torbie and Biscuit love to sleep with me, and I am happy to see them. I do secretly wish they gave me more room, but if it is less room + cats I will take it. It is a sad, lonely, and bewildering bed when they don't sleep with me.
And Torbie's about at the end of all things so I had better appreciate her while I have her. I've talked to Ron, we will not get another cat. Baby Girl does not like other cats - she had a terrible time accepting Torbie. Biscuit was easier because he was a kitten and he came with a playmate, and was quickly neutered.
I don't want to stress Baby Girl. She is a good cat, but very possessive of Ron. I will have Biscuit to be my buddy, he is in here with me right now. He's a good boy. [Turned my head] yup, lying on the floor behind me. And he sleeps with me, which I have to admit is my favorite. As far as I'm concerned my cat can ignore me all day long, but all is forgiven if I get some cuddles at night.
Night is generally a harder time for me, not sure about you (feel free to tell me).
I got up this morning pretty much on time, 3 hours before my delivery. I got on the computer for a while and then did my bike workout. For some reason it felt a lot longer today. I took a shower and ate a slice of pizza, took my pills.
I had about 250 mg of caffeine trying to get going. I will watch my intake.
A little time for more computer before the delivery. I got about $90 worth of stuff so it will be a while bringing it in.
I have to admit, Ron was absolutely right about his "airlock" idea: open the garage door, go in, shut garage door, open door to the house, no escaped cats. Baby Girl got out the front door the other day and I had to chase her in my bare feet. I managed to grab her because the ground was wet and she didn't like it.
We are going out to the buffet place later. Hopefully the trips will work out. I will try to stuff Ron full of protein. He does not get enough.
And I just got an email my order is coming.
Got it, they didn't have Ron's cashews. And they subbed several LARGE Powerades for my 20 ouncer case. Not an issue.
Going to take a nap before we leave.
At any rate he apologized and I went back to bed after attending to business.
Torbie and Biscuit love to sleep with me, and I am happy to see them. I do secretly wish they gave me more room, but if it is less room + cats I will take it. It is a sad, lonely, and bewildering bed when they don't sleep with me.
And Torbie's about at the end of all things so I had better appreciate her while I have her. I've talked to Ron, we will not get another cat. Baby Girl does not like other cats - she had a terrible time accepting Torbie. Biscuit was easier because he was a kitten and he came with a playmate, and was quickly neutered.
I don't want to stress Baby Girl. She is a good cat, but very possessive of Ron. I will have Biscuit to be my buddy, he is in here with me right now. He's a good boy. [Turned my head] yup, lying on the floor behind me. And he sleeps with me, which I have to admit is my favorite. As far as I'm concerned my cat can ignore me all day long, but all is forgiven if I get some cuddles at night.
Night is generally a harder time for me, not sure about you (feel free to tell me).
I got up this morning pretty much on time, 3 hours before my delivery. I got on the computer for a while and then did my bike workout. For some reason it felt a lot longer today. I took a shower and ate a slice of pizza, took my pills.
I had about 250 mg of caffeine trying to get going. I will watch my intake.
A little time for more computer before the delivery. I got about $90 worth of stuff so it will be a while bringing it in.
I have to admit, Ron was absolutely right about his "airlock" idea: open the garage door, go in, shut garage door, open door to the house, no escaped cats. Baby Girl got out the front door the other day and I had to chase her in my bare feet. I managed to grab her because the ground was wet and she didn't like it.
We are going out to the buffet place later. Hopefully the trips will work out. I will try to stuff Ron full of protein. He does not get enough.
And I just got an email my order is coming.
Got it, they didn't have Ron's cashews. And they subbed several LARGE Powerades for my 20 ouncer case. Not an issue.
Going to take a nap before we leave.
Friday, June 28, 2019
After the workout
I shook off my pity party and got dressed in my workout clothes. I love my 11 inch inseam bike shorts, form fitting but not slutty (I think). I paired it with an oversized microfiber tshirt, socks, and sneakers. I put on my favorite perfume, I can never wear it at work because food service and perfume are just a big NO. Unless you want flowery tuna and cheetos. I often forget to wear it when I am not at work, or I have a headache with sensitivity.
I took a walk. I could see a storm coming in, it is interesting. Most of the time everyone hides when a thunderstorm approaches. I was outside watching the clouds and lightning. It was fascinating. I had a good walk, came inside, took off shoes and socks.
Kettlebell is best done barefoot, per my reading (several books). I went out and did that, a good workout but not trying to kill myself. 20 minutes.
I was pretty sweaty after. I hung up my sweatband (I wash them every week) and headed out to the mailbox. It was raining pretty hard so I took off my flip flops and walked through the puddles, one of my favorite things to do since I was a girl.
I found a talking book for Ron, and brought it back to him. Ron was doing his "suffering" routine and not mad at me anymore. If he was hurting he should have asked for something.
But I will never understand him completely. We had a power spike and lost power, internet went down. My computer utterly freaked over that, I had to reboot it.
Everything was fine, though.
My hair is soaked but I put most of my fitness clothes in the wash, hung up the bike shorts (again, washed every week). I felt nicely calmed and energized from the workout. That is really the ideal, I think.
I used to do 1.5 to 2 hour workouts several times a week. No wonder I was exhausted all the time and could never sustain it for long. Far better to do half an hour most days a week, sometimes cardio, sometimes weights, but mixing it up and keeping it fresh - and short!
Then I have the energy to go live my life. Because I don't want to be that bitter, sullen, person.
The cats joined me in solidarity for a while, all 3 of them in this small room, it was pretty funny. It's like they were siding with me.
They scattered when I got up to do my workout. That's OK.
I am starting to get hungry so I'm going to murder some pizza and take my pills. My parents have been wanting to know about our mandatory business conference this fall, I finally got the information so they can make their plans. I hate to hold anyone up - I really hate that.
So now they can plan their visit. Ron said he will be fine overnight (we usually go to Galveston) so he can stay home and think about what life is like without Heather in it. I will be off having fun at the beach.
One day, at least.
I will call the vet and make arrangements to board Biscuit, after I talk to them. The girls will be fine with a big ol' food bowl on the floor and plenty of water in their fountains, clean boxes - they will have a good time eating all the treats Ron will give them.
Biscuit won't be having as much fun but he will only eat his food, stay healthy, and won't he be happy to see me when I pick him up?
I took a walk. I could see a storm coming in, it is interesting. Most of the time everyone hides when a thunderstorm approaches. I was outside watching the clouds and lightning. It was fascinating. I had a good walk, came inside, took off shoes and socks.
Kettlebell is best done barefoot, per my reading (several books). I went out and did that, a good workout but not trying to kill myself. 20 minutes.
I was pretty sweaty after. I hung up my sweatband (I wash them every week) and headed out to the mailbox. It was raining pretty hard so I took off my flip flops and walked through the puddles, one of my favorite things to do since I was a girl.
I found a talking book for Ron, and brought it back to him. Ron was doing his "suffering" routine and not mad at me anymore. If he was hurting he should have asked for something.
But I will never understand him completely. We had a power spike and lost power, internet went down. My computer utterly freaked over that, I had to reboot it.
Everything was fine, though.
My hair is soaked but I put most of my fitness clothes in the wash, hung up the bike shorts (again, washed every week). I felt nicely calmed and energized from the workout. That is really the ideal, I think.
I used to do 1.5 to 2 hour workouts several times a week. No wonder I was exhausted all the time and could never sustain it for long. Far better to do half an hour most days a week, sometimes cardio, sometimes weights, but mixing it up and keeping it fresh - and short!
Then I have the energy to go live my life. Because I don't want to be that bitter, sullen, person.
The cats joined me in solidarity for a while, all 3 of them in this small room, it was pretty funny. It's like they were siding with me.
They scattered when I got up to do my workout. That's OK.
I am starting to get hungry so I'm going to murder some pizza and take my pills. My parents have been wanting to know about our mandatory business conference this fall, I finally got the information so they can make their plans. I hate to hold anyone up - I really hate that.
So now they can plan their visit. Ron said he will be fine overnight (we usually go to Galveston) so he can stay home and think about what life is like without Heather in it. I will be off having fun at the beach.
One day, at least.
I will call the vet and make arrangements to board Biscuit, after I talk to them. The girls will be fine with a big ol' food bowl on the floor and plenty of water in their fountains, clean boxes - they will have a good time eating all the treats Ron will give them.
Biscuit won't be having as much fun but he will only eat his food, stay healthy, and won't he be happy to see me when I pick him up?
It's not if, it's WHEN.
The pizza was very good, I slept OK, and I decided to do my workout later today. I got up, took my shower, helped Ron, etc. We went to work, it was a straight trip but a little late.
We did not have any deliveries so it didn't matter. We got there and 2 soda machines were down. Ron did not call in for a repair so they will just be down until he does.
He had some pain before leaving the house, I gave him some Kratom, it lasted for several hours. He did not drink after taking it.
We got to work and I helped him stock what we could, etc. Basically fetching and carrying, being at his beck and call, for hours, doing EVERYTHING he requested and then some. After all that he sorted change (with my help) while I simultaneously did my work. I couldn't do much,though, because he wouldn't make a trip to go to the warehouse to buy candy bars. The customers are going to be pissed about that.
But I did it all, carrying the business on my back the way I do. I got Ron outside and put him under the shade tree while I waited in the hot sun. Because I like to think of myself as a kind person and I don't like to see him all sweaty. He is always dehydrated, too, so could be more prone to heat illness.
ANYWAY, went home, came in the house. I had 1 slice of pizza and a glass of soy milk mixed with regular milk. I am rather fond of my concoction. I told him I was going to take a quick nap and went and laid down with Torbie. I had trouble falling asleep, and when I finally did I heard him literally shouting conversation at our "new" driver, on the phone. I went out and asked him to be quiet, I was trying to sleep.
He was OK with that. I laid down again but I couldn't sleep. In that, I'm like my Dad - sometimes if you wake me up I'm not going back to sleep. I got up and told Ron forget about being quiet, I was awake now. "I thought you were going back to sleep"
"I couldn't go back to sleep"
"What was the problem?"
"You were very loud on the phone and woke me up" Had he allowed me to finish I would have said, I can sleep when you have a normal conversation, but when you are saturated with vodka you want to scream all your conversations, even talking to the cat. It is very tiresome.
All he heard was "You were loud". Cue personal attacks on my weight, my need for sleep, my ability to help with the business, etc. Cue name calling. He's just a hardworking (!) man trying to run a business and I'm attacking him (all this I never yelled at him or raised my voice).
He was very drunk, but he did manage to get himself to bed - with the radio I just bought him. I am sure he will listen to it as he lies in bed telling himself I'm a bitch.
Alcohol just makes him a really ugly, unpleasant, person. I don't like who he is when he drinks. He's just ugly and hateful. He can be plenty ugly and hateful when sober, but it is amplified when he does drink, which as we all know is "every day".
I have seen maybe a half dozen people I know (save my Aunt's family) drink, and they were all diminished by the alcohol - or bad traits worsened, just ugly, awful, and embarassing. My aunt's family is probably the norm - I have seen a couple of them all have one drink and then put it away. They were fine with it. They did not get ugly or awful. But everyone else, pretty much, did.
That's just my experience. You may have a rousing time drinking at home or with your friends. I don't begrudge you that - I will have a WORD if you're pregnant - but the average person probably is not ugly with alcohol. I just don't have enough experience.
To be honest, based on what I have seen with Ron I have always tried to avoid people who drink. Yes, Ron went out of his way to be nice to me when he was in excruciating pain, needed a ride to the doctor, etc. He generally is very nice to me when he needs something. But the second he felt better - BAM - in with the personal attacks and hatefulness. It just makes me want to walk out.
It's a good thing, for him, I have the cats. They define what I am willing to accept. He had better hope they live a LONG time.
I just feel so battered. All I have ever done is help him. I used to be utterly addicted to his approval - not so much these days, not for a long time. He says something nice and that voice in my head repeats all the awful things he has ALSO said to me, and says it is better to receive nothing from him.
He hasn't attacked my faith in a long time but I think I finally got it through to him that often, my faith was the only thing keeping me around.
If anyone knew the truth (verbal and physical abuse, alcoholic) they wouldn't blame me for ditching him. I am trying to hold up my end of things but he is letting his end fall. He wants to be a drunken victim. How does a person fight that? You can't.
He became more disabled and needed a wheelchair that would fit in the bathroom, so he could toilet by himself. I made that happen.
Blood clots in his legs? I took him to the doctor, the diagnostic center, and then the hospital. I ran the business while he was in the hospital and cheerfully consented to him spending $500 a month on medication. Because he needed all of it.
I was nothing but supportive during the whole back surgery fiasco. I made more money running the business by myself than he did.
I take care of the cats',and his, every need. Without an attitude.
Where in this am I the bitch? The whore? The "fat" bitch? The "lazy" person? I don't see it.
I am NOT putting myself out to be a saint, I have flaws. I get resentful, more than I feel I should. I don't want to by a martyr but I feel forced into the role sometimes and that makes me angry. I get angry. Times like now I hate him and wonder why I got "cheated" on my husband, especially when I see many of my friends in happy, healthy, loving relationships. I resent him at times - he could TRY and fight, but he won't. Bitter - yes, at times. I work very hard on not living in these places.
It is very hard not to.
We did not have any deliveries so it didn't matter. We got there and 2 soda machines were down. Ron did not call in for a repair so they will just be down until he does.
He had some pain before leaving the house, I gave him some Kratom, it lasted for several hours. He did not drink after taking it.
We got to work and I helped him stock what we could, etc. Basically fetching and carrying, being at his beck and call, for hours, doing EVERYTHING he requested and then some. After all that he sorted change (with my help) while I simultaneously did my work. I couldn't do much,though, because he wouldn't make a trip to go to the warehouse to buy candy bars. The customers are going to be pissed about that.
But I did it all, carrying the business on my back the way I do. I got Ron outside and put him under the shade tree while I waited in the hot sun. Because I like to think of myself as a kind person and I don't like to see him all sweaty. He is always dehydrated, too, so could be more prone to heat illness.
ANYWAY, went home, came in the house. I had 1 slice of pizza and a glass of soy milk mixed with regular milk. I am rather fond of my concoction. I told him I was going to take a quick nap and went and laid down with Torbie. I had trouble falling asleep, and when I finally did I heard him literally shouting conversation at our "new" driver, on the phone. I went out and asked him to be quiet, I was trying to sleep.
He was OK with that. I laid down again but I couldn't sleep. In that, I'm like my Dad - sometimes if you wake me up I'm not going back to sleep. I got up and told Ron forget about being quiet, I was awake now. "I thought you were going back to sleep"
"I couldn't go back to sleep"
"What was the problem?"
"You were very loud on the phone and woke me up" Had he allowed me to finish I would have said, I can sleep when you have a normal conversation, but when you are saturated with vodka you want to scream all your conversations, even talking to the cat. It is very tiresome.
All he heard was "You were loud". Cue personal attacks on my weight, my need for sleep, my ability to help with the business, etc. Cue name calling. He's just a hardworking (!) man trying to run a business and I'm attacking him (all this I never yelled at him or raised my voice).
