Pretty upset right now.
I woke up at 6, took until 7 to get it going, did my workout, took a shower, dressed, got Ron dressed.
Ron was angry about something, I reminded him I am the only one helping him. He snapped at me, and got progressively uglier.
I would think he would want to be nice to the only person helping him, and that's all I do.
Anyway, I passed him in a narrow area and he kicked out his leg as I passed. Accidentally, I believe. It didn't have much force. "Hey" I said "Don't kick me".
"I'll slap you if I want!"
"And I'll file charges!"
"That's the only reason I don't (do it)!"
Nice. Whatever happened to being nice to, and treating, your wife with respect because she is, after all, the only one helping you? Because you LOVE her? He is a big one for these heartfelt declarations of love now and then, with a little speech on how lost he'd be without me, but I don't see him putting it into practice.
I was just utterly disgusted. He apologized later, without prompting. A couple of times. I told him "I'm not infinite, and there's a point where I walk away".
Somehow I think he is trying to make that happen, that he has a script in his head that has me walking away "And then I end up in my nursing home". How do you battle something like that? I feel like I'm telling him how to drive me off so he can 'get what he wants".
It is sad, nauseating, and disgusting. I actually feel sorry for him right now because all he has is me. I am not 100% all the time as we saw from my posted comment. But I think I'm pretty dependable. I may need a nap, but I'm there.
Anyway, I'm going to try and get a nap. #6 has apparently decided they aren't working this week, the work truck is parked in front of the house. Must be nice to get all that time off your cash job, when you're getting welfare. When your neighbors have to get up at 3 AM tomorrow to pay YOUR bills.
The tech did fix Ron's cable so he can use it now, he was a very nice man and we did not let our tension spill over.
29 comments:
But he knows you won’t leave. Read this for 7 years and I’m done. You are great and it’s too depressing seeing you, at this point, willingly throw your life away for this jerk.
You need to hold to your words. I remember before Ron decided to get painkillers that he would stop drinking and I remember you said that you would step away if he didn't do that. He hasn't stopped. You got him Kratom and he hasn't stopped drinking. It's just his habit and he has no intention of changing any time soon. You do you. Keep up your exercises and just focus on improving your lot. Ron will get angry as all get out because he perceives you as getting somewhere while he's just stuck despite your help.
Don't remind Ron that you are here only for him. That will make him even angrier as you've mentioned - because he feels trapped. Just say that he needs to be more careful next time and move on. Don't rise to his bait. Stay cool and walk away if he tries to escalate and tries to keep you close by with his platitudes.
If he needs help, just do what is needed and don't offer him anything because he thinks it's a choice. It's not. He lost that privilege a long time ago with you when he became abusive towards you as a husband and is not genuinely repentant.
Have a good nap.
-star_tigress
To the first comment, not sure what I can say. I will miss you? (((Hugs))) I am sick of me too, sometimes. I wish I wasn't so loyal.
Star, yeah, reminding him I am there just puts him in a bad frame, better not to do it. There is not really a lot he can do to harm me, and only then if I'm cornered and don't push him away. I learned my lesson about that one in 2007.
The fact that you ignored -star_tigresses other points shows just how far you have fallen into your own delusions.
Not to mention giving a known addict another addictive substance. Which is not big pharma talk as another person who posts here admitted to battling their own Kratom addiction.
What lengths will you go to keep this charade of a "life" with this man up? The fall is going to be really hard for you when it happens largely because you refuse to prepare for the inevitable.
Negative Interactions: Mixing Kratom with other drugs can cause potentially hazardous side-effects. Mixing this drug with psychoactive substances creates a negative drug interaction that can lead to potential seizures. When taken with opioids, each drug may intensify the effects of the other, causing a potentially life-threatening overdose. Between 2010 and 2018, the number of calls to US poison control centers has skyrocketed and some overdose deaths have even been reported.
Accidental Overdose: People who already have a high tolerance for opioids who take Kratom run the risk of overdose because they are not able to dose Kratom properly. Due to its leaf nature, those who buy powdered Kratom have no way of verifying whether the substance has been laced with other drugs to exaggerate effects.
Addiction: Just like all drugs, people can become addicted to the effects of Kratom. This is probably the most dangerous long-term effect of this drug, as a physical dependence can occur with time. As with all dependence, people who stop using Kratom will experience uncomfortable withdrawals that include aches, pains, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, aggression, insomnia and other symptoms. Tremors, delusions and other more serious issues have also been reported.
what would he say if you told him you quit and are going to get another job. Tell him you'll help train a new person and will help with the paperwork and filings. I think he thinks you owe him for giving you a job and a roof over your head, not that he should be thanking you for all you do. He knows you won't do anything because in his eyes, he's your meal ticket not the other way around.
