You know, I'd love to put me out there as a rightous, good, spiritual person. But, the honest truth is I fail, often.
Example, last night. Ron was drunk and in pain from neuropathy. He kept groaning.
[I gave this post a lot of thought because it could be used against me]
I had an irresistable urge to yell SHUT UP. I got so sick of it. Groan. Moan. Muttering. He fell a couple times. Woke me up at least a dozen times.
[Media player just cued up "Monkey" by George Michael. Appropriate. You might think I have problems with a bisexual artist. Not really. He was always very open that he'd "do" anything. I find that a lot more honest than the artists who "come out" after making their millions.
I love "Monkey" because it talks about the pain of loving someone with an addiction. ]
I had gone to such pains to have a pleasant night, last night. I had a nice candle lit. I sprayed my favorite air freshener. I made sure the bed was nice and comfy, with all my blankets, and I ended up throwing them off in annoyance as I kept yelling at Ron to be quiet.
I finally shut his bedroom door. What I found really exasperating, the minute, and I mean the minute I finally got up, he went to sleep and snored for hours. Agh.
I've asked him if he wants to see a doctor about the neuropathy. No. I've asked him if he'd like to go a pain clinic. No. Try out a TENS unit? No.
He doesn't want to do that. He wants to lie in bed and groan all night.
Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful he's staying away from pain pills. Pain meds and alcohol kill. If he has to drink he needs to play keep away.
I've been called a martyr, and they aren't wrong. I do tend to martyr myself. But Ron's got me beat all to hell and back.
He has a sore throat today, so we're staying home. I have a sore throat, too. I'm doing what I think will help, lots of whey protien shakes, vitamins, and a few herbal things I find helpful for fighting viruses. I need to drink more water, though.
Days like today I realize my soul has a long way to go. God has to fill me up with His love and mercy, because I just don't have it sometimes.
"Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy" Matthew 5:7
2 comments:
Jillian again here. Heather , it's totally normal to feel frustrated, annoyed an angry with Ron's behaviour. Living with an addict is a huge cross to bear sometimes and God is aware of your challenges . If Ron is being too noisy I don't see what's wrong with telling him to be quiet; his behaviour affects you and telling him that is ok! If he refuses to do anything about his neuropathy, you're right... Nothing you can do, but setting boundaries for what is acceptable behaviour is healthy.
I found it "ironical" - in addition to your post, Jillian, I also had a spam for Vicodin. They must have a bot or something.
I have a friend very into essential oils - uses them as a treatment for everything. She swears lavender is good for pain; Ron finally "let" me spray him with some lavender oil diluted in witch hazel. He seems to be sleeping OK now, but I think that has more to do with the alcohol.
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