He was very drunk, but he did manage to get himself to bed - with the radio I just bought him. I am sure he will listen to it as he lies in bed telling himself I'm a bitch.
Alcohol just makes him a really ugly, unpleasant, person. I don't like who he is when he drinks. He's just ugly and hateful. He can be plenty ugly and hateful when sober, but it is amplified when he does drink, which as we all know is "every day".
I have seen maybe a half dozen people I know (save my Aunt's family) drink, and they were all diminished by the alcohol - or bad traits worsened, just ugly, awful, and embarassing. My aunt's family is probably the norm - I have seen a couple of them all have one drink and then put it away. They were fine with it. They did not get ugly or awful. But everyone else, pretty much, did.
That's just my experience. You may have a rousing time drinking at home or with your friends. I don't begrudge you that - I will have a WORD if you're pregnant - but the average person probably is not ugly with alcohol. I just don't have enough experience.
To be honest, based on what I have seen with Ron I have always tried to avoid people who drink. Yes, Ron went out of his way to be nice to me when he was in excruciating pain, needed a ride to the doctor, etc. He generally is very nice to me when he needs something. But the second he felt better - BAM - in with the personal attacks and hatefulness. It just makes me want to walk out.
It's a good thing, for him, I have the cats. They define what I am willing to accept. He had better hope they live a LONG time.
I just feel so battered. All I have ever done is help him. I used to be utterly addicted to his approval - not so much these days, not for a long time. He says something nice and that voice in my head repeats all the awful things he has ALSO said to me, and says it is better to receive nothing from him.
He hasn't attacked my faith in a long time but I think I finally got it through to him that often, my faith was the only thing keeping me around.
If anyone knew the truth (verbal and physical abuse, alcoholic) they wouldn't blame me for ditching him. I am trying to hold up my end of things but he is letting his end fall. He wants to be a drunken victim. How does a person fight that? You can't.
He became more disabled and needed a wheelchair that would fit in the bathroom, so he could toilet by himself. I made that happen.
Blood clots in his legs? I took him to the doctor, the diagnostic center, and then the hospital. I ran the business while he was in the hospital and cheerfully consented to him spending $500 a month on medication. Because he needed all of it.
I was nothing but supportive during the whole back surgery fiasco. I made more money running the business by myself than he did.
I take care of the cats',and his, every need. Without an attitude.
Where in this am I the bitch? The whore? The "fat" bitch? The "lazy" person? I don't see it.
I am NOT putting myself out to be a saint, I have flaws. I get resentful, more than I feel I should. I don't want to by a martyr but I feel forced into the role sometimes and that makes me angry. I get angry. Times like now I hate him and wonder why I got "cheated" on my husband, especially when I see many of my friends in happy, healthy, loving relationships. I resent him at times - he could TRY and fight, but he won't. Bitter - yes, at times. I work very hard on not living in these places.
It is very hard not to.
Thursday, June 27, 2019
Thursday
Rain all week, it was supposed to be dry.
I woke up around 7 and did my workout on the exercise bike, did 45 minutes. My heart rate was lower than I would have liked but I find it is better and more palatable to do a less intense workout when depressed. It was still about 60% which is a good range.
I got off and took my shower, my hair was really bad because I didn't shower yesterday. I was debating what I wanted to do: watch some TV and take a nap, or go out. I was thinking it would be fun to go to the Waffle House maybe. And the thunder started.
Rain, again. Now, I am very happy we are not in a drought. I think 2011 we had such a bad drought I had a pipe crack in my yard. So I don't want that.
But it meant I'd be stuck at home - out on foot in the rain just doesn't work. So I took a nap. I woke up with a headache but a soda cured that. I changed my pillow configuration somewhat so I think that is helping.
I talked to Ron (he was drinking) and got him back to bed, then found out our schedule for the next couple days. I will have to get my Walmart delivery on Sunday. So I selected that while it was still open and started putting things in my cart.
I came here and read my comments, then, based on one, added some shelf stable orange juice to the order. Walmart lets you modify your order for a while after you place it.
I finished that up, all done, coming Sunday morning. I need to figure out tonight's dinner. I am depressed and vaguely queasy. I have eaten a number of cheese sticks today and need something more substantial. I want to get something delivered but I am not sure what.
I doubt Ron will complain if I get more Specialty chicken. He loves that. I need to go to bed pretty early so I can get up early and do my kettlebells. I'll need to get up at 6. That's not bad.
I had better go figure out my dinner. I may edit and let you know what I got.
Edit: I had a free pizza coming, so I upgraded it to "pan" with double pepperoni (cost to me, $2), got some parmesan bread bites, a diet soda, and some chicken for Ron. Not sure when it's coming: it's Friday night so it may be a while. But I am looking forward to it.
I woke up around 7 and did my workout on the exercise bike, did 45 minutes. My heart rate was lower than I would have liked but I find it is better and more palatable to do a less intense workout when depressed. It was still about 60% which is a good range.
I got off and took my shower, my hair was really bad because I didn't shower yesterday. I was debating what I wanted to do: watch some TV and take a nap, or go out. I was thinking it would be fun to go to the Waffle House maybe. And the thunder started.
Rain, again. Now, I am very happy we are not in a drought. I think 2011 we had such a bad drought I had a pipe crack in my yard. So I don't want that.
But it meant I'd be stuck at home - out on foot in the rain just doesn't work. So I took a nap. I woke up with a headache but a soda cured that. I changed my pillow configuration somewhat so I think that is helping.
I talked to Ron (he was drinking) and got him back to bed, then found out our schedule for the next couple days. I will have to get my Walmart delivery on Sunday. So I selected that while it was still open and started putting things in my cart.
I came here and read my comments, then, based on one, added some shelf stable orange juice to the order. Walmart lets you modify your order for a while after you place it.
I finished that up, all done, coming Sunday morning. I need to figure out tonight's dinner. I am depressed and vaguely queasy. I have eaten a number of cheese sticks today and need something more substantial. I want to get something delivered but I am not sure what.
I doubt Ron will complain if I get more Specialty chicken. He loves that. I need to go to bed pretty early so I can get up early and do my kettlebells. I'll need to get up at 6. That's not bad.
I had better go figure out my dinner. I may edit and let you know what I got.
Edit: I had a free pizza coming, so I upgraded it to "pan" with double pepperoni (cost to me, $2), got some parmesan bread bites, a diet soda, and some chicken for Ron. Not sure when it's coming: it's Friday night so it may be a while. But I am looking forward to it.
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
I'm becoming a fan
I read countless accounts of Kratom helping with severe pain. Message boards had threads on the subject, pro and con, but the pro writers spoke of extreme pain and tremendous relief. I did some research, found it is legal in Texas, and bought some.
I didn't try it on Ron until last week. He had dramatic results. I am very impressed and planning to order more for him.
As you know, I have nasty headaches. Part of it is genetics, part due to medication. I had one today. Now, when I placed my order for Ron's material I threw in a bag for myself (they come in one ounce bags, at least from my guy, powder or capsule). I got powder, it is easily mixed into food or drink. I figured it would also keep me from reaching for it every day if I 'liked" it too much.
I finally got sick of the headache today and tried 1/4 t powder in some applesauce. Let me tell you, it tasted really bad. It reminded me of valerian root if you have ever experienced that. I had a very nasty persistent migraine that was a good 5 in a 1-10.
15 minutes later it is pretty much gone. I still have that horrible taste in my mouth, though. I see why some have vomiting associated with kratom, it has a very strong, bitter, taste. I have a slight headache still but it has only been 15 minutes.
I can think about cleaning the litter box now, for which the cats will thank me. I can enjoy my day off.
So I did some more research, all of it favorable. Some say "it gets you high". I got high off an antibiotic once and I am not even getting a buzz. I'm not as foggy as usual, that's all. Still have that taste in my mouth.
Definitely getting capsules next time, worth the extra $10.
The big pharmaceutical companies are running scared, and have influenced the FDA to criminalize kratom. Try saying that fast a few times.
There was a big push in 2016, a big push back by outraged consumers, and it was shelved for now. But the credit card companies want nothing to do with kratom companies now, so you have to use alternate methods of payment.
You can bet I will write some letters to my people (ahead of anything) letting them know where I stand on the subject. How much it helps Ron.
And, apparently, me. Headache is almost gone at 3:23 (took it at 3). I hate losing a day to a migraine. If I have to taste cat urine on my tongue for a while I am OK with that.
I went the conventional route. I took Ron to many doctors, countless x-rays, exams, MRI, surgery, physical therapy, pills, nothing. This helps (when he takes it, which was only during the bad time this last weekend). No bad side effects for either of us.
My heart was already racing from the caffeine when I took the kratom. It isn't any worse, though.
Caffeine is really a rough drug when you think about all the side effects. If I can do something safer instead I will. So there's another analgesic maker out of work due to kratom.
Ron and I reached an agreement, if he wants some Kratom he will ask for it and I will give it to him. I won't ask if he needs it (unless he is clearly in pain).
Now I'm off to clean that litter box.
I didn't try it on Ron until last week. He had dramatic results. I am very impressed and planning to order more for him.
As you know, I have nasty headaches. Part of it is genetics, part due to medication. I had one today. Now, when I placed my order for Ron's material I threw in a bag for myself (they come in one ounce bags, at least from my guy, powder or capsule). I got powder, it is easily mixed into food or drink. I figured it would also keep me from reaching for it every day if I 'liked" it too much.
I finally got sick of the headache today and tried 1/4 t powder in some applesauce. Let me tell you, it tasted really bad. It reminded me of valerian root if you have ever experienced that. I had a very nasty persistent migraine that was a good 5 in a 1-10.
15 minutes later it is pretty much gone. I still have that horrible taste in my mouth, though. I see why some have vomiting associated with kratom, it has a very strong, bitter, taste. I have a slight headache still but it has only been 15 minutes.
I can think about cleaning the litter box now, for which the cats will thank me. I can enjoy my day off.
So I did some more research, all of it favorable. Some say "it gets you high". I got high off an antibiotic once and I am not even getting a buzz. I'm not as foggy as usual, that's all. Still have that taste in my mouth.
Definitely getting capsules next time, worth the extra $10.
The big pharmaceutical companies are running scared, and have influenced the FDA to criminalize kratom. Try saying that fast a few times.
There was a big push in 2016, a big push back by outraged consumers, and it was shelved for now. But the credit card companies want nothing to do with kratom companies now, so you have to use alternate methods of payment.
You can bet I will write some letters to my people (ahead of anything) letting them know where I stand on the subject. How much it helps Ron.
And, apparently, me. Headache is almost gone at 3:23 (took it at 3). I hate losing a day to a migraine. If I have to taste cat urine on my tongue for a while I am OK with that.
I went the conventional route. I took Ron to many doctors, countless x-rays, exams, MRI, surgery, physical therapy, pills, nothing. This helps (when he takes it, which was only during the bad time this last weekend). No bad side effects for either of us.
My heart was already racing from the caffeine when I took the kratom. It isn't any worse, though.
Caffeine is really a rough drug when you think about all the side effects. If I can do something safer instead I will. So there's another analgesic maker out of work due to kratom.
Ron and I reached an agreement, if he wants some Kratom he will ask for it and I will give it to him. I won't ask if he needs it (unless he is clearly in pain).
Now I'm off to clean that litter box.
Ron's having a good day
Singing along with the radio, sitting in his wheelchair in his underwear. Cute.
Wednesday morning
I slept OK last night but still depressed. I am checking my scale but still down where I was last. It is hard to break free of the whole "I am my measurements" thinking.
Anyway, I dragged myself up, fed the cats, fed Ron (in that order), drank a Diet Mountain Dew. Drank another.
Our trash pickup comes around 7-8 in the morning every Wednesday. Last night #6 apparently had "home church" again and about a dozen cars all scattered around, including in front of my house. I was glaring at it and I noticed #2's trash can. Ooops.
I quickly took my can out to the curb, then I went to bed. So I heard the trash come this morning, thank God. You know, after Hurricane Ike we didn't have any trash pickup for 3 weeks? It was horrible. In summer heat!
So happy to hear them. On hot days I try to take them some bottled water but I wasn't dressed this morning.
My aunt will tell you about the time we went to Ikea and I found a loud yellow bathrobe. It is so bright I avoid it when I have a migraine. It is REALLY loud. It is about knee length. It covers everything but is very hard to miss. I keep it on the couch so I can pick it up if I am not dressed and someone knocks on the door.
I am a bit of a nudist at home. And now you will never get that visual out of your head! :p
So, I had to bring in the trash can. If I don't the neighbors will swap their stinky can for my "nice" one. It has happened before.
No energy, depressed, sitting on the computer, even after 2 mountain dews, and the opening notes: "The Final Countdown" by Europe. It gave me the energy to haul myself out of my chair, put on the bathrobe, and fetch the can. I even emptied Ron's garbage can. He is asleep, listening to the radio. He seems happy, I won't disturb him.
He does not seem to be in much pain, a lot of the time. I attribute that to the prescription. But other days he is in agonizing pain for days on end. I asked the pain doctor about that "He had a really bad weekend" and pain doc said "He has extensive arthritis in his back, it probably flared with the bad weather we had this weekend".
Happily not much rain due in the next couple weeks. I would love to put Ron on a diet for inflammation - keto or something. But he wouldn't eat it. He wants chicken strips, fried chicken, Specialty chicken from Dominoes, etc. He wants chips. He wants popcorn. All of which are probably contributing to his back.
He doesn't have much joy in life (aside from Baby Girl) and he gets a little from food. I don't think he would enjoy, or be compliant, with a restrictive diet. But I could be wrong, I will ask him when he's awake.
I need to figure out what I am doing today. I am waiting for the Kratom people to call me and process the transaction. I ordered enough to last him for a while. As I hoped, I think he will only use it on Really Bad Days which is better all around. That should help it last forever. He only needed about 6 capsules a day at the worst of it. Suggested dose is up to 14 so well in bounds. I suspect he has a pretty high pain tolerance. I remember he had open heart surgery after the accident, they cracked his chest like a walnut, hauled it open, did the graft (he had an artery injury that needed repair), closed him up with wires, then stapled the skin on top of that.
They took the staples out after 2 weeks, he has a hell of a scar that scares the crap out of medical professionals. His sternum (breastbone) was still healing,and the ribs, when he came home. And his cat at the time, Shadow, loved to get on his chest and sit, all dozen pounds of her, on the healing. I always asked him if it bothered him, or the ribs, and he always said no and would pet her. [she later died of breast cancer]
So I have to think he has a pretty high pain tolerance. Most patients scoff at his pain med, much less the dose. But most days it works for him. So I am not surprised that a low dose of kratom has been so helpful for him. That makes it all around easy. And affordable - to treat his pain.
And he can always go up on those exceptionally horrible days. So far though we have just had Really Bad Days - that's where he used up his pain medication, taking extra on those days, and I couldn't blame him, looking on. It was clear he was in exceptional pain.
So, no pain today. Yay! Not enough to mention at any rate.
Ron was hit by a truck. His lower leg was broken in 3 pieces. His ribs were broken, his vertebra were actually pushed sideways in his back. Since then: severe arthritis everywhere (still wish he'd do an anti-inflammatory diet). So pain is understandable. I didn't even mention the head injury - his head was BOUNCED off the pavement with 3 kinds of brain damage but he never has a headache. Ever. I find that one so interesting, I am all headaches.
