Me and food

 I have a complicated relationship with food.  I was, well, starved at times as a baby and toddler due to my mothers neglect.  I was undersized and underweight even after a couple years in Dad's care.  So getting on the scale gaining weight was a great thing.  Then I hit puberty.

I would get comments like "If you drink that milk (my favorite snack) you'll be as big as a barn one day!"  Really?  SKIM milk?  I weighed 120 pounds all through my teens at five foot seven.  But always with the comments about my weight, being called "fat", etc.  A lot of it is cultural in America we hold women up to an unrealistic standard.

Ron didn't like me so thin.  Normally I do not talk about my sex life, when I had one, but he used to - and said this up until he died, that it was uncomfortable making love to me at that weight.  I was too thin, "It hurt"

There were also a lot of bizarre rules growing up about what foods I was "allowed" to eat so I went a little crazy with Ron once I could eat whatever I wanted.  

But he started getting a little nervous once I got up around 150.  Then he said he would leave me if I got fat.  We had a lot of fights over it and I got a lot of verbal abuse over it.  And you have never seen the kind of abuse I got when I did lose the weight as he felt incredibly threatened.  So I gained it back.

And I had problems with exercise bulimia and was working out 2 hours a day for a while.

Lets not forget my medication as well.  Like my doctor says, "You gain weight on this stuff, you don't lose it."  But I have, in spite of everything.

I get down on myself for my eating plan and not yet at goal.  But I have come a long way.