Everyone has their something

I'd like to think I'm better about my depression. 

Example: I have a nice candle lit, playing "Evacuate the Dancefloor" for the dozenth time tonight.  Why?  It makes me happy. 

God doesn't want me to suffer needlessly.  Yeah, my depression renders me able to do the work I need to do, and keeps me leaning on Him.  I trust Him for everything as a result of my illness.  I will never complain about that. 

Even the apostle Paul had a "thorn in the flesh" (commentators think it was a nasty eye condition); he begged God to remove it, but God said "My strength is made perfect in weakness".  As a result, Paul resolved to "Glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest more fully on me" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). 

So, I'm crying in front of my screen, listening to dance tunes, happy my cat likes his Christmas dinner - I put straight kitten food in the feeder instead of the half-and-half.  Bubba just rejected treats to eat it. 

Do I want this illness?  Hell, no.  That's why I never had children.  In my family, mental illness is highly inheritable and I didn't want them to get the "gift".  Oh, I'd want to die if they did.  I won't put my child through this hell.  I'd rather die childless. 

I'm not the only one suffering.  I've come to a conclusion recently.  If someone isn't having money problems, they are having health or relationship problems.  Sometimes all of the above.  It may be a problem child.  It may be a chronic, debilitating health condition.  It may be depression, or ADD.  But it's something - everyone has their something that plaugues them and makes them cry. 

I am absolutely not the only one in pain tonight.  One friend is facing what could be the imminent death of her husband.  One friend has a daughter addicted to drugs, in treatment.  Many are sick with horrible viruses. Some have sick children.  People are laid off and facing foreclosure. 

So, I have mental illness, an alcoholic husband, and money troubles.  It's like the cartoon, it shows 3 corners of a triangle.  One is kids.  One is clean house.  One is sanity.  The caption says "Pick 2".  These are the three I've got. 

So how do I cope?  Being nice to myself, when depressed, would seem to be the logical answer, but when I'm depressed I don't think I deserve it.  Being nice can also involve effort I may not be able to put out. 

If I can't drag myself into the shower, a bath is probably out of the question.  Cooking myself a nice meal is also out. 

What can I do, is a better question.   Today, I bought myself easy foods.  Corn based cereal, and a gallon of milk.  It will get me through the depression, on those times I just can't fix a meal.  When I was manic, I cooked up a lot of hamburger meat and froze it.  All I need to do is warm it up and throw it in a tortilla (which I have) with some shredded cheese (check).  I've got eggs if I can cook. 

I bought us a large pepperoni pizza for dinner tomorrow.  I just throw it in the oven.  Ron doesn't want me to use the oven when it's warm, but it will be cold tomorrow.  So, pizza for dinner, and no delivery.  It's good pizza, too. 

I am really terrible about feeding myself when depressed, so this is big.  I can burn nice smelling things, like the rose incense I love and my wonderful "True Rose" Yankee Candle.  I've been burning it off and on for  a month now and I still have plenty of candle left, about 3/4. 

I can put on my favorite turquoise plaid housecoat. and wear that when I'm at home.  When I had a little mania over the weekend, I washed all the bedding and made my bed.  It's full of wonderful, cozy, layers. 

I can listen to the music I love.  I already paid for it - and listening to music is proven to help with depression.  I can practice my faith, doing my God time and maybe a little extra Bible study.  It says in the Bible if I ask God for help in understanding He will give it (James 1:5), so even if I'm having some brain fog I can still read my Bible.  I'll get something out of it. 

And, I think, I will buy a few of those prison Bibles for the guys who robbed us.  I have a strong feeling they will be caught. 

I can also accept it has been a HELL of a month.  Things will get better.  God loves me.  He has everything planned out - I just need to seek His will on it every day.