Wednesday morning

 I woke up a couple of times but slept OK.  I need to remember to try the passionflower tea before bed.  That is supposed to help with sleep.  I am very careful with caffeine.  The other tea helped the nausea; I also had some saltines.  I don't normally do saltines but it helped; glad I have them.

I drank the rest of the tea this morning.  Pretty badly depressed today!  So I got smart and called Doc, not because I'm depressed (that is going to happen no matter what I take or do), and set up a phone appointment for a couple of weeks.  I have 3 days off in a row coming up so I can hopefully do that.  Anyway I will let him know I am having problems with depression but dude, my husband died, big job changes, tight budget, having to ride public transit to work and pay for rides, 2 cats died...there is a lot going on so I think he would be worried if I WEREN'T depressed.  And writing it out it's like, duh, of course.  So there's that.  

And I did my God Time.  I haven't done the intercessory prayer in a while and I need to figure that out.  I don't think I'm up for plowing through the huge notebook anymore.  At least not for a while yet.  But I feel like I need to do something, this is one of the only things I'm going to take out of my life.  

But I feel a little bit like one of those ropes you see tested, where they pull and pull and twist on it, trying to get it to break, and it streeeetches....and you wonder when it's going to snap.  I can't carry any of this on my own I am leaving it up to God.  I need to focus on leaving things in His lap and not trying the whole Pride thing, doing for myself, because that way I will snap.  

And I have no idea who reads this so maybe it will help you in your life, I hope so.  That's why I started the blog, to have a voice for people who were actually managing their bipolar disorder and taking medication as directed, trying to live a "boring" stable life.  And that's my goal.  And serve God however He wants.  

So Doc may be out of town in 2 weeks we will see, she asked about 3 weeks and I had to say I don't know my schedule, I work at Walmart.  "Oh".  Not like old days!  I could set up pretty much any appointment and then work my work schedule around it.  I will figure it out.  

Years ago I did ask Doc for an extra 3 month refill and he gave it, I got it filled, so if it takes a little while getting the visit I will be OK, which is why we did the refill.  You don't want to play with medication for this illness.  You really don't.  

Years ago I had a week long migraine resulting from eating a small brownie on my anniversary, no less.  I was vomiting in a bucket for a week trying desperately to hold down small sips of water, barely able to drag myself to the toilet now and then.  I don't know how Ron cared for himself but he ate something and got himself to the bathroom the whole week unassisted.  Thank God.  I could not eat, much less take my medication, and I could literally feel myself unraveling it was horrible.  At the end of the week I ate something and gagged down a whole day's worth of pills.  It was too soon, I had a lot of gastric irritation for a couple of weeks, but it was on board, and I immediately felt better once it kicked in.  

I don't take anything addictive; an antidepressant, 2 mood stabilizers, and one medication that is also helpful for my condition.  That's it.  

One thing I plan to do pretty quick is do up a couple weeks of medication in my pill organizer.   Done.  

And my antidepressant has kicked in enough I can face the day; but not necessarily going out.  That's better than nothing.