196.8

Work was interesting.  I have a couple of middle managers over me (those are the ones have had the problem) and a "big fish" manager over them.  Last I saw the big fish he was smiling at me so I think I'm OK there.  

Anyway yesterday boss was running around yelling at everyone.  I mean no one could do anything right yesterday.  So when she got to me I didn't take it personally.  What I didn't like she told me to do one thing, before I finished it go work on another.  Two half finished jobs?  Not how I would have done it...But it was only 4 hours so not too bad.  

Came home on the bus.  There was a "homeless" (but hair freshly died and well overweight) woman at the bus stop was spitting a lot, yelling and crying, back to normal and spitting again, I ignored her.  Unfortunately she did get on the bus but did not sit near me.  My first bus was over 10 minutes late so I figured I would be getting home at 5:30.  BUT she floored it at the end of the route and got to the transit center in time I could make my connection.  

I also suspect my last driver waited for my bus to pull in so I could transfer.  I don't have any proof.  He also did nice things like pull up farther from the bus stop so I had less walking when I got off, etc, very nice man.  I hope he has a great life with someone who adores him and a couple of lively kids.  He deserves it.  I got off and walked home.  

I saw a total of 3 broken, leaking, pipes on my way home so it's not just my problem.  My repair is holding, happily, I just had a very nice shower.  

I slept OK and got up with a headache, took some Excedrin.  I had some digestive upset and almost did something unspeakable to Biscuit when I stepped over him on my way to the bathroom.  He has such nice white fur and we managed to keep it that way... but I did need that shower.  Not sure what was behind that.  

BUT when I got up I was 196.8.  That is 4 pounds in a week.  I am pretty happy.  Dad is thrilled.  He worries about me, and I have a lot of risk factors, I carry all my weight in my middle, family history of heart trouble, etc.  My birth mother died of a heart attack the same kind killed Ron.  

My blood sugar and blood pressure are good, though, I did check that today.  Last night, 2 hours after I ate, my blood sugar was 100 that is perfect.  I am not diabetic and I want to keep it that way.  I just don't want to be one of those obese (according to the charts I am obese) struggling people gasping for breath, red faced, everything is a huge effort, people.  My joints are OK and I want to keep them that way.  I have to earn a living on my legs and feet working retail.  

And don't get me wrong I love working retail and 99.8% of the time I love my customers.  I enjoy the contact.  It's not commonly done to admit that but there it is. 

What I don't get; tax free weekend is coming up.  It is going to be very, very, busy if last year is any indicator.  And they have me working two five hour shifts and two four hour shifts that whole weekend.  I would think it would be an "all hands on deck" situation but apparently not.  

The smart parents are shopping now.  All the good stuff will be picked over in 2 weeks.  One mother complained last year that all the girls pants were skinny cut and she did not want her daughter in tight jeans... but that's all we had.  It just goes to society sexualizing little girls.  I didn't say that of course but I feel bad for mothers who want their girls in modest outfits, it's going to be hard.  

Oh I forgot I have a photo for you.  

I am not good at Selfies but hopefully you get the idea.  I always manage to get my finger in the photo every time.  Those are my size 20 jeans I took that on Friday.  I clip my ponytail up on the back of my head when I'm working so it doesn't get in the way, it also helps when I am carrying my bag I'm not crushing my hair under the straps..

I just had a thought.  Ron used to live with a woman who had a guide dog and he helped her with things like buying the dog food.  When he began gaining weight back in the early 2000's (he got up to about 250 before the accident), he said carrying the extra weight was like carrying a big sack of dog food and it made everything harder for him.  I just had the thought I have lost a 50 pound bag of dog food since last year.  (244-196=48)  That's a lot of dog food!  Ron is thrilled, I'm sure.  

I could have so easily went the other way and gained a lot of weight with emotional eating after he died, but I was adamant I would not let that happen.  And I realized that eating junk was not going to make me feel better.  God gave me what I needed.  I feel a lot better.  

It helped figuring out what I can eat to actually stay full when I'm done, as eating the carby stuff just makes me ravenous in 20 minutes, getting rid of aspartame and caffeine, etc.  All good tools in my belt.  

I need to figure out what I want to buy at work today because I'm not going back on my days off.  I know for sure I want to get some more tuna.  Not a lot just a couple of cans.  I plan to get some more Q tips at the dollar store.  Last I saw they had a big bag for $1.29.  I am a waxer, I make a lot of ear wax, so I need to root it all out after my shower every morning or my ears get clogged.  

That's it for now going to go do my God time.  

Not a bad day, going to bed early

Headache and some fatigue.  Ate on plan all day including 2 planned donuts.  

Dad got some very good news a grandson is coming to visit and he is very happy.  

I am worried

I worked with a lady who quit about a month ago after her husband died.  Management asked me to take over her duties in addition to mine.  I have tried but she worked full time doing just her job.  I work part time and still expected to do my job in addition to hers.  They (management) have not been happy with the results.  They have also not filled her position either.  I am getting told they don't like what I"m doing pretty much every day I come in and then a couple weeks ago they took me in the back and said I had to do better... so I am worried about that.  

I do my best but I cannot do a full time job and a part time job on part time hours.  My primary job has already suffered out of this and they really need to hire someone so I can get back to doing what I do well but they haven't.  They had hired a new girl early this week for another position but I didn't see her the last couple days.  

I am considering buying a pair of slacks for interviewing just in case this doesn't end well.  I just need them to see it is unreasonable to ask me to do all this.  I can help out now and then but I can't carry the full weight and my job.  

Anyway, enough about that... it has been bothering me for a while.  I was down to 197.8 this morning which is very nice.  Happy about that.  Had a headache (probably stress) but I slept OK last night.  I need to take a shower will do that now.  

Oh I wore my new size 20 jeans yesterday and they fit great, very comfortable.  They were a high rise flare leg, I liked them, a nice change of pace.  I don't like skinny jeans in the summer as they are very hot.  But these are nice I plan to wear them again today.  

 All ready to go...I only work 4 hours today so not a long day.  I fixed some tuna to have on my lunch.  197.8 today so still going down.  Well I don't get a lunch I get a break, but the advantage of the tuna I don't need a microwave to heat it up.  

