Wednesday afternoon

I had a decent nap but lost it (for me) during a TV show wedding.  But I remind myself, and not sure if I said this already, with all that has happened to me I would be a psychopath if I wasn't grieving.  I keep thinking "I knew Ron was in decline, I was mourning a lot of losses for the last several years, I should be over it already" and I'm not.  

Do I need counseling?  I would certainly benefit.  But 2003 was pretty awful too, Ron got hurt, my grandmother died, I found out my mother died, and I lost 2 cats.  I got through that.  

Still I might look into it if I can figure out how to do the webcam on Windows 7.  

I got an invitation to a community BBQ they had a picture of brisket and links on the invite.  Free, I assume, the community has done something every year since I moved here. BUT I helped Ron study for two food safety permits and that really ruined me for potlucks/group food sort of things.  Free smoked meat, delicious as I'm sure it may be, vs. days on the toilet and losing time from work?  No thanks.  

Besides I think I have a BBQ thing in the freezer I will likely try for dinner.  Frozen BBQ pulled pork if I remember correctly.  I will probably have an avalanche trying to get it out but it sounds good, I was wondering what to have.  I have found with my brain I need to have some really delicious and easy to prepare ready made foods on hand for depression days.  

I am so glad I never had a child to suffer with this.  That would just kill me.  Because what I have is hugely genetic you can go back generations on both sides.  I remember my aunt telling me all the family members who committed suicide and I was just gaping.  I don't blame my parents but I would have definitely blamed myself.  

It would be nice to have a piece of Ron running around to give me a hug now and then but not at the cost...

I found some wet clothes in the dryer, still smelled OK but can't remember when I put them in there, so I washed them again.  I didn't have a whole lot of new dirty clothes but I wanted it all washed.  I also threw some baking soda in there to keep everything fresh.  

When Ron was at his worst, bed-bound, I had a special formula.  I would strip, say, dirty clothes (he wouldn't let me change his shirt very often, and he didn't wear pants), dirty bedding (could be peed on or just soiled in some other way, even just sweat), throw that in the wash with 1/4 cup each: borax, baking soda, and washing soda.  That plus however many detergent packs I needed to make the load (3-4 for a big load) and run it on soak, then after that finished run it on wash and everything was as good as new.  No odor, no stains, so I am a big fan of baking soda because those dirty t shirts would reek of alcohol and old sweat when I put them in there.  I didn't use a whole lot, either, didn't need it.  So I have had the same large box for years now.  

I actually like doing laundry.  Not so crazy about putting it away, though.  My aunt gave me a small bottle of dish liquid so I plan to carry that to work and use it to wash out my work dishes at work.  Nothing more depressing than coming home from a long day at work and having to do more dishes.  

I am waiting on my rice strainer and then I will cook it, then dish it up and mix it with some beans.  I like canned garbanzos and dark red kidney beans, they are good together.  That is a good meal.  I will take some meat + rice from the freezer just in case I do get hungry.  And bring some work snacks also, the chiky cookies and the cheese on whole wheat crackers that happily came back to work (had been gone for over a year).  

I noticed the store was a lot better stocked when I shopped on Sunday night.  Hopefully inflated prices = better stock if I have to deal with inflation.  

I talked to my sister she is getting another operation, but not a major one.  She has always had health problems.  Other than that she is doing OK and her cat is fine.  

I talked to my aunt a little but she was distracted watching 2 grand kids.  It sounds like her boys, their wives, and the kids are all good though.  She found a nice walking trail near her home so they can go walking every day; one thing I think has helped them stay so healthy.  

Budget looks pretty good, enough to pay for Doc.  Doc has not charged me for visits since COVID hit but his assistant did ask for payment info.  I gave it to her and wrote it into my budget.  He works, the girls (office staff) work, they deserve to be paid.  And then even after the prescriptions I am still doing OK.  Last time I got them 4 of them were $75 for 3 months.  

And I did up my pills for 3 weeks.  I also put some night time pills in baggies I can stick in my lunch, so I can take my evening meds at work, on my lunch.  Only problem with that I get a little thirsty but I don't like eating again when I get home.  I am bad about forgetting to take the pills to work when I work nights.  

Does it count as working nights if I'm off at 10?  I don't know.  But if I work late I want to have everything on board, and if I am a little fragile right now I need to be proactive.  

That's it for now.  Biscuit is passed out on the couch I don't know where the other cats are.