Monday afternoon

 Got to work OK.  I brought full sized Snickers for my drivers who seemed singularly unimpressed.  Good thing I am doing it for God and not for acclaim.  They all probably think I am "rich".  😂😂

I got my phone charged OK it was 100% before I clocked in.  I had the display as maximum brightness and turned it down to 50%, interestingly enough I am getting much better battery life out of that.  Good to know.  I was able to log in and out OK.  

Boss left me alone to do my thing which I did.  She has made it clear what she wants so I did it.  I helped a lot of customers which I like.  As I was getting ready to leave a man with some obvious neurological differences (maybe autistic) asked for help with shoelaces so I walked him back.  Then I clocked out.  I bought more pinata mix as I was almost out.  

I got home quick which is great but I am really tired.  I already had some green tea and now having leaded black tea.  If I really need a boost I have some guarana tea. 

So far energy level is good, handed out about 10 bags of candy.  Saw a pug in an inmate costume.  Maybe I need to hand out cat treats to the dog.  PER VET dogs can eat cat food, but cats cannot eat dog food.  So the dog could eat a cat treat if the owner was OK with it.  

Seen some cute kids, it isn't even 7 yet I think a lot of parents want to get this over with, early.  

Cats are likely hiding under the bed as they are rescues and have met Bad Humans before.  To them every stranger is a Bad Human.  I turned off Criminal Minds as the kids don't need to see that.  

I remember I was watching TV one day and Ron walked past me into the kitchen, got a snack, walked back, stopped behind my chair for a minute.  What is that? Huh?  I replied, what do you mean?  It sounds like someone's being tortured.  Oh, they are, I replied.  Then I thought about it and turned it off.  Kids don't need to hear and see that.  

So I really don't watch any of that anymore.  I do like my fireman show but that is it.  Sometimes Blue Bloods.  

Just waiting on the kids... will roll it up at 10 PM so 3 more hours.  But if tonight goes well that is 100 kids reached, and their families possibly.  I'm going to go organize my work bag.  

Just had a Darth Vader and a Wonder Woman.  

Bad news I cannot find my pumpkin pudding recipe.  All I remember it used a lot of butter, canned pumpkin, and eggs.  But not how much.  

That said I saw an ad for a church "Harvest Fest".  First I have to tell you one reason Halloween is special to me even though I am a born again evangelical.  Dad ALWAYS got home early from work on Halloween (he worked a lot of hours) and took us trick or treating.  It was wonderful quality time which meant more to me than the candy.  

One year we did not do that and went to the church for a party again.  They had apple cider, which was OK, bobbing for apples which I didn't like, a few games, and most importantly NO CANDY.  They had a few cookies but that was it.  My older siblings declared it "lame" and all  4 kids were in agreement we never wanted to do that again and would much rather go trick or treating.  

When I was 13 I was severely depressed and did not go trick or treating which I regret now.  But overall very positive and happy memories.  Then good memories with Ron sitting off to the side listening to the little voices yelling trick or treat.  Buying the "good" candy.  Etc.  

So this is important to me even though I have worked 6 days in a row and am exhausted.  Not virtue signalling just stating a fact.  This is worth it.  And the kids are really excited when they see the candy bar.  

The only bad thing I have to keep my bra on.  I don't mind wearing the jeans but is a bra ever comfortable?  I don't think so, at least not the ones I can afford.  Normally this time of night, if I'm still awake, I am in a t shirt and sweats.  

Speaking of jeans I have a lot of laundry in my future.  I don't want to do it tonight.  

Biscuit came out from under the bed but we haven't had any kids for a while.  I am sure they are coming.  We aren't on a main street.  Ron always used to say that.  

They're coming now.  It is a mix of small toddlers and older, non-costumed, teenagers.  Everyone gets the candy at my house.  No middle aged kids this year I find that interesting.  Maybe they went to a harvest festival.  But I still have an hour and a half before I call it quits.  

How sad is it there is nothing I can watch on TV that I'd allow a small child to view.  Maybe I will sort the laundry and get it ready to go for tomorrow.  I need to look at the weather too.  

Definitely going to rain tomorrow so I will stay home and clean.  

Now that was rude, a mother and 2 kids.  Mother demanded candy for herself.  I gave it to her because it has the booklet but the mother is supposed to "check" the kids' candy, make half of it "disappear", and then eat it in the finest American tradition.  That's what my parents did.  I never got a Milky way ever.  They all went to my parents.  

Oh well.  No kids in a while it is almost 9:15.  I'm going to keep it open until 10 and then go to bed.  I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow.  

I think I'll sign off for the night.  

Monday morning

Work was fine, they had me work a couple different departments but the store got their money out of me.  It helped the boss was VERY clear on my duties in front of the girl who likes me to "help" her out.  So I could tell her, no, the boss said...

I had a good break and lunch.  Only 1 break because I worked 7 hours and got a one hour lunch.  8 hour and over I get 2 breaks which is fine.  Overall they are very good about giving breaks.  

I decided to switch Carb Manager to maintenance for the holidays.  That gives me 400 more calories a day and more grams on all my macros.  My goal is to be at or below 185 through New Year.  I did it yesterday and was 184 this morning.  I may lose anyway, we will see, I am fairly active at work, walking to the bus stop and all.  That way I have more wiggle room for my days.  

I did have one problem last night.  As you know, I have 100 full sized Snickers bar, 100 Scripture booklets, and 100 baggies.  They all need to go together in a big tote bag.  I got out my large tote bag and set it by my chair, Biscuit got in it, and hasn't left.  I may need to get another tote bag.  I will have to do up the candy when I get home from work but I arranged a ride so I should be OK.  I don't like to do it that way but it was late last night and Spotty had also gotten in my lap which also prevented me working.  Both boys were so cute I couldn't say no to them.  

I slept OK, hip bugging me some, I need to get some ginger root.  I had a horrible nightmare a coworker got murdered.  She is a very sweet girl so I hope not.  She quit so she could pursue a nursing career and she will do great, she is a very hard worker, very sweet, and smart.  Too good for the store in my opinion.  I liked her a lot and (with permission) gave her a huge hug on her last day.  

I have the last of the pot roast today.  I have found I can just have some crackers with cheese on my break at work and that holds me another 2-3 hours.  So I am just taking the pot roast and some crackers because I work 4.5 hours.  I arranged a ride home so I don't have transportation worries.  The bus would get me home 5-5:30 which is a little late to get home and do up my candy.  

I just need to get my shower.  I am not happy with my hair if I don't wash it every day, it doesn't look optimal.  I just have very oily hair at least for now.  That may change.  

2 months since I had a cycle I wonder how much longer I will go if/when I have another one.  I just wear a pad every day in case it decides to show up.  This reminds me of when I was starting out things were very erratic for a few years.  

I need to do laundry too.  I have 6 days' of clothes piled up on the floor of the laundry room.  3 pair of jeans too.  We have had cleaner people on the bus and at the transit center so I may not use the laundry sanitizer.  

I am not taking my pills to work, I can take them when I get home.  But I did take my antidepressant of course.  

I'll be back.  

Oh I just remembered yesterday I bought a frozen chub of turkey meat, but it was still cold in my lunch bag.  I hate wasting food so that would have been awful.  But it was really cold so I feel OK eating it.  That's a good lunch bag, and cold pack.  That was almost 24 hours.  

 I had a good shower.  I feel like my space heater could blow hotter but it is probably a safety feature, better than nothing.  I'm not buying a new one.  It does mostly work.  

I did my God time and ate some nuts.  I need to get dressed and do up some candy for my drivers.  I had a very rude homeless woman demanding candy on the bus yesterday.  It was unpleasant.  I did end up giving her a bag as I had extra and I figured she could use the booklet.  Hopefully I will not ride with her again.  She is new to our area.  

The way I see it, if I want to give you something I will give it to you.  Now if someone is having a diabetic episode I would be happy to give them some candy but that's about it.  I spend too much on this to just hand it out to someone who probably makes more money than I do.  I have seen "homeless" people counting a big wad of cash at the bus stop after they are done panhandling.  They generally don't bother me if they see me in uniform but I'm not wearing it to go to work right now.  

Please don't give homeless people money.  I can promise you it goes to cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs.  If you have to give them something give them some crackers or a bottle of water.  

Let me get dressed.  

I forgot to charge my cell phone last night I hope I can get it up to a decent level before I have to leave.  Biscuit is licking my cheese he apparently likes Colby.  

I have 3 bus rides, so I did 3 bags of candy with the Snickers bar and one bag with just regular candy if someone gets aggressive demanding a bag.  People on the bus are a lot scarier than people at work.  

I keep wanting to check my cell phone charge but will wait until it is almost time to go.  It was 46% this morning, I left it on the couch and did not charge it.  I was tired.  The last couple nights I have not gotten 8 hours.  I may only work 7-8 hours a day on the schedule but I have to ride the bus 2 hours and I like to arrive early because things happen on the bus.  So it's longer.  But next Wednesday should be my biggest check yet.  

In the past they have only had me work one week at a time with more hours.  This is going on week 3 I think.  I will take it, I have expenses.  Utility bills are coming due.  I have property tax to pay.  I need to get a blood test.  

Sunday morning

Bus problems so I got to work later than I would have liked, but still early.  A coworker begged me to find the boss and see if I could clock in early.  I ate my donuts and found the boss, asked, she said "Is it really that bad?"  And I said "I have never seen her so stressed."  "When do you start?"  "An hour" so she told me to clock in.  Co worker almost cried when I showed up.  So I look good to both boss, and co worker.  I didn't do it for that but it is a good benefit. 