I don't put my food in the fridge I have a small insulated lunch bag with a frozen cold pack.  That has worked very well for me.  Sometimes people leave the fridge door open, etc. so I don't think it is good from a food safety standpoint.  

I am leaving the whole job thing in God's hands, if they say anything to me today I will remind them that department was a full time job up till a month ago.  

That's it for now.  

Don't be cheap like me

So I was out of my whey protein isolate.  I found a jar of another protein on top of the cabinet and got it down.  It showed a couple months expired.  I opened it up and it had a rancid smell.  

I still tried a scoop in some water.  UGH.  Instant regret, I threw the powder in the trash can but I keep burping it.  Don't be cheap.  

I think I'm going to look up what Amazon has in the way of a whey isolate.  

Friday morning

I will try to keep this quick.  

Yesterday was pretty uneventful.  The one boss gave me very clear instructions before she left for the day.  Do, this, do that, do this at X time.  So I worked on all that because I want to be a good employee.  

I took my lunch at 6 and came back at 7.  A customer was waiting for me and very agitated.  I had to explain the policy, from my boss, I could not give her what she wanted.  She became very ugly screaming at me and demanding a manager.  Great, a "Karen".  

Unfortunately when she got the manager the manager gave her what she wanted, in direct violation of what my boss had said, so I am stuck with explaining that to her today.  And the woman was taught she can turn a no into a yes if she has a big enough tantrum.  She had a big enough fit other employees were coming by to gawk.  

I love my customers, call them "Boss", smile at them,  tell them to have a great day with every transaction and never talk about them so the other employees, I think, found it funny I had such a difficult woman.  

I couldn't help but think, looking at her, how Ron would have said she had "An Ugly Spirit" that was his greatest insult.  He always said I had a beautiful one, it is up to you if you agree or not.  But that was challenging, and it put me behind in the work, so I had to leave a note for my boss who will hopefully understand.  

The rest of the night was uneventful.  

I did not find the protein powder at work or the good candy.  So I am a little stuck in that regard but good news I did not spend a penny of my money (did use gift card) last night.  Maybe today...

I made the mistake of looking in the vending machine last night and saw they had Baked Lays Cheddar and Sour Cream.  I used to love those.  I bought a bag.  They tasted stale even though they had a good sell by date so I think they were left in a hot truck and the fats oxidized.  Yuck.  I won't get them again.  But I think they triggered a proto-migraine this morning.  I had a heck of a time beating it back.  

Option one was going to be taking a cab to work so I wouldn't have to ride 2 hours on the bus and stand out in the heat and bright sun (not fun).  Option 2 would have been calling in sick but I wouldn't want to do that as it would cost me $80.  

Oh and I almost forgot.  Remember Monday when I went to log out the system was down?  Today I was able to log in but it was nagging me I had to fix my punch on Monday.  So after lunch I did that, it took a minute but I was able to tell it I left at 3:15 so I get paid for all my time.  And it was fine so that wasn't too awful.  I am just glad it was all fixed.  

I was happy I didn't have to involve a manager, they are busy enough.  I still haven't had a good opportunity to ask about my time off request.  I would like to do it in the context of they are very happy with me for being so awesome and oh by the way...as it is they are running around and frazzled, the LAST thing they want is another thing on their list.  

Enough about work.  I did sleep OK and the cats got up in bed with me (mainly Cleo) when I woke up with the headache.  She is very cuddly with me when I am in bed.  She will press her butt against me, purr, butt her head into my hand, act like a very normal cat.  When I am out of bed she is more skittish which is fine.  She did have those neighbor kids chasing her and throwing rocks just a few years ago.  Cleo would do really terrible in a house with children.  

I plan to have a protein shake and some coconut oil for breakfast.  That's it for now.  

Still on the downward slide

I was 198.8 yesterday today I am 198.  So that means down 3 pounds in the last week.  I find it interesting my app adjusts my daily calories based on my weight.  There is a "premium" feature in there it can adjust things as I get closer to goal and I told it yes.  

And I ate really horribly last week, honey bun, sheet cake, makes me wonder what it would have been had I eaten more on plan BUT not going to beat myself up.  The goal is to arrive at a place where I have the tools to maintain the weight.  In the past I have not done that, easy off, easy on.  And I think it is important to learn how to have one exception now and then and get back on the plan.  I have not been good at that in the past.  

Hopefully I will never sit on the couch with that awful can of frosting and a spoon, watching TV.  Oh that had nothing good for me in there.  And sadly the cans of frosting are cheap.  A premium pint of keto ice cream was about $5 when I got it, the frosting is about $2.  

Don't be like me and eating the frosting.  I am lucky I am not diabetic.  

That is one thing I talked to Dad about, he is a type 2 diabetic.  Another reason I want to be smart with my eating.  My brother is a type one, my Dad is a type 2, that is not good DNA.  I am already insulin resistant.  Dad is embarrassed he has to have his toenails trimmed and feet checked out every couple months by a MD.  He calls the guy his toenail doctor.  That is so important if you are diabetic because a lot of do-it-yourself foot care ends up in an amputation and I told Dad that, how many times I had ridden paratransit with a diabetic with a fresh amputation and how awful it was.  Mom was like "Preach it girl!" and Dad actually listened because I'm not the wife.  

No man ever listens to the wife!  

So he has been doing that and I am very happy for him.  Medicare pays for this apparently.  But I will tell Dad if he needs it more often than the every 2 months I will pay for it myself.  It is really important.  I am happy he felt like he could talk about it with me. 

Now my aunt trims all the hair in the family she is the only one goes to a hair dresser and even then has a simple hair style with no color or perm.  She looks great.  So do the men whose hair she does.  You would never guess.  Something like that you can do at home (and she trimmed my hair some time back) but not your feet.  

I plan to avoid diabetes but if I get it I will be seeing a specialist with my Medicare.  Especially as I work on my feet every day and stand a lot at the bus stop coming and going from work.  It is really important to baby my feet.  

If it matters I have bare feet in the house.  I love bare feet.  That has been a problem with the fire ant issue which is still ongoing.  I don't go barefoot outside anymore after I stepped on a wasp.  It lived but stung me pretty good on the arch of my foot; and the next day I had to walk around all over because I had a soda delivery.  That was unpleasant.  I found the lavender essential oil to be better for the sting then the baking soda everyone was suggesting.  

