Exactly as expected

So, last night, basically Ron told me "I'm going to drink myself stupid, make a lot of noise, keep you up all night, and there's nothing you can do about it.  I won't even use the excuse I am in a lot of pain because I'm not'. 

He called it "a quiet blackout".  He has this perception that he can get very drunk, and have a blackout, without disturbing me.  I have told him repeatedly it is impossible for him, and abusive to me to do so.  I need my sleep every night, it is VERY important with my illness, but, like an infant, he cares nothing for my needs.  It is all about his desires, his wants... he settled in with his bottle when I went to bed. 

And, sure enough, like the infant he woke me up every couple hours.  Last night it was loud talking at nothing.   He woke me up several times.  I would yell at him to shut up, or on two occasions had to get up and tell him to be quiet.  "Sah-ree!  Won't happen again!"  Until it did. 

I finally got up at 6 am and told him I was very unhappy with him, he was a terrible husband and anyone who loved me would understand the importance of letting me sleep.  I told him "Sorry" and excuses didn't cut it, he knew he would keep me up all night when he picked up the bottle, it was "very unfair" to keep me up all night and say I had today off - because I had to get up for certain things and I am not wired to just sleep all day if someone keeps me up all night. 

I remember one night #6 had one of their [censored] parties, went until 3 AM.  I got about 3 hours of sleep and then I woke up at 6:30.  That's just how I'm wired.  I can get a nap in the afternoon, but I cannot sleep during the day. 

"What do you want me to do?"  I told him go the [censored] to bed and hopefully I could get a little sleep.  He clutched his bottle like a kid grabs a pacifier that might be taken away, took a couple of swigs straight off the bottle, and very slowly and reluctantly put it away.  I got him into his bedroom. 

I can tell a lot about Ron's intoxication level by his method in getting out of his wheelchair.  Generally he lunges to his feet, takes a couple of side steps, puts one knee up on the mattress, and flops into bed.  When he is very drunk he can't even get out of his wheelchair. 

He got his butt lifted about 2 inches out of the wheelchair.  I grabbed his hips and supported him, he was very unstable.  Remember I am standing behind the wheelchair, if I take it away from him and he goes back he is going to crash down onto my legs/feet, causing serious damage. 

He grunted angrily at me when I braced him.  That is one thing I detest about him when he drinks, he heard some stupid wives' tale about alcohol is better absorbed through the mouth vs gi tract so he holds the alcohol in his mouth as long as possible, grunting "dialogue" at me.  I tell him I won't speak to him when he's grunting and "make" him talk to me. 

I asked him if he wanted help because, even drunk, he is very touchy about that.  He said no, he didn't need any help.  "OK" I said as I released him, and there he went, over on his side and down on the floor. 

I walked away.  I would destroy my body trying to get him off the floor.  Drunk, he's no help and sometimes actively fights me when I am getting him up.  Not worth it.  Not to mention, if he's that drunk he will just fall again. 

He loudly "reassured" me he was fine but I didn't care by that point.  I walked away.  He yelled something and I said "You'll get into bed when you sober up" and left him in the floor. 

Last I passed his room he was on his side, on the floor, snoring.  He can wake up on the floor as far as I'm concerned.  He is getting better sleep than I did. 

I even thought about setting an alarm and waking him up every half hour but I don't think it would help.  He would just be a jackass the next time, too. 

So, I don't feel bad.  Ron got what he wanted, a degrading evening of intoxication.  I wish he got hangovers, that would help, I think. If he actually felt physically ill the next day he might not drink as much.  But he is not wired for that. 

I won't share the details but Ron told me a story once about a family member, who was an alcoholic, very drunk on a couple of occasions.  How degrading it was for his view of this person.  How he vowed he would never be that person. 

Yet here he is on the floor. 

I just decided I am going to fine him every time he keeps me up all night.  I will tell him when he sobers up today, it is going to cost him $100 a night every time he does it.  And if he doesn't give it to me I will take it out of the business or savings account.