It was very busy but it meant it went fast.  I had hoped to buy a 6 pack of Diet Dew on my last break but the lines were incredible.  So I waited until after work and then bought it, still had time to run out and catch my ride.  Got home, called Mom and Dad, went to bed.  I slept OK.  

Hard getting up today but God helped me do it.  It is also hard to get up when I have adorable, cuddly, cats in my bed.  I just want to roll over and curl up around one.  I told them "Tuesday" as it is a day off and also going to rain so a good day to stay home.  And we can use the rain.  

I bought the last 30 candy bars so I have 100.  I will be bagging tonight.  

I did up all my lunch which has been working: cut up pork chop for actual lunch.  2 mandarin oranges and a cut up apple with a wedge of lime for lunch/snack.  Pot roast with kale for before work.  Crackers for break.  Cheese wedge for anytime.  Medication.  

So that is ready.  My key to a long day at work is a good lunch.  That way I am not tempted to 1.  Spend money or 2.  Buy bad things.  I have also decided to go to maintainer level for a while so I don't end up gaining.  I think I will do this through New Year.  No, I won't lose, likely, but I won't gain either.  And it is really important for me not to gain.  I have worked hard to get here.  

You will notice I don't have any garbage carbs in my lunch like potato chips.  I want stuff without a list of ingredients.  I have that.  I need to add more vegetables but I have limited room in my bag.  

Although the pot roast was pretty bland, and the pork chops were a real pain to cook and clean up.  So I don't think I will do that next week likely the ground meat and cheese I have been doing.  If I can find something likely tomorrow.  We will see, I'll figure something out.  

I only work 4 days and then have 3 days off so something to look forward to.  

It is cold again this morning, my heater was running and I had to put the space heater in the bathroom, so I will look and see if I can find a long sleeved shirt to wear under my hoodie, that should help.  

Going to take my shower.  All done and time to go.  

Spotty was precious this morning, I'm going to miss him.  He knows I'm going to be gone for a while.  

Saturday Morning

Just got my schedule that is interesting.  My fourth week of 30+ hours.  One, that means more money even with rides.  Two that means if this keeps up I will be eligible for benefits in about 6 months.  Well, 5 now.  So it remains to be seen if this keeps up.  

I have some start at 9 AM hours coming up I need to talk to my guys.  Something like that I would rather start the day off with a ride and then take a bus home vs. going out in the dark at 6 AM to catch the bus.  I don't like crossing the very busy street in the dark.  Although daylight savings is coming and it will be lighter during the day.  

Work went fine.  I had the high energy co worker.  She worked adjacent to me and we get along so that is good.  I got my break and lunch on time.  The day went fine.  

It did start pouring rain right after I got to work so I was glad I left when I did.  Everyone kept coming in the breakroom and asking "Is that rain?" it was funny.  But I was dry.  My meals were good (prepared by me) and filling.  

I cooked up my last 3 pork chops yesterday morning so all I need to do is cut one up if I decide to have that for breakfast vs. my donut.  Will they still have the donut 2 hours later than usual?  I don't know so I will probably bring the pork chop and then I don't have to eat it.  I only do the donut once a week.  My weight is good this morning.  

I didn't see the other cat again I guess Biscuit ran it off, which is fine.  It was obviously an owned animal.  I guess it says good things about my neighborhood they have $1,000 cats running around.  I have never been interested in a purebred.  I like my alley cats.  

And they are OK with me being gone 11-12 hours a day when I work.  Not a lot of animals would consider that fair but they do sleep with me so we all get our cuddle time.  

I came up with a theory about my hip.  I noticed sitting on the bus I had the stun gun under my hip in my back pocket and it was lumpy and uncomfortable.  I think I will wear my vest to work and keep the stun gun in my vest pocket (front) so I am not sitting on it.  Doing that yesterday my hip was better last night.  It might be that easy!  That way I still have access to the stun gun.  

It was a little concerning my direct supervisor gave a lecture about safety, don't go in the parking lot alone, an associate got robbed last night, speech before I started work yesterday.  Not what I wanted to hear.  So I want that stun gun at the ready.  

Once or twice we had someone in the front end (customer) go off screaming, breaking things, one guy threw a shopping cart in the last year or so.  Someone like that comes near me and I can't get away I want that stun gun.  I would go down fighting.  

I really think Social Security should make disability payments for bipolar, etc. contingent on taking medication, complete with random blood tests to prove someone is actually on the medication.  You pass, you keep getting your check.  You don't pass they cut your benefits until you pass another random test.  I think that would help a lot.  But they're not going to listen to me.  

Because a lot of people are getting money and running around unmedicated, which is not fair to the taxpayers paying into that check.  Just my theory.  And I would be the first to get the blood test.  And I don't even get social security, I pay into it though.  

It is going to be very interesting planning my budget with the extra money coming in.  I need to figure out transportation, although a couple weeks from now it only looks like I need 3 rides and all that in the morning.  I get off at 4 those days so I can definitely take the bus home.  I have 3 days off coming up in about a week which will be very nice, I am looking forward to that.  I have my doctor phone visit coming up on Tuesday but all I have to do is answer my p hone for that, and pick up my scripts Thursday or Friday.  And I have the money for both thanks to my insurance refund.  

I plan to get more candy today.  When I get home today I can start bagging tonight and tomorrow.  I have the booklets, will need more zip locks, and plenty of candy bars.  

So things are going pretty well for having to get up at 5 AM on Saturday.  I decided to eat a pork chop for breakfast.  

Yesterday I went ahead and bought myself a meat thermometer as it had a couple things I wanted: easy to change "regular" battery and a probe.  It is the kind you poke in the meat while it is cooking and then take it out.  I am tired of guessing when I cook raw meat, I have been OK so far but the way they raise it I have to be careful.  

I just need to get dressed and do up some candy once I finish the pork chop.  All done.  I changed my jeans so I had to load the new jeans with my stuff.  

Pockets are very important to me.  I am wearing my vest but taking my name tag off.  It's cold, to me, outside so I am taking a jacket.  It doesn't really match the vest but I will live.  I was walking past Fabrics on Wednesday night and saw some of the floral picks on the floor.  They had been flocked.  I got them back up where they went but I got the flocking all over my navy hoodie, which now needs to be washed.  So I am wearing the mauve one which doesn't really mesh with the Walmart Blue vest.  Oh, well.  

At least the drivers will figure out where I work.  When I get to work I need to buy some candy for both my daily handouts and Halloween.  Happily I have a ride home.  

I am used to getting a ride in on Saturday but I had to choose so I picked a ride home today.  I am hoping to eke out a ride home on Halloween as I get off at 3 and want to get home early.  

That's it for now, I have to go.  

Friday morning

We got some rain last night and now my phone is saying I will not have rain on the way to work, as forecast last night.  

My neighbor has a tree guy out, I think he is trimming my trees on the property line.  I am glad she didn't ask me to do it.  Glad she hired a "real" tree guy and not some lowest bidder fly by night like she usually does.  Not happy she is trimming my tree, though.  She tends to have him trim way over on my side and not just the stuff that hangs over.  

I cooked up the last of the pork chops this morning.  They make a big mess, which makes me rethink doing them again.  They were cheap but very messy to cook.  How many times can I say that?  Also a long time to cook I did 5 minutes a side as I do not have a meat thermometer, I will look into getting one at work today because I don't want to make myself sick.  

I woke up with Cleo and Biscuit in the bed it was very cute.  Yesterday I had 100 mg caffeine tablet with breakfast, 2 diet Dews before/during work, and then a coworker brought me a cup of coffee before my lunch, but I still slept OK.  

I just had a diet Dew for breakfast and will have one at the bus stop leaving so I won't drowse off on the bus.  

I work 3-10 tonight.  They had me scheduled until 11 last night and today but I cannot do that, my guy can only pick me up at 10.  I told the personnel manager in a note.  If there is fallout I will deal with me.  What I do they don't need me after 10.  

I need to take my shower, the cooking took a lot of time out of my day.    

That's done.  A snowshoe cat is sniffing around the cat door and really wants to come in, acting very submissive to Biscuit.  Clearly someone's pet it is well fed and a purebred.  Biscuit is not having it.  My other cats are watching the show.  

Also read the bus company is installing safety barriers on the buses, basically so the passengers cannot attack the drivers which does happen.  That is very sad.  I hope I can still hand candy through the barriers.  

It does not say much about the quality of the average bus passenger.  The commute routes are different of course.  But this?  Good thing I carry my stun gun.  

Some chance of rain so I brought my rain jacket.  I am wearing a long sleeved shirt for a change today.  I don't want to bring a jacket and I hear the rain is chilly.  

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

Work was interesting last night.  They had too many people in my department so I was loaned out to another one.  It was something that had bothered me about the store, "Why don't they do ___ better?".  So I got to do it better, I hope.  I was pretty busy, the time went fast, and I got my breaks and lunch when I wanted.  

I did have a bit of a shock.  For some reason I thought I worked until 8 even though my log and the app both said 10.  So when I got to work and saw "10" on the app I freaked out a little bit.  I called my buddy, he laughed a little and said I had written down 10 on the schedule I gave him.  So I felt a little silly, but I got to it and I did it ALL.  I even had about 45 minutes to walk around the store picking things up off the floor and putting them in the right space if they weren't.  

Dad asked which I preferred and I said what I did last night.  It was much lower pressure.  But I don't think I will be doing that again much.  So I made a good $84 that will help a lot with the bills.  

Speaking of I am debating how cheap I want to be.  Let me clarify: last year I could afford to keep the thermostat at about 75 degrees all winter.  The bills were not awful.  But they say natural gas is going up and I don't always know what I'm making so I turned it down to 68.  I am not used to 68 and I almost bent my rule today and turned it up.  But I am stubborn as well as cheap so we will see.  I am not crying poor in this just wondering when I will get used to it.  My Dad told me he had the thermostat around 68 in the winter when I was growing up and I always felt fine.  