I never do heels.  I have a pair of flats and a couple pairs of sneakers for work and that is it.  I think I also have a very old pair of sandals running around somewhere as well. I am just not that into shoes unless it is a good pair of sneakers for work.  Happily I can wear sneakers for work.  

I have some time before I need to leave and I just plan to make tuna for my dinner tonight.  The tuna holds up well in my lunch bag and is very filling.  I found some dill pickle relish yesterday in the pantry and tried that it was pretty good in the tuna.  

Tomorrow I will probably cook up some sausage before work and take that for my dinner.  We will see how I feel; I have plenty of tuna.  

I plan to wear my "frumpy" (oversized, dark) jeans today and tomorrow and then I think I can wear the cute jeans without worries about leakage.  I can bend over a lot doing my job so I don't want to give someone an eyeful, but things are about done with my cycle.  Day 2 is always the most exciting and I had to work that day, but I made it.  Thank God for those ultra tampons.  I am up to day 5 now so about done.  I seem to be every 5-6 weeks now.  I wonder how long that will go, although I can't discount I had one two weeks after the last, a few months ago.  Irregular to say the least.  

That's it for now I will post more before I leave the house in a couple of hours.  

I made up my tuna and had my protein shake.  I need to do up my pills because I can't remember if I took my antidepressant.  If I guess wrong and take it again I will have a seizure so I will take my shower, do my God time, get dressed, and then do up the pills, at least the antidepressants.  That's not something I want to play with.  It doesn't matter if I skip a day I have been fine in the past.  

I had better get going.   

Pretty much ready to go but had forgotten something: on Monday I was unable to log out.  Is that going to mess up me logging in today?  Will I need to go to a manager for help on that?  Will I find a manager?  We will see.  Nothing I can do about it right now.  

Hopefully they had fixed the problem that kept me from logging out.  Apparently someone was digging and cut an internet line.  They couldn't run the registers it was pretty crazy.  I am sure that is fixed by now.  

But anxiety wants to take over and have me freaking at DEFCOM 10 all day.  Or whatever the highest level is.  

I am going to get dressed and do up my candy.  That's done.  I also checked the work app and it said logged out so I am encouraged.  God is so much bigger than any one of my petty problems.  Ron used to say "My 'Believer' is broken" and that's a good description.  I need to work on that.  

I did not have enough time to do up my pills for the whole 3 weeks so I decided to do it up for tomorrow and put that container on top.  So I have a "Friday" antidepressant all ready to go.  I take my PM medication to work with me and take it with my lunch.  It works.  I don't like to take it too early as it makes me very thirsty and that can be a problem working retail.  

Ideally I will get some protein powder before work I am almost out, and I feel it helps.  More protein is always a good thing when I have tracked my food before it was always lacking.  One scoop = 30 grams so that is pretty good.  And I don't have any problems with it and it is affordable.  If they have it in stock I will buy some.  A lot of the premade shakes give me bad headaches.  

I talked to Jack he is coming tonight, and I remembered to bring my money so I can pay him.  I keep transportation money separate from my money.  But I always keep a $20 in with my money in case I get jammed up somewhere and need a ride.  My standard ride is about $20.  But I pay more if it is the cab driver taking me home from Walmart, like last week with the 3 cases of water, 2 five gallon buckets, etc.  

Interestingly enough I believe my cousin was able to catch a bus ride to Houston from Dallas area for about $20 it just goes to show it is all relative.  I think I will talk to management tonight once I get everything sorted out and see about that time off request for September.  Dad needs to buy me the ticket in advance or it gets very expensive.  And I need to know so I can figure out what I am doing with the cats.  

I will not be posting during that time but will have someone checking on my house.  I wonder if Jack could feed the cats.  He is not a cat person but he just has to put down food and water for them and make sure everything is OK with the house... I will talk to him.  Once I know what is happening.  

Oops I did not post this yesterday.  

Wednesday night

 So I paid for my premium membership with the Carb Manager program.  I feel good about doing that they have helped me and I have helped them talking about it and paying them.  

Dad is working out again so I got on the exercise bike today.  That can only help.  I will aim for 3x a week right now, half an hour each.  I can definitely do that.  I worry about Dad and would love it if he did the same.  

He is smart enough to realize he needs to preserve his mobility which is #1.  Ron wasn't good at seeing that.  He would set the bar too high exercising, fail, and give up.  If he had just done 10 minutes at an easy pace on the stationary bike a few times a week he would have really benefited but he wouldn't hear me say it.  

There are so many subjects, the drinking, working out, healthy food intake, taking supplements, etc. he could have benefited from medical advice, he wouldn't listen to me but if a medical person had told him he would have done it.  But only one doctor really tried with him, Ron kept blowing him off, and the doctor blew up at him one day and said "I'm trying to keep you alive!" "Why bother?"  I felt really bad for the doctor.  But he tried.  

And so did I Ron had just given up a long time ago.  But I can take care of myself now.  I know what I need to do.  

If I can swing it I am curious to see what my blood count numbers are this year vs. last year.  I am taking much better care of myself.  Hopefully my triglycerides are down those were a little worrisome over 200.  I have a huge risk of heart attack: mother dead of it, Dad almost died, grandfather died, ate all the same food as my husband who died...I need to be smart.  I don't want to get stroked out and end up in some facility with a stranger bathing me.  I like taking care of myself and the cats.  

Speaking of Spotty was super cute.  He has taken over Ron's room, hangs out under the bed, and comes out for pets at every opportunity.  There is an orange cat group on Facebook.  They talk about orange cats being more dog-like and very affectionate, but not very bright.  Most of that is true for Spotty (I think he is plenty smart).  

Time to call my parents.   

All done and I had tuna for dinner.  Total carbs for the day was 35.  I allow myself 100 but I just didn't feel like eating it.  

I have been pretty vehement in saying I did not want a keto diet and keto diet adherents are fanatics but looking up my macros (carbs/fat/protein) I am eating keto.  I find that funny.  I just feel better overall eating this way.  

I do eat a lot of tuna, though. That's it for now, likely going to bed early.  

Is it a blog? Or a commercial?

I had a pretty good nap and then called my aunt.  We talked for a little bit and I told her I don't think I will mention the weight loss to anyone at work.  If someone brings it up I will say yes I've lost weight but leave it at that.  No one (except you) wants to hear me celebrate getting healthy.  Except my family.  

