Tuesday morning

 I slept great, woke up ready to hit my God Time, I was really happy about that.  I want to have a passion for God.  My Dad says I do but I feel I could do more.  He is my main squeeze and I want to keep it that way.  

Bad times come you either run to God, or from him.  I made a deliberate decision to run to Him when I found Ron dead; and God has handled me very well.  I have 8 different meat items just in my fridge, intact in their packaging.  He gave me a job I like, most of the time, hours I could actually work.  Good bus drivers and friends to give me rides home late at night.  Just a few examples.  

I mean, I found my husband dead and got laid off 3 days later.  HOW do I handle that on my own?  My answer, I don't, I hucked all that into God's lap and focused on my grief process.  Hopefully this whole year has driven me closer to God.  

I know at least one of you had a horrific, unspeakable, childhood.  You have chosen to believe God can't love you if He allowed that.  I accept that, I hurt for you, no one should have had to deal with that.  He does love you and all things can work for good if we seek Him.  But you are not there yet, I accept that and I'm praying.  You are at least reading about my life which is a start and hopefully seeing God's provision has got you thinking, just a little bit?  Maybe He's not so bad?  I am not an apologist for God but I do love Him and I want everyone to have a relationship with Him.  There is such a peace in knowing I don't have to carry my burdens, He has my back.  I want that for everyone.  I was very angry at God for a couple years in my late teens because He allowed some unfairness in my life, I couldn't see how a God who loved me could allow all that to happen to someone who was DEVOTED to him, to the point I carried my Bible to school every day until it was stolen...but that's another story.  But it all worked for good in the end and some of the people who hurt me have been my biggest helpers today.  

So I did my God Time.  I need to figure out my prayer life.  I ask God for things for me, and others on occasion, but I need to formalize something for the intercessory prayer.  I have a whole notebook and I would go through exhaustive lists of prayer requests but that is (to be honest) too hard these days.  But I feel like I need to do something.  I will try to figure that out today.  

I need to do my dishes and start some cooking today.  I need at least 5 meals for work next week.  Good meals, something that will fill me up.  I am thinking meat + a side of lentils and rice.  I know I need to cook my breakfast chops which plan to go for (gasp) breakfast every day along with a couple of fried eggs.  I have a thing about getting hungry at work I worry about that.  I mean, I work at a grocery store but I still worry.  It's not logical, I know, but I have a nice lunch bag (wasn't cheap) and some ice packs.  We have fridges at work but they are always stuffed and one of them the door doesn't close all the way.  Plus there may or may not be an - issue with visitors in the breakroom.  The store sprays for them but they keep coming back.  I think it goes back to working in the grocery store hitch hikers come in with the merchandise.  

But that shouldn't take too long.  On an unrelated note the roasted chickpeas are pretty good so I plan to get more one day.  They are far cheaper at the import grocery than Amazon (almost $20 a bag cheaper 😲) and a $3.50 bag lasts for about 10, half cup, snacks.  That is a really good deal.  And they are just the bean and some salt so no weird crap.  A lot healthier than the chips.  

I am really focusing on overall health.  If I get really sick I could lose everything.  I have to stay healthy.  

So I saw the boys this morning but not Cleo yet.  But Cleo has street smarts so not worried about her.  She would never approach a stranger.  Probably out in the backyard.  Speaking of the yard no rain I am getting aggravated with the weather people.  I only have a couple days off a week... 

Now I used to work just a few days a week doing the vending but I was on call for Ron 24/7.  And the last year or so I couldn't really leave him.  One time I went to Walmart and came home to find him on the floor by the toilet.  That's when we went to the toilet chair by his bed.  Ron always had a lot of trouble with transfers, in/out of wheelchair in/out of cars, in/out of other places.  He used to get out of his wheelchair to ride on paratransit but that got really bad and we agreed to just leave him in the wheelchair for the trip.  He hated riding in the back but had a dead terror of falls especially in public.  It was bad enough he had to be picked up 3 times he didn't want any more.  I am glad he is in his perfect body now.  

I am also happy to hear my Dad is working out more.  He is 80 and overall in very good shape, but has some trouble getting up.  But he walks on a treadmill a few times a week so that's a good start.  I would love to see him do some dumbbell strength training but that's not going to happen.  But he is doing much better than people half his age.  It is good to see I have the genetics to age pretty well.  At least on his side.  My mother died not much older than I am now.  But she had pretty bad arthritis.  

Anyway the dishes are not going to do themselves so I had better get going on that.