I also bought 30 more candy bars so I have a total of 70 full sized Snickers in the fridge.  The fridge is full.  I am debating do I buy another 30 or do I just buy a 5 pound, $10 bag of pinata mix and do the last 30 bags out of that?  I could go either way.  I wish God would give me a clear sign one way or another.  And I would love to know what Walmart corporate thinks of me buying 70 full sized candy bars on my discount card.  

I had talked to Mom about my trouble finding a pumice stone for my toilet and she was very curious as she had never heard of them, so when I got mine I took before, during, and after photos of the cleaning.  She was very impressed so I sent her an order.  She was very happy to hear about that as she still does her own cleaning.  

She talked about paying me back.  She is a really good photographer so I will just say send me a photo of one of my cats, and one of you and Dad, I can put on my fridge.  That way she feels like she "paid" for it and I get something I want.  I don't need $6 I am not that poor.  

I decided to get one of my fleece throws and use a clip to hold it around me like a cape.  It is very cozy I am going to do this for the winter.  It is a cute throw, it is a wedgewood  blue plaid we sold last year for $3.  It is about 50x60 inches so plenty of coverage.  

Lunch worked well yesterday, I had 2 mandarin orange, 2 guavas, kale with pot roast (before work), pork chop (on lunch), and cut up cheese (various times).  That lasted me 8 hours.  Today I only work 7 so I will likely do a banana at home, if it's still good; a cut up apple, 2 mandarin oranges (they are really small), pot roast with kale, and a pork chop.  

On my day off I had made 2 small pancakes with regular mix, had cravings all day, and was up 3 pounds the next day, but I was down 2 pounds today.  OH AND I FOUND CARBQUICK at work!  We sell it!  $10.  I am really excited now I can have pancakes without all the drama.  I am definitely buying some once I scope their pancake recipe.  

So I am pleased with my menu this week I am getting some kale, and some fruit, in addition to the meat and fats.  I want to have a varied diet.  And eat seasonal fruit.  

Last year I had a persimmon and did not like it, but I did try it.  It was ripe I just didn't like the flavor.  But I tried it.  I want to keep trying fruit.  

If I ever connect to a guy who likes to drive me around I would like to hit a farmer's market now and then on my day off.  Or even he could go and buy me stuff.  If his love language is gifts.  

I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked my hip is bothering me.  It's like it is strained.  The actual socket feels fine it is the muscle and ligaments.  I may get some turmeric or ginger root at work and see if that helps.  I think it is from carrying my bag around, it is not light.  But I have to carry a lot of stuff, my lunch alone is not light, water bottle, work vest, etc.  

I have to take my shower.  All done.  I ran a little late getting ready so I am taking my cheese and nuts with me to eat at the bus stop.  I also need to leave a note for personnel they have scheduled me until 11 some nights and I cannot do  that.  

That's it for now.  

Wednesday morning

The Bible says to separate ourselves from the world and worldly practices, which I do if at all  possible.  Which means I will not be reading one advice column as it has an "alternate" viewpoint.  There, I said it (this is take 2).  

I did not sleep well, I woke up with my hip bothering me.  I took some aspirin in the middle of the night which worked surprisingly well.  I may consider just taking some every night when I go to bed (with a little food).  I notice my hip bothers me when I eat white flour carbs.  Sugar, not so much, but any kind of white flour it yells all night.  There is a lesson there.  

I had all 3 cats in the bed when I got up.  That was nice.  After I take my shower I am going to do my God Time and then do some dishes.  I need to get some fruit for my lunch but other than that it's ready.   I even did some of last night's dishes.  I think I will do dishes 5 minutes every day until I am caught up.  

I would also like to dump my enzyme cleaner down the drain as I have had a lot of ick going down that drain and I don't want a clog.  

I got my pay, did my budget.  I have to pay for a fair amount of rides due to working nights.  But I have enough cash on hand to buy 30 more candy bars which will make a total of about 70.  I asked my aunt (via voicemail) if she thought that was "enough" even though I had 100 kids last year.  

Shower was good but my eyes do burn when I get out.  What is in my water?  I am drinking this!  Here's Spotty with a cute little meow.  He is adorable.  They are all adorable.  I don't want any more, though.  That was really Ron's thing, take in every cat that came along.  I am content with the ones I have.  I know my family was worried about me after Ron died, becoming a cat lady with 30 cats, but I prefer quality time with each cat vs. a bunch running around.   

The nice thing about working the additional hours I will get paid for them and it should be pretty good as I am averaging about 33 hours a week vs my usual 20 to 24.  And I don't think I will have to take the ride money out of savings so that means I actually get to keep that extra money I made.  Well, for a minute.  

I have 2 meals for work, a nice pork chop meal with some cheese on the side as apparently pork chops don't have a lot of calories, and a pot roast meal with broth and kale.  I will be eating that all week unless I get sick of it, break, and go to McDonald's for a double cheeseburger but then you have that white flour again.  I ate some nuts when I got up and will have some cheese before I leave.  That generally holds me until work.  

Wow I just did the math on my next paycheck.  A lot more than I'm used to!  Normally they only have me work extra hours for one week, 3 days off the next week, but this they had me work 5 long days, 2 days off, 6 long days.  

I feel good about the amount of food I have on hand.  I am glad I incorporated kale into my lunches as I always lose weight when I'm eating kale, and I don't find it objectionable.  I just cook it in the microwave and then this time I put it in a good beef broth.  That's about the only vegetable I have aside from some cucumbers.  My nearest grocery store with the great prices on cheese and vegetables had very high prices on salad mix, I will have to get that at work.  I just want one of those big 1 pound tubs of mixed and then I can work my way through it.  To me they should cost about $5-6 but the other store had a five ounce for $5 which is way too much.  But the plan is to also work some salad into things.  

I would also like to incorporate some sweet potatoes if I can find an easy way to do that, maybe as a frozen entree I heat in the microwave.  I will have to look.  I don't want to "fool" with a raw sweet potato.  

Anyways I had better get going.  That's it for now.  

Tuesday night

 I am not done with scary things for the day.  

As you may know I am legally blind without my glasses.  But I always felt like top dog around Ron because I could always read for him.  

I decided to take a nap.  I took off my glasses and then realized I had forgotten something in the kitchen.  I got up in my  bare feet and went up.  And something scurried across the floor.  It wasn't a rodent.  It wasn't, I think, one of Houston's oversized roaches.  I believe it was a very large spider.  

And I keep all my shoes in the bedroom and was in my bare feet so I could do nothing.  That was pretty awful.  I do not know where IT is.  Last I saw it ran under the fridge.  

I did manage to get my nap after that and had 3 cats in the bed, my favorite.  

Well I did all my dishes and checked my schedule.  I was disappointed to see I work 6 days in a row.  I can use the money but...So I have to prepare 12 meals and various snacks.  I like to eat each meal around 400 calories.  The pot roast will do that.  

But the pork chops will be a little light on calories so I did up some cheese, I buy the big blocks and whack some off for snacking.  So I did 2 ounces x 6 and still have 2 pounds and a couple ounces left.  Not counting my shred cheese which is also over 2 pounds.  

Pot roast is easy I just portion that out in a little bit.  I have clean containers.  Pork chops I have to season and cook them, then cut them into bite sized pieces.  I am finding the kitchen scale very useful.  I'm glad I bought it.  

Then I will be doing up fruit every morning to take in and eat with the cheese.  Cut up an apple, throw a couple of guavas in there, I also have some bananas.  I am not sure how long they will make it but I can always buy some at work.  

The goal is to 1.  Eat better/control what I am putting in my body and 2.  Save money.  Hopefully I will do both.    

I cooked kale and put it in my little containers.  Then I laid nice chunks of roast beef on top along with a small ladle full of meat juice/fat.  

Then I cooked up half my pork chops with the Cajun seasoning and they came out very well.  I cut them up and put them in baggies.  So lunch is done for a few days.  Then the best part, eating the little crispy bits of fat out of the pan.  I used to love that when I was a kid.  

Pork and beef are two of my favorite eating animals so I get to eat them next week.  I am glad they had some smaller sized meats in the meat case.  I find I would much rather eat something I cooked from raw vs. a processed thing that went through God Knows What to get on my plate.  

Also not everyone is careful about food safety.  I found that out the hard way a few times, so did Ron.  He used to eat at a Teriyaki place in San Francisco when he worked there.  Every time he ate there he got violently ill.  Once right before a big trip to Houston.  He was so ill I had to dope him with Phenergan suppositories to get him on the plane.  He did want to go.  The girl he worked with, who was interested in him, got very bossy when she found out about that and lectured me.  I thought she had a lot of nerve and ignored her.  I believe Ron did have a word with her, then she decided to sleep with one of his coworkers instead.  

Anyway I am careful with meats, hand washing, etc. 

Anyway I am going to bed.  

Well that was scary

I heard yard guys come when I was doing my God Time.  The boy cats fled in terror, Biscuit has still not come out, while Cleo napped on the bed, yawned, and groomed herself.  She is getting much bolder.  

I thought it was my guys came back even though the yard is fine and they were just here last week.  I went out and waved, it was for next door.  I saw a branch on the ground.  

We had severe weather last night as I said and a small branch blew down, it was about 4 feet long and obviously dead.  The wind took it off.  

As I threw it in the trash can (mostly empty) I saw a shingle on the ground.  It was black.  I have not seen shingles on the ground since Hurricane Ike back in 2008.  I freaked out thinking it was one of mine, but as I looked at my roof it was fine, looked perfect in fact.  Also my shingles were a medium brown and not black, so not my shingle.  Next door at #2 they have black shingles.  