I think I'm going to go ahead and do my workout, then shower. I have some really good, caramel, low sugar protein shakes I really enjoy. I will have one of those with my pills after my shower.
I did up all my pills yesterday, it took a while but I got them. Now I am good for 2 weeks. I store them in a safer place because Ron has gone near my former storage area on a few occasions when very drunk, fumbling around.
The last thing I want is 2 weeks' of medication all over the floor.
Anyway, I dragged myself up, fed the cats, fed Ron (in that order), drank a Diet Mountain Dew. Drank another.
Our trash pickup comes around 7-8 in the morning every Wednesday. Last night #6 apparently had "home church" again and about a dozen cars all scattered around, including in front of my house. I was glaring at it and I noticed #2's trash can. Ooops.
I quickly took my can out to the curb, then I went to bed. So I heard the trash come this morning, thank God. You know, after Hurricane Ike we didn't have any trash pickup for 3 weeks? It was horrible. In summer heat!
So happy to hear them. On hot days I try to take them some bottled water but I wasn't dressed this morning.
My aunt will tell you about the time we went to Ikea and I found a loud yellow bathrobe. It is so bright I avoid it when I have a migraine. It is REALLY loud. It is about knee length. It covers everything but is very hard to miss. I keep it on the couch so I can pick it up if I am not dressed and someone knocks on the door.
I am a bit of a nudist at home. And now you will never get that visual out of your head! :p
So, I had to bring in the trash can. If I don't the neighbors will swap their stinky can for my "nice" one. It has happened before.
No energy, depressed, sitting on the computer, even after 2 mountain dews, and the opening notes: "The Final Countdown" by Europe. It gave me the energy to haul myself out of my chair, put on the bathrobe, and fetch the can. I even emptied Ron's garbage can. He is asleep, listening to the radio. He seems happy, I won't disturb him.
He does not seem to be in much pain, a lot of the time. I attribute that to the prescription. But other days he is in agonizing pain for days on end. I asked the pain doctor about that "He had a really bad weekend" and pain doc said "He has extensive arthritis in his back, it probably flared with the bad weather we had this weekend".
Happily not much rain due in the next couple weeks. I would love to put Ron on a diet for inflammation - keto or something. But he wouldn't eat it. He wants chicken strips, fried chicken, Specialty chicken from Dominoes, etc. He wants chips. He wants popcorn. All of which are probably contributing to his back.
He doesn't have much joy in life (aside from Baby Girl) and he gets a little from food. I don't think he would enjoy, or be compliant, with a restrictive diet. But I could be wrong, I will ask him when he's awake.
I need to figure out what I am doing today. I am waiting for the Kratom people to call me and process the transaction. I ordered enough to last him for a while. As I hoped, I think he will only use it on Really Bad Days which is better all around. That should help it last forever. He only needed about 6 capsules a day at the worst of it. Suggested dose is up to 14 so well in bounds. I suspect he has a pretty high pain tolerance. I remember he had open heart surgery after the accident, they cracked his chest like a walnut, hauled it open, did the graft (he had an artery injury that needed repair), closed him up with wires, then stapled the skin on top of that.
They took the staples out after 2 weeks, he has a hell of a scar that scares the crap out of medical professionals. His sternum (breastbone) was still healing,and the ribs, when he came home. And his cat at the time, Shadow, loved to get on his chest and sit, all dozen pounds of her, on the healing. I always asked him if it bothered him, or the ribs, and he always said no and would pet her. [she later died of breast cancer]
So I have to think he has a pretty high pain tolerance. Most patients scoff at his pain med, much less the dose. But most days it works for him. So I am not surprised that a low dose of kratom has been so helpful for him. That makes it all around easy. And affordable - to treat his pain.
And he can always go up on those exceptionally horrible days. So far though we have just had Really Bad Days - that's where he used up his pain medication, taking extra on those days, and I couldn't blame him, looking on. It was clear he was in exceptional pain.
So, no pain today. Yay! Not enough to mention at any rate.
Ron was hit by a truck. His lower leg was broken in 3 pieces. His ribs were broken, his vertebra were actually pushed sideways in his back. Since then: severe arthritis everywhere (still wish he'd do an anti-inflammatory diet). So pain is understandable. I didn't even mention the head injury - his head was BOUNCED off the pavement with 3 kinds of brain damage but he never has a headache. Ever. I find that one so interesting, I am all headaches.
I think I'm going to go ahead and do my workout, then shower. I have some really good, caramel, low sugar protein shakes I really enjoy. I will have one of those with my pills after my shower.
I did up all my pills yesterday, it took a while but I got them. Now I am good for 2 weeks. I store them in a safer place because Ron has gone near my former storage area on a few occasions when very drunk, fumbling around.
The last thing I want is 2 weeks' of medication all over the floor.
Tuesday, June 25, 2019
Tuesday evening
I notice I have more energy when I work out. Normally up at 5, still up well after 6 PM, no nap, I'd be exhausted. But I'm not, and I'm not manic either.
Our driver picked us up over half an hour late to go to the pain doctor, and was not good. On the plus side he did do a good job of tying down the wheelchair, and the cab was relatively clean, but not a good or easy ride.
Doc saw us. Apparently Ron has a remarkable amount of arthritis in his back. I'm not surprised. Doc also said save our money on acupuncture. So much for that.
We left, an hour before our pickup time. Ron's back was hurting him and he did not want to sit in his wheelchair an additional hour, and then God knows how long a ride home. So he called a cab. It was not cheap (less than a steak dinner but more than a hamburger dinner) but we both felt it was worth it. We had a really nice African guy with an Uncle Sam bobblehead on his dashboard. He was a very good driver.
We got home about our pickup time. Ron of course called to cancel that ride. We got a penalty mark but to my understanding we only have the 2 now.
The cats were happy to see us. Ron had been curled up in bed with Baby Girl before we left. She played "hard to pet" when he got home, though. I fed everyone and they seem happy.
I plan to go to bed pretty early. I haven't been very hungry today (a nice change from when I was low carb and working out, always starving!), so when I get an appetite I will heat up my leftover cheese bread from last night and eat that. I need to do up my pills tonight so I may do that first, then eat.
I am just now getting tired.
Our driver picked us up over half an hour late to go to the pain doctor, and was not good. On the plus side he did do a good job of tying down the wheelchair, and the cab was relatively clean, but not a good or easy ride.
Doc saw us. Apparently Ron has a remarkable amount of arthritis in his back. I'm not surprised. Doc also said save our money on acupuncture. So much for that.
We left, an hour before our pickup time. Ron's back was hurting him and he did not want to sit in his wheelchair an additional hour, and then God knows how long a ride home. So he called a cab. It was not cheap (less than a steak dinner but more than a hamburger dinner) but we both felt it was worth it. We had a really nice African guy with an Uncle Sam bobblehead on his dashboard. He was a very good driver.
We got home about our pickup time. Ron of course called to cancel that ride. We got a penalty mark but to my understanding we only have the 2 now.
The cats were happy to see us. Ron had been curled up in bed with Baby Girl before we left. She played "hard to pet" when he got home, though. I fed everyone and they seem happy.
I plan to go to bed pretty early. I haven't been very hungry today (a nice change from when I was low carb and working out, always starving!), so when I get an appetite I will heat up my leftover cheese bread from last night and eat that. I need to do up my pills tonight so I may do that first, then eat.
I am just now getting tired.
Tuesday morning
Yesterday I found Ron "lost" passed out in his wheelchair. I put the seatbelt on him and took him to bed, left him next to it. He got himself into bed when he felt better without any problems.
I slept pretty well last night and got up around 5. On my day off! Well, sort of, I have to take Ron to the doctor. But I got up, found Ron passed out in his wheelchair, put the belt on, and took him to bed. I did my usual routine, scrubbed the headache by drinking 2 diet Mountain Dews, got dressed in my exercise gear, did some time on the bike, and then went to kettlebells. I did six half get ups, it was work, but I didn't feel like I'd burst a vessel doing it. I had a pretty good workout. It is harder to get motivated during a depression but I did a decent job. Most importantly, I was safe.
I finished up, came in, found Ron had gotten himself to bed (if he can figure out and unfasten the seatbelt he is probably in good shape to move to bed), and took my shower after checking on him.
I hung up my workout clothes and found a mess in my bedroom. Torbie got up on the top shelf of my closet. I have a large plastic bag of smaller sized underwear in it. She knocked that down which hit my current sized underwear, and the whole clothes basket fell over. I cleaned up the mess but I didn't yell at her. She is just being a cat, going up high, and knocking things over.
I watched some TV for a while, got on the computer for a while after that, kind of flipping back and forth. I have to get Ron ready for his doctor visit soon In about 20 minutes the hydration will begin.
Although I don't think they need a sample, this month.
Then I have to dress him. That's not hard. He hangs up his clothes on a chair, I just need to change his t-shirt, he has a tremendous amount of trouble with shirts. He does NOT want a button down, I have asked repeatedly. He wants a t-shirt and help with it. I can do that and I am happy to. I think it is no different than asking him to help me scratch my back
Ron woke up, it took him a while. Then he couldn't find his phone. So we played a rousing game of "Where is Ron's cell phone?" Happily he left it on so we found it in about 5 minutes. Baby Girl got up on Ron once she saw he was awake (having had first and second breakfast, and some treats from me - her true love is Ron). You might think I would feel sad or resentful, but I don't.
I am "full" of love, I get enough attention from the cats. I don't need more. What I have is plenty. I do suspect Baby Girl will become far more affectionate with me when Torbie's gone and not around to bully BG away from me.
I started Ron on his hydration. We have a while, though, before the pickup. We are unfortunately supposed to get some interesting weather about the time we head home, though, so I will need to bring the poncho and umbrellas.
Hopefully it is a boring trip. I am hoping I remember to ask about the acupuncture.
I slept pretty well last night and got up around 5. On my day off! Well, sort of, I have to take Ron to the doctor. But I got up, found Ron passed out in his wheelchair, put the belt on, and took him to bed. I did my usual routine, scrubbed the headache by drinking 2 diet Mountain Dews, got dressed in my exercise gear, did some time on the bike, and then went to kettlebells. I did six half get ups, it was work, but I didn't feel like I'd burst a vessel doing it. I had a pretty good workout. It is harder to get motivated during a depression but I did a decent job. Most importantly, I was safe.
I finished up, came in, found Ron had gotten himself to bed (if he can figure out and unfasten the seatbelt he is probably in good shape to move to bed), and took my shower after checking on him.
I hung up my workout clothes and found a mess in my bedroom. Torbie got up on the top shelf of my closet. I have a large plastic bag of smaller sized underwear in it. She knocked that down which hit my current sized underwear, and the whole clothes basket fell over. I cleaned up the mess but I didn't yell at her. She is just being a cat, going up high, and knocking things over.
I watched some TV for a while, got on the computer for a while after that, kind of flipping back and forth. I have to get Ron ready for his doctor visit soon In about 20 minutes the hydration will begin.
Although I don't think they need a sample, this month.
Then I have to dress him. That's not hard. He hangs up his clothes on a chair, I just need to change his t-shirt, he has a tremendous amount of trouble with shirts. He does NOT want a button down, I have asked repeatedly. He wants a t-shirt and help with it. I can do that and I am happy to. I think it is no different than asking him to help me scratch my back
Ron woke up, it took him a while. Then he couldn't find his phone. So we played a rousing game of "Where is Ron's cell phone?" Happily he left it on so we found it in about 5 minutes. Baby Girl got up on Ron once she saw he was awake (having had first and second breakfast, and some treats from me - her true love is Ron). You might think I would feel sad or resentful, but I don't.
I am "full" of love, I get enough attention from the cats. I don't need more. What I have is plenty. I do suspect Baby Girl will become far more affectionate with me when Torbie's gone and not around to bully BG away from me.
I started Ron on his hydration. We have a while, though, before the pickup. We are unfortunately supposed to get some interesting weather about the time we head home, though, so I will need to bring the poncho and umbrellas.
Hopefully it is a boring trip. I am hoping I remember to ask about the acupuncture.
Monday, June 24, 2019
Monday morning and some of the afternoon
I am trying to be most positive and an upbeat person.
Ron is calling...
OK. I am working at being more positive and seeing good in challenging things. I think that is a better and healthier outlook.
I slept OK but woke up exhausted and skipped my workout due to a nasty headache. I was due to start my cycle today as well. I always get a bad headache (not a migraine, just a nasty one) the day I start my cycle. Not much fun but that's the way it goes these days.
My birth mother did not hit menopause until well into her 50's, so I could have a while yet. That will, I tell myself, give me time to lose weight because everyone says it is harder after menopause.
So I took precautions today. And did not work out due to the headache.
Ron was in a heart wrenching amount of pain. It was absolutely horrible to watch. Whatever he has done to me, he pays for it days like today. He was in constant pain with periodic spikes that had him jerking his leg and screaming with pain, like someone had a voodoo doll. It was just wearing to watch, and heartbreaking because I do love him.
Our ride was late. She had 2 other clients in the vehicle. One was an obese lady who must have had a very important bag because it got it's own seat. It was apparent Ron would have to ride in the wheelchair compartment. I sat in the back seat, behind the driver.
I try to view the positive in things; so, we got there alive. We did not get in any accidents. We got there fairly quickly.
[Baby Girl was running around the house meowing like a crazy animal, I had to give her and Torbie treats]
So, it was a technical good ride. BUT she had a huge duffel bag full of crap, took each item out individually, played with it, taking her eyes off the road to look at it, hand off the steering wheel to manipulate it, playing with her hair, putting it down, putting it up, taking her focus off the road to do this. Hey, let's put a visor on! Let's take a snack out, eat it while driving, and throw the wrapper out the window at 80 mph. She would veer into other lanes. I think she had ADHD because she simply could not focus on driving.
I kept thinking "If I call in on her and ask them to review the video, they will fire her!" Then we get to work and she wants to get on "I just want the hours". I had to tell her, at the starting job sometimes you work many hours, sometimes very few. The hours are not consistent and it is brutal work. She blew me off. She was such a poor driver I didn't want her in the employee parking lot so I had her pull into the handicapped spot in visitor parking and let us out there.
SO glad to get out, I almost kissed the ground. Like I said, I did try to find some positive in the ride. I am still able to walk and type, after all.
Work wasn't bad, the actual tasks. Ron kept screaming in agony now and then and was CLEARLY in a lot of pain, very hard to watch. If I believed in that stuff I would say I'm an empath.
I did keep him pretty busy, I was very proud of us. The first machine had a dime stuck in the mechanism. We had to disassemble it, turn it upside down, shake it out, remount it, then reload it. Between the two of us, we did it. It was funny, we kept giving each other credit. Now all our customers will get their dime back on their transaction.
At one point, holding the dismounted cassette, I told Ron "I hope sandwiches don't call right now". They didn't.
Turns out this morning's rain was enough to flood the streets by their office so they were very late getting to us today.
The pain doctor rescheduled for tomorrow.
Ron continued to have a rough time of it but I got all my work done. I added some protein shakes to the food machine, it is a nice shelf stable item that is really good quality and flavor, a pretty good price. If nothing else it fills the machine.
