First, woke up with a migraine around midnight, using Kratom to treat it. It is better but I will not be working out.
Second, I just mentioned my (half) sister the other day. I unfriended her on Facebook back in 2013. You can imagine my shock when I saw a post of hers on our mutual niece's timeline. I went and looked at her timeline, a bunch of crap about "family has the same roots" etc.
God, I hope not. I really pray that is not the case. Divorced her husband after over 25 years because she was told he was autistic. She had to know he was different when she married him. I watched them together the last time, and it was clear he worshiped her. He couldn't take his eyes off of her, followed her around, etc. I'm not saying he was perfect but she had plenty of baggage of her own, including being a hoarder.
But he's "broken" and "can't be fixed" so throw him out! Goodbye!
I know people expected me to do that with Ron, but that's not who I am. After the accident, and now.
One thing I didn't like about my sister - she gossiped. I shared some information with her on the phone one time when she had other people in the room. We were talking about some of the side effects of Risperdal, and I mentioned I would make weird green milk on occasion, a fact she just HAD to repeat and share with everyone in the room. I was pretty angry.
Another time I mentioned a medical fact about Ron, not one he likes to advertise, she kept bringing it up (it had nothing to do with sex).
I only have 2 FB people in common with her, I believe I will hide them so I don't have to see any more of her posts. I am just not in the mood.
I feel like I got a win with Ron's nutrition recently. I had a little time to shop the last time we went to Walmart, and I found some Bridgeford Teriyaki meat sticks. He loves their teriyaki jerky, so I figured the meat sticks might be a win, too. He ate the entire bag, loads of protein, but I won't tell him that. I will just say "they are pretty good for you". He liked the fact he could keep them in his room. Awesome.
I feel somewhat like the mother of a very picky toddler might. Trying to get him to eat the right foods, tricking him into eating his macros every day. He won't do protein shakes, I have tried, but I can get him to eat meat snacks.
I am rethinking the purple hair. I don't want to do anything permanent, and the website says there is no promise it will wash out. That's something to think about, my hair is about 2 feet long now and I would rather not cut it off.
I slept OK last night but woke up with the migraine around 12 midnight, took some Kratom, went back to bed, slept VERY well for 5 hours, woke up at 5, saw Ron, took more Kratom and went back to bed. I did not sleep as well that time and woke up after 2 hours. I will take some more in half an hour if I need it. So far I am up to 2 grams total. Can do up to 8 grams a day, I've been told.
I gave Ron some "chocolate" Kratom at 5, he asked for it by name. He said he slept very well and is not in any pain. We were just talking about trips for tomorrow. If I go out, it will have to be the morning, but he said he would give me cab fare for Walmart.
I need to get another pair of shoes because Biscuit ruined my one pair, I like to rotate between 2 pair. And Ron could use some more meat sticks. I don't really need groceries.
I thought it was funny Ron put the Shrimpy Shrimp 1 pound container into the big canister. I thought we were done with that container. But he says he likes it better and will use it for the shrimp treats.
Now that is interesting, I went back to FB and the post from my sister is gone. I guess FB forgot we were unfriended but STILL going to block the niece. My great niece is cool, I like her, and they are not "friends" but the niece is so away you go.
My headache is not wanting to quit. I think the right dose is 2 grams, not 1. I will know for next time. But I would rather start slow and work my way up.
Ugh. I just hate the whole sluggish "I'm sick" feeling.
10 comments:
"But he's "broken" and "can't be fixed" so throw him out! Goodbye! "
There is a difference between ron being "broken" and his constantly verbally abusing you. Get a clue it is not the same thing. If he treated you with as much respect and decency it would be one thing but he does not. So to compare the two in your post just shows how completely nuts you are (and not because of your mental illness).
Sounds like you are going to wind up getting hooked on the kratom. Shame that you started using that stuff in the first place. Doesn't really seem to work for the migraines. As for ron being an actual decent person right now. I look for that to change if not by thins evening but by tomorrow.
I am not worried, a couple doses in one day are not going to kill me. I will write more on this in a bit.
One thing you all might consider: I have no role model for a healthy relationship. None. So I am figuring this out as I go along.
Which is one reason I will take a long break after Ron dies. From men. Friends, yes, I like men as friends, women not so much because I have encountered a lot of backstabbing and just weird stuff.
But no romantic relationships for a good while, as I get my head together. I admit I will need it and I don't want another unhealthy relationship.
On a side note, the most appealing "other man" I ever met told me all about how he bottle fed neonatal kittens and "stimulated" them. That's the kind of guy I want.
But if you have no role model, haven’t you realized by now this isn’t healthy?
You need to talk to your therapist ASAP. Been reading since day one (raptureready represent)—you’ve never been this bad before or this irrational. Get help ASAP.
My therapist? Which one? The alcoholic who would tell us about his benders on my clock? He was 2005. Couldn't see I was bipolar. Kept bragging how he had adopted a black kid so he could "relate" to Ron?
Ron and I weren't very cohesive at the time but we did agree HE had to go. And he wanted $90 an hour, and that was 20 years ago.
Tried to get on with the non profit therapy agency, that didn't work at all. Oh, and the county - oh, that was SPECIAL. They made me do hours of paperwork and an exhaustive interview and then "lost the data".
I have a medical doctor who checks on side effects and writes prescriptions. I will mention people are worried I am still with Ron because that is pretty much the argument, yes? He knows Ron is an alcoholic and verbally abusive,and I am still with him. He is concerned for the both of us but not to "action" levels. And HE is a good guy.
Roll model? lol My dad was married four times, my mom twice and in her 40's decided she was gay. I was married twice, first was a gambler, the second an alcoholic. I've been single for 40 years, raised a son who treats me and his wife like queens. He's a wonderful father and he had no stable male roll model.
When I was five my step fathers family beat my mom almost to death, left her in the bath tub bleeding, I was the one to use the phone to call for help! I admit you're one up on me because you're bipolar, but I have many more stories of my life just as horrific. Your excuses are piling up, but that's all they are.
I am not seeking your approval or endorsement or whatever it is you think I want. I'm not bending over here so you can kick my butt on a regular basis.
No. I am done trying to justify/excuse/whatever it is you think I am doing that you can THROW ROCKS at on a regular basis.
I am trying to live my life and take care of my husband and cats. That is all. I don't need or want readers' approval.
Most people would have said, I'm sorry that happened to you. But, you turned it around as an attack on you.
All I'm trying to say is: It doesn't matter where you've been, it's where you're going!
I get a lot of flack on here, judgement, attacks, back seat driving. Remember much of last week was sleep deprivation + bad behavior from him + a migraine on one day. I may have been a little raw.
And I don't even publish all the comments.
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