She might read this so I will be careful.  The homeowner was renting out the house during Hurricane Ike and they had severe roof damage, most of the shingles gone, down to bare wood.  My house was unscathed praise God.  I spent a fair amount of time picking their shingles out of my yard.  She went with a contractor I believe was the lowest bidder and has had ongoing leaks and other issues ever since.  Her daughter lives there now and is my favorite neighbor.  She likes the cats, is quiet, and always says Hi when she sees me.  

So my question is do I tell the daughter I found a shingle in my yard?  I am thinking no.  They have a 2 story house so I can't see the roof, the one little part I did see looked OK.  

About my roof I went all around the house all 4 sides to look, which I can.  That is the nice thing about a one story.  Not to mention I didn't have to worry about Ron falling down the stairs.  

It is sunny, windy, and cooler.  If it is this cool tomorrow I will need a jacket.  Looks like it will rain on Friday when I work... boo.  I mean we desperately need the rain, but maybe it can go like last year and rain after I get to work.  That happened a lot.  That was very convenient right after I would walk in the store it would start pouring.  

I may go outside to sit in the sun for a while.  

183.6!

Carb manager is really helping me manage my calories.  Atkins never talked about this back in 2002, said, in fact, DON'T worry about calories.  But if I keep them around 1,500 the pounds melt away.  I am also active at work and that helps.  I really like the app and feel it gets a fair amount of credit for my weight loss.  7.6 pounds in the last month!  

Goal is to lose another 13.  I plan to maintain for a month when I get down to 170 and see if I want to lose another 10.  I am not interested in looking "hot" I just want to be healthy.  My aunt will come down eventually and we will buy some new clothes, that will be fun.  For now what I have fits.  

I started my very nice pot roast, an eye of round with a nice layer of fat (fat is my friend) on it, this morning.  I couldn't find my black pepper but I had a grinder I had bought some time ago.  I ground up some black pepper on top and added what I hope is "enough" salt.  I have a bad habit of not adding enough salt to my crock pot.  I used a bag of course love those things.  And I couldn't decide between a half cup of water or a whole so I split it and went with 3/4.  That should be ready around dinner.  I did not put any vegetables I just want plain meat.  

Hopefully I will also cook up my pork chops today and cut them up, put them in baggies so I can take them to work.  I don't want to be fighting with cutting up a pork chop on my lunch.  Ideally that all gets done.  I would also like to make some hard boiled eggs so I can have them in the morning.  

I am eating unprocessed, fresh foods and I think that is important to: 1.  Health and 2.  Weight.  I am not eating hamburgers and TV dinners like a lot of the employees.  

I did not sleep well last night, the cold front came through, no rain as far as I could tell but a lot of high wind.  We lost power for a minute and the poor fridge, which is 20 years old (it is a GE if I have any say my next fridge will be a GE), had a heck of a time starting up again when the power came back on.  But it did, praise God.  I don't want to buy a new fridge right now.  

I am drinking some iced tea I made with my electric kettle.  I have some favorite appliances, more, I admit, than I should have with my space issues: electric tea kettle, crock pot, rice pot (haven't used that lately!), blender, pancake maker, egg cooker, scale.  And the microwave of course which is also a GE.  It fell in the garage off a high shelf, still works.  Ron also set it on fire he did not know the "paper" wrapper he felt (we called them 'flamethrowers" after that) had foil in it and set it on fire heating it up.  There are char marks inside the microwave but it still works years later.  It is very reliable.  The cooking area is a little small I would go bigger next time when it dies.  But it heats up my food very well.  Ron threw the flaming burrito in the sink, ran water to put it out, then ate the "good" part when it cooled down because "It's still good".  

Happily Ron was immobile by the time his mind really went but he did turn the knobs on the stove a few times by accident and almost burned the house down.  I am glad he couldn't get out of bed when his mind was going because I could have had some big problems.  There was an episode of Bones which covered that, Seeley thought he could take in his elderly grandfather and it didn't work out.  

So my mood is pretty good, I took my pills first thing when I got up.  I am very impressed with the women's multivitamin we sell at work, the generic one.  When I got them they were about $8 for 200 tablets and I still have a lot of them.  They have really good levels of vitamins, including biotin.  So I feel good about taking that.  According to Carb Manager I get about half my RDA from food alone so the rest is caught by the vitamin.  

Again, I want to be healthy.  I was glad I checked my schedule tomorrow I work TWO to eight not one to eight.  I would have hated sitting around for an hour when I could have slept in a little.  That will make it a little easier to go back to work after my day off.  The problem I have is a 6 hour shift demands a lunch so I will only get paid for 5 hours.  That's a little discouraging but it's still $60 take home.  I have already arranged a ride home.  

And it will be new drivers on the way in I am always up for that.  I did get some Bit O Honey's to hand out in addition to my pinata mix.  I think that should hold me a week or so until my next days off, then I can buy some caramels at the grocery store and pair that with pinata mix.  By then I will probably need more booklets as well but World Missionary Press is always happy to send them.  They have used my activities on Facebook a couple of times which is great.  I hope to incite others to do this.  

That's it for now.  

Well, I voted.

I decided my hair looked OK today so I did not wash it.  I found a shower cap under the sink and wore that during my shower.  My hair was a little frizzy but OK.  I did my God time and all that, went to vote.  

I had to catch 2 buses to get there, no it was 3.  I pulled the bell too late and the driver let me off anyway, he was very nice, I walked over to the polling place and there was an SUV handing out gallons of milk to passers-by, but when they saw me they stopped, shut the back, and drove off.  I guess I looked like a snitch.  

That is illegal, by the way, to try to influence someone to vote for your guy by handing out gifts literally at the door of the polling place.  I went in and got started.  There were literally 95 things to vote on and I had to take it by each election.  I voted for everyone I wanted of course, and on the judges I went with the conservative ones.  I have a relative who is a judge but he was not on the ballot this year.  When we got to the bond issues I read each one.  The taxpayers had to pay them all back.  One of them was for bike trails and park space, and everyone is struggling just to pay their bills.  I'm not having my taxes go up so some yuppie gets a bike trail.  

The emergency services district had a bond and I did vote for that, as Ron and I used them several times the last few years.  Basically that adds one penny per thousand of valuation on my house and I am OK with that.  All done.  What next?!  They have made it very complicated.  I had to hit some buttons, according to the nice lady (place was pretty empty thank God), feed paper into the machine, feed the other paper, I couldn't get it to take the damned paper!  I did not want to vote again!  So many elections!  Got it in there after I prayed and it printed up.  

Then I had to go to the other lady and feed the papers into her machine.  The machine displayed a flag and said it had counted my votes, and I got a sticker.  So that was all done.  

I went to the gas station and bought myself a diet Dr pepper.  The bus came pretty quick and I went to the grocery store (I had my grocery store bag with me the whole time).  

I went in there thinking I need fruits, vegetables.  I did that.  I got some nice little limes I can squeeze over my cut up apples before I eat them.  I got a nice bag of mandarin oranges that really were sweet and easy peel (I ate one when I got home).  I got more apples, still 3 for $1.  I got bananas.  I got a big bag of kale.  I still had cucumbers.  I considered that good for fruits and vegetables (I have my carbs at 60 a day right now).  

I went to the cheese and got a 2 pound block of cheese for $6.50.  I wanted a turkey chub, frozen, for $2 but they did not have any.  Bummer.  I went to the meat wall and found a nice pot roast for $8.  It was more than I wanted to spend but it is a nice dark red and looks very savory.  It was also less than 2 pounds which means it will fit great in the crockpot.  The 3 pound roasts do not fit.  I have a small crock pot.  I found a nice tray of 6 pork chops with only a little bit of bone for $5.  I can have those for dinner all week.  

That pretty much did my budget so I stopped then and only got a 50 cent bag of chips for my snack.  I wanted to get a bottle of diet soda but didn't think I had enough (I did).  I checked out, she was very slow but I got it done.  The 8 ounce blocks of pepper jack were really 97 cents I was glad I got 2.  

I forgot to get caramels for the drivers but I didn't have enough money anyway.  I do have a big 5 pound bag of pinata mix right now and also a bag of bit o honey chewies.  That will hold me another week.  

My last driver was really excited to get the candy.  He hadn't had me before I could tell.  I got off and walked home, it wasn't too heavy.  I put everything in the fridge.  I have a good amount of food, eggs, cheese, meat, fruit, and vegetables.  I even have tea.  I have good options for breaks and lunches all week.  

I tried to call my aunt but went to voicemail so I took a video of Biscuit purring.  Let me see if I can put it up.  My Mom said you could hear his purr motor.  It didn't work.  I'm sorry.  

Then I took a nap.  I woke up with my head hurting, Cleo in my bed and my hip bothering me (I think from carrying my stuff around all day).  It doesn't bother me at work though.  I may need to start taking some MSM, ginger root, or turmeric.  

I will not be watching TV as it is Criminal Minds today and that is very, very, depressing.  That's it for now.  

Monday morning

I didn't sleep great but I sort of expected it after that cup of coffee last night.  I don't regret taking it, though.  He (nice married man) was very sweet about giving it to me and so happy and proud when I took it.  

I had some cats in the bed.  I was a restless sleeper though.  I pulled out my fleece blanket and was sleeping directly under the wool one (an old Harbor Freight safety blanket) but it is not too scratchy and is very warm.  So I need to strip the bed anyway and wash my sheets (I don't worry about the blankets as I use a top sheet, not sure where that went last night either) today along with the laundry I do have from the week.  