I did tell my aunt I will have Dad send her the money and then she can put it in my account.  I don't have the cash app type things on my phone, I just have the weight loss thing, work app, Uber.  I don't have a lot of room on my phone; I got the cheapest one I could.  It has 16 Gigs and I have about 14.  Not much spare room, and I am pretty ruthless about uploading my photos to Google so I can delete them off my phone.  So she can do that she will be happy.  

I guess you could call her my fiduciary.  She was sure good at getting the house paid off, property tax exemption, getting Ron's money from his bank accounts (thank God or I would not have any water!), hiring the lawyer, probating the will, definitely in the TRUSTED category.  She can handle putting $100 in my account.  

I am thinking about going ahead and upgrading the Carb Manager app now to premium ($30) in advance because I feel like it is working.  It has helped me lose 10 pounds in less than 2 months.  That's pretty good!  I have lost 5% of my body weight in less than 2 months.  That's a big deal and I feel like CM gets some credit.  And saying nice things is great but am I going to PAY them for their help?  Something I am thinking about.  I probably will do that today.  

I need to do some dishes and cook up some sausage and then I am done with meals for the week.  I still have some money on the gift card so I can buy a cheeseburger tomorrow night and Friday.  I can do the sausage and cheese some meals and then the tuna salad on other days, that will cover the 4 days I work.  

Meal planning has been important for me.  One for financial and two for health.  I have found I just don't do as well eating a lot of wheat (like sandwiches) so I avoid that which naturally kicks me into more of a higher fat eating plan.  

I eat about 60% of calories from fat, 20% from carbs and 20% protein.  I feel good eating this way, I am full a long time after I eat, etc.  I can eat this way pretty cheaply I don't need special low carb foods.  I eat real things most of which only have a few ingredients on the label and all things I can pronounce.  That is very important to me if at all possible.  Food is not expensive, either, and I feel like I can eat pretty much anything I want.  

And I find if I can eat it I don't want to eat it as much.  I have pancake mix I made a batch weeks ago it was good but no desire for more.  I have been thinking about getting some Church's biscuits (3) which is about 80 carbs just doable on my plan if I eat smart the rest of the day, but I don't have a burning desire to go.  It is a good way to eat I can see me doing this long term.  

The program is easy to use and track my food I like that.  I am going to go figure out how to buy it.   

198.8

I wanted to just put the 198 but in the interest of honesty I will put the .8 as well.  That number I got twice so I feel it is legit.  

Less than 30 pounds to goal.  That is a nice place to be.  I may move the goal posts later and set it for 150 but that I don't think I'll do.  Menopause and medication mean I am going to be a higher weight.  I think it would be better to just accept that vs. trying to fit a place I can't go.  I spent a lot of good years beating myself up because I was not a size 10/150 pounds.  I know I can get to 170 I have done it before.  

The plan for now, Dad is still talking about giving me $100 when I hit under 200 for the third day in a row, is to possibly buy the Carb Manager program I am using the free version and it has helped me lose over 10 pounds, so that's good.  I feel like I should reward them and also unlock some features the premium version has...considering that, it is $30.  

The rest I would save for the next time my aunt comes and we go to the thrift store.  I could fill up my closet with great fitting clothes for $70.  I think that would make me the happiest.  

I do find it interesting I am still a 2 x in tops it is the Risperdal bosom.  Certain psych drugs create a chemical boob job and I went WAY up on my chest.  I learned this one day I was getting dressed and my bra wasn't fitting right... I went shopping and found out I had gone up 2 cup sizes.  I was shocked.  But I have stayed this size for years now, and I have to take the medication.  

Happily I have smaller band size bras if I ever go down on my bra size.  But the chest is there and means I  have to wear a plus sized top.  I am down into Missy sized jeans after much effort, I am a 20 in 2 brands so I call it a 20 now.  Three brands actually.  But the chest has pretty much stayed the same.  I went from a 3x top to a 2x but not a lot of choices in tops the last time we went to the thrift store.  But I like wearing short sleeves year round and don't mind a looser top as I don't want to advertise.  

Now, if I remarry (big if) and I am hanging out at home all day I could see me in my booty shorts and a tank top if it's just the 2 of us hanging out.  Or me by myself.  I had no problem wearing that outside to water my plants and check the mail.  But day to day especially work and riding the bus I want to be conservative.  

If I do lose a lot more on my top I might get a pack of XL men's t shirts for work.  I have about half a dozen bras waiting for me (same cup size, smaller band size) if that is an issue so that will save me money.  

I did some organizing of my dresser.  I moved my regular socks to a bottom drawer because I only wear them if I go out on a day off, not very often.  Support socks are right there in a top drawer.  Then I put jeans in between them.  I even have an extra drawer I am not even using.  

Today one thing I want to do is move my seasonal t shirts (I have a Halloween, and a Christmas) into my orange room closet and make more room on the rod for things I am wearing at present.  I moved my hot weather tshirts (normally used for working out) into my regular closet that is all I wear right now when I'm riding the bus.  If my cab driver buddy takes me to work on Saturday I will wear a regular t because it doesn't matter if I get sweaty on the way home, but if I am riding the bus to work I need to look as fresh as possible.  They are all modest and an assortment of colors.  Mainly purple, or black.  

So that's on the agenda for today but shouldn't be too hard.  Eventually I need to figure out the 3x shirts I do have and do I want to have them tailored when I get to goal or take them out to the garage.  Some of them are really nice.  But it would probably be cheaper to buy a new shirt at the thrift shop.  

I do plan to keep all my fat clothes as I have a proven record of gaining it back if I'm not careful and I need to prepare for worst case scenario.  

That's it for now.  

199

 Well it happened... the pounds just come off once I start my cycle.  All that stagnation melts away.  199 the first time I weighed and then it was 200 when I weighed after.  But still down a pound at worst.  

I finally found a great hanging out at home outfit, my new knit shorts (the ones that fit) and a white tank top.  The tank top is a 22 and a little loose but I like it.  If someone looks in the window they will not get a show.  If the yard guy comes I can put on a bra before I go out and give him a bottle of water.  

