Thursday morning

 I woke up a lot last night but I attribute that to 2-3 cats in my bed at all times and some squabbling in the bed between Spotty and Cleo.  He likes to be aggressive with her and then she beats him up, he runs off.  She likes Biscuit much better and they sleep together a lot.  I am sure my dour mood contributed as well, but I did appreciate the cuddles.  

I got up, house was "cold" but I am saving money so I put the space heater in the bathroom while I made the tuna salad for today and tomorrow.  I could not get the electric can opener to work so I used the manual.  I got that made up and in the fridge, got on computer for a little bit.  

I took a 100 mg caffeine tablet with my anti depressant and multi vitamin.  Doc is OK with moderate caffeine use he just said keep it under 450 mg a day so 100 is fine.  I will likely not have any more caffeine all day.  

I took my shower, a lot of hair fell out for me but it has been a few days.  I did not take a shower on my days off.  I always shower before work.  So I got clean, did not shave my legs as long pants are part of the dress code.  Some of the "girls" wear native apparel from their countries like saris and the Middle Eastern getup but always wear leggings underneath.  That seems to be OK with Personnel but I am fine with jeans.  I can wear jeans every day, and do.  I did when I visited Mom and Dad.  

Last night talking to them I told Dad I am not looking to date because I am damaged right now, there are (predators) who seek out damaged women to take advantage of, and I don't want that.  He thought that was a very wise statement.  If/when I get the depression under control I might think about dating but for now there are so many problems in a relationship, sure were with mine, addiction, cheating, abuse.  No wonder some guy from the church came to the house and told Ron he was "making" me depressed.  

As I told Ron that wasn't 100% accurate, he can contribute but my mind is going to go off the cliff even during good times.  

So I don't want to be a victim again.  People seem to respect that.  And I have a lot of baggage, my difficult marriage, my illness, my brain damage.  I can't even drive and my house is always a mess.  

I did talk to Mom and Dad last night and told them next time they want to visit I would be happy to fly out again.  They were thrilled.  Houston traffic is dreadful.  Plus flying is a pain especially for older people.  I feel pretty good about taking Southwest from Bush to Love in Dallas and then taking a plane out to CA from there.  Next time I will do more blogs.  But first I have to get through the holidays and then maybe next spring/summer.  

I don't know who I will recruit to take care of my cats but I will figure it out.  Maybe Jack will be up for that again.  I hope he is doing OK.  I hope his network is supporting him.  

I will text my cab driver buddy in an hour to confirm my ride home.  But I am sure he already has that marked down.  

I am trying to be good to myself today.  I even used conditioner in the shower this morning so it doesn't look like I spent the last couple days in a black hole of depression.  If asked I will just say I caught up on cooking and laundry.  Which is true.  

I am warm at night, I have lots of blankets and a quilt on the bed.  It is just getting out of bed that sucks.  I may need to wear something warmer to bed at night.  Happily the sweatpants I bought last year still fit great.  I just wear them around the house.  

I guess you could say work gives me a purpose in a reason to get out of bed, take a shower, get out the door every day I am on the schedule.  I am glad of that.  

I know Dad wishes I had a more prestigious job.  He liked it when I was self employed even though that was a world of headaches.  But Walmart does alright by me.  I may bitch a little but they took me in right after Ron died, lived with my grief  (I don't think I was the best employee last year), were patient with me, etc.  So I appreciate that.  

I am curious to see who will be my manager today.  I will find out when I get there.  

I'm going to go eat some pecans.   And some cheese.  All ready to go, confirmed my ride home, have the money for that in my  pocket.  Mom and Dad want a text tonight vs the phone call so I can do that.  I will get to bed earlier as a result.  

Friday night/Saturday is interesting as Saturday I don't go in until 1 PM.  So I will actually get enough sleep Friday night.  And I can take the bus in to do that, saving money.  

That's it for now.