I wore the same jeans 4 days in a row.  No cycle yet.  I don't know how long this will go.  My mother apparently went long times without a cycle and then would get one, then months again, before she ended in her mid 50's.  So I could have some time yet.  But I do hear having a period is good for your heart and also easier to lose weight.  It just gets tiring wearing a pad every day.  Happily the pads are still cheap.  

I was happy to see I got down to 185 today, that is 5 pounds lost in the last month.  I need to eat and bring a snack when I go to the grocery store today so I don't get hungry and get a bad thing like that time I got the cream puffs.  That one set me back a couple of pounds.  

I would like to get a small roast but I will see what they have.  Meat is so expensive I want to get something I will enjoy.  If they have it I will get more ground turkey as I can do a lot with that.  I think I am OK for fruit for another week.  Vegetables I need to check the kale and see if it is OK, if not I need to buy more.  

Spotty is sitting up next to me on the printer, he is pretty cute.  They have plenty of cat food but he doesn't want to eat "old" food.  He will if I wait long enough.  Then I will give him some fresh.  I may feed them 1 cup twice today vs. 2 cups in the morning (that is for all of them).  

I am OK on driver candy so I don't have to worry about that.  

Looks like I can vote today so I will do that.  The place is on a main bus line I have to take anyway.  I really want to make sure the conservatives get/stay in.  Our judges for instance are atrocious.  See years ago we had the Trump election, the second one.  There was a very big push by the Democrats for everyone to vote a straight Democratic ticket which had some awful results, we ended up with a corrupt county commissioner, who is also inept.  We got a lot of Democratic judges one of whom doesn't even believe in prison at all.  They keep letting out repeat felons to commit more crimes.  No one is throwing away the key, so to speak.  Etc.  And I like the governor.  So I feel like I really need to vote today.  I am DEFINITELY voting today if at all possible.  

Best of all I don't have to take a cab to do it.  Our usual place, only open on election day, I would have to take a cab.  I do try to take the bus when I can.  

When I get paid ideally I will be putting $20 on my bus card.  

Getting ready to go.  More later.  

Sunday morning

 Made it through the night.  Sad thing the extra money I made went to my ride home.  Sometimes I really think I need a ride Daddy.  Forget sugar, God takes care of my bills.  But I could use a ride now and then.  

I never know who might read this but the schedule the next couple weeks makes no sense at all.  Redundant shifts, etc.  It is not a holiday weekend (that is next weekend, I get doing it then).  I mean it is good for me to get out of the house and good for my cab driver to get some money for the ride home.  But it didn't make sense.  Things go back to normal the week after next.  

I do wish I had a ride in today.  I won't but I can wish.  I would rather have the ride home, even at 8 it was dark and creepy around the store last night.  Plus it would be a 2 hour ride home.  

I do feel a little cheated, when I get off at 3 I get home at 5 and I have 5 PM onward as my time off.  When I work late I miss a couple of those hours, but I am paid for them.  But it goes to the cab driver!  I don't begrudge him that I never do.  It is just funny.  When I was doing my budget when I was first hired I never thought I would need so many rides.  The budget looked really good until then.   

At any rate the coworkers and customers were fine.  I had a good break and lunch; the Mountain Dew did it's thing and kept me awake.  I drank one when I got up.  I actually drank half a bottle before I remembered to weigh myself.  And I was still down to 186 so I am losing again.  

I need to figure out my days off.  Apparently there is a decent chance of rain Tuesday so I will have to go out Monday.  I also need to figure out candy and such as I am getting low again.  Do I want to get more caramels?  I do like the budget grocery store's ground frozen turkey and they also sell the caramels.  So I could do that.  And I need to bring my debit card so I can hit the ATM today.  I don't like to have a lot of "plastic" transactions as cash is easier to track.  

I slept well tonight but I didn't have any cats.  I saw Biscuit and Cleo when I got up though, they still have a lot of food so someone else outside is feeding them.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I am glad someone is feeding them vs. trying to poison them.  That they are cared for vs. people throwing rocks at them and trying to run them over.  But ideally I would really fix up that catio so they can go out in their "room" only and not roam anymore.  

Maybe if I get another stimulus, or a big tax refund.  I can't afford it now.  

Oh I forget if I told you I got my school tax bill.  That is $900 which is more than I was expecting.  I have about $1,400 saved already and I plan to keep saving, everything is due at the end of January so I will be fine but I won't have any spare.  

I am considering when to get my blood test.  One the one hand I say do it now.  But I am currently using a jar of "Meat Fats" (that is what is says on the canister), hydrogenated meat fats to cook my food.  That probably has a lot of trans fats and not good for my heart.  Maybe change up to a better fat like coconut oil?  Use that for a while first?  And get some Vitamin E on board too so my numbers look good in the blood test?  Or just continue as is and then do it in a couple weeks?  I haven't decided but am leaning toward getting a "better" fat.  I will have to look before work today.  

I need to take my shower but happily I have a little more energy today thanks to getting more sleep and having the Mountain Dew.  I will take another Dew with me to work on the bus so I can drink it if I start falling asleep again.  I don't want to miss my stop, that would be a mess.  

I am glad I have a ride home today and my buddy seems happy to give me the rides.  I need to take my shower... and I feel like I need another Mountain Dew.  

I have a pretty small lunch bag, I only had room for my 2 containers, the Mountain Dew, and the cold pack so I am eating my piece of fruit now hopefully for an energy boost.  

The Bible says we are surrounded by "a great cloud of witnesses" so I have to wonder sometimes if Ron is watching me and what he thinks of how I am living my life.  I hope he thinks I am doing a good job.  I hope I am smart enough to let God to all the heavy lifting and keep my anxiety and worrying to a minimum.  

Years ago after my diagnosis I had 2 choices, a well respected local doctor across town or the mental health clinic closer to home.  I went to the clinic first.  It was a horrible experience.  During the interview the technician asked me if I had anxiety.  I said "What's that?" and she told me.  "All the time".  I did that and went home, they said they could see me in a month or so but called me a few days later and said they had lost my records I would have to come in for another evaluation.  I took that as a sign from God and went with the other guy.  

He has been great but we are in agreement no anxiety meds, no sleeping pills.  I don't want anything that could be addictive.  Which means I have to handle it via faith.   Moderating my caffeine...once I finish this apple I am going to take my shower. 

Done.  I am also 99% sure I have everything I need for the night.  I just need to feed the cats before I leave.  

Fell asleep on the bus today

 But did not miss my stop.  Bought a 6 pack of diet dew bottles and drank one.  Less than $4 for six.  Will have another one today as needed, take the rest home.

Thank God no one got into my bag when I nodded off.  Start work in about an hour I will let you know how it went tonight.  I will take prayer if you're so inclined: app and keys to work, favor with co workers, customers, and management, alertness, good ride home.  

That's it for now.

#6 had a big party last night

It went very late, I got very little sleep.  He never thinks that his neighbors may need to work on the weekend.  Or he doesn't care, I think it's a combination.  Ron would go over there (when he could) and repeatedly tell him "We need to go to work early on Saturday" and he would say OK and turn it up and party harder.  He is just not a thoughtful person.  

He is the type of person had a big "conversion" experience some years back, put church bumper stickers on his cars for a while, had people over in the middle of the night singing hymns in his backyard, but that passed and now it is the drinking and the polka music again.  My aunt kept telling me "It was a really good church" and I kept telling her I don't believe a truly saved person would knowingly put his neighbors out so he could party.  Especially Ron.  Me, I get, I don't "look" disabled.  But Ron was very clearly and obviously messed up.  

On another note I got my schedule, I will be back to my normal routine in a few weeks, thank God.  I just need to figure out lunch for today.  And tomorrow.  I went with chicken salad and even got (well God did it) the can opener to work.  

Like anyone I am more prone to cheating on my diet if I am tired and stressed out.  So it is important to have good food on hand.  That's why I was so peeved with the "off at 8 PM on the weekends" because I like to do my food shopping on my way out on Sunday afternoon when I take the bus.  But it would be very difficult to take the bus at 8 PM and I can't expect the cab driver to wait on me, either.  And I only have 2 days off.  I will figure it out.  

I do have a decent amount of eggs, some yogurt, mayo, tuna, some food in the freezer.  

I need to shave my legs when I get in the shower.  They were fine up until last night but compression socks and leg hair are not a good combination, I got very itchy.  I couldn't scratch at work of course.  

I texted with Jack last night he said he will be up for giving me rides Thursday and Friday again which is good.  He is closer than the cab driver.  I don't like making someone drive a longish way to pick me up.  I just need to verify that on Wednesday and then tell the cab driver.  

I'm going to take my shower.  

So here's the punchline, 7 AM I'm in the shower and I hear #6 get in his work truck and drive away (he is a contractor).  I don't know what he had for breakfast but I know he got about 4 hours of sleep.  I used to keep a log of all his family birthdays and there are a lot in October so I guess they had "October Birthdays" last night, if I had to guess.  I hope that is it for a while.  

Getting ready to go to work.  Weekends in retail are like dog years, much longer than you would think.  A 7 hour shift feels like 14.  And I have two, seven hour, shifts.  I'll make it.  

Here is a little trick I picked up a while back.  Skip to the ++ if you are squeamish.  I have found my 100 mg caffeine pill will produce a bowel movement within a few minutes of taking it.  Every time.  So I will not be taking the caffeine pills to work!  +++

I am debating buying a six pack of Diet Dew and drinking that.  Not the whole six pack but one or two.  But they also mess with my blood sugar so I may not.  We will see.  

I am eating the last of the pecans.  They were good but I will not be buying more.  