We finished up and headed out, a break in the rain. Ron is continual pain. The driver was a little late but he is a nice guy with his own back problems.
I got Ron home. And I gave him some Kratom.
I bought it a while ago and have given him a few doses, he has had no problems taking it and VERY good results. He did, however, want to "stack" it with copious amounts of vodka but was very well behaved. 4 hours later he says he is in NO pain.
Good stuff. I did my research before I got it for him. It's a tree leaf from Asia, they take the veins off and dry it, put it on capsules (Ron's). Take up to 8 a day. Totally legal in Texas.
I first heard about it on a health and fitness message board, a lot of wounded veterans were taking it to the extent they had KILOS of the stuff on hand. I did my research. I don't think I should take it with the mental illness but it sure seems to work for Ron.
And that's exactly why I got it, for those days like today when he is practically sobbing and I could say "Here, take this" and the pain is gone. Likely I will be getting more.
I also plan to get him some acupuncture. I think various modalities can help. His energy channels are "disturbed" to say the least and it might be just the ticket. It is a HELL of a lot safer and cheaper than surgery. We live pretty much in a mixed partially Asian neighborhood so some acupuncturists nearby.
Heck, I'll even pay for the first treatment. And Ron has responded well to all this, he was willing - desperate - the first time he took the Kratom but it worked for him AND he slept great. He has a lot of issues with sleep. Hopefully between that and the needles we can ease the worst of this.
I would love to see Ron walking around again but I doubt that will ever happen, BUT we can make him comfortable in the wheelchair. NOT sorry, the only option we were given was extensive surgery.
I took a nap, slept with Biscuit and Torbie. We had a good time, they are very sweet and cuddly. I love them so.
I woke up with another (same?) headache but some caffeine took care of most of it. Probably still not working out today.
I used to be offended Baby Girl never slept with me but recently I saw Torbie beat the stuffing out of her for going in my room. So I think Torbie is keeping her away. Torbie is fairly possessive.
I talked to Ron recently and we agreed no more cats if/when Torbie dies. Baby Girl would be quite upset. We might be able to foster a couple of kittens if we shut the door but Ron would want to keep them all.
If we lived in the country! We would have quite the crew! Three legged dogs, blind cats, etc.
So I am feeling better now, I found something that works (at least some of the time) on his worst pain, that is a huge load off me. You can't imagine how awful it is to hear a loved one suffering and you can do NOTHING to stop it.
Well, I got out my debit card... and he isn't hurting. Not sorry.
Ron is calling...
OK. I am working at being more positive and seeing good in challenging things. I think that is a better and healthier outlook.
I slept OK but woke up exhausted and skipped my workout due to a nasty headache. I was due to start my cycle today as well. I always get a bad headache (not a migraine, just a nasty one) the day I start my cycle. Not much fun but that's the way it goes these days.
My birth mother did not hit menopause until well into her 50's, so I could have a while yet. That will, I tell myself, give me time to lose weight because everyone says it is harder after menopause.
So I took precautions today. And did not work out due to the headache.
Ron was in a heart wrenching amount of pain. It was absolutely horrible to watch. Whatever he has done to me, he pays for it days like today. He was in constant pain with periodic spikes that had him jerking his leg and screaming with pain, like someone had a voodoo doll. It was just wearing to watch, and heartbreaking because I do love him.
Our ride was late. She had 2 other clients in the vehicle. One was an obese lady who must have had a very important bag because it got it's own seat. It was apparent Ron would have to ride in the wheelchair compartment. I sat in the back seat, behind the driver.
I try to view the positive in things; so, we got there alive. We did not get in any accidents. We got there fairly quickly.
[Baby Girl was running around the house meowing like a crazy animal, I had to give her and Torbie treats]
So, it was a technical good ride. BUT she had a huge duffel bag full of crap, took each item out individually, played with it, taking her eyes off the road to look at it, hand off the steering wheel to manipulate it, playing with her hair, putting it down, putting it up, taking her focus off the road to do this. Hey, let's put a visor on! Let's take a snack out, eat it while driving, and throw the wrapper out the window at 80 mph. She would veer into other lanes. I think she had ADHD because she simply could not focus on driving.
I kept thinking "If I call in on her and ask them to review the video, they will fire her!" Then we get to work and she wants to get on "I just want the hours". I had to tell her, at the starting job sometimes you work many hours, sometimes very few. The hours are not consistent and it is brutal work. She blew me off. She was such a poor driver I didn't want her in the employee parking lot so I had her pull into the handicapped spot in visitor parking and let us out there.
SO glad to get out, I almost kissed the ground. Like I said, I did try to find some positive in the ride. I am still able to walk and type, after all.
Work wasn't bad, the actual tasks. Ron kept screaming in agony now and then and was CLEARLY in a lot of pain, very hard to watch. If I believed in that stuff I would say I'm an empath.
I did keep him pretty busy, I was very proud of us. The first machine had a dime stuck in the mechanism. We had to disassemble it, turn it upside down, shake it out, remount it, then reload it. Between the two of us, we did it. It was funny, we kept giving each other credit. Now all our customers will get their dime back on their transaction.
At one point, holding the dismounted cassette, I told Ron "I hope sandwiches don't call right now". They didn't.
Turns out this morning's rain was enough to flood the streets by their office so they were very late getting to us today.
The pain doctor rescheduled for tomorrow.
Ron continued to have a rough time of it but I got all my work done. I added some protein shakes to the food machine, it is a nice shelf stable item that is really good quality and flavor, a pretty good price. If nothing else it fills the machine.
We finished up and headed out, a break in the rain. Ron is continual pain. The driver was a little late but he is a nice guy with his own back problems.
I got Ron home. And I gave him some Kratom.
I bought it a while ago and have given him a few doses, he has had no problems taking it and VERY good results. He did, however, want to "stack" it with copious amounts of vodka but was very well behaved. 4 hours later he says he is in NO pain.
Good stuff. I did my research before I got it for him. It's a tree leaf from Asia, they take the veins off and dry it, put it on capsules (Ron's). Take up to 8 a day. Totally legal in Texas.
I first heard about it on a health and fitness message board, a lot of wounded veterans were taking it to the extent they had KILOS of the stuff on hand. I did my research. I don't think I should take it with the mental illness but it sure seems to work for Ron.
And that's exactly why I got it, for those days like today when he is practically sobbing and I could say "Here, take this" and the pain is gone. Likely I will be getting more.
I also plan to get him some acupuncture. I think various modalities can help. His energy channels are "disturbed" to say the least and it might be just the ticket. It is a HELL of a lot safer and cheaper than surgery. We live pretty much in a mixed partially Asian neighborhood so some acupuncturists nearby.
Heck, I'll even pay for the first treatment. And Ron has responded well to all this, he was willing - desperate - the first time he took the Kratom but it worked for him AND he slept great. He has a lot of issues with sleep. Hopefully between that and the needles we can ease the worst of this.
I would love to see Ron walking around again but I doubt that will ever happen, BUT we can make him comfortable in the wheelchair. NOT sorry, the only option we were given was extensive surgery.
I took a nap, slept with Biscuit and Torbie. We had a good time, they are very sweet and cuddly. I love them so.
I woke up with another (same?) headache but some caffeine took care of most of it. Probably still not working out today.
I used to be offended Baby Girl never slept with me but recently I saw Torbie beat the stuffing out of her for going in my room. So I think Torbie is keeping her away. Torbie is fairly possessive.
I talked to Ron recently and we agreed no more cats if/when Torbie dies. Baby Girl would be quite upset. We might be able to foster a couple of kittens if we shut the door but Ron would want to keep them all.
If we lived in the country! We would have quite the crew! Three legged dogs, blind cats, etc.
So I am feeling better now, I found something that works (at least some of the time) on his worst pain, that is a huge load off me. You can't imagine how awful it is to hear a loved one suffering and you can do NOTHING to stop it.
Well, I got out my debit card... and he isn't hurting. Not sorry.
Sunday, June 23, 2019
A busy day
It was a busy day.
I opted NOT to do my workout first thing, and got ready, got Ron ready. Ron "found" his wedding ring, was utterly thrilled, and put it on even though it's too tight. He was so proud of it, it was cute.
We went to the warehouse. It was pretty hectic. I managed to get everything we needed, I did not get ALL of it, just "enough" on snacks and "plenty" on drinks. Our driver was right on time, it worked great.
We had not one but TWO guys show up to help us. I think our reputations at tippers proceeded us. We were off in minutes and went to work. We didn't have any problems getting Ron in or out of the vehicle. I put Ron in our work area and brought out the carts, we worked well together loading them. He gave the right amount of help, not too much, not too little. It went very well.
NOW we have a good inventory. Then I went inside, had to put it all away, help Ron, etc. We did everything we needed and left.
Our driver was a little late, and Ron had to ride in the back, but the driver was very nice and a guy we both like. We literally talked about chicken feed on the way to our destination.
There was a bad wreck, the second we have encountered in a week. It took a while getting around it.
We dropped off the other client and then a bit of a drive to our location. We got there and it was very busy. I was happy for the employees.
Ron didn't want much food. I got him two shrimp, one rib, and a tiny smoked chicken drumstick. It was "too much" he said after he finished it. The owner and the manager came by and said hello.
I suspect Ron is becoming a sort of mascot.
Then the ride home, I saw a paratransit vehicle a few minutes before our pickup time, so we went out. I saw a paratransit cab pass us up and go too far down the road. I waited for it to come back. It never did.
Ron called about 15 minutes past our pickup time. "The driver is there". "He may have 'arrived' it" I replied "But he's not here, we are standing out front". A minute later guess who comes creeping around the corner?
Then he forced us to listen to an NPR podcast on the way home, thank God the ride is short and we were a direct trip. I was happy to get out of the vehicle, the man could NOT stay in one lane and it felt very unsafe riding with him. I hope we don't see him again.
My pants were extremely baggy today, so I took them off when I got home and got out my "smaller sizes" box. Short story, a couple of them worked very well. I was pleased.
Some didn't, and went back on the shelf, but the too-baggy pants got hung up in an unused part of the closet. Then of course I had to do a load of laundry because I had "new" pants. I shoveled everything in there and got it going, rounded up some Ron clothes as well. They should be done in around 20 minutes.
I plan to do kettlebells shortly. I would rather do them late than not do them at all.
But I'm tired. I got a lot done today and got all my activity points, for one - and my tracker has me up to 75! I always do so much running around at work it is insane. But a good workout.
The woman working for the other vendor quit - I wonder if in part due to all the activity required. It is a very physical job.
I'm going to go drink another cold diet caffeine free soda before I think about my workout.
Edit, I did a compromise, 20 minutes on the exercise bike. Not sure what I am doing for a workout tomorrow.
I opted NOT to do my workout first thing, and got ready, got Ron ready. Ron "found" his wedding ring, was utterly thrilled, and put it on even though it's too tight. He was so proud of it, it was cute.
We went to the warehouse. It was pretty hectic. I managed to get everything we needed, I did not get ALL of it, just "enough" on snacks and "plenty" on drinks. Our driver was right on time, it worked great.
We had not one but TWO guys show up to help us. I think our reputations at tippers proceeded us. We were off in minutes and went to work. We didn't have any problems getting Ron in or out of the vehicle. I put Ron in our work area and brought out the carts, we worked well together loading them. He gave the right amount of help, not too much, not too little. It went very well.
NOW we have a good inventory. Then I went inside, had to put it all away, help Ron, etc. We did everything we needed and left.
Our driver was a little late, and Ron had to ride in the back, but the driver was very nice and a guy we both like. We literally talked about chicken feed on the way to our destination.
There was a bad wreck, the second we have encountered in a week. It took a while getting around it.
We dropped off the other client and then a bit of a drive to our location. We got there and it was very busy. I was happy for the employees.
Ron didn't want much food. I got him two shrimp, one rib, and a tiny smoked chicken drumstick. It was "too much" he said after he finished it. The owner and the manager came by and said hello.
I suspect Ron is becoming a sort of mascot.
Then the ride home, I saw a paratransit vehicle a few minutes before our pickup time, so we went out. I saw a paratransit cab pass us up and go too far down the road. I waited for it to come back. It never did.
Ron called about 15 minutes past our pickup time. "The driver is there". "He may have 'arrived' it" I replied "But he's not here, we are standing out front". A minute later guess who comes creeping around the corner?
Then he forced us to listen to an NPR podcast on the way home, thank God the ride is short and we were a direct trip. I was happy to get out of the vehicle, the man could NOT stay in one lane and it felt very unsafe riding with him. I hope we don't see him again.
My pants were extremely baggy today, so I took them off when I got home and got out my "smaller sizes" box. Short story, a couple of them worked very well. I was pleased.
Some didn't, and went back on the shelf, but the too-baggy pants got hung up in an unused part of the closet. Then of course I had to do a load of laundry because I had "new" pants. I shoveled everything in there and got it going, rounded up some Ron clothes as well. They should be done in around 20 minutes.
I plan to do kettlebells shortly. I would rather do them late than not do them at all.
But I'm tired. I got a lot done today and got all my activity points, for one - and my tracker has me up to 75! I always do so much running around at work it is insane. But a good workout.
The woman working for the other vendor quit - I wonder if in part due to all the activity required. It is a very physical job.
I'm going to go drink another cold diet caffeine free soda before I think about my workout.
Edit, I did a compromise, 20 minutes on the exercise bike. Not sure what I am doing for a workout tomorrow.
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Saturday
Where did I leave off? Let me go look.
Well, I took a shower but I couldn't get him to take a bath. We went to the bank.
A woman came up to the door behind us as Ron struggled to open it. I cannot open this door while I am pushing the wheelchair, either Ron has to get it or someone else. She was obese and short. She just stood there watching Ron battle the door until he got it open. He held it for me, I was getting ready to let it SLAM IN HER FACE and she grabbed it and pushed through.
I said " Thanks for helping, bitch" and stormed off, shoving the wheelchair angrily. I was ticked. That is one hot button of mine, people who just gape at the show without helping and then try to benefit from it.
NOT sorry I said it. It was not Christian but I am a human being, and she was able bodied enough to grab the door and hold it open for herself. It used to be you could count on certain cultures to help people with disabilities, but it's like they get here and have their heart removed, coldly turning their backs on even the smallest acts of kindness.
They are kindless. I am mad again just writing about it.
Pretty soon it will be her in the wheelchair trying to get the door open, especially if she keeps eating like that. She was not a young woman, either, older than me, not as old as Ron.
We bypassed the very long line and went to the business line. A woman trying to stand in both lines had to move to "let" us park. Then while waiting one guy questioned if we were a real business and a manager got a very pissy attitude asking me to move. Look, jerk, I'm not the one who remodeled the bank so you have to cut the line to get into the offices. He shoved through and took some guy to his safe deposit box.
Ugh. Not a good banking experience. Then we get to the window. Here is what we do. At home, we count all the money from the business and separate it out into 100 packs of $1 bills. We turn those over to the teller. The teller runs them on the counting machine and verifies the total. She did this, but very slowly, stopping frequently to gossip with her co workers.