I slept really badly last night for some reason, not sure why.  Biscuit was in the bed with me when I woke up, he is so cute.  Cleo visited when I was on the toilet.  Some cats feel like they need to guard you when you use it, I think in her case she feels safe, I can't jump up and grab her, but I can pet her.  So I did a lot of that and talking to her.  I think it is very important to talk to my cats.  I haven't seen Spotty he is probably outside having the time of his life.  

I need to get started on laundry.  Got that going, did a load of darks with the "dark colors" laundry detergent and some laundry sanitizer as that is all stuff I wear on the bus and to work, figure it could use a boost.  I also made some tea to drink later.  I do love my tea.  

That goes back to adoptive Mom making "sun tea" in the summer with Lipton tea bags.  I liked it so much I started drinking it as hot tea.  Then buying my own fancy tea with my allowance.  In better days my stepbrother would buy me a little tin of fancy tea for Christmas every year.  

SPOTTY'S HOME!  He was greeted like a conquering hero and went straight for the food bowl.  

Ron would buy me things like the Stash Tea "Year of Tea" (520 tea bags) for a gift now and then.  But I like iced tea in the summer.  I just get those generic brand jumbo tea bags.   The Walmart "decaf" are really decaf unlike the HEB version which kept me up all night.  So I pick those up at work now and then.  I have my electric kettle and I make a batch, put it in my 2 quart cup and drink that all day.  Good times.  

Better with some lemon but I didn't like the price, or the looks, of the lemon I saw at work.  I will wait for lemon season in winter.  

I'll come back later  

I sprinkled the Spectracide all around the house and boy is that some nasty stuff.  I hope I don't get a migraine.  Then I ran the soaker hose.  Most encouragingly I did find a big fire ant next right under my kitchen window, behind a bush.  So that may be Ground Zero for the ants.  I poisoned it and watered in the poison "special".  I couldn't find any other fire ant evidence.  It was sure nice to come inside.  

It's like my brother says, keep the thermostat at 80 and it sure feels nice when you come indoors, it doesn't need to be 62 in the house to be comfortable.  He is also on a budget only works part time with social security.  And he is disabled although he would object to that term.  

So we will see how well the soaker hose works it was coming around the house when I went inside.  I plan to do it 1x a week on my day off until we get some rain.  I will have to roll it up after every use or guaranteed the yard guy will come along and weed whack it.  And it wasn't cheap.  I washed my hands about a half dozen times too.  

You may remember some time back I was storing water in my bedroom closet and found water on the floor, but couldn't source the leak.  It really bothered me, I drained my two big refillable water jugs and put them in the garage.  Then last week with the broken pipe and why did I store more water?  So I filled them up and put them in the garage...and when I went out today there's a big puddle under one of them.  So that's that.  I need to toss that jug and rethink if I want to get more as I'd planned...but I did not have a plumbing or a roof problem.  That is good to know.  I am taking care of the bug problem and the foundation all at once, happy about that.  It will up my water bill but only about as much as a load of laundry and a shower.  And I hadn't planned on a shower today anyway.  

 So that is working.  Back and side of house look moist but front is lacking... these things are not 100% precise.  I got out the old fashioned hose and spray handle for that.  Watered my plants while I was at it the catnip looks really bad.  Ugh my water bill is going to be horrendous but a lot cheaper than a foundation repair.  

Insurance companies apparently liked the resume I put up online a year ago and are still bugging me about it.  I am certainly passionate about having good insurance but don't have the 100% social skills for that, I think.  I am good enough in a Walmart sales associate job but for the heavy hitting stuff I don't think so.  Not to mention insurance sales agents work mad hours.  I wouldn't really care about that but I need to take the bus home.  

Anyway I am going to go check the hose.  I feel bad opening my door so many times this morning.  Ideally I would have an airlock setup with 2 doors in and out.  Looks OK for now I turned it off.  Now it's time for a Chicago Fire marathon I haven't seen these episodes so I will enjoy that.  

I had some kippered herring for breakfast and keep burping up fish. Ugh.  I am convinced my cutting out the soda has helped a lot with the weight loss, aspartame too.  After all I should be under 200 pounds this week.  That's a good goal.  

That's it for now plan to take a nap later.  

Monday morning

I slept pretty well last night, no regrets about going to work on time.  My parents had done a pretty good job of balancing me and my stepbrother but he is leaving today, I believe, so all their focus is on him.  They don't see him very often so I get it.  

I started my cycle which means I should start losing weight again, I was 201 this morning.  I plan to eat clean the next couple weeks and see where that takes me.  

Today is my Friday night so I just have to get through it and off for 2 days.  In a couple weeks I work until 5PM the two nights I usually work late.  A coworker thought I would actually trade my "good" day shift for her "bad" night shift.  She had another thing coming.  She is a dabbler.  Her husband supports her.  If you don't want to work nights change your availability.  But don't try to take my shift.  If I work that late I  need to pay for a ride home and I am trying to save money. If I work until 5 PM I can take the bus.  

And the nice thing about that if I work those hours that means all new bus drivers to evangelize.  I am always up for that.  Speaking of they did not have the "Mega Brands" candy mix at work I don't know what I am going to do for candy now.  I will check again today maybe they got some overnight.  They did have the basic hard wrapped candy I can always do that.  

I remember it used to get me so mad other passengers on Metrolift would be "Gimmie candy" every time they saw me wouldn't even say please, just "Gimme".  It was very disheartening.  Now if I get a regular driver they will stick their hand out when I get on the bus because they know I'm going to make with the candy, I am fine with that as long as I have the candy.  

I need to take my shower...

 That's done, did my Bible study too.  I am frustrated due to my lack of candy but my Bible study is encouraging me to "use my gift" and "keep people out of hell" regardless so I guess I will just hand out an extra portion of my average candy today.  

I decided to skip the tuna I had planned for my work snack and will have something else instead.  I am OK eating a donut now and then as long as I'm not eating anything else with it.  

I will be taking gloves for the bus today.  I am completely disgusted by 1.  Ongoing nose pickers (different people, all races) who pick the nose on the bus and wipe the nose picking finger all over the hand rails and "push for stop" button.  I have to touch those surfaces This was ongoing even during the mask period, they would pull the mask down, dig around, wipe "harvest" on any available public surface.  2.  Homeless guy bleeding on but the other day all over public surfaces (he had been picking at scabs and was rubbing the blood all over his hand and then grabbing things).  I don't want to get hepatitis or worse.  So gloves for me.  I won't be the only one doing it.  I would rather look like a germ freak than catch something.  And if the bus drivers are going to allow this I have to be proactive.  