I think my aunt is back in town which means I can talk to her more, once she gets settled in (where she lives, not Houston).  Hopefully we can do a meetup next month.  I am glad I have the money for my doctor visit and medication, and blood test ideally.  I pay cash for the blood test and that has worked well for me.  I will just need a ride to and from.  That would be tricky to get to on the bus.  I will just add the rides to the cost of the blood test.  

I want to give it a couple weeks to let all the cheating clear my system, when I went to visit my parents.  My AIC would not be accurate, for instance.  I have also considered buying and taking some vitamin E capsules.  I think that would help my cholestrol, but we will see.  

That's it for now.  

At work

 Still depressed.  I was glad I found some snack crackers I like.  8 servings individually wrapped and 25 carbs each, which I can do.  

I am just sad, anxious, and missing my cats.  I will update on my lunch around 6 or so.  

Friday morning

 Last night was a little challenging.  I have a certain job to do and I do it well.  However, another employee got in my way.  She made things difficult.  

The boss was not around, I don't think she would have done what she did had they been in.  The ironic thing she was doing the exact same thing she gossips about me, "being messy" (which I am not).  I finally got my stuff out of her way, "let" her make her mess (it was easily tracked back to her) so, if she left anything over night, it tracks back to her and gets her in trouble.  I did my end of things well like I always do.  But she was slow, inefficient, and basically begging to be fired.  She had said something about moving to another department but I haven't seen it so I will have to live with her.  I do know she does not work tonight.  So there's that.  

And there is always that one employee everywhere who gets on your nerves, talks crap about you behind your back, etc.  I came around a corner and came on her and another employee talking.  They immediately stopped talking and started acting furtive so I guess they were talking about me, but I don't care.  What is there to say?  My husband died?  I own a house?  I was married to a black man?  This is all common knowledge. 

I came home, great ride.  We almost got T boned but my driver was alert and avoided it.  We would have been hit on my side so that would have been a very bad ride for me.  

Cats were good.  Mom was having a dinner with friends so I just texted to let them know I got home OK.  I did text more with my aunt.   

Depression was OK at work.  Generally I can put it in a box and get to work.  Last year, not so much, but they kept me around anyway.  I guess even at my worst I was a decent employee.  

I went to bed early.  I used some of my gift money to buy myself a delicious $2 (with discount) Diet Dr Pepper on my last break but I fell asleep easily.  I woke up around 3 AM, I sleep on my side, generally my left side, and Biscuit had gotten up on my right hip and it felt like he was pulling it out of the socket!  He is a good 20 pounds.  I had to move him but he kept coming back.  It is commendable he wants to be close, really, but this may be why I have had some tenderness in the hip lately.  I could not go back to sleep.  And it was 3 AM.  I talked to God a little and tried to doze, and felt like I really could have dropped off again about the time my alarm went off.  Oh, well.  

The good news tonight I get a good 8 hours because I don't start until 1 PM tomorrow.  1-8.  I don't get it, but I will work it.  They have me scheduled to work until 11 a couple nights so I need to talk to Personnel about that today.  But my boss can "fix" it if I "leave early" at 10.  

I took a B complex when I got up because the difficult co worker had a very deep, dry cough and kept facing me as she worked.  I don't know if she is contagious or what but I don't want to go out sick.  Another co worker who had been sick off and on a lot lately is now on a leave of absence not sure what that is.  But she won't be in tonight and I took my B vitamin.  I also took a zinc lozenge last night to be sure.  

Sometimes the B vitamins are helpful for depression in conjunction with my medication.  Not a replacement by any means but they do help in addition sometimes.  It is an old bottle and smells awful when I open it but they still work.  

I also took a 100 mg caffeine pill because I figure I will need that!  I need to clean the litter box and take my shower.  

The Tidy Cats holds up very well if I neglect the box for a while but it has a LOT of dust.  So I only scoop it before I take a shower.  So they are set with nice clean boxes now.  

I got my shower.  I am not crazy about my generic "Fructis" shampoo so I used Suave, and then the Fructis conditioner.  My hair looked good yesterday so I am happy about that.  I am a little vain about my hair when I am not massively depressed.  I think it looks pretty if I take care of it.  Which means a nice conditioner.  

If they have it, I am going to buy some Vitamin E before work and take that, I need to get a blood test in a couple of weeks and hopefully it will make my triglycerides look better.  Dad is worried about me as I have a family history of heart trouble on both sides, and my triglycerides are already over 200.  

I wonder about what is in my tap water as lately my eyes have been very irritated when I shower.  What is in my water?  If I have kidney trouble I will not blame the lithium, but the tap water as that's all I drink.  

Almost time to go.  A little depressed but I will be OK.  Dad texted me this morning I thought that was sweet.  Sounds like he had fun last night.  

I need to figure out transportation for the next couple weeks those late nights are adding up...

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

 I woke up a lot last night but I attribute that to 2-3 cats in my bed at all times and some squabbling in the bed between Spotty and Cleo.  He likes to be aggressive with her and then she beats him up, he runs off.  She likes Biscuit much better and they sleep together a lot.  I am sure my dour mood contributed as well, but I did appreciate the cuddles.  

I got up, house was "cold" but I am saving money so I put the space heater in the bathroom while I made the tuna salad for today and tomorrow.  I could not get the electric can opener to work so I used the manual.  I got that made up and in the fridge, got on computer for a little bit.  

I took a 100 mg caffeine tablet with my anti depressant and multi vitamin.  Doc is OK with moderate caffeine use he just said keep it under 450 mg a day so 100 is fine.  I will likely not have any more caffeine all day.  

I took my shower, a lot of hair fell out for me but it has been a few days.  I did not take a shower on my days off.  I always shower before work.  So I got clean, did not shave my legs as long pants are part of the dress code.  Some of the "girls" wear native apparel from their countries like saris and the Middle Eastern getup but always wear leggings underneath.  That seems to be OK with Personnel but I am fine with jeans.  I can wear jeans every day, and do.  I did when I visited Mom and Dad.  

Last night talking to them I told Dad I am not looking to date because I am damaged right now, there are (predators) who seek out damaged women to take advantage of, and I don't want that.  He thought that was a very wise statement.  If/when I get the depression under control I might think about dating but for now there are so many problems in a relationship, sure were with mine, addiction, cheating, abuse.  No wonder some guy from the church came to the house and told Ron he was "making" me depressed.  

As I told Ron that wasn't 100% accurate, he can contribute but my mind is going to go off the cliff even during good times.  

So I don't want to be a victim again.  People seem to respect that.  And I have a lot of baggage, my difficult marriage, my illness, my brain damage.  I can't even drive and my house is always a mess.  

I did talk to Mom and Dad last night and told them next time they want to visit I would be happy to fly out again.  They were thrilled.  Houston traffic is dreadful.  Plus flying is a pain especially for older people.  I feel pretty good about taking Southwest from Bush to Love in Dallas and then taking a plane out to CA from there.  Next time I will do more blogs.  But first I have to get through the holidays and then maybe next spring/summer.  

I don't know who I will recruit to take care of my cats but I will figure it out.  Maybe Jack will be up for that again.  I hope he is doing OK.  I hope his network is supporting him.  

I will text my cab driver buddy in an hour to confirm my ride home.  But I am sure he already has that marked down.  

I am trying to be good to myself today.  I even used conditioner in the shower this morning so it doesn't look like I spent the last couple days in a black hole of depression.  If asked I will just say I caught up on cooking and laundry.  Which is true.  

I am warm at night, I have lots of blankets and a quilt on the bed.  It is just getting out of bed that sucks.  I may need to wear something warmer to bed at night.  Happily the sweatpants I bought last year still fit great.  I just wear them around the house.  

I guess you could say work gives me a purpose in a reason to get out of bed, take a shower, get out the door every day I am on the schedule.  I am glad of that.  

I know Dad wishes I had a more prestigious job.  He liked it when I was self employed even though that was a world of headaches.  But Walmart does alright by me.  I may bitch a little but they took me in right after Ron died, lived with my grief  (I don't think I was the best employee last year), were patient with me, etc.  So I appreciate that.  

I am curious to see who will be my manager today.  I will find out when I get there.  

I'm going to go eat some pecans.   And some cheese.  All ready to go, confirmed my ride home, have the money for that in my  pocket.  Mom and Dad want a text tonight vs the phone call so I can do that.  I will get to bed earlier as a result.  

Friday night/Saturday is interesting as Saturday I don't go in until 1 PM.  So I will actually get enough sleep Friday night.  And I can take the bus in to do that, saving money.  

That's it for now.  

Well the Kroger ground sausage is a big no

I did the dishes, rinsed them, sanitized them.  I ate my dinner, I call it 'mystery meat" (leftover pork roast) from the freezer.  Took my pills.  Called my parents they are doing well.  I was honest in saying I had problems with depression.  Dad was a little upset said he had prayed for me this morning.  

See, this is one reason I could never harm myself, Dad would likely lose his faith.  

Anyway I am feeling a little better.  So after we finished I took out my chub of Kroger ground sausage.  

I have a system for cooking ground meat.  I clean out my skillet with hot water and a metal scouring pad (no soap).  I dry it then add a couple tablespoons of lard, heat that up and then add the meat.  And it began to stick and burn.  The other sausage brands I have been using have, apparently, a much higher fat content so they don't do that.  I had a heck of a time wrangling/cooking the sausage.  I will not be buying it again even though it smells good.  You wouldn't believe the amount of fat I had to add just to keep it from sticking and burning.  

Anyway it's done.  I will have 4 lunches out of that.  Tomorrow I will make my tuna or chicken salad which will be my dinners.  So I'm glad that's done.  

Today has felt like climbing a mountain.  Some days are just harder than others.  