Well, to be honest I am liking the part time hours, and other vendors tell me it is very difficult to find an employee who won't steal. So I will keep working for him for now.
About the Kratom, I am giving him low doses of 1 gram, up to 4x a day. But not even that much, that's just the max I will give him. What I heard up to 8 grams a day are common and it is also common for some users to take grams at a time. We are not doing that. And we are only using it on an "as needed" basis for pain. Re: the opioid remember it is the lowest dose available and not even 2x a day.
I've done what I can to prepare for his death, not much I can do really. Get life insurance? Ha. Did the wills. Have references for job hunting. Do have insurance so I hopefully get the house.
Re: addiction, again, I am not giving him large doses. A low dose seems quite effective and we are pretty much at 2 x a day on that - 2 grams a day is not going to cause major issues. 4 grams at a time, multiple times a day, yes. I took one capsule today for a headache and got great results. I have taken a total of 2 grams in 2 weeks now so I think I am safe, too.
I will not sit by and watch someone I love in pain, knowing I can help alleviate it, with something that has been used for hundreds of years. You don't have to live with him screaming in pain for hours on end. I do. You don't have to watch him drink himself to blackouts just to turn off the pain - which has not happened since I started the Kratom. He has gotten very drunk, but not "because pain". Just because he wanted it. Which is, at the end of all things, his choice. It has not been as helpful as he hoped for sleep but it has some good results on his pain.
It’s hopeless.
You call it loyalty.
Everyone else thinks that’s insane. God tells us to love our enemies and don’t hate them, not to be their whipped dog.
He can cheat on you, refuse to clean himself, hr you, yell horrible things, call you things I’d never call my husband or be called by him, act out in public, not get help for drinking, refuse to work in any way to fix himself doctors tell him.
He pays you crap. You could work anywhere and make more—to flippantly say “these hours are good!” When everything else in your life is hell is like saying a sinking boat has a pretty flag.
Nothing will make you leave. It sucks your dad and adopted mom and family sucked, but you are an adult. It’s your choice now what to do and you refuse to change.
Get therapy and move out.
It’s really sad what you became.
Heather—long time reader and commenter.
I am a lawyer and know people in Houston you should talk to.
You recently thought you could lose your house because someone in a prayer group said so.
These people can tell you what you and Ron qualify for and how to protect both of you.
I can give you info of services to help people like you.
Lawyer commenter again.
Praying for you.
You can do this.
He doesn’t drink for the pain though. “Just because he wanted it “(his body and mind are addicted to it) proves that. It’s also not advisable to withhold the fact that you are taking the Kratom to Rons doctor (very bad idea in fact) you should always disclose ALL medications to your doctor. Of course you can’t because you don’t see a primary doc because you canceled your insurance because Ron doesn’t want you to have health Insurance. But even though you take small amounts you should still tell your psych doctor. If you don’t well, that’s irresponsible IMO.
The pain pills were supposed to take care of the pain. If they don't work why is he taking them? The addiction part is whatever but the potential side effects, especially aggression is not good - considering his abusive track record. And I do believe he tried to kick you on purpose. Could be a side effect of the alcohol, pain pills and kratom combined.
Hahaha there you go with another excuse, "I am liking the part time hours." Yep, Ron is your meal ticket, and you're not going to give that up. You just like writing in this blog about how awful Ron is. You are such a hypocrite.
I thought Ron was taking Neurontin for pain, when did he go on an opiate, which one is he taking?
He went off the Neurontin when he started taking the opiate, last year, for pain. 50 mg Tramadol which is barely an aspirin. Not even 2 a day per prescription.
When is it a bad thing to like making a living working part-time? Wouldn't you take it if you could?
The pain pills help some which is why he still goes to the pain doc. Just not enough in my opinion, especially on Very Bad Days which we have had in abundance. Then I get to listen to him scream in agony and slam back one shot after another trying to dull it. Which is where the Kratom comes in.
I cancelled my insurance because I couldn't afford it. Half my pay and a horrible deductible. I have managed to save most of what I was paying toward the cats' annual vet visit (will be hundreds), and medical emergencies for myself.
We have a doc in the box office with many doctors nearby. I could see any one of them for $100, not much more than the insurance would have cost. I was already paying for my own blood tests, psychiatrist visits, and prescriptions so where was the benefit?
It is ironic, I have my own mind on my life. Because of that, I am weak minded. You can't have it both ways. I have made a commitment and I will keep it; I know it angers some that I don't run off at trouble, but that is not who I am.
It has very little to do with my mother. I would have made very different choices if I had kids, unlike my parents. I am willing to accept things that many would not; but that's my choice. It's still America and I'm legally able to make my own decisions.
To paraphrase something I saw on Facebook, I don't throw away people because they are broken. I see that as an asset. I am incredibly stubborn, that can be a blessing and a curse.