Oh and I need to go.  

Sunday night

Weekend work is like dog years 3x as intense.  

I was fine getting to work, it is still light out when I leave.  I noted construction activity across the street from my primary bus stop which I found interesting.  

I got there and had a pretty average day until I left, the homeless guy with the big dog was at the bus stop again.  He is one of those guys with a squeegee and likes to do people's cars without permission.  It is very awkward for me as some people have gotten out of their car in the middle of the intersection screaming at him and glaring at me.  I'm not with him!  I'm just waiting on a bus!  He was pretty subdued today I think he was out of cash and looking to make a quick buck, but it wasn't happening.  I felt bad for the dog.  

First bus was fine, then the second bus...caught the earlier bus today happy about that.  But we passed a broken down bus and I made a comment, then our bus started acting up.  She had to turn it off and turn it on again.  Thank God that worked.  I got home OK.  

My plants looked pitiful in the yard so I watered them and also watered around where they did the work.  I rolled up the hose, came inside, a horrible smell.  I had taken an iffy cucumber out of the fridge this morning and it had stunk up the whole house.  Yuck.  I got rid of it, washed my hands, went to the bathroom.  Surprise!  It's my irregular visitor.  I took care of that.  

I talked to my aunt on the way home, Mom and Dad are apparently busy.  They have another half hour to contact me and then I am turning off the phone and going to bed.  I need my sleep.  

I did a fridge inventory I have plenty of sausage, but need more tuna.  I also plan to get more tortillas tomorrow as well.  I can pack tuna and tortillas home in my bag.  I don't really need a grocery run, happily, because I only have 2 days off, and getting supplies on the bus takes up half a day.  

That's it for now.  

Freaks and geeks

Ick factor ahead skip to +++ if you want to pass it up.  

Not long ago one bus driver was talking about my second route, called it the "freaks and geeks" route and "Especially bad at X intersection".  At X intersection yesterday a homeless man got on, picking at scabs on his arm and bleeding everywhere, rubbing the blood around and putting the bloody arm against the seat, hand rail, etc.  It was completely disgusting I almost vomited.  I couldn't believe the driver let him on the bus.  

Later on a woman got on, also homeless, at the hospital, and it was apparent she had not washed her hair in a very long time.  My scalp crawled looking at it.  Happily I always wear my hair pinned up on the bus so I didn't have to worry about lice or bedbugs.  

So I have decided I am going to wear gloves when riding the bus from now on.  At least on the freaks and geeks route.  

The sad thing, I understand 1.  Not wanting to bathe when depressed (because there are places absolutely would have given her a shower) and 2.  Picking at your skin when depressed, I have done that off and on for a long time (but never like that).  That doesn't make it OK on the bus.  I was particularly peeved at the driver for letting him on.  He was bleeding when he got on.  

+++ So all done with that.  I will bring gloves today, I have them.  I got them for homecare but found I worked better bare handed.  And I was exposed to anything Ron had a long time ago.  So I have a box and a half of gloves.  

I did not sleep great last night but I seem to have "enough" energy.  I work 5 hours today (after riding in on the bus) and then a 2 hour bus ride home.  I am not wasting money on a ride unless it is raining.  The street floods if it rains and I can't ruin a $40 pair of shoes over a $20 cab ride.  I always carry an extra $20 for just that, emergency cab rides.  

I may try to take my break later, it is insane in the breakroom between 12-1.  I start at 10.  So I may just take my break at 1 if I can get it.  I do have a little wiggle room in when I take my breaks.  I am really surprised I have two, five and a half hour shifts, leading up to tax free weekend.  I would think they would give me more hours, not less, but I am not stuck there 7 hours because I had to take a lunch break at 6 hours either.  I will go ahead and bring a lunch if they do want me to work longer.  And I will save $40 on rides because I don't have to pay Jack to get me at 10.  I will need to tell him this.  

Oh I am tired... I am going to take my shower and get that over with.  I had a protein shake with 2 T of coconut oil too.  

Tonight I need to go to bed at 7.  Last night I was so tired I took a nap, got up for an hour, and then went to bed but I should have just gone to bed early.  So I will likely do that tonight.  

My weight was back down to 201.  That is encouraging as I did go over my limits yesterday.  

I was doing my Bible study in the back bedroom and could hear bass notes from my music, which was down at volume level 6.  I thought that was quiet enough, apparently not.  I was horrified and turned it off, just listening to music on my cell phone now.  I would never want to be the person keeping a neighbor up.  And the one I worry about is a nurse, I would never want to keep her up.  

I was lying in bed this morning and I heard something shrieking being brought in through the cat door.  I did not find anything on the floor.  Ick.  So where was it?  That is a game you play a lot with a cat door... where is it?  

It is a cicadia and it is in the kitchen on the light fixture.  The cats will get it eventually if I can't get it out the front door.  I need to get dressed...

Saturday night

I did get a little sleep last night, took a cab to work.  Worried about work but right before I left I was talking about work to another employee, turned around, big boss was standing there grinning at me so not as worried.  Work was very busy.  

Left, the bus was late.  Got on.  A homeless man got on after me he was actively bleeding, he had been picking at his arm and caused it to bleed, kept picking at it, smearing the blood around, leaning arm against parts of bus, etc.  I almost vomited.  You just knew the guy had some sort of contagious illness.  Later on a homeless woman got on.  I have never seen hair so filthy in my life my scalp still itches looking at it.  Between the two of them I am about cured of ever wanting to touch anything on a bus ever again.  Got to transit center late so I missed my usual ride home.  

There was an obese drunk man singing in Hindi hassling me at the bus stop until I took out my phone.  He left me alone after that.  He got on the bus later but got off before I did thank God.  

Did catch the 5 oclock bus (I got off at 3) and got home about half an hour late.  I checked the mail.  I had a water bill.  I was very reluctant to open it but it was only $40, clearly they did the reading prior to my big break.  I also got the card!  I will have a lot of fun with that!  

I need to go to bed in half an hour if I'm to get 8 hours of sleep. That's it for now.  