Interesting fact.  I have had depression since I was about 10 or so.  Off and on my whole life, really.  I figured when Ron died I would have a different sort of pain but it's still the same old depression, just more frequent.  That is sad somehow.  You would think my grief would take a different form.  That bothers me when I think about it, I would think I would be more weepy and "sad" instead I had insomnia, anxiety, and worsening depression.  

It doesn't seem fair somehow.  

Sorry for the pity party tonight.  That's it for now.  

Wednesday

Well I turned on the heater last night but only had it at 70.  I was OK in bed, a little chilly when I got up.  I had a nice cuddle with all 3 cats too.  They were so cute.  They like a nice soft bed with lots of blankets, I forget how much they like to sleep with me in the winter.  

I didn't take a shower yesterday I need to take one today.  Ugh.  Depression.  Anxiety.  Not fun.  I would hate to see me without my faith.  

I'll get through.  Just a hard day and I have to do my cooking and cleaning today.  I just want to go back to bed...I am considering setting my doctor's appointment for next month.  I'll see.   

I have been depressed enough I haven't opened my stuff from Amazon.  I opened my scale and set that up, weighed a piece of cheese and ate that, it was easy enough.  Now I just need to find a place to store it.  Next up is the egg cooker, I will do that in a while.  

I was watching TV, still am.  And seeing a lot of Medicare advantage plan commercials.  Now my parents have Medicare, Medicare supplement, and Medicare Drug plan, which is the way to do it if you can.  They get pretty much everything paid for and are very happy with it.  Dad has had various things with his heart and Mom has had some ER visits for her condition.  No complaints about bills.  So, if you can, do that.  

Now at the end of Ron's rehab stay he became obsessed with the bill and how much it would cost.  The finance lady told him she couldn't say what Medicare (classic) would pay but they charged about $1K a day.  It was a nice rehab.  So Ron was very discouraged and wanted to change from Classic Medicare.  She was still in the room, so was I.  I asked her about Advantage plans and she immediately said oh no never do that.  

I asked her what she meant.  She said you know your husband and his medical status (blind, half paralyzed, back surgery, 60's).  Medicare Classic had no problem approving him for treatment.  In fact you had your pick of hospitals.  I agreed.  

She said (and this is why I will not say the hospital as I am sure it violated HIPPA laws) she had just had a call from a woman on an Advantage plan.  She was in her 50's and had had a stroke affecting one arm.  Her Advantage plan denied her care.  And the lady said this is very common no one with the Advantage plan is EVER approved for rehab and sir you got 3 weeks.  

He did, he went from bed bound to walking around on a walker (for a while at least).  So if you are eligible think about that and don't call those 800 numbers.  Get a Supplement plan if you can swing it (Ron and I could not).  Get a drug plan (Ron did not have one and it added up).  

That's all on that.  It was just bothering me thinking about all the poverty level old people who may not be the sharpest getting scammed into thinking they will get lots of money "back" in their social security check when they are actually getting screwed out of much needed medical care.  

I don't know what I am going to do about my own medical care.  Dad says he will feel better if I get Obama care but I have been so depressed lately I haven't had the energy  And that's the sad thing about depression, you need medical care for other things but the depression overwhelms it all.  

I'm going to go make that phone appointment with my doctor.  Got that but now I have to do an in person visit next year which will suck.  Getting there I mean I think it is $120 round trip in a cab.  But it's only twice a year.  But still OUCH.  He is a good doctor though.   

I sat outside in the sun for a while and then got out my egg cooker and got that started.  We will see how it goes.  I only did 4 eggs.  We will see.  The eggs turned out great.  Glad I bought it.  

I like my kitchen appliances (the little ones) in red and I got it in red.  So I was happy to get it in red.  And I found a place for it in my tiny kitchen.  I like my kitchen, it's only big enough for one person.   

Just horrible with the depression today.  I need to do the dishes so I can do my cooking.  I did get a good nap with the cats.  Biscuit started it off and then Cleo and Spotty finished it with a lovely display of grooming each other.  They squabble a lot but they love each other.  That was good to see.  

I was happy I boiled up the eggs that will be a good breakfast or something.  I would like to eat more protein in the mornings and this is an easy way.  

I am going to take a break for a while and come back when I finished making all my dinners/lunches for the week.  

Going to post from yesterday

 Depressed today, but I remind myself this happened, a lot, BEFORE Ron died.  

I am catching up on laundry.  I went ahead and washed my "good" winter coat, it was a little tricky finding stuff to counterbalance.  But the load ran great.  Now I just need to do the sheets but the laundry room is taken over by the coat and work clothes.  

Other than that I am doing nothing except taking out the trash and things like that (trash pickup tomorrow).    

Tuesday morning

I slept pretty well but woke up with the house "cold".  I had two blankets and a sheet on me last night.  When I checked the thermostat it said 70 degrees.  When I went outside to do a chore it was much colder.  My house has no insulation as I found a few years ago so I don't know how it is so much warmer, inside, in the winter.  Well I credit God because I can't make human logic bend on that.  

There are a lot of things in my life, like money, that don't make sense because I feel God provides.  Even really good food deals like that $1.50 markdown greens blend, a pound of it, that lasted me days.  I am grateful.  

And my boss even said "Thank You" a few times the last week.  

I have exterior roll down blinds, they help cut the electric bill in the summer.  I rolled them up this morning.  There's a lot more light in the house.  I also turned off the fan I point at the thermostat (an old Ron trick) that also helped keep the air conditioning bill down in the summer.  It will not be "hot" for the next 10 days or so I feel fine doing that.  

Today I am going to figure out my egg cooker and get that going.  I have 18 eggs just waiting to get cooked.  If it works out I can take a couple to work every day.  I am just terrible at doing eggs in a skillet and I have tried everything.  Happily Ron did not demand eggs for breakfast.  We had a little gadget (oh he loved his infomercial toys) that could cook them in a microwave but they were kind of tough (as in chewy) so I got rid of it.  

I would also like to wash my bedding but various cats keep getting into it.  Biscuit moves down, Cleo moves up.  I guess I know what they do all day when I'm at work.  I will need to lint brush it before I do that.  Let me go find my lint brush.  

I found it, I also found two cats in my bed and Spotty on the trunk at the foot of my bed.  Poor Spotty the other cats won't let him in the bed.  They all get along great when I'm around but I'm not stupid, I know they fight when I'm gone.  But they know I want an agreeable household.  They know "get along" is a rule along with "no biting" and "no pissing" (out of box).  I don't have many rules.  

I decided to light a candle I got for my birthday.  It was in a metal tin and I was convinced TSA would not let me take it on the plane, but they did.  And here's another "favor" thing for lack of a better phrase, both times I flew TSA took one look at me and waved me through the metal detector instead of the backscatter machine.  Profiling I guess, fat middle aged white lady with graying brown hair in a ponytail  = no threat.  I was ready to go through the other one, though, both times.  I have no secrets and we all gave up rights after 9/11.  

On a totally different note I was bummed to notice work no longer carries the "Wowbutter" fake peanut butter.  I love that stuff.  Amazon does sell it though but of course not as cheap.  We will see.  Not in the budget right now.  I should probably focus on eating more fats and proteins.  

I want to be careful with what I have.  Some would say I am "lavish" with the candy but you could also call that my tithe.  

And my first load of laundry is almost done.  Happy about that.  I bought a big package of Tide PODS with my gift card from my sister in law.  That will help with the laundry for a long time to come.  And prices just keep going up...and we have 2 more years of this president.  

I didn't worry about buying groceries under the last president, all I am going to say.  I will say I am definitely voting in the midterm elections.  

It was fun voting with Ron.  I would take him in the wheelchair, present his ID and mine, I would go vote for me, come back, get him and his secret code, go vote for him.  2020 the Democratic election worker took exception to that and followed us, spied on me helping Ron vote.  She made a very sour face when he said "A straight Republican ticket".  Ron asked about my cousin who was on the ballot.  He wanted to make sure he had voted for my cousin, and he did (so did I of course, and my cousin won).  When the worker found out I had a cousin on the ballot she ran off pretty quick because what she did was illegal.  She was entitled to go up to Ron and ask if he wanted me to help him vote, and then accept the answer and leave, not spy on how he voted.  That had been done a few times over the years.  A worker asking if Ron wanted help and he always said he wanted my help.  Then they would say if he changed his mind to let them know.  That is appropriate.  

One year we voted differently.  Long story short I found a policeman out while I was walking to the polling place, or what I thought was mine.  He said please vote for the Democrat for sheriff he will be much better than the Republican.  All the policeman love the Democrat, please.  So I went home, got Ron, we took a cab to the right polling place.  

I told Ron what the policeman said but he was unmoved.  So I voted for the Republican for Ron and the Democrat for me.  We basically cancelled each other out.  As I recall the Democrat won.  But I was glad I had talked to the policeman.  

Yay the yard guy is here.  My yard was looking pretty bad.  And I don't have any cold water in the fridge.  

I am very proud of Biscuit, it only took him an hour to come out from under the bed (Cleo came out in a few minutes).  You see, when I met Biscuit he came out of the woods at the bus stop, meowing, so sweet and cute, and bold.  He climbed me like a tree and sat on my shoulder until the bus came, then tried to follow me onboard.  He could not have been bolder, or cuter.  

I did the Bible Handout and when I got back a Bad Woman was kicking him in the head and threatening to kill him.  He never got over that, he's very timid boy.  He was friendly with me and Ron but no one else.  So I am proud he came out after only an hour.  While I've been typing he has been getting up in my lap and butting against my hands as I type.  He knows I'm writing about him.  He's a good boy.  