This time she demanded we "swipe" the business card. They never do this because we trade the $1 bills for $20 bills. Occasionally we make a deposit but we always have the slip. She was very insistent we HAD to do it and even said "So we can track you" which really inflamed my paranoid side.
Just really invasive. It is not your business to know how much cash we generated. It is your job to trade $1 bills for $20. In fact, we have been told they count on us bringing it in.
Ugh. Getting mad again, not healthy.
So we finally finished up. Ron called the cab. Then we spoke to the manager about the fact that the door is broken and almost impossible for him to open. "And people are ASSHOLES" I said loudly "AND NO ONE WILL HELP" knowing that woman was still in line. He looked at it and said he would write up a work order and we left.
Ron got in the cab much easier this time, we went through a drive through and got drinks. I was super thirsty. I got a large diet coke and he got a regular.
We went home. He called the other driver about tomorrow and arranged it. Here's to hoping it works out. I will have to get up pretty early to work out but I'm OK with that.
I ate a snack and took a nap. I woke up with a headache. Ron was awake and in the kitchen drinking, but not much based on his behavior. I talked him into letting me shave him.
I was going to have him put on some pants and then do it in the front yard, but it started raining, so we decided to do it in the garage with him in his underwear, me no bra, with the door down. It was pretty warm but very easy to set up since I "finished" the garage.
I had everything set up in about 2 minutes. I brought Ron out and tried to shave him, but his beard was too long. So I got the scissors and trimmed him down to about an inch, then used the clippers. It is cute to see how Ron is always afraid I am going to screw it up. I trimmed him down to about half an inch, he was happy.
He has psoriasis so it can't be too short, or it gets "mad" and he has a really bad flare. Half an inch seems to be key.
He looked good when I finished. He felt it and approved, then I took him back in the house and put up the razor and scissors. I tried to get him to take a bath but he said no. I did try.
He went back to bed. I got on the computer. I am not working out today, off day. I plan to eat a lot of protein today for recovery. I am already up to 35 grams. I also plan to go to bed early after I call my parents.
It was odd going out in the garage and not working out. I felt like I should be doing kettlebells. I swept it up really good so I won't have dirt on the floor tomorrow.
I do kettlebells barefoot, that was one consistent thing I heard from all the books I read (about 4) on the subject.
I will check the mail in about an hour, see if we got anything fun. We paid all the bills so shouldn't find any. I have to clean the litter box but that's it for chores today.
We could lose power, with thunderstorms, so I won't run any laundry. I hear bad things happen to the new washers if you lose power in the middle of a cycle.
And everything I read on the internet is true! ;p
Well, I took a shower but I couldn't get him to take a bath. We went to the bank.
A woman came up to the door behind us as Ron struggled to open it. I cannot open this door while I am pushing the wheelchair, either Ron has to get it or someone else. She was obese and short. She just stood there watching Ron battle the door until he got it open. He held it for me, I was getting ready to let it SLAM IN HER FACE and she grabbed it and pushed through.
I said " Thanks for helping, bitch" and stormed off, shoving the wheelchair angrily. I was ticked. That is one hot button of mine, people who just gape at the show without helping and then try to benefit from it.
NOT sorry I said it. It was not Christian but I am a human being, and she was able bodied enough to grab the door and hold it open for herself. It used to be you could count on certain cultures to help people with disabilities, but it's like they get here and have their heart removed, coldly turning their backs on even the smallest acts of kindness.
They are kindless. I am mad again just writing about it.
Pretty soon it will be her in the wheelchair trying to get the door open, especially if she keeps eating like that. She was not a young woman, either, older than me, not as old as Ron.
We bypassed the very long line and went to the business line. A woman trying to stand in both lines had to move to "let" us park. Then while waiting one guy questioned if we were a real business and a manager got a very pissy attitude asking me to move. Look, jerk, I'm not the one who remodeled the bank so you have to cut the line to get into the offices. He shoved through and took some guy to his safe deposit box.
Ugh. Not a good banking experience. Then we get to the window. Here is what we do. At home, we count all the money from the business and separate it out into 100 packs of $1 bills. We turn those over to the teller. The teller runs them on the counting machine and verifies the total. She did this, but very slowly, stopping frequently to gossip with her co workers.
This time she demanded we "swipe" the business card. They never do this because we trade the $1 bills for $20 bills. Occasionally we make a deposit but we always have the slip. She was very insistent we HAD to do it and even said "So we can track you" which really inflamed my paranoid side.
Just really invasive. It is not your business to know how much cash we generated. It is your job to trade $1 bills for $20. In fact, we have been told they count on us bringing it in.
Ugh. Getting mad again, not healthy.
So we finally finished up. Ron called the cab. Then we spoke to the manager about the fact that the door is broken and almost impossible for him to open. "And people are ASSHOLES" I said loudly "AND NO ONE WILL HELP" knowing that woman was still in line. He looked at it and said he would write up a work order and we left.
Ron got in the cab much easier this time, we went through a drive through and got drinks. I was super thirsty. I got a large diet coke and he got a regular.
We went home. He called the other driver about tomorrow and arranged it. Here's to hoping it works out. I will have to get up pretty early to work out but I'm OK with that.
I ate a snack and took a nap. I woke up with a headache. Ron was awake and in the kitchen drinking, but not much based on his behavior. I talked him into letting me shave him.
I was going to have him put on some pants and then do it in the front yard, but it started raining, so we decided to do it in the garage with him in his underwear, me no bra, with the door down. It was pretty warm but very easy to set up since I "finished" the garage.
I had everything set up in about 2 minutes. I brought Ron out and tried to shave him, but his beard was too long. So I got the scissors and trimmed him down to about an inch, then used the clippers. It is cute to see how Ron is always afraid I am going to screw it up. I trimmed him down to about half an inch, he was happy.
He has psoriasis so it can't be too short, or it gets "mad" and he has a really bad flare. Half an inch seems to be key.
He looked good when I finished. He felt it and approved, then I took him back in the house and put up the razor and scissors. I tried to get him to take a bath but he said no. I did try.
He went back to bed. I got on the computer. I am not working out today, off day. I plan to eat a lot of protein today for recovery. I am already up to 35 grams. I also plan to go to bed early after I call my parents.
It was odd going out in the garage and not working out. I felt like I should be doing kettlebells. I swept it up really good so I won't have dirt on the floor tomorrow.
I do kettlebells barefoot, that was one consistent thing I heard from all the books I read (about 4) on the subject.
I will check the mail in about an hour, see if we got anything fun. We paid all the bills so shouldn't find any. I have to clean the litter box but that's it for chores today.
We could lose power, with thunderstorms, so I won't run any laundry. I hear bad things happen to the new washers if you lose power in the middle of a cycle.
And everything I read on the internet is true! ;p
Depression food
I was thinking I tend to reach for the same foods when I am depressed, and I am pretty sick of them. Especially when I am already depressed.
Chicken nuggets - done the hell out of those
Pizza. Most days the word pizza makes me gag.
Cereal. I never eat the sugary "kids stuff" but standard cereal is just as bad. I am odd in that I like to eat it soggy but most days I do not like it at any texture.
Ice cream. I usually only eat it when I am depressed so I think depression most days when I think about it.
Spaghettios.
If you know depression you understand the utter lack of drive and motivation to prepare food. I want something quick that someone else cooked, or a can/package I can open and just eat "offa" that.
It is sad. They are good foods and deserve more than to be relegated to my "depressed and need to take my pills" list.
Chicken nuggets - done the hell out of those
Pizza. Most days the word pizza makes me gag.
Cereal. I never eat the sugary "kids stuff" but standard cereal is just as bad. I am odd in that I like to eat it soggy but most days I do not like it at any texture.
Ice cream. I usually only eat it when I am depressed so I think depression most days when I think about it.
Spaghettios.
If you know depression you understand the utter lack of drive and motivation to prepare food. I want something quick that someone else cooked, or a can/package I can open and just eat "offa" that.
It is sad. They are good foods and deserve more than to be relegated to my "depressed and need to take my pills" list.
Glad to wake up today
I had a horrible nightmare right before I woke up. My Dad was helping me move, I had 3 cat carriers and 2 bags. I got off the bus and to the ticket counter and I only had the bags. I was quite upset.
Really an awful way to start the day. Happily I had Biscuit screaming for breakfast so I knew the cats were OK They all came and ate (Torbie later than most). But I saw them. So that fear is gone, but so many ways things could go wrong and I do lose the cats.
Probably my biggest fear: Ron hurts himself somehow; I am blamed for it and charged. That would be my worst nightmare. That is one reason I do document all his self destructive behavior. I know it may be hard to read but it might save my butt one day.
If something happens to me (injury, etc) I have no one local who could take the cats short or long term. I'm on my own. For now. That is one thing I should look into.
Ron behaved last night. I told him if he didn't, I would make him listen to "I apologize" by Five Finger Death Punch. He was pretty horrified at the prospect, and was "good".
I am taking today off my workouts. I am down a total of 5 pounds since I started working out. It's a good start. Next time you go to the grocery store find the fats section (Crisco, lard, solid fats). Look at one, five, and 20 pounds of fat. It is considerable. I feel a looseness in my clothes even though the loss has been elusive on the tape measure.
I am not doing this for fat loss. To be honest, probably started and maintain it more for the mental health aspect. Lots of good chemicals get released during a workout. A workout rids the body of physical stress. I enjoy seeing improvement with most workouts, like my last strength training workout - I was able to do more get-ups than I had before, and nearly 3x what I did a few weeks ago. I want to get healthy, I have a huge family history of heart disease and I don't forget that.
I don't want to end up like Ron, rotting in a wheelchair, able to do less and less each day because I refuse to fight for my health.
It's a mostly day off, going to the bank and then home. I will likely do a load of laundry and scrub out the tub in the hopes I can get Ron to take a bath this weekend. I will also (if he permits) help him clean out his room. We just need to gt the foot of the bed now, and under his bed. I have a rake outside just itching to get under that bed and yank everything out.
Tomorrow is probably going to be a work day, but first I will do Kettlebells early, then go to the warehouse, get our supplies, go to the shop, stock, etc. come home. That means Monday will be SUPER easy because we would have already stocked.
But Ron needs to talk to the driver first.
And I need to take a shower. Happily I shaved my legs YESTERDAY so I don't need to worry today, I think I will take it easy and use the 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner. I am not badly depressed but it is there.
Ron doesn't understand it takes me days to recover from sleep deprivation, and ongoing sleep deprivation plays hell with my mental health. Maybe he thinks it is easier to "keep" an ill woman, I don't know... but nothing healthy motivating that. And then he sleeps during the day, all day, when I can't.
When Ron dies I am going to be a long time working out my anger at him.
Really an awful way to start the day. Happily I had Biscuit screaming for breakfast so I knew the cats were OK They all came and ate (Torbie later than most). But I saw them. So that fear is gone, but so many ways things could go wrong and I do lose the cats.
Probably my biggest fear: Ron hurts himself somehow; I am blamed for it and charged. That would be my worst nightmare. That is one reason I do document all his self destructive behavior. I know it may be hard to read but it might save my butt one day.
If something happens to me (injury, etc) I have no one local who could take the cats short or long term. I'm on my own. For now. That is one thing I should look into.
Ron behaved last night. I told him if he didn't, I would make him listen to "I apologize" by Five Finger Death Punch. He was pretty horrified at the prospect, and was "good".
I am taking today off my workouts. I am down a total of 5 pounds since I started working out. It's a good start. Next time you go to the grocery store find the fats section (Crisco, lard, solid fats). Look at one, five, and 20 pounds of fat. It is considerable. I feel a looseness in my clothes even though the loss has been elusive on the tape measure.
I am not doing this for fat loss. To be honest, probably started and maintain it more for the mental health aspect. Lots of good chemicals get released during a workout. A workout rids the body of physical stress. I enjoy seeing improvement with most workouts, like my last strength training workout - I was able to do more get-ups than I had before, and nearly 3x what I did a few weeks ago. I want to get healthy, I have a huge family history of heart disease and I don't forget that.
I don't want to end up like Ron, rotting in a wheelchair, able to do less and less each day because I refuse to fight for my health.
It's a mostly day off, going to the bank and then home. I will likely do a load of laundry and scrub out the tub in the hopes I can get Ron to take a bath this weekend. I will also (if he permits) help him clean out his room. We just need to gt the foot of the bed now, and under his bed. I have a rake outside just itching to get under that bed and yank everything out.
Tomorrow is probably going to be a work day, but first I will do Kettlebells early, then go to the warehouse, get our supplies, go to the shop, stock, etc. come home. That means Monday will be SUPER easy because we would have already stocked.
But Ron needs to talk to the driver first.
And I need to take a shower. Happily I shaved my legs YESTERDAY so I don't need to worry today, I think I will take it easy and use the 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner. I am not badly depressed but it is there.
Ron doesn't understand it takes me days to recover from sleep deprivation, and ongoing sleep deprivation plays hell with my mental health. Maybe he thinks it is easier to "keep" an ill woman, I don't know... but nothing healthy motivating that. And then he sleeps during the day, all day, when I can't.
When Ron dies I am going to be a long time working out my anger at him.
Friday, June 21, 2019
Friday night
Everyone is screaming about "the heat" here but I didn't find it that bad when I took a walk around 5:30. I decided to take a different route and ended up finishing it in 25 minutes. I already had over 8 thousand steps for the day so I called it good.
I drank my Powerade (Zero) even though I felt I didn't really need it. I was still craving salt so I had some pickles. They are store brand "spears" and were pretty good but there was some heat in the jar. I know they sell hot pickles, some of the solution must have gotten in my jar. They were still good, though.
Then I had a very small portion of chips. They were delicious. I have some lasagna in the microwave right now for dinner.
It was pretty good. The Walmart brand is very respectable, I like it. It's not too thick, or too big. A lot of times the "name brand" company gives a huge portion you really shouldn't finish.
Ron has been up and down all night, asking for help cleaning his room, then biting my head off. He "finished" now and is drinking in the kitchen.
I got my pills taken and am getting ready to read for a while and then go to bed. I get to sleep in a little, until 7, tomorrow. That will be nice.
I am just worn out from all the drama and his hysterics today.
I drank my Powerade (Zero) even though I felt I didn't really need it. I was still craving salt so I had some pickles. They are store brand "spears" and were pretty good but there was some heat in the jar. I know they sell hot pickles, some of the solution must have gotten in my jar. They were still good, though.
Then I had a very small portion of chips. They were delicious. I have some lasagna in the microwave right now for dinner.
It was pretty good. The Walmart brand is very respectable, I like it. It's not too thick, or too big. A lot of times the "name brand" company gives a huge portion you really shouldn't finish.
Ron has been up and down all night, asking for help cleaning his room, then biting my head off. He "finished" now and is drinking in the kitchen.
I got my pills taken and am getting ready to read for a while and then go to bed. I get to sleep in a little, until 7, tomorrow. That will be nice.
I am just worn out from all the drama and his hysterics today.
I found his wedding ring today
So this morning he acted like nothing happened. He didn't ask for help getting dressed so I was small enough to "let" him. Later on, at work, he said he didn't smell very good. I told him I had some rubbing alcohol in the stockroom but he said no.
