Tuesday afternoon

 I will remind a certain party I will delete abusive comments.  God is sovereign; I am moderator.  

All I will say.  While I did get a tax refund I intend to use it for emergencies and not day to day stuff.  That's just smart.  And my day to day budget is pretty lean sorry if that offends you.  😂.  When "we" had money in the past we ate out a lot which I always felt was a waste but Ron wanted to do it.  And when I was depressed I sure didn't want to do meal prep.  I have a modest income and I see this as living within my means.  

Re: clothes I now have a decent amount which I plan to enjoy.  I am not obsessed with weight loss, my goal is to eat more unprocessed foods and minimal things like McDonald's.  I am not gaining, eating this way, so I am happy.  I am still figuring out my diet.  

I am catching up on my dishes and I made some tea which, again, made me very queasy.  I may need to cut back on the tea.  Ugh.  Or not drink it on an empty stomach.  I will maybe make a note and put it on the box of tea.  That's an easy fix.  

Since it is my house I can leave a note on the cabinet if I want.  Ugh.  I am about halfway through the dishes.  I am debating if I want to do some cooking tonight or not.  

I need to get that rice strainer from Amazon, that is one thing I will spend refund money on as I am cooking a lot of rice lately.  It goes well with some beans for my lunch.  I found one for $10 it has good reviews.  

Too much starch in the rice makes a mess when I cook it.  I am tired of that and I even had some on the floor under the counter (almost slipped and broke my neck!) last time.  

Tomorrow I need to sweep and mop.  Do some laundry.  I will get it.  I think I will have coffee in the morning for my caffeine, though.  My stomach has to deal with some very toxic medication so I am actually impressed the poor thing does as well as it does.  

Re: toxic effects from medication I would have been dead in 2006 without my medication so every day is a gift.  I don't look at it as "I am owed 85 years" but I will live out my allotted days.  I get to determine the quality of those days to some extent; good food choices and exercise vs. sedentary life stuffing my face with high fructose corn syrup and MSG.  I can prevent or delay diabetes, etc.  Ron was meant to die at 66 but some of his choices when he was well contributed to a lot of suffering the last 20 years.  Not victim blaming but the man NEVER ate a vegetable, had 10-12 shots of vodka a day, etc.  

And, knowing my Dad is a type 2 diabetic, I need to be smart.  My mother also had terrible arthritis so I think that goes to wheat and other food choices.  I know I have a lot fewer aches and pains since I cut out most of the wheat.  That's going to really influence quality of life.  

But the medication stays, toxic as it may be.  I am OK with that.  The "bad" one can cause digestive trouble and kidney issues but I am monitored.  Another one can cause liver issues but again that is checked.  And it works pretty well for mood and all.  

I am going to check the mail.  It has been overcast all day but not "bad".  I got a credit card offer (not interested, I have 2), a gift statement from a charity (that sent me a nasty email when I had to stop donating), and a brochure about a new Scripture journal from Church source.  I am not interested in that.  I just do my "read your Bible in a year" plan every day along with some devotionals.  

This morning I had a little bit of a dilemma about my clothes.  I wear oversized t shirts, do that every day of the year.  But what to wear on the lower half?  I did wear those slip on shoes I have mentioned.  

I was getting a ride from a married man and did not want to ever be thought of as sending the wrong message.  I would have dressed the same if he had been single: no perfume, comfortable, loose fitting jeans.  And the baggy t-shirt.  

I had some shorts I generally wear on my day off.  They go about halfway to 3/4 of the way down my thigh but I just feel like I need to be more conservative.  If that means dressing "old" so be it.  I just want to be very clear in the message I am sending.  Now, when I got home, you can bet I put on my baggy knit shorts.  And I am still in them.  But I just want to be careful.  

Now, on a day off I would have no problem wearing bermuda shorts on the bus to run an errand.  I just want to be careful about the message I am sending.  It is hard to take back a wrong impression.  And I am not looking for a man.  I have Him, that's all I need for now.  And the boys, who can forget sweet Biscuit and Spotty?  Do I have a heart emoji?  💜💜

So that's my thinking.  You may laugh but I'm the old widow lady I am entitled to dress like a frump if I want.  One reason I am not really focused on weight loss per se because I am not interested in showing off my body right now.  What message am I sending?  

Am I buying a burqua?  No.  Am I going to wear a head scarf like some of my coworkers?  No.  Am I only going out in public with a male family member?  No.  So I'm conservative but not that far.  

And I just don't see a benefit to showing it all off right now.  If I remarry I could see having a form fitting outfit when he came home from work and serve him his dinner with a smile...but wearing it out in public less likely.  

Ugh I really am horribly queasy.  I need to remember this about the tea.  That's it for now.