You can’t be making more than $10 an hour if you bring in $800 a month with part time hours. You could make MORE at Sam’s club, McDonald’s or basically anywhere. McDonald’s here advertise wages 12 an hour and up. HE IS UNDER PAYING YOU. AND DOESNT GIVE YOU ANY BENEFITS!!! you could get company paid benefits at a REAL JOB. But I suspect you don’t really want to better yourself. Less blog topics?. Idk
A quote from January 15,2019
“Ron was in an extremely bad mood all day, vile tempered, short, abusive, demanding, ugly, etc. He kept telling me to work but there was nothing to do. I finally filled out my health insurance check and mailed that, it made him happy. I called it "a bill" because he goes ballistic when I mention my insurance. As far as he's concerned, I should carry no insurance and "the hospital will take care of you". I told him that only works if you are illegal. ”
As I have said before you are married so the money earned by you and him is both of yours. The fact that he gets the lions share of the money when you do all the work is just pathetic.
I like how you ignored the lawyer who may have been able to help you. Again you won't lose your house (unless you don't pay the mortgage) so please stop saying that to make people feel sorry for you.
I don't know if you and Ron are playing a game and trying to get money from people (by not asking but people may send anyway) that seems more logical than all you keep posting about his terrible treatment of you and how you will stay no matter what.
If his pain is now moving into the excruciating on a daily basis it seems his condition is getting worse and this will continue to escalate until not even the vodka or the pain pills or the kratom will help.
No god does not determine when a person dies. That is just not true and if that was in fact the case why would he allow children to be beaten to death or a woman to be raped and murdered? People can live with addiction and pain for a very long time. Our bodies are designed for self preservation no matter how much pain and suffering the human host is in. That you can attribute to god's design which is a pretty heartless thing in my opinion.
Lastly it is not throwing ron away because he is "broken" it is standing up for yourself because ron refuses to do anything to make your life better or easier and is abusive. You stated longer than any normal or sane person would have stayed.
He gets all the care and treatment and you get the scraps. Shame you didn't allow him to live like such a pig because you could actually get medicare to pay you to take care of him. Of course they wouldn't allow you to let him live in filth and garbage and bottles half filled with urine.
Taking tramadol with alcohol can cause depression in the central nervous system which can lead to more back pain and could be the reason his pain is increasing.
"Taking tramadol" YES I KNOW which is why I got him the Kratom. He is GOING to mix with alcohol, that is a GIVEN DESPITE everything I have told him and warned him. His doctor knows because Ron was VERY frank in discussing his alcohol usage. He has also showed up clearly drunk, to appointments.
He has to take SOMETHING for the pain. If he is going to mix with alcohol I would rather it be Kratom.
When have I EVER asked for money? Well, after Ron got run over and I was about to get evicted... I went begging to family. When work came up with a couple of "love offerings" I took them and bought groceries, medication, etc. But I have never asked for money on this blog even when I was making a quarter of what I am now. I do have pride.
I bitch about my problems because it takes a load off my back, no more, no less. There are things that could lead to the loss of the house. I can't talk about them now.
Regarding the dead kids, you don't think they are better off in Heaven? I do. One thing has been remarkably consistent the last 20 some years, Ron saying it is so much better on "FM" (heaven) than it is here and a continued burning desire to "go back". That says something, especially as we were shacking up and he was cheating on me, treating me pretty badly, at the time of the accident. But he was saved.
In my opinion it is always the "survivors" you should feel sorry for. The ones who die are always better off.
Ron finds a urinal more convenient. I did get him to agree to keep the caps on the empty bottles so the room smells better. It is a huge effort for Ron to even use the urinal so I am not going to throw rocks for that. I suspect that is one reason he doesn't drink enough fluid, not wanting to pee.
He has committed to working on his room and I will help him.
@ Insurance (I am getting confused with all the replies here), he "doesn't like to see me ripped off". He would rather see me spend the whole pay on desired things and not bills. I didn't like it either!
What I do now is take $350 of my second paycheck (twice a month), and put that into medical expenses, cat vet visits, prescriptions, blood tests, prescriptions, dr visits, dental visits, etc. None of this was covered by my insurance. If I have anything left it goes into savings.
When Ron gave me $300 unexpectedly, I spent half and put the other half in savings. If I can get a couple thousand into savings I will look into a catastrophic plan if I can find one for cheap.
@ $10 - I think this post has gotten more replies than even the one where the morbidly obese woman tried to shove Ron off the van - he just pays me a flat rate. Sometimes I work more hours (holidays) than others. Other weeks I barely work at all. When I had the migraine in October I didn't work a whole week but he still paid the whole nut. I honestly don't feel ripped off.
Get on Medicare
Do you make $800 a month before or after taxes?
After.
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