He didn't apologize but was shocked. The driver who is always late is willing to help us with our supply runs AND has a truck with an 8 foot bed - empty. Our helpers, many of them, have a very bad habit of wanting to put a bunch of crap in the vehicle and then add our stuff to it. It has made for some tight situations. So an empty truck would be great.
Ron was shocked this guy wanted to help us - and Ron has been AWFUL to this man. He didn't believe me until I pushed him outside this morning to find the very man in our driveway, taking us to Sam's Club. We talked on the way and Ron was very interested.
We got to Sam's. They are out of water AGAIN. I am making a big loser "L" right now if you could see me. Out of water for a week? That makes us look SO bad. And the customers won't drink anything else.
But I did get some other things, candy we needed, and some chips. The variety pack chip is always good as that can fill up a snack machine quickly.
We had a good ride to work, I did the usual thing where I help him with ALL his work and then do mine. Ron was rude, unappreciative, and outright abusive at times. He was incredibly toxic and negative. I finally said "It's always a pity party with you, isn't it?" He shut up after that and did apologize, later.
Our ride home was late, and full.
Ron had to ride in the back compartment, an unpleasant ride at best, awful at worst. I didn't feel bad for him. I did leave him under the shade tree while I waited out in the sun, when waiting. I believe in being gracious even when someone is being unspeakable.
We had a long ride. The two women in the back were almost as negative as Ron. One (who could walk) kept going on about the difficulty of grocery shopping. I mentioned how much I love Walmart delivery. She had a very bad reaction to that.
And I am pretty sure they do it with food stamps? I love having people bring my stuff, it is great, saves time and trouble, not to mention lots of money. I have to spend about $40 round trip, or $20 and hours on the bus, to go to Walmart. Why wouldn't I do delivery and sit at home?
But some people only want to complain.
We finally got home. The driver was sick so I got her some stuff to help her out. I hate to see someone suffering, a fact I think Ron uses against me. "You can't hold me accountable, I am a victim!" But that only works so far.
Ron had made a big production out of only having one drink this morning. As soon as he got home he made a beeline for the vodka bottle. So much for that.
I had a snack (a glass of milk, and some Walmart brand Queso chips, so good!), and took a nap after I fed the cats.
I slept 3 hours - catching up I guess. I woke up with a headache but had some mountain dew to help with that. Ron asked for my help, he had lost something in his room. I took a look at the affected area and said I would help, but only with a garbage bag so I could purge all the obvious trash.
He balked at that but I said I was tired of pawing through the same mountain of trash every time he lost something. Lately that has been a couple times a week.
I sat at the head of the bed and went through all the trash between the bed and the window. Most of it was obvious stuff, like used q-tips. I kept piling it in the trash bag. I did have questions about some things but he wouldn't answer me, so I either put them on/in the dresser or threw them out. I found the socks he lost a while back. I found a ton of batteries, no clue if they are good or not. I found a plastic container with a screw on lid.
I opened it (Heather, you FOOL!) and found Ron's wedding ring sitting on top of some flash drives. Ron was being pretty ugly again so I was in NO hurry to give it to him. I asked what he wanted me to do with the flash drives. He snapped at me. I DEFINITELY didn't want to give him the wedding ring. I just put the lid back and put them on top of his dresser.
I got a pretty big bag of trash before Ron threw me out. He was being very helpless and negative. When did Ron become helpless?
Anyway, I said something about the trash, he said something like "It will always be there, don't even try". I said "If you say that, that's what will happen, but if you say (he cut me off at this point but I would have said) it will be cleaned up in a few days it will be" That's when he threw me out.
We need to go to the bank tomorrow and he wouldn't make a trip. When we got to the 10 minutes 'till deadline I reminded him again. "You make the trip". So I did.
He did find the thing he was looking for. I am happy to help him purge out all the obvious trash, and help him find places for the stuff he wants to keep. I am happy to do that. I think I have done a pretty good job with the side of my bed, and the garage, just lately. But I don't want a negative and defeatist attitude - ever -but particularly while I'm working.
I am reading a book about self-talk. Things we tell ourselves. Lately I have been telling myself, "I am strong". I think that is a good thing to say to myself. Ron tells himself all sorts of ugly and defeatist things, then tries to say them to me. I am not allowing that, which angers him to no end.
He wants me to be hopeless and helpless, like himself. If I am hopeless I won't ask him to make things better, improve himself, stop drinking, etc. But that is not who I am and I don't think that's ever been who I am.
I may tolerate certain behaviors because we are married, and he is crippled, but I don't excuse it. I forget which actor said it but TRY damnit.
It makes me realize his mother did a number on him, he is just so helpless now, acts like he has no control over anything, God is a sadist out to get him, and I am "helping Him" according to Ron today at work. Helping God persecute him, not helping Ron, which is in reality exactly what I do.
ALL I do is help him. Even if I went into work (when he wasn't around) and did all the work, he would be utterly lost at home without me. He cannot even get out of the house by himself, much less take out the garbage. I really expected he would realize this and value what I do. Laundry? Shopping? Don't make me laugh.
Everything good he has comes because I give it to him. Why does he treat me so poorly? I will probably never figure it out.
And then every now and then it's "Oh, I love you so much, you will never know how much I love you". RIGHT. A man in love does not commit verbal abuse and drink to blackouts. Actively SEEKING blackouts.
Ugh.
I didn't get my walk this morning, I'm going to go do it now.
He didn't apologize but was shocked. The driver who is always late is willing to help us with our supply runs AND has a truck with an 8 foot bed - empty. Our helpers, many of them, have a very bad habit of wanting to put a bunch of crap in the vehicle and then add our stuff to it. It has made for some tight situations. So an empty truck would be great.
Ron was shocked this guy wanted to help us - and Ron has been AWFUL to this man. He didn't believe me until I pushed him outside this morning to find the very man in our driveway, taking us to Sam's Club. We talked on the way and Ron was very interested.
We got to Sam's. They are out of water AGAIN. I am making a big loser "L" right now if you could see me. Out of water for a week? That makes us look SO bad. And the customers won't drink anything else.
But I did get some other things, candy we needed, and some chips. The variety pack chip is always good as that can fill up a snack machine quickly.
We had a good ride to work, I did the usual thing where I help him with ALL his work and then do mine. Ron was rude, unappreciative, and outright abusive at times. He was incredibly toxic and negative. I finally said "It's always a pity party with you, isn't it?" He shut up after that and did apologize, later.
Our ride home was late, and full.
Ron had to ride in the back compartment, an unpleasant ride at best, awful at worst. I didn't feel bad for him. I did leave him under the shade tree while I waited out in the sun, when waiting. I believe in being gracious even when someone is being unspeakable.
We had a long ride. The two women in the back were almost as negative as Ron. One (who could walk) kept going on about the difficulty of grocery shopping. I mentioned how much I love Walmart delivery. She had a very bad reaction to that.
And I am pretty sure they do it with food stamps? I love having people bring my stuff, it is great, saves time and trouble, not to mention lots of money. I have to spend about $40 round trip, or $20 and hours on the bus, to go to Walmart. Why wouldn't I do delivery and sit at home?
But some people only want to complain.
We finally got home. The driver was sick so I got her some stuff to help her out. I hate to see someone suffering, a fact I think Ron uses against me. "You can't hold me accountable, I am a victim!" But that only works so far.
Ron had made a big production out of only having one drink this morning. As soon as he got home he made a beeline for the vodka bottle. So much for that.
I had a snack (a glass of milk, and some Walmart brand Queso chips, so good!), and took a nap after I fed the cats.
I slept 3 hours - catching up I guess. I woke up with a headache but had some mountain dew to help with that. Ron asked for my help, he had lost something in his room. I took a look at the affected area and said I would help, but only with a garbage bag so I could purge all the obvious trash.
He balked at that but I said I was tired of pawing through the same mountain of trash every time he lost something. Lately that has been a couple times a week.
I sat at the head of the bed and went through all the trash between the bed and the window. Most of it was obvious stuff, like used q-tips. I kept piling it in the trash bag. I did have questions about some things but he wouldn't answer me, so I either put them on/in the dresser or threw them out. I found the socks he lost a while back. I found a ton of batteries, no clue if they are good or not. I found a plastic container with a screw on lid.
I opened it (Heather, you FOOL!) and found Ron's wedding ring sitting on top of some flash drives. Ron was being pretty ugly again so I was in NO hurry to give it to him. I asked what he wanted me to do with the flash drives. He snapped at me. I DEFINITELY didn't want to give him the wedding ring. I just put the lid back and put them on top of his dresser.
I got a pretty big bag of trash before Ron threw me out. He was being very helpless and negative. When did Ron become helpless?
Anyway, I said something about the trash, he said something like "It will always be there, don't even try". I said "If you say that, that's what will happen, but if you say (he cut me off at this point but I would have said) it will be cleaned up in a few days it will be" That's when he threw me out.
We need to go to the bank tomorrow and he wouldn't make a trip. When we got to the 10 minutes 'till deadline I reminded him again. "You make the trip". So I did.
He did find the thing he was looking for. I am happy to help him purge out all the obvious trash, and help him find places for the stuff he wants to keep. I am happy to do that. I think I have done a pretty good job with the side of my bed, and the garage, just lately. But I don't want a negative and defeatist attitude - ever -but particularly while I'm working.
I am reading a book about self-talk. Things we tell ourselves. Lately I have been telling myself, "I am strong". I think that is a good thing to say to myself. Ron tells himself all sorts of ugly and defeatist things, then tries to say them to me. I am not allowing that, which angers him to no end.
He wants me to be hopeless and helpless, like himself. If I am hopeless I won't ask him to make things better, improve himself, stop drinking, etc. But that is not who I am and I don't think that's ever been who I am.
I may tolerate certain behaviors because we are married, and he is crippled, but I don't excuse it. I forget which actor said it but TRY damnit.
It makes me realize his mother did a number on him, he is just so helpless now, acts like he has no control over anything, God is a sadist out to get him, and I am "helping Him" according to Ron today at work. Helping God persecute him, not helping Ron, which is in reality exactly what I do.
ALL I do is help him. Even if I went into work (when he wasn't around) and did all the work, he would be utterly lost at home without me. He cannot even get out of the house by himself, much less take out the garbage. I really expected he would realize this and value what I do. Laundry? Shopping? Don't make me laugh.
Everything good he has comes because I give it to him. Why does he treat me so poorly? I will probably never figure it out.
And then every now and then it's "Oh, I love you so much, you will never know how much I love you". RIGHT. A man in love does not commit verbal abuse and drink to blackouts. Actively SEEKING blackouts.
Ugh.
I didn't get my walk this morning, I'm going to go do it now.
Thursday, June 20, 2019
Thursday bedtime
Well, he is quiet now.
I am going to go check on our trips. A lot of gibberish trips for today but all cancelled.
Tomorrow's trips look OK. I will have to get up early if I want to work out, though.
I set up my exercise clothes and shoes next to my bed so I can don them easily. I may grab one of my reflective vests if I take a walk, it will be dark. No sense in me getting run over, and many of the "neighbors" park in an f-you fashion where they block the sidewalk with one car and a huge driveway. The only reason they would do that is saying f-you I don't want you walking past my home.
Very rude, and unsafe for pedestrians, we are forced out into the street.
But if I walk, I will wear one of my vests. I'll be fine.
Come home, shower, get us both ready for work. I will feed the cats first thing, as always.
Then work for a while. Ron seems in a better mood now that he's eaten, that may have been a factor but it DOES NOT excuse him verbally abusing me, especially when I was helping him.
I am going to go read my book for a while.
I am going to go check on our trips. A lot of gibberish trips for today but all cancelled.
Tomorrow's trips look OK. I will have to get up early if I want to work out, though.
I set up my exercise clothes and shoes next to my bed so I can don them easily. I may grab one of my reflective vests if I take a walk, it will be dark. No sense in me getting run over, and many of the "neighbors" park in an f-you fashion where they block the sidewalk with one car and a huge driveway. The only reason they would do that is saying f-you I don't want you walking past my home.
Very rude, and unsafe for pedestrians, we are forced out into the street.
But if I walk, I will wear one of my vests. I'll be fine.
Come home, shower, get us both ready for work. I will feed the cats first thing, as always.
Then work for a while. Ron seems in a better mood now that he's eaten, that may have been a factor but it DOES NOT excuse him verbally abusing me, especially when I was helping him.
I am going to go read my book for a while.
Thursday afternoon
I put on my workout playlist and did my workout.
There are days I challenge myself and push the limit, days when I coddle. Today was a coddle day but I still did better than expected on the get-ups. I pushed on the get-ups (June 2 I only did 3, today I did a total of 10). I did not push but did "maintainer" levels on the other 2 exercises. I don't regret that, I was literally dripping sweat all over the garage floor by the time I finished.
I came in and drank a protein shake. Premier Protein Caramel. 30 g protein. It was so good I wished it were bigger. I meant to share some with Ron but my natural greed took over and I just inhaled it. Took my pills (needed them!) and took a shower.
I watched some TV and tried to take a nap (it took me a while to get started this morning so I was hours behind), but I couldn't sleep. I got up and got on my computer (Baby Girl had taken over the chair for hours).
My measuring tape arrived. I am the same measurements I was last time I checked. That was pretty discouraging, especially for a day I'm already depressed.
I talked to Ron a little. We are leaving shortly for the Waffle House. He wanted to take me out so I will let him. WH has a more casual environment and that is better suited to him.
The cats are all good, I haven't seen the outside ones but I am sure various critters will appreciate the water. Not just cats.
Maybe "my" possum will come back. I wouldn't mind seeing it outside the house.
Bad news from Jack, the truck is acting up.
Chuck confided something in me the other day that I didn't like, but I couldn't say anything. I can't share it because it is not mine to share.
Well, that was horrible. The driver was late, the guy who is always late. Ron spent the "extra" half hour steadily drinking, and we so drunk by the time the driver arrived he had to ride in his wheelchair, in the back.
We got to the Waffle House "I don't want to eat" he says. I keep prodding him to eat and he keeps saying no. I gave him a bite of bacon off one slice, then an entire other slice when he liked it. I asked if he wanted an order of bacon. He said no. Waiter asked him several times about food, he kept saying no.
Ron slurs something at the waiter about "How Jesus don't want name on your body 566". I said "Do you mean the Bible says not to take the mark of the beast?" "Of course". That's not what he said. He drooled very unattractively, too.
I finished my meal (it was good) and Ron called the cab driver. He paid and gave the waiter an extra $10.
The driver said he was 15 minutes away. 10 minutes later Ron starts whining he is hungry, and wanted something to eat. I said it was too late to order, if he did the cab driver would be waiting on Ron while he ate and he didn't want that.
But he kept whining as if he hadn't eaten in days.
The cab arrives. Ron is, literally too drunk to get to the vehicle, even in a wheelchair. He keeps dragging his feet and almost flips himself out on the pavement on several occasions. I know what it "feels" like pushing him so I would immediately stop every time it happened, and it happened several times. Then he is too drunk to get in the cab, I had to shove him in there like I was kidnapping him. His legs stuck out at an odd angle. I had to sit him up in the cab and then position his legs underneath him. The whole time he is cursing me out.
