I have been having dreams, nightmares really, where I am taking care of Ron again. They are exhausting and terrifying, the weight of responsibility suffocating. I can only conclude it is my mind's way of saying I'm not ready for that again. Which is necessary to know.
Yesterday a man came into the store and my recently (last year) widowed co worker helped him. He was very tall, she is tall for a woman so they had that in common. She said later she liked him. He actually came back to her later and said he would be back. She said he was "very handsome"and she liked him, so who knows where that will lead? But I'm not ready for that, I'm scarred. Not scared, scarred.
I am not saying "never" at this point because I want to be in God's will for me whatever that is. But I am not ready yet, not by a longshot.
I woke up with a nasty headache today as well but managed to beat it back with Excedrin at 3 AM. You know it is bad when I am reaching for Excedrin at 3.
I am well aware I could REALLY use some counseling. I have been through a lot, an abusive marriage, failing business, caregiving and then finding him dead which was a much bigger shock than I thought it would be. Then months of waiting on cause of death and finding out he had Alzheimer's on my anniversary. That's a lot.
Maybe I need to upgrade my computer (windows 7), get a new keyboard (!) and do some of the online counseling. I don't know.
I didn't hear from my aunt yesterday, normally we text a little. I am just assuming she is busy with her 9 grandkids. Correction, she did message me back.
So I am left thinking about my eating plan. I am stuck around 183, this is eating 2 slices of keto bread at lunch every day.
I wonder if I should just accept where I am right now and focus on keeping that, or focus on losing the last 20 pounds? I don't think I will look "hot" even at goal but I will look better - but then again I'm not looking to impress any men. I do snack when I get home from work and I am pretty sure that is the problem.
That's it for now.
1 comment:
Most big employers offer a certain number of free therapy sessions for employees. I looked it up for Walmart, they call their program "Resources for Living" and it's available for all employees (not just benefited employees.) I'm looking at the website now and it says "you and your family members can each get unlimited phone support anytime, and up to 10 face-to-face sessions with a local licensed mental health therapist, or 10 weeks of chat-based therapy."
Just a thought, if you are interested in talking to a therapist.
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