Saturday morning

Well I will say #6 did wrap it up pretty early.  About 11:30.  He has gone to 3 AM on some occasions so I considered that a win.  When we were coming in the subdivision we saw another party going on a couple blocks away, also Latino, so maybe some special Mexican holiday?  I am not sure.  

Last week I got yelled at on a Saturday so we will see what happens today.  I'm on edge from this and will feel better when they say I am doing alright.  An attaboy would be great but just not yelling at me would be better.  

I can understand why they were cracking heads, I know for a fact one employee was taking 3-4 half hour breaks in addition to her one hour lunch.  She was also on her phone constantly while working, on personal calls.  I can understand one personal call now and then but this was ongoing.  But I haven't seen her in a while maybe they made an example of her.  I was nowhere near that bad.  

But we will see, worrying will do nothing so I won't.  I will just go in and do my job well.  I do find it interesting they were upset about my performance over a year after I got hired.  I was not at 100% production for probably 6 months after I got hired due to just losing Ron but they were fine.  Maybe they got yelled at for something else and it rolled downhill to me.  I don't know.  

I would like to feel secure; but worst case all the McDonald's in my area are hiring and I am sure I could get on quick there if it came to that.  Not speaking much Spanish might be a problem, though.  Anyway I can't anticipate everything and trying to will only get me an ulcer.  

Can I say again how much I DISLIKE fear based management?  But I do hear this is what Walmart does all the way up to the store manager level.  I don't like it.  Yes they throw sheet cake at us now and then but they can write that off...and the blue icing they use stains my teeth and makes me look freaky.  They need to either work on appreciating the associate or cracking the whip.  Hard to do both at the same time.  

And I think that is vague enough.  

Anyway I need to take my shower in a minute.  I did sleep great last night when I did drop off which was great.  That is the nice thing about running around all day like a crazy woman, it wears me out.  The Bible has something about that in Ecclesiates the laborer sleeps better than the rich man.  

An interesting note about my schedule.  Back to school weekend will be very busy for the store, almost as crazy as Christmas.  A lot of families in my area.  So my regular schedule has me working until 10 PM Thursday and Friday nights.  Back to school weekend they have me coming in the morning, instead of the afternoon, and working until 5 PM those nights.  So I guess someone working mornings got the weekend off.  I like it, actually, because I don't have to pay for a ride home if I don't want, and can take the bus home.  Still plenty safe at 5PM even getting off near my subdivision a couple hours later it will still be light BUT I suspect they will ask me to work later which is OK.  I can use the money and I had normally budgeted $40 for the two rides anyway.  I am very curious to see what they have for me Saturday and Sunday.  We will have to wait and see.  I will eat a lot of protein  that's for sure.  

Off to the shower... 

Funny, #6 did leave at 7:30 so easy to see why he ended the party early.  I am all set for work just waiting on my ride.  

Cats are good, I made them eat the "old" food in the bowl before I gave them breakfast.  I don't want little brats who waste cat food.  The stuff is not cheap, nor easy to obtain.  

Doing up candy it looks like I need another bag of Mega Brands assorted, I need to figure out what day I want to do that.  I am not "out" but will be by Monday afternoon.  

That's it for now.  

Friday night

 Tired.  My feet hurt.  My legs hurt.  Even my butt hurt.  Come home and #6 is having a loud party complete with loud polka music, whooping and screaming, etc.  And I have to get up in a few hours.  

Ron used to go over and talk to him, always came back and said the same thing "He's drunk" so no reasoning.  

Spotty is telling me to go to bed so I will.  

Friday morning

We will see today if my bosses are happy with my work last night.  I did work my tail off.  

I slept pretty well but woke up with a headache, I took some Excedrin around 6.  I got up and cooked the turkey sausage I bought Wednesday I had to do it as it was frozen and had thawed in the fridge.  I was happy about that, getting it done.  Made sure it is well done.  

Even better I found the grease can in the fridge to pour off all my drippings.  I will still have to clean the skillet but not as bad a job.  

I had a good shower and shaved my legs, I need to get more consistent about it because I never know when I might not be able to!  And I had cactus legs on Monday, and it was too hot for jeans.  So the plumbers just had to live with it.  

The cats are good.  I am listening to some good wholesome music.  I had a good breakfast and have a good dinner set up, lunch I will get at McDonald's.  Even with all that my carbs for the day are at an estimated 35, sure didn't plan it that way.  I have some snacks if I get hungry but I don't usually eat them.  

And for the first time in 3 years Cleo used the litter box in front of me.  I am very proud of her, told her, and she meowed at me when done.  Feral cats always hide to do their business because they are vulnerable when toileting.  So it is a big compliment for her to pee (in her box) in front of me.  And feral cats do not meow.  

I did my God Time but need to do more bags of candy.  One driver, new to me, was so interested in the book she was reading it at red lights.  I thought that was super cool.  God does all the work I just go. 

That's it for now.  

It's funny now

 I use my kitchen table as my brain and keep things like my schedule, keys, etc. on it.  I had my money and I counted it, and was $60 short.  I was pretty unhappy.  I couldn't figure out what had happened to it, racking my brain, and I finally remembered I had put next weeks' transportation money into a safe place.  I checked the safe place it was right there.  That was a relief.  

I am ready to go all dressed and such.  Have candy to hand out.  I called Jack his AC is still out.  That is horrible, his wife has cancer.  She is staying with a friend.  We are "on" for tonight.  

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

The devil just wants me wracked with anxiety.  I am OK now with the fact the plumbing broke...starting to relax a little and think I can depend on it again.  

Now the devil wants to have me anxious about work.  Friday night I was assigned several different tasks, I tried to do all of them and according to management I did them badly, so I have to "step up" they said.  I am wondering how many tasks I will be assigned tonight.  If I will be able to do them well.  So some anxiety on that.  

Also where is my cycle?  Late again.  I am not "active" so that's out but it is unsettling I don't know what to expect.  I have to proceed as though I am about to start at any given moment.  I have some slightly baggier jeans I am wearing to that end, they have bigger pockets to handle my supplies.  

Money: this week took a lot of it.  That's about all I need to say on that.  Not just the expense of the plumbing but yesterday going to and from work to get supplies I can use for the next disaster.  I was also overcharged yesterday and I will have to talk to customer service about that.  