I got in and fastened my seatbelt. Arturo starts down the road. And Ron says "I don't have any money". His $40 tip to Arturo last night, his $10 "extra" tip to the waiter, etc. have depleted him "Did (I) have any money?" As he is going down the road in a cab that must be paid for. I said I would help him check his fanny pack, because I believed he was overlooking money.
He got abusive. Arturo is very silent up front. By now I am pretty pissed myself.
Ron comes up with $14. When we got to the house, I paid Arturo $20 and told Ron I would take it out of (some cash at the house, not much). Ron got verbally abusive again. I knew it would be horrific getting Ron out of the cab so I took a moment to compose myself after I got out, got out my remote and opened the door, took another moment. I don't like being an angry person.
I opened the door and Ron said he gave Arturo all his money, so he got $34 for a $10 trip. Great. I asked Ron why he was giving all our money away "Because I'm Ron [last name]" As I suspected, an awful time getting him in the wheelchair, but I did without him going splat and bleeding all over the driveway. Times like that I am glad he is off the blood thinners.
I almost left him outside in the sun for a while to sweat out all the alcohol, but reminded myself criminal charges weren't worth it. So I took him in. Once I got him into the house he went down the hall, had a HELL of a time getting into bed, profanely refused any offers of help, so I walked out and left him. I got my cash back. He kept making a big production out of wanting to "pay me back". I told him I already got the money and he cursed me out.
He then began a narrative where I "had no food in the house" (in spite of my recent Walmart grocery delivery, a full fridge, and freezer, a dozen hard boiled eggs, dozens of cheese sticks, a gallon and a half of milk, plus a huge stack of protein shakes and some snack foods). I reminded him - I must admit shrilly - he had asked to take me out. We just went over this again - he BEGGED to take me out "because you deserve a nice meal"
Now he is denying it. But I was very clear I have plenty of food, I didn't need you to take me out to dinner. You asked and I accepted.
Long time before I do that again!
He is just cruel and abusive. He gives with one hand and takes with the other. He hands out hundreds of dollars in tip money every month but won't give me $20 when I run short before payday. And he makes me CRAWL before he says no - so I stopped asking. Why rely on him for anything? Why trust him? Why lean on him?
The only thing he loves in this world is his cat. Does he care for her? No. Who takes care of her, and the other cats? Me. So even the cats can't depend on him. I'm the one scooping her poop, feeding her, checking the water bowl, and cleaning her mats. Ron just pets her.
I'm the one who cares for the cats. I do everything for Ron. I would like him to be appreciative now and then. Can't do that? OK, be neutral, nothing good or bad. No, instead I get a steady diet of verbal abuse because I'm the only one dumb enough to help him. You think he would value my contribution.
And that is really the mistake I made after the accident: I figured Ron would realize and value everything I had done, and continued to do, for him. Instead he is the definition of "entitled", rude, unreasonable, and abusive. He won't bathe. He drools, he drinks to excess. He falls.
What to I do? I get up every damned day and help him run his business, clean, do his laundry, make sure good food is available for him to eat. I buy him protein shakes with my own money. I take care of his cat so he gets all the feelgood of owning a cat without any of the work. I do the work. He takes advantage of it.
If he had a healing tomorrow - everything miraculously restored, I would absolutely walk away. Absolutely.
At the end of it, I feel sorry for him. He has no one else I need to wean myself emotionally and learn not to rely on him for support. He cannot provide it consistently.
A good example, this morning, it was great that I worked out, how wonderful. A couple of hours later he said something about "fat ass" or "big butt" something I was meant to overhear and be upset. This after said "butt" had saved HIS butt getting in and out of the cab.
Ron has vulnerable parts in his ego. I do not use those to attack him. It's not my job to attack him, and God doesn't want it. God is going to hold him accountable.
But he's just so HATEFUL. He couldn't go three days at even moderate drinking, much less abstinence. It is exhausting and it can't go on very long at this rate. Which is why I document.
One day he's going to kill himself and I want it clear he did it to himself.
There are days I challenge myself and push the limit, days when I coddle. Today was a coddle day but I still did better than expected on the get-ups. I pushed on the get-ups (June 2 I only did 3, today I did a total of 10). I did not push but did "maintainer" levels on the other 2 exercises. I don't regret that, I was literally dripping sweat all over the garage floor by the time I finished.
I came in and drank a protein shake. Premier Protein Caramel. 30 g protein. It was so good I wished it were bigger. I meant to share some with Ron but my natural greed took over and I just inhaled it. Took my pills (needed them!) and took a shower.
I watched some TV and tried to take a nap (it took me a while to get started this morning so I was hours behind), but I couldn't sleep. I got up and got on my computer (Baby Girl had taken over the chair for hours).
My measuring tape arrived. I am the same measurements I was last time I checked. That was pretty discouraging, especially for a day I'm already depressed.
I talked to Ron a little. We are leaving shortly for the Waffle House. He wanted to take me out so I will let him. WH has a more casual environment and that is better suited to him.
The cats are all good, I haven't seen the outside ones but I am sure various critters will appreciate the water. Not just cats.
Maybe "my" possum will come back. I wouldn't mind seeing it outside the house.
Bad news from Jack, the truck is acting up.
Chuck confided something in me the other day that I didn't like, but I couldn't say anything. I can't share it because it is not mine to share.
Well, that was horrible. The driver was late, the guy who is always late. Ron spent the "extra" half hour steadily drinking, and we so drunk by the time the driver arrived he had to ride in his wheelchair, in the back.
We got to the Waffle House "I don't want to eat" he says. I keep prodding him to eat and he keeps saying no. I gave him a bite of bacon off one slice, then an entire other slice when he liked it. I asked if he wanted an order of bacon. He said no. Waiter asked him several times about food, he kept saying no.
Ron slurs something at the waiter about "How Jesus don't want name on your body 566". I said "Do you mean the Bible says not to take the mark of the beast?" "Of course". That's not what he said. He drooled very unattractively, too.
I finished my meal (it was good) and Ron called the cab driver. He paid and gave the waiter an extra $10.
The driver said he was 15 minutes away. 10 minutes later Ron starts whining he is hungry, and wanted something to eat. I said it was too late to order, if he did the cab driver would be waiting on Ron while he ate and he didn't want that.
But he kept whining as if he hadn't eaten in days.
The cab arrives. Ron is, literally too drunk to get to the vehicle, even in a wheelchair. He keeps dragging his feet and almost flips himself out on the pavement on several occasions. I know what it "feels" like pushing him so I would immediately stop every time it happened, and it happened several times. Then he is too drunk to get in the cab, I had to shove him in there like I was kidnapping him. His legs stuck out at an odd angle. I had to sit him up in the cab and then position his legs underneath him. The whole time he is cursing me out.
I got in and fastened my seatbelt. Arturo starts down the road. And Ron says "I don't have any money". His $40 tip to Arturo last night, his $10 "extra" tip to the waiter, etc. have depleted him "Did (I) have any money?" As he is going down the road in a cab that must be paid for. I said I would help him check his fanny pack, because I believed he was overlooking money.
He got abusive. Arturo is very silent up front. By now I am pretty pissed myself.
Ron comes up with $14. When we got to the house, I paid Arturo $20 and told Ron I would take it out of (some cash at the house, not much). Ron got verbally abusive again. I knew it would be horrific getting Ron out of the cab so I took a moment to compose myself after I got out, got out my remote and opened the door, took another moment. I don't like being an angry person.
I opened the door and Ron said he gave Arturo all his money, so he got $34 for a $10 trip. Great. I asked Ron why he was giving all our money away "Because I'm Ron [last name]" As I suspected, an awful time getting him in the wheelchair, but I did without him going splat and bleeding all over the driveway. Times like that I am glad he is off the blood thinners.
I almost left him outside in the sun for a while to sweat out all the alcohol, but reminded myself criminal charges weren't worth it. So I took him in. Once I got him into the house he went down the hall, had a HELL of a time getting into bed, profanely refused any offers of help, so I walked out and left him. I got my cash back. He kept making a big production out of wanting to "pay me back". I told him I already got the money and he cursed me out.
He then began a narrative where I "had no food in the house" (in spite of my recent Walmart grocery delivery, a full fridge, and freezer, a dozen hard boiled eggs, dozens of cheese sticks, a gallon and a half of milk, plus a huge stack of protein shakes and some snack foods). I reminded him - I must admit shrilly - he had asked to take me out. We just went over this again - he BEGGED to take me out "because you deserve a nice meal"
Now he is denying it. But I was very clear I have plenty of food, I didn't need you to take me out to dinner. You asked and I accepted.
Long time before I do that again!
He is just cruel and abusive. He gives with one hand and takes with the other. He hands out hundreds of dollars in tip money every month but won't give me $20 when I run short before payday. And he makes me CRAWL before he says no - so I stopped asking. Why rely on him for anything? Why trust him? Why lean on him?
The only thing he loves in this world is his cat. Does he care for her? No. Who takes care of her, and the other cats? Me. So even the cats can't depend on him. I'm the one scooping her poop, feeding her, checking the water bowl, and cleaning her mats. Ron just pets her.
I'm the one who cares for the cats. I do everything for Ron. I would like him to be appreciative now and then. Can't do that? OK, be neutral, nothing good or bad. No, instead I get a steady diet of verbal abuse because I'm the only one dumb enough to help him. You think he would value my contribution.
And that is really the mistake I made after the accident: I figured Ron would realize and value everything I had done, and continued to do, for him. Instead he is the definition of "entitled", rude, unreasonable, and abusive. He won't bathe. He drools, he drinks to excess. He falls.
What to I do? I get up every damned day and help him run his business, clean, do his laundry, make sure good food is available for him to eat. I buy him protein shakes with my own money. I take care of his cat so he gets all the feelgood of owning a cat without any of the work. I do the work. He takes advantage of it.
If he had a healing tomorrow - everything miraculously restored, I would absolutely walk away. Absolutely.
At the end of it, I feel sorry for him. He has no one else I need to wean myself emotionally and learn not to rely on him for support. He cannot provide it consistently.
A good example, this morning, it was great that I worked out, how wonderful. A couple of hours later he said something about "fat ass" or "big butt" something I was meant to overhear and be upset. This after said "butt" had saved HIS butt getting in and out of the cab.
Ron has vulnerable parts in his ego. I do not use those to attack him. It's not my job to attack him, and God doesn't want it. God is going to hold him accountable.
But he's just so HATEFUL. He couldn't go three days at even moderate drinking, much less abstinence. It is exhausting and it can't go on very long at this rate. Which is why I document.
One day he's going to kill himself and I want it clear he did it to himself.
I thought I was out of the depression
I slept OK last night and I thank God for that. Ron is "trying" to "be good" right now, I will enjoy it while it lasts.
But I woke up horribly depressed, went back to bed, had strange dreams about inner-city kids at an Indian restaurant, woke up again, dragged myself out of bed.
I just couldn't get started. My depression was not helped when Ron rolled himself into the kitchen and began drinking. He was able to stop and get back into bed, but it's still awful to watch an addict.
I have to remind myself, watching my severely crippled husband struggle is depressing. Watching him drink is even more depressing.
I love him in spite of the first, most of what is wrong with him is not his fault. He has had clear thinking today so I'm not worried about that today.
He was very affectionate and kept telling me he loved me. I appreciated that and I believe he loves me as much as he CAN.
He got back to bed OK and didn't fall. Last I heard he was talking to his cat. I was teasing him, calling her "greasy and matted". She is not greasy but she is matted, I will have to work on her some more today.
I don't want her to associate me with discomfort. I will give her a lot of treats while I try to untangle her.
I need to do my workout, take my pills, and then take a shower. I am just having a hard time starting. I have the energy (I changed into my workout clothes), I just lack motivation.
I'll get there, but it's almost 10 now. Ron is taking me to the Waffle House later. That will be fun but probably no time for a nap. Not a long one.
My headache was better this morning on the "new" pillow. I will keep the old ones around for when I want to read in bed - I don't have a headboard so I sort of pile them up and lean back.
I think I will ask Ron for a new Kindle for my birthday. The new ones have lights built in. That would be cool. I can still keep the old one for when I am out.
OK, I had 2 mountain dews and now a giant bucket of iced tea. The caffeine is working so I feel like I have enough energy to do my workout and shower.
This has not been an easy day for me. Reminds me of how bad it was before my diagnosis.
But I woke up horribly depressed, went back to bed, had strange dreams about inner-city kids at an Indian restaurant, woke up again, dragged myself out of bed.
I just couldn't get started. My depression was not helped when Ron rolled himself into the kitchen and began drinking. He was able to stop and get back into bed, but it's still awful to watch an addict.
I have to remind myself, watching my severely crippled husband struggle is depressing. Watching him drink is even more depressing.
I love him in spite of the first, most of what is wrong with him is not his fault. He has had clear thinking today so I'm not worried about that today.
He was very affectionate and kept telling me he loved me. I appreciated that and I believe he loves me as much as he CAN.
He got back to bed OK and didn't fall. Last I heard he was talking to his cat. I was teasing him, calling her "greasy and matted". She is not greasy but she is matted, I will have to work on her some more today.
I don't want her to associate me with discomfort. I will give her a lot of treats while I try to untangle her.
I need to do my workout, take my pills, and then take a shower. I am just having a hard time starting. I have the energy (I changed into my workout clothes), I just lack motivation.
I'll get there, but it's almost 10 now. Ron is taking me to the Waffle House later. That will be fun but probably no time for a nap. Not a long one.
My headache was better this morning on the "new" pillow. I will keep the old ones around for when I want to read in bed - I don't have a headboard so I sort of pile them up and lean back.
I think I will ask Ron for a new Kindle for my birthday. The new ones have lights built in. That would be cool. I can still keep the old one for when I am out.
OK, I had 2 mountain dews and now a giant bucket of iced tea. The caffeine is working so I feel like I have enough energy to do my workout and shower.
This has not been an easy day for me. Reminds me of how bad it was before my diagnosis.
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
Wednesday afternoon
I had a pretty good nap but woke up with a headache. I changed my pillow again, hoping that will help.
Well, that was an exhausting meal. First, the driver was very (half an hour) late. It was the guy who is always late. He had a slow girl in the back seat and Ron was trying to talk about very inappropriate stuff, like his "whore drive" a flash drive with audio tracks of women saying things on it. He has been upset it suddenly stopped working. He was also very angry at the driver, and I had to keep stopping him on both counts, especially re: the sex stuff because the other client could use a cell phone and could have very likely made a complaint. Instead, he made comments like "Your wife must have been really dumb to marry you" and the driver is sitting there asking me why I don't hand out (Bibles in bags of candy, because he used to love eating the candy) anymore. I gestured to the back where Ron was being obnoxious and said I don't have time, with taking care of him.
I also got sick of bagging up Bibles and tracts with bags of candy, everyone wanted the candy, no one wanted the material and threw it out, then demanded more every time I rode. I am not made of money. I don't have hours a week to bag it all up NOR a place to store it. ESPECIALLY since no one was reading it or even made a comment about what they had gotten. I didn't say anything in this paragraph but I sure thought it.
So we got to the restaurant. There is another man in a wheelchair one table over (empty table between us). He was very loud, and had "the accent" you get with cerebral palsy or some strokes. Very distorted, sounds kind of like a barking seal. And they are always very loud. It didn't bother me, I was just glad Ron doesn't talk like that. Ron has an "accent" but not bad. It drove Ron nuts, he kept making loud comments like "Why don't you shut up?" and "No one wants to hear you". I kept shushing him. He said he didn't care.