Torbie was pampered up until her time at the shelter and only then met nice people who either wanted to give a cat a good home (kind) or kindly animal techs, one who almost wept for joy when I took her.  Her playbook was full of great humans so she was always very outgoing.  Baby Girl was very outgoing when we met her about 2 months old, on our porch.  Ron adored her and pampered her endlessly so she was also outgoing.  I lost both this year so all I have now are the 'fraidy cats.  

That's OK, I love them.  They are good cats and love me.  

That's it for now.  OH, I am curious to get comments...what is your thermostat set during the winter?  I hear natural gas prices are going up so I am going to keep it cooler.  

Monday morning

Ugh.  I slept OK but having such a hard time getting started...I am also trying to figure out what I want to do with shopping after work.  

Do I want to take the bus and save cash?  Or buy more essentials and take the cab?  I could use cat litter which = cab.  Could also use bottled water to hand out.  I like to give a bottle to the yard guy or mailman, I am happy drinking tap water.  God will help me figure it out.  

I did remember to put the check in a folder (actually a spiral notebook) and put it in my bag so I won't forget it.  I plan to stop by the bank before work.  I went with the mystery meat and rice out of the freezer for my lunch today.  If I get hungry I can always eat a double cheeseburger after work before I head home.  

I really need to work on my budget for the check, it is over 2 weeks pay.  I have also decided it would be good to use some of it to get my blood test in a month or so.  Check my lithium level and then an overall blood check of liver, kidneys, etc.  I haven't had one of those for a year and a half and Dad is worried about my cholesterol..  He takes cholesterol medication which works very well for him but I think I am OK.  

But now I need to get going on my shower, I kept hitting the snooze button.  I would blame Biscuit but it's not his fault he was so fat and cute in the bed.  Cleo was in my chair and I haven't seen Spotty yet, probably outside or in Ron's closet.   I found him.  

All ready to go, glad I checked the weather, it might rain.  So I packed my rain jacket.  I don't worry about getting me wet, really, but my phone and such. I have about 20 minutes to go.  

I am wearing a hot pink t shirt.  Not because I want to be "aware" of Breast cancer month (bipolar has a higher mortality rate).  In my opinion all the "breast cancer agencies" are scams that just line their own pockets and fund a little research without directly benefiting cancer victims.  Give me a ride to radiation every day, bring me hot meals, then you might change my mind but from what I have heard all the "pink" organizations just have fat salaries for the CEO so I don't fund them.  And my birth mother had breast cancer.  

I don't even buy Astros stuff and I like them.  One, I can't afford $25 for a t shirt even with my insurance money.  Two I have a perfectly nice loud orange t shirt I think works quite well.  It does make me look sallow though.  

I had better go.  

Sunday night

My boss called me when I was on my break.  I did not answer.  Then she texted me.  She needs to rewatch the training videos about giving your employee their breaks and lunches.  I did not respond.  She did not call me after I left, like she did yesterday.  Boundaries, I know how to set, and keep them.  

Work was very busy today, everyone got paid yesterday and wanted to spend it today.  I was hopping from when I got in to when I left.  One employee, one of the bossy types who tries to tell me what to do, came in and spent half an hour on her cell phone texting.  I did not say anything, but she stood right by me while she did it.  Later on I had to wait on a customer and she got an attitude with me for "just standing there".  I wanted to say, oh, like YOU did, for HALF AN HOUR?  I did not.  She said she is moving to another department so I will be happy to see her go.  I was nothing but nice to her when she started but she has been nothing but nasty to me ever since.  I was doing what I have been told to do.  

Other than that work was fine.  I haven't figured out what I am doing for lunch tomorrow though.  I don't want to cook tonight.  I have some mystery meat and rice containers in the freezer, I think I will take a couple of them to work.  I need to eat them up anyway.  

My trip in was fine I didn't have any issues.  There was a man on the bus wearing nothing but a button down shirt, crocs, and a Burger King paper crown.  That is it.  The shirt kept pulling up as he moved around and I kept averting my eyes I really don't need to see that.  He said he was going to church I felt sorry for the church.  

After work I really wanted some ice cream.  I compromised and got some sugar free yogurt and a Diet Dew.  I still had my cold pack in my insulated lunch bag and that worked fine.  The yogurt was nice and cold when I got home.  Ride home was uneventful.  My second driver was new, but a nice guy.  He stopped where I wanted and I was happy enough with that.  

I put my stuff up when I got home and laid down for a little bit with the cats.  That was nice. Waiting on my parents to call.  That's it for now!  

Sunday morning

I have a minute so I will take it.  

I slept OK.  No I did not watch the epic Astros game but I will wear my (plain) orange t shirt to work.  I bought it to wear on Bible Handouts but it works very well as a team shirt.  No, it doesn't have any logos but it's in the spirit, I think.  I wore it after they won the World Series.  Maybe they'll get another one this year, I know all the customers were looking for Astros gear yesterday and definitely will today.

The cats are good.  I suspect another cat got in the house last night as they seemed very hungry last night.  Maybe the other cat ate some food?  I don't know.  They were fine this morning.  Biscuit is cleaning himself over in the corner.  I didn't see Cleo and God knows where Spotty has gotten off to.  He likes to go in my closet (Ron's) with my wedding gown.  I have a couple of other dresses in there too.  

I need to figure out my budget.  I need at least $80 for the candy for the kids.  I can do some of that tomorrow at work after I deposit the check.  I also need quart zip locks.  I will get those then, too.   I'll get it all, probably tomorrow.  

I have to go.  

Some good news (I got the card!)

 I have to go to bed like 10 minutes ago so I will keep it short.  Got to work, pretty uneventful except boss TRIED to call my cell 2 hours after I left.  She has a reputation for doing this.  I am not talking to you unless I am on the clock, so I didn't pick up.  She did not leave a voicemail.  

I got home and opened my mailbox.  Something from my flood insurance company, a lot of paperwork from them lately, and a card from my secret pal.  I was very excited to see the card, which was very sweet and still had the love offering in it.  I literally had less than a dollar in my pocket when I opened the card.  So it means a lot.  Thank you.  

Something told me to open the letter from the insurance company, and I'm glad I did.  I got a HEFTY refund.  Apparently they overcharged me.  I accept the refund and will use it wisely.  So I will have a GOOD couple days off now.  I still have to deposit the check though.  I will do that Monday.  

Talked to my parents told them the good news, they were happy to hear it of course.  

Eggs were $5.52 for 18.  I was horrified.  I bought them, though, but expensive!  I never realized how bumpy it is on my ride home I kept guarding the eggs with every bump and pothole.  

And I have to go to bed if I'm going to get enough sleep tonight.  That's it for now.  

Saturday morning

Last night was pretty uneventful except for getting shouted at by a customer.  She called me an f b and some other nasty things.  She cursed me out directly and then talked a bunch of smack about me "to her friend" so if I had objected she would accuse me of eavesdropping.  I didn't react, after Ron she was a rank amateur.  I thought it was funny and was laughing after she went away.  If she is dumb enough to steal in front of 30 million security cameras she deserves to get arrested.  I tried to get her to stop.  

Mom got home OK and liked the leggings.  Good.  My faith is restored in the Post Office.  I wasn't sure they could work with my handwritten label but they did have a big bar code on the package so they probably just went off of that.  I am sure it went from my local station to the processing center, then to the airport, local distribution center out there and then local carrier.  I sent it priority mail so I figured it had a better chance than parcel post.  

I checked my schedule more and longer hours, working until 8 PM Saturday and Sunday around Halloween but not on the actual day, thank God.  I do need to talk to Personnel because they have me working until 11 and I can't do that, some nights.  Sometimes I hate having to stand up for myself but no one else is going to do it.  I can use the extra money.  No more 3 days off in a row at least for the short term.  But, like I said, I can use the money.  

And she will not bite (personnel).  

At any rate I work 10:30-3 today so we will see how that goes.  It is generally a little slow at first.  

Last night they had a sheet cake in the break room, someone got promoted.  I had 2 pieces (not at the same time) the frosting was delicious..but I can't do that again.  So I have decided next time I will have one small piece and then tell myself "OK someone just peed all over the cake" and that will kill any desire for remaining cake.  We will see how that works.  

I did notice my hip was bothering me last night, it's the ligaments and such and not the actual bone.  I stand with my weight on that hip when I am working and then I cross it and put it at an angle when I am on the computer (almost did it again just now).  So it gets strained.  Normally it doesn't bother me but it was last night, I think it was the sugar and white flour in the cake made it act up.  

I am paying for a ride to work.  With the hours I am working at night coming up my cab driver buddy is going to make some money!  I will make it work, the budget to pay him.  Some days I would have paid him anyway.  Instead of getting picked up at 9 AM I can take the bus to work on Saturday, and then have him pick me up at 8 PM and that's the same $20 I would have spent anyway.  And a new bus driver reached with a booklet.  God knows what He is doing.  So I am going to make up a card with the hours I need to be picked up and give it to him today.  

I texted a brief message to Jack letting him know he is in my thoughts and I am praying daily, he texted me back (some time later) "thank you".  I am sure he is very busy with family but I am thinking/praying for him.  I hope he doesn't do the retreating thing like I did.  Hiding away.  Although I couldn't hide much I had to work and then I had to go get another job.  

But the cab driver has been very helpful in the past so we will see.  Worst case I could probably take the bus home at 8 PM but I would not want to.  I guess I could do a Uber?  Although they have not always been good about coming to the store.  

I need to go get ready.  Back for a minute, made up a cheat card for my cab driver that is a lot of rides!  But he can use the money.  And one night I may get some cat litter or something on my way out, something I couldn't take on the bus but can in the cab.  

I am having problems getting my antipsychotic refilled which I don't get.  I had half an old bottle I will get into in the meantime but really?!  

I really need to get going... All ready to go, did up the card with the rides on it.  

That's it for now.