Not happy with Ron

I am unsure what you know of bipolar disorder.  We get depressed.  We get manic.  Sometimes we get both (I take a drug just for that).  Sometimes we cycle quickly, sometimes not.  Sometimes we have other symptoms like my psychotic issues but as far as diagnosis goes the bipolar trumps everything.

Everyone knows and understands depression, everyone has been there.  Everyone understands "crazy" - psychotic symptoms, hearing voices, hallucinating, delusions.

But I don't think everyone understands manic.  In my case it was a lot of shopping, a lot of talking, intense interest in various subjects, and what I will term as "reckless behavior".  In one case I baited a gangbanger.  In another I chased down a carload of gangbangers and cussed them out because they almost ran over Ron and me when we were crossing the street.

And then there was the highly embarrassing sexual behavior.  Especially when we were dating.  I won't go into details but I am embarrassed now, looking back, I did all that.  I didn't have frequent manias back then but sex was a component in some of them.  On two occasions (one before I moved in with him, one after) I did things I deeply regret.

AND RON WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THEM.  He tells me how great it was that I did these things, how "beautiful and free", etc.  I tell him to please drop it and he says I have nothing to be ashamed of.

This, from someone who has proven to be pretty amoral.  I'm not taking HIS value judgement.

He did it again tonight.  I finally got through to him, tonight, I think.  I asked him if he wanted me to constantly bring up all the embarrassing and degrading things he has done when drunk.  He said no.  I said it is the same thing.

He shut up.  But the next time he brings up the sexual behavior (I think he does it to shame me) I will start bringing up things he would REALLY rather forget, that he did while drunk.   And I have a much longer list than he does.

And what is it with this "quiet blackout" bullshit?  THERE IS NO SUCH THING.  There is falling on the floor, hurting yourself, and keeping me up all night, but that doesn't matter because we have tomorrow off? 

What the hell? 

I would never put myself in the condition where I would bother Ron.  It wouldn't be fair to him, or myself.  He is disgusting when he drinks, that is the only word I can use. 

I just don't do that, ever.  I feel horrible if I have a migraine, can't eat, and miss a dose of my pills.  I fell horribly guilty and take my medicine as soon as I can. 

He DOESN'T need it for pain, I gave him kratom and I even asked if he was hurting, and he said NO.  He just wants to become oblivious. 

I never thought I would love a man who would seek out becoming a literal slobbering drunk.  It is so unbecoming, I don't want to see him like that.  I want to value and respect him, see him as a good guy who values and respects me. 

But at the end of the day he does not.