I noticed an alcohol drink on the table in front of the other man. The other man got progressively more upset with these comments and began shouting loudly. I couldn't understand what he was saying, though. It ended with Ron wanting me to take him over to the other man so he could tell him off. I said no. I said, Ron stood a good chance of being banned from the restaurant if he kept it up. That stopped him.
I never saw Ron as a heckler of other people with disabilities. It's like he wants everyone to hate him.
So I spent the whole meal trying to get Ron to shut up/calm down. It was exhausting. He called a cab to go home. Fine. I like the driver, he is a nice guy. Then he wanted to pay nearly 4 times the meter. What is that?
I can understand paying $40 each way when Biscuit is sick, it's a $6 trip, and I need to get him to the hospital. I totally get that. But paying FOUR times the meter "because he came when I called"? It is NOT THAT hard to get a cab in Houston. I looked like a cheap bitch arguing with Ron about that but I am OK with it. Not so OK with him spending his money like that.
I will check the mail in about half an hour. My heart rate monitor should come sometime. I had a good workout this morning on the bike (not sure if I shared that already) before I took my shower. Tomorrow is a day of and I will get up early, do kettlebells, take a shower, and most likely go out on the bus because I am exhausted with caring for Ron.
I didn't share the best part. This morning he was delusional and kept going on about work tasks, when he was in his underwear sitting on his bed and then in his wheelchair. It took him a while to snap out of it, to realize we had no trips to/from work, we were not at work, etc. I told him, frankly, it scared the hell out of me.
I told him later I would love to take him off the pain meds completely and see if that resolved the issue, he said I "couldn't" do that.
I may not have worked today but I feel pretty worn out.
Well, that was an exhausting meal. First, the driver was very (half an hour) late. It was the guy who is always late. He had a slow girl in the back seat and Ron was trying to talk about very inappropriate stuff, like his "whore drive" a flash drive with audio tracks of women saying things on it. He has been upset it suddenly stopped working. He was also very angry at the driver, and I had to keep stopping him on both counts, especially re: the sex stuff because the other client could use a cell phone and could have very likely made a complaint. Instead, he made comments like "Your wife must have been really dumb to marry you" and the driver is sitting there asking me why I don't hand out (Bibles in bags of candy, because he used to love eating the candy) anymore. I gestured to the back where Ron was being obnoxious and said I don't have time, with taking care of him.
I also got sick of bagging up Bibles and tracts with bags of candy, everyone wanted the candy, no one wanted the material and threw it out, then demanded more every time I rode. I am not made of money. I don't have hours a week to bag it all up NOR a place to store it. ESPECIALLY since no one was reading it or even made a comment about what they had gotten. I didn't say anything in this paragraph but I sure thought it.
So we got to the restaurant. There is another man in a wheelchair one table over (empty table between us). He was very loud, and had "the accent" you get with cerebral palsy or some strokes. Very distorted, sounds kind of like a barking seal. And they are always very loud. It didn't bother me, I was just glad Ron doesn't talk like that. Ron has an "accent" but not bad. It drove Ron nuts, he kept making loud comments like "Why don't you shut up?" and "No one wants to hear you". I kept shushing him. He said he didn't care.
I noticed an alcohol drink on the table in front of the other man. The other man got progressively more upset with these comments and began shouting loudly. I couldn't understand what he was saying, though. It ended with Ron wanting me to take him over to the other man so he could tell him off. I said no. I said, Ron stood a good chance of being banned from the restaurant if he kept it up. That stopped him.
I never saw Ron as a heckler of other people with disabilities. It's like he wants everyone to hate him.
So I spent the whole meal trying to get Ron to shut up/calm down. It was exhausting. He called a cab to go home. Fine. I like the driver, he is a nice guy. Then he wanted to pay nearly 4 times the meter. What is that?
I can understand paying $40 each way when Biscuit is sick, it's a $6 trip, and I need to get him to the hospital. I totally get that. But paying FOUR times the meter "because he came when I called"? It is NOT THAT hard to get a cab in Houston. I looked like a cheap bitch arguing with Ron about that but I am OK with it. Not so OK with him spending his money like that.
I will check the mail in about half an hour. My heart rate monitor should come sometime. I had a good workout this morning on the bike (not sure if I shared that already) before I took my shower. Tomorrow is a day of and I will get up early, do kettlebells, take a shower, and most likely go out on the bus because I am exhausted with caring for Ron.
I didn't share the best part. This morning he was delusional and kept going on about work tasks, when he was in his underwear sitting on his bed and then in his wheelchair. It took him a while to snap out of it, to realize we had no trips to/from work, we were not at work, etc. I told him, frankly, it scared the hell out of me.
I told him later I would love to take him off the pain meds completely and see if that resolved the issue, he said I "couldn't" do that.
I may not have worked today but I feel pretty worn out.
Mothers like that
I couldn't really get into this on Facebook.
First (not related) I slept great last night, glad I figured out it was my supplement. That was easily fixed.
So, as you know a stray cat has been hanging out around my house. Not feral, I'd say, but skittish. Rightly so, jerks abound. She is a lovely small calico, adult but not large like mine.
I say hello to her when I see her. Today she seemed pitiful and I got her a can of food. I still have a few cans for times like this.
I took the can outside before I opened it, that would have been cruel to Biscuit, who used to love canned food. I put it down and she began eating, a little less leery than before.
Then the kittens showed up, two of them. An orange and white tabby, and a miniature calico with strong, gorgeous coloring who looked like a mini-mom.
The mother immediately backed off, inviting them to eat. And eat they did. When I went out later that plate was licked clean.
I don't know if they have a home or not. I do know I can't take 3 cats and even if I could my girls are bitches who would not take it well.
But it got me thinking, the hungry nursing mom backing away from the food so her babies could eat. How many of us had mothering like that? How many of us really felt like Mom would lie down and die, if needed, to protect us?
Mine ignored me when I fell down a flight of stairs and hit my head. Mine lay in bed all day drinking while I screamed with hunger. So I really appreciate cats showing me the real story.
"Of course I will let the babies eat the food, they are hungry too, and growing at that."
"Of course I will fight the evil person/aggressive animal to protect my children."
Nice to know there are mothers like that.
Now, I want to take care of her but there are some questions. Is she owned? If so, why didn't they fix her? Kittens are cute but they grow up fast and have more kittens, if they aren't killed by an angry "neighbor", die of illness, or get run over. I would have no problem fixing (and have) someone else's domestic shorthair (not purebred). I did before and I don't regret it. The owner was slow and didn't even realize the cat had been fixed.
How would I get her TNR'd? I can trap her (still have the possum trap), but transport would be a huge issue getting her crosstown to the low cost clinic. And where would she recover after her surgery?
As I've said, my cats are bitches. They are not letting anyone else in the house. Not at all. And that is reasonable, 3 cats in a 900 square foot house is plenty dense; six cats in that space gives each one closet space, no more.
I will need to pray on this and figure it out. I did put a generous water bowl on the porch so they at least have water. It will be miserably hot for the next week at least and they need that at minimum.
I can also pick up a bag of kitten food and feed them that. But they really need to be fixed.
First (not related) I slept great last night, glad I figured out it was my supplement. That was easily fixed.
So, as you know a stray cat has been hanging out around my house. Not feral, I'd say, but skittish. Rightly so, jerks abound. She is a lovely small calico, adult but not large like mine.
I say hello to her when I see her. Today she seemed pitiful and I got her a can of food. I still have a few cans for times like this.
I took the can outside before I opened it, that would have been cruel to Biscuit, who used to love canned food. I put it down and she began eating, a little less leery than before.
Then the kittens showed up, two of them. An orange and white tabby, and a miniature calico with strong, gorgeous coloring who looked like a mini-mom.
The mother immediately backed off, inviting them to eat. And eat they did. When I went out later that plate was licked clean.
I don't know if they have a home or not. I do know I can't take 3 cats and even if I could my girls are bitches who would not take it well.
But it got me thinking, the hungry nursing mom backing away from the food so her babies could eat. How many of us had mothering like that? How many of us really felt like Mom would lie down and die, if needed, to protect us?
Mine ignored me when I fell down a flight of stairs and hit my head. Mine lay in bed all day drinking while I screamed with hunger. So I really appreciate cats showing me the real story.
"Of course I will let the babies eat the food, they are hungry too, and growing at that."
"Of course I will fight the evil person/aggressive animal to protect my children."
Nice to know there are mothers like that.
Now, I want to take care of her but there are some questions. Is she owned? If so, why didn't they fix her? Kittens are cute but they grow up fast and have more kittens, if they aren't killed by an angry "neighbor", die of illness, or get run over. I would have no problem fixing (and have) someone else's domestic shorthair (not purebred). I did before and I don't regret it. The owner was slow and didn't even realize the cat had been fixed.
How would I get her TNR'd? I can trap her (still have the possum trap), but transport would be a huge issue getting her crosstown to the low cost clinic. And where would she recover after her surgery?
As I've said, my cats are bitches. They are not letting anyone else in the house. Not at all. And that is reasonable, 3 cats in a 900 square foot house is plenty dense; six cats in that space gives each one closet space, no more.
I will need to pray on this and figure it out. I did put a generous water bowl on the porch so they at least have water. It will be miserably hot for the next week at least and they need that at minimum.
I can also pick up a bag of kitten food and feed them that. But they really need to be fixed.
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
Tuesday evening
I made a Walmart order, a lot of protein shakes. I even got some soy milk. I am hoping to get Ron to taste it. If he likes it, it would be a great additional boost for his nutrition.
And if he doesn't like it I will drink it. I like to mix soy milk with regular milk.
So I took my time, made an order. They do not have tape measures - not the cloth ones - for delivery. I could get a regular one with the metal delivered but not a cloth one. I may have to go to Amazon for that.
I put on my workout clothes and did some cleaning, then took a nice 30 minute walk. I don't get the "neighbors" who have the whole driveway, but they park the car so it is blocking the sidewalk. It seems to be a real "F8ck you neighbors, you're not walking past MY house!" Sidewalk is public property AND they have to provide access. I have seen episodes of parking wars where a homeowner got a ticket for blocking the sidewalk in front of their home.
Other than that, I had a nice walk. It was too hot for most people but I like it warm.
I checked the mail, got a water bill. I found a hang tag on the door, the inspector came by today. The insurance company hires an inspector to come by and take photos (outside only). If they see cause for concern, they ask us to fix it. I can understand the logic but I am a very private person. And, to be honest, I totally forgot and left a couple of items in the side yard.
Other than that nothing of note. Ron is asleep. He told me he was having a really good day and I was happy to have my default Ron, back. I don't think he made any trips for tomorrow, which is fine, I can always go out on the bus after I get my delivery (pretty early tomorrow morning).
Ron got up and started drinking. Hopefully not too much. We talked about protein shakes and he said he might try some. That would be great if he did because he doesn't get enough protein in a day. That feeds the anemia I am sure.
He said he doesn't have a lot of pain pills left. I warned him, all weekend, the script is only written for 2 a day. He wouldn't listen. Now he is going to have to ration what he has left. Doc could not have been clearer in the contract, no extra medication, not if you lose it, take it, have it stolen. What you get is what you get and you had better make it last.
We will see how that goes. I still need to look into the acupuncture.
I had some electrolyte drink when I got back (sugar free) so I am not hungry yet. When I am I have some frozen burritos in the freezer I plan to eat.
Baby Girl has some mats in her fur. I wonder if it may be stress related, I will have to pay closer attention. I worked about half of them out yesterday. I am leaving her alone today and then I will try again tomorrow. I want her to like me and she won't if I am always picking at her. Ron suggested just shaving her but she will look so awful if I do that, it's embarrassing.
Not to mention we take her to the vet in about a month. I think I can work the mats out by hand, and, if absolutely necessary, I have some grooming scissors I can use to trim out difficult ones.
It is interesting that Baby Girl is the only one with a mat issue, the other cats are fine, and they're all shorthairs. I will take care of her.
So Ron is willing to try a protein shake. I will let him have sips of the new ones as I drink them and then if he likes them I can order more.
For now,though, I am looking at a couple of frozen, microwaved burritos for dinner. Tomorrow he has us going out somewhere in the late afternoon. That will be nice to have someone else fix my food.
I feel like I need a treat after the last week.
And if he doesn't like it I will drink it. I like to mix soy milk with regular milk.
So I took my time, made an order. They do not have tape measures - not the cloth ones - for delivery. I could get a regular one with the metal delivered but not a cloth one. I may have to go to Amazon for that.
I put on my workout clothes and did some cleaning, then took a nice 30 minute walk. I don't get the "neighbors" who have the whole driveway, but they park the car so it is blocking the sidewalk. It seems to be a real "F8ck you neighbors, you're not walking past MY house!" Sidewalk is public property AND they have to provide access. I have seen episodes of parking wars where a homeowner got a ticket for blocking the sidewalk in front of their home.
Other than that, I had a nice walk. It was too hot for most people but I like it warm.
I checked the mail, got a water bill. I found a hang tag on the door, the inspector came by today. The insurance company hires an inspector to come by and take photos (outside only). If they see cause for concern, they ask us to fix it. I can understand the logic but I am a very private person. And, to be honest, I totally forgot and left a couple of items in the side yard.
Other than that nothing of note. Ron is asleep. He told me he was having a really good day and I was happy to have my default Ron, back. I don't think he made any trips for tomorrow, which is fine, I can always go out on the bus after I get my delivery (pretty early tomorrow morning).
Ron got up and started drinking. Hopefully not too much. We talked about protein shakes and he said he might try some. That would be great if he did because he doesn't get enough protein in a day. That feeds the anemia I am sure.
He said he doesn't have a lot of pain pills left. I warned him, all weekend, the script is only written for 2 a day. He wouldn't listen. Now he is going to have to ration what he has left. Doc could not have been clearer in the contract, no extra medication, not if you lose it, take it, have it stolen. What you get is what you get and you had better make it last.
We will see how that goes. I still need to look into the acupuncture.
I had some electrolyte drink when I got back (sugar free) so I am not hungry yet. When I am I have some frozen burritos in the freezer I plan to eat.
Baby Girl has some mats in her fur. I wonder if it may be stress related, I will have to pay closer attention. I worked about half of them out yesterday. I am leaving her alone today and then I will try again tomorrow. I want her to like me and she won't if I am always picking at her. Ron suggested just shaving her but she will look so awful if I do that, it's embarrassing.
Not to mention we take her to the vet in about a month. I think I can work the mats out by hand, and, if absolutely necessary, I have some grooming scissors I can use to trim out difficult ones.
It is interesting that Baby Girl is the only one with a mat issue, the other cats are fine, and they're all shorthairs. I will take care of her.
So Ron is willing to try a protein shake. I will let him have sips of the new ones as I drink them and then if he likes them I can order more.
For now,though, I am looking at a couple of frozen, microwaved burritos for dinner. Tomorrow he has us going out somewhere in the late afternoon. That will be nice to have someone else fix my food.
I feel like I need a treat after the last week.
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