First thing: having a real hard time with depression.
It hasn't been an easy day. No, I didn't work. It was a nice day. I got a nap. The kitten loves me because she got her MILK? - that's how I say it for her.
She's actually asleep on the couch behind me.
In so many ways, I have a lovely life. I have a nice little house, a quiet neighborhood, good neighbors, a good job I enjoy, someone to love, 2 cats, a good support system... but oh, right now I just want to crawl into a ball and END.
No, I'm not going to do anything. I'm not thinking about that - that's an interesting fact. Lithium doesn't help with bipolar depression, but it takes away the suicidal. That's pretty cool.
God made a whole element just for poor bastards like me.
Some of this, I think is post-handout demonic attack. Some of it is to keep me humble, my eyes on God, realizing I can only do things in His strength.
Then I watched Disaster Preppers for a while. It made me even more depressed. I get the nature of prepping is survival - for oneself and loved ones. But to hear "Anyone else will just take away my food" and hearing the guy go on about poisoning some of his food storage - sad. So selfish.
Which got me thinking about my own preps. Last year, I bought a 50 pound sack of wheat. I packaged it up in one-gallon mylar, with a few bags of beans per mylar. Well, wheat's been bothering me. Looks like I have some preps to share with the neighbors, or for people stuck here after the Rapture (I really think that's who will get my preps).
I do have some rice, so I won't starve. But I am thinking about getting a sack of whole grain oats.
I mentioned, on Facebook, I had given up wheat and I had a lot less nausea. I thought it was great. Instead, someone went on about "You were doing so well, why did you go off low carb?"
Well, let's see, on top of being crazy my husband developed a major alcoholism. Things got a little whack! I figured, if he can indulge his addiction, I can indulge mine; and it did make me feel better for a while.
Ron got completely hateful about my weight for a while, and I didn't want to "reward" him by losing it, especially because he was using very dirty fighting. Yes, I will work on his gripes, but not if he's trying to manipulate me.
One gift of my illness, I forget a lot, but he had said something about "Deserving better than a fat wife". I wasn't about to go on low carb induction the next day - he'd think I agreed with him!
When I got to the point where I could do something, my lithium level bottomed out and I had to get my illness back on track. Yes, it is very easy for other people to judge what I should or shouldn't be doing. They have no experience in living my life; caregiving for a very physically disabled alcoholic, managing my own brain damage and severe mental illness, battling many side effects, including profound fatigue from my medication. They are used to normal people, normal lives. That's not me.
Have you noticed? It really, really, pisses me off when people tell me I "should" be doing this or that. You don't know my life - you don't HAVE my life! You have no idea what I can or can't do!
I thought I would have to leave him. I was looking for jobs, for apartments, and trying to sign him up for Intervention. When does the workout come in? The cooking up all my meals at once, oh, wait, I can't do that because Ron is drunk every afternoon and staggers around our very small kitchen, mixing drinks for himself.
I think it is fantastic that I only gained weight. I could have started cutting. I could have attempted suicide. I could have gotten hooked on something. But I didn't - I ate carbs. So shoot me.
Even before I read that, I was having a hard time. Sitting around the house eating generic Corn Pops, watching TV, and trying to sleep the depression away. However, the neighbor is still working on his addition so they woke me up around 3.
I'm still alive, I took my pills today. I did laundry, cleaned up, de-hoarded, took care of the cats and Ron, and did some dishes. I took out the trash, and converted clutter into trash. I didn't yell at anyone, did my God Time, prayed for everyone, even you, and tried to love myself.
It's hard to love myself when depression comes.
3 comments:
We do have your life Heather you are not alone. We are truly many of us dealing with exactly what you do, but under different circumstances. That is why some of us look through the index to find others who suffer from mental illness.
Plus you are doing really wellUs when I have read your bloa bin the past you wrote about having " had" depression. Now you are blogging about it during a depression.
Yeah, lately it's been a month depressed, a month manic. Manias, controlled, are great. Lots of energy and motivation - but not for long. I had a nice month long mania and got a lot done, now I wonder how long i'll be depressed.
God, please not a month.
I think that you do WONDERFULLY Heather, when I get my little mini-depressions or episodes of apathy and lethargy or whatever they are, I just don't do anything, I don't even try. I read, veg, watch silent movies, and ride it out till it's over. They don't last a month, granted, but while they do last, whatever the period, I do NOTHING. Reading what you say about the things you DO do during your depression makes me think, "if she calls this doing nothing, she must be a perpetual-motion machine when she's not depressed, Lol".
It's just a middle-aged retired couple and 5 dogs here, and I've been an*l since birth (something about being the oldest daughter of 10 kids, I think, none of my sisters or brothers are like me in this) about being tidy and organised, so things don't really get out of hand anyway, but if they did, I don't know what I'd do, because what you seem to consider doing "nothing" sounds like a full schedule to me :) Heather, you really are inspirational! I may never do what you do, but you're one of the best reasons I've come across yet for not being able to try to give myself excuses for not "just doing it"!
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