Tuesday early afternoon

As you may know my (step) grandmother is in hurricane country and her home has no water, sewer, or electricity.  She is OK though staying somewhere else, I believe a hotel, and my (step) sister is with her.  So Mom and Dad are trying to coordinate everything for grandma and it has been complicated.  They had to hang up on me last night because my sister was calling and it was complicated.  That is fine, I get it.  I left the phone on.  

My aunt called and we talked some, then I went to bed.  I slept pretty well, kept waking up thirsty all night but that is standard as I am a mouth breather due to allergies (including cat, and they sleep with me).  Woke up for good around 4.  

I don't know if I told you but I had budgeted $200 for bills.  Electric was only $89 so I have enough to pay all of it out of that, credit card, gas, electric, and water.  I was worried I would have to use up my birthday money for that; instead it is likely I will end up using that for medication.  Happy birthday, you're sane.  

I did use a Walmart gift card my sister in law gave me last night for groceries.  It was very difficult reading and I almost gave up, had to get self check supervisor in there to work on it.  But she got it and my $15 groceries went off that card, leaving me $35 I can hopefully use on something fun.  

I got some guavas, a nice apple, and a cold rotisserie chicken.  I prefer to buy them cold as they are easier to transport.  And you get a lot of meat.  I can work on that and my sausage for a while.  I also bought some candy to hand out I always need that.  It was OK getting it home on the bus.  A little awkward but not overly heavy.  And I also got some of the cheap paper towels with that.  

I also got some yogurt I forgot, the whole milk greek style which I really like.  Cleo likes it too.  

Later on I will call and pay the water bill.  I am always happy to have water.  I think I will go back to bed for a while.  Did that.  This time I woke up with Cleo and Biscuit; and during my God Time Spotty showed up and got his cuddles.  He is very jealous when I give Cleo attention he will jump on her and bite her when she leaves me.  She just smacks him and does a roll pinning him under her and he yelps, she lets him up (she's a sumo wrestler).  

It is gloomy and overcast.  I opened the blinds but it's still very moody out.  

I was chatting some with the girls in my Alzheimer's widows Christian group - there is a group for everything.  I won't share what they said but I will say the longer out I go from Ron's death the more I am thinking to stay single.  I had a very toxic relationship; then his mind literally rotted away which ironically enough turned him into a sweet and loving man, but I can't do any of that again.  I can focus on making God happy like it says in the Bible, that's not a bad thing.  

Of course all that said I will probably meet someone next week and be a wife and stepmom next year.  But I hope not.  I have been through enough I feel like I need time to heal.  

I am taking today off to just rest up, do some laundry, etc.  I think I will get out of the nightgown.  My legs are hairy but I'm not going anywhere so that won't matter.  

I went with the sweats, they still fit.  I was worried they might be baggy but they're not.  Which means either I was wearing them way too tight last year... probably the case.  

They fit now though.  They are a little warmer because I am a little cold today and I don't need to turn on the heater yet.  Sweats are good for that.  And I don't need to ante up for new ones.  

My Mom took an utterly horrible photo of mine a couple weeks ago.  

Face is happy but that belly!  Oh!  So unflattering.  I will still have more belly than I'd like when I get to 170 and I will have to accept that or readjust my goal.  

So I still have work to do; that was a rude shock I thought I was looking pretty good.  But I am eating on plan again I figure it will be a couple weeks to get back down to 187, then I can lose from that downward.  

One thing Dr Atkins got wrong was the calorie counting.  He said just eat all low carb as much as you want eat all "my" frankenfoods and the pounds will melt off.  I had trouble from the start with that approach, and, on my own, found that I did better eating stuff I cooked vs. prepared foods.  I read a lot on the subject and 2 books were very helpful: Jenny Ruhl's Diets 101 and "The Secret of Low Carb Success" I don't know the author on that.  They both said you have to count calories.  And some other good tips like you will lose the most the first 2 weeks after your cycle and then it will be maintaining the next 2 weeks (that is a little iffier for me as I approach menopause), but it does apply.  

So I will hang tight.  And I am tracking calories along with my macros.  I went way off plan for a whole week, it's going to take a while to get back on plan.  

Of course everything is compounded by depression.  I am just glad I was not depressed on the visit.  Depression always has me wanting the carbs, one reason I did not buy any "bad" food.  One my grocery budget is that tight and two I don't need that in my body.  I have an apple in the fridge if I really want something.  

But God provided for my bills I literally had just enough to pay all the bills including credit card with the $200 I'd saved.  That means I have some bonus money I can use how I want.  

I won't be buying any clothes until my aunt comes down and we can go to the thrift store.  Every time I pass it on the bus it is really busy which I find so encouraging, they're going to stay in business.  But I still feel bloated.  

I plan to work on my roast chicken tonight.  I also need to start eating up the kale.  I just ate a guava yum yum.  I eat them like little bitty apples.  After I wash them.  Very tasty and only 5 grams of carbs according to Carb Manager.  I can do that anyday.  I plan to take a couple in my lunch bag for work But I'm not thinking about work today.  

Dad has said more than once the great thing about my job I can leave it behind me at work when I punch out.  And that's true.  For now I am comfortable in my little rut.  

Every now and then I choke on water it is aggravating me.  The rest of the time I am fine.  I'm not worried but my nose is still burning.  On the plus side I haven't vomited in ages (over a year) so that's good.  So not used to the burning nose.  

Wonder what that says about my tap water (just paid for another month) that it burns my nose if I cough it up.  

But I paid a lot of bills today: water, electric, credit card.  Happy about that.  And I am revamping the way I use the credit card (I never had one of my own until last year).  Cash only.  I do have the gift card for work snacks.  I think I will charge that and just use that for work snacks after the $25 is gone.  Most of the self checks do not have the ability to take cash anymore, otherwise I would just do that.  

And I'm not spending anything today I am just paying bills happy about that.  I may go out tomorrow morning we will see.  A lot of it goes to mood on my day off.  Mood tends to crash when I'm off.  If I have to go to work generally the mood is better.  

That's it for now.