I have a dreadful headache. I can't decide if it's a result of stress, something I ate, or both. I just know my head hurts. I tried to lie down for a while, Ron had a noisy phone call. Then the neighbor kids came out to play. They are very happy children. Happy, noisy, children. Kind of impossible to sleep with that.
Don't get me wrong; Ron and I lived next to people who beat their family members. One lady beat her children. We could hear them crying and screaming (yes, we called CPS), nearly ever day. I'm glad to live next to a happy family - when my meds are right.
Speaking of, I did take everything as directed so it's not really that. I think most of my mood is just caregiver burnout + depression. I feel like nothing I do for Ron has any positive feedback. He loves me. Great. But he's drinking himself to death.
He doesn't realize, and won't hear, that the neuropathy is his body's way of screaming at him to stop drinking, please. I beg him to see a doctor, he refuses, and washes down another couple tylenol with some Everclear (apparently he still has some, or bought some, unclear on that).
I'm getting scared. When we joined the blind vendor program, he filled out life insurance paperwork. I'm going to ask him to switch the beneficiary to me. He had set it as his parents, who are in a nursing home. He made them beneficiaries because he felt they would want to have a lavish funeral - not that he wanted one, and he wanted them to "be comfortable". Well, they told him not to visit anymore. Never answered his calls (when he called on my phone they picked right up, once). Never called him.
If he's going to drink himself to death I need a liferaft. I'll talk to him about it in a day or so.
God forbid, he did die, I'm sure the church would help me out. I know my family would do what they could. One family member told me I could never work at a Christian bookstore because the "false teachers" would make me angry. She's right.
I want to get off the subject. I want to be in a place where I'm not worrying about his drinking, all the time. Where I go on and have a happy life, trusting that God will provide for my needs.
God doesn't want me to worry, the Bible is clear on that. The Holy Spirit in me reminds me that God loves Ron MUCH more than I could ever fathom. I have to give Ron to God or I'll have a nervous breakdown.
I know this, I cannot allow Ron's drinking to determine whether or not I'm having a good day. I can't allow Ron's drinking to determine how I'm walking with God. I can't allow Ron's existential questions (why me?) to erode my faith. That's what the devil wants.
Do I think I'm a great faith warrior, winning millions of souls? No, but I think I am effective enough to merit attacks. Those attacks are designed to depress me, diminish my faith, and discourage evangelism and prayer warfare (my weapons of faith). I can't allow that to happen.
I have to leave Ron in God's hands and pray for the grace to go on.
How do people handle things like this without God in their lives?
4 comments:
Heather Merry Christmas and yes pease protect yourself, get FULL power of attorney if you do not have it, become his beneficiary?
Not trying to tell you what to do, just agreeing 100%
Insight is painful, you have have mental health issues, but you have tons of insight as well.
You are one of the strongest people I read blogs of.
I do not agree with many things you say. But I admire your insight, fortitude and hope you follow through on your self protection.
Love, peace and happiness for the new year
Really? His parents are his beneficiaries? Pathetic that this man cannot do one thing for YOU.
This happened 12 years ago. He was always very protective of his parents and figured they would "need" they money because they don't believe in simple funerals, cremation, etc. They had asked him to get life insurance so when it was offered he made them the recipients.
This was before we knew about the FAS or the bipolar, and he figured I could take care of myself.
Ron had a policy that pays off the house if he dies. I just need to make sure it goes to me, 100%. Texas law says I have the right to live here until I remarry or die, but then it is split between me and Ron's family if he dies without a will.
However, Ron can be difficult if he thinks I'm trying to "manage" him. So, I'll soak it in prayer and take it from there.
If, as I believe, we are raptured it short order whoever is left here is welcome to all of our stuff.
Heather, I pray the Rapture happens first also and then it will be a moot point, but it certainly isn't right now. Not only should you be beneficiary on the sheer principle of the thing-good gravy, you're his wife!!!-but it's also an utter taking of granted of all you've carried-I know, "for better for worse for richer for poorer in sickness and in health"-but that works BOTH ways. The two people in a marriage cleave unto each other and become one, not the spouse and his parents! Not to mention you've faithfully fulfilled, and will undoubtedly continue to fulfill, your duties as his wife-and it's HIS duty as your husband to make sure, to the best of his ability, that YOU have some security if it should happen that you wind up alone before him, to put it as delicately as possible. That's the way it's supposed to work, not to mention that you've been a dutiful and caring wife and he should want to be concerned with your future welfare! It's not a "tit for tat" thing, it's him recognising his responsibility to be concerned with your welfare just as you are-to great lengths-with his!
I hope I haven't angered you, I just completely see this from your perspective, as a wife myself. A married couple's first duty-and love-is to each other! That doesn't mean shutting everyone else out, but consider this-who would HIS parents consider their first duty to be to-each other, undoubtedly!
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