Planning the handouts

Tomorrow, I'm doing a Bible Handout. 

I think it might give you a perspective on my life if I share what happened tonight.  Ron was drinking grain alcohol, the 100% alcohol stuff. 

He was very gloomy and distraught.  I realized, so many people are hurting tonight. 

God just put it in my head "Do the Handout".  So, I will.  On the bus.  Probably a good thing. 

Ron became very derisive.  He accused me of doing it as a "works" thing.  Saying I was trying to earn my way into heaven.  I can't do that - even if I wanted to.  I don't care about rewards.  I care about hurting people out there tonight, who need Jesus. 

I told Ron the truth, the same thing I tell people who ask:  I'm doing this so people have what I do, faith in God, and comfort in knowing He loves us. 

Ron then began calling my faith a "crutch" and worse, implying I only loved God because I have mental illness.  I don't have to defend myself to Ron, especially when he's drinking.  So, I didn't.  He went on and on, running my faith down, running God down. 

My favorite "God's going to let you die, and I'll end up in assisted living".    Then he added he loved me and didn't want to lose me, but I had to wonder if he'd still say that if I couldn't move or see.  "How many Tylenol would it take to kill myself? [I told him the truth, I didn't know] No, I won't do it, I just wonder."  Stuff designed to scare me, like that.  It makes me want to go slap him.  God will deal with him. 

If he does anything stupid of course I'm calling 911.  He's just angry he "has to live".  God won't answer all his existential questions - I guess he didn't grasp the whole faith concept.  So God is this, and that, and the other, and your dog too while I'm at it. 

If Ron didn't drink, I think antidepressants would be hugely helpful.  He has been clinically depressed for pretty much the entire time I've known him. 

I call it "The usual".  This is one thing the devil uses to try to drag me down.  Happily I am running a little manic tonight so it doesn't faze me but who needs that stuff - ever?   He doesn't want help.  He doesn't want comfort.  He just wants to dump dump dump on me until I tell him to stop, then he yells at God because I don't "love" him. 

So, I put on my headphones.  He can talk all he wants but I can't hear him. 

So, something like that goes into pretty much every Bible Handout.  Hassles - grief- aggravation - verbal abuse - thefts at work - thefts at home - illness - exacerbations of the bipolar - house problems - cat problems. 

I'm not sitting on my rose petal pillow in sunshine land planning the handouts.