I have to turn it all over to God or this will all eat me alive.  I did make my dinner for tonight I just need to remember to bring it.  I plan to have a hamburger for lunch.  I am OK timewise so I can blog a little.  Of course none of this will matter next week or if I get Raptured today but it is a lot at times.  

I slept very badly last night because I bought a six pack of diet Dew and drank the whole thing yesterday.  Completely my fault.  The cats were great though.  

I need to poison around my house (for bugs) and then give it a day or two and then I think I can move back into my bed.  I had planned to do it on my day off but it didn't work out.  But Ron's bed is working out OK.  It's just smaller than I am used to.  It's a twin.  

I am at least caught up on dishes and laundry which is great.  I didn't do any cooking on my time off because I need water for hand washing and dishes.  And yesterday I was so wrung out I didn't want to do anything except get the bottled water, etc.  I will figure it out.  

So if you pray I can use prayer for the repairs to stick and also for help with the anxiety today.  The anxiety is also probably an offshoot of the indulgence yesterday, caffeine and aspartame are terrible for provoking anxiety in me.  

That's it for now.  

I made Dad really happy tonight

Going to get a little deep theologically for a minute but feel free to skip.

So I was raised a Presbyterian, a confirmed member of the Presbyterian church.  But I have only attended Presbyterian services as a guest, as an adult.  But I do prefer them to all the clapping and hands waving in the air churches out there, they make me a little uncomfortable.  I just haven't found a good local Presbyterian church.  There is one but it is "woke" with some things I don't agree with.  

I am very conservative spiritually.  Very.  

So in my Bible study every day I see a lot about adults who become Christians becoming baptized.  I was baptized as an infant.  I was told during my confirmation (my church did it freshman year of High School) that Presbyterians (boy hard typing that out so many times) said you didn't have to have an adult baptism if you had one as an infant.  

Now adays they are not doing the infant baptizing anymore, it is a "dedication" and the Baby is prayed over.  They see it as only a adult or person of the age of accountability, can make the choice to be saved.  

But I have felt it is something I should do.  Anyway I can't really do it in Houston, 1.  Can't find a good church and 2.  No family here.  That is something my Dad would want to watch.  So I had the thought why not see if Dad's (Presbyterian) church could do it for me?  I asked my aunt and she thought it was a good idea, so I brought it up with my Dad.  He was thrilled and will "get right on it".  

Now I just need to get that time off request approved, should be another week or so if they are going to do it.  

That's it for now, going to bed.  

Some toilet details you may not want

I keep emergency cab fare on hand in case I get stuck somewhere.  It has been useful a time or two and then I replenish.  

I decided, Monday, when this all happened I would use that money for a Walmart run of bottled water and some 5 gallon buckets in addition to some more canned food and Gatorade drinks for workers.  So I did that today, called my guy who was here in about half an hour (standard timing for him).  

He is a very nice married man who actually asks questions about the cats and knows details like "That's the one that didn't want to come in the house, right?" even though he is not a cat person.  He is very good at what he does and I would absolutely hire him as my driver if I won the lotto.  He is a skilled driver as well.  

COMPLETELY off limits.  I have been cheated on and I would never put another woman through that, besides I doubt I am his type!  😂  Just clarifying, he is a friend who drives me around sometimes and I pay him, much like the OTHER guy (Jack) who also does this.  

If a woman wanted to help me out with rides I would be happy but so far it has only been my aunt (who has moved) and these 2 guys.  

So I got to the store and got 3 cases of the 40 count waters.  They are pretty heavy and let me tell you I had a fun time making corners in that cart.  I bought some canned food, dry Gatorade Zero mix powder for me, more decaf tea bags (I ran OUT [traumatized face!}), some canned fish.  

Canned fish is a really bad proposition if you don't have running water as you can't wash your hands.  But it is good for a quick lunch for work.  So I got more.  

I also got two, five gallon buckets.  Those are good if a hurricane is coming, or the big freeze we had a few years ago.  I was able to fill up some buckets with tap water and use them for hand washing, toilet flushing, etc. while Ron and I drank the bottled water (he always wanted bottled water but I am fine with tap).  It does work to have a couple on hand but I had to re purpose one of them as my, ah, no water toilet and the other one I'm not sure but it's not around.  Clearly I will need the no-water toilet if I have a loss of water again.  

What I did: 5 gallon bucket (a distinct color not shared by my other buckets), put a trash bag liner in it, put a layer of feline pine pellets in it.  Works as a solid toilet.  Liquid waste can go in toilet and get flushed down with some bucket water once a day or so.  It did work when I had the horrible toilet clog some time ago.  I resolved that by getting a "poop knife" an implement used to break up hard solids. It is not a knife but does the job well.  I clean it after every use.  

 And now that you are completely traumatized...I also bought some Halo Top Keto ice cream, a caramel pecan flavor.  It was not cheap, but it did come with a coupon.  It was good to eat when I got home.  

I was also "bad" and bought a 6 pack of Diet Dew bottles, and now have a headache as a result.  I also ran by the deli (very well run) and got some chicken strips and potatoes.  A "small" portion of potato wedges was more than enough but I also got a few chicken strips as well.  I took my pills with my ice cream at home as I figured that would be the biggest calorie dump of the day.  

I called my buddy again, he was a ways away but I waited.  He was a sure bet, other things were not, and he was about the only person I knew who would be willing to help with 3 cases of bottled water.  He was, we got home and he left it all on the porch.  I gave him a LARGE tip as he had it coming and he was happy.  I want to feel like I take good care of my service providers.  

I put it all up in the house, that's done.  The store did not have 5 gallon bucket lids but I had some at home so I am set in that regard.  I need to buy some no rinse body bath and a smaller bucket for that and I am set for now.  I also need to figure out things that are good to eat that do not require hand washing after.  I had a lot of canned fish but that wasn't really practical as I found out, the macaroni with meat sauce was drippy and got on my clothes.  I was able to get it out but still...I need to think that out. 

I also bought some bottles of Gatorade drink mix in the one quart bottles.  Those are for any sort of worker who shows up.  Like the yard guys.  I think that is important.  I always try to keep cold drinks and that plumber was more than happy to drink 3 bottles of icy cold water, but I would have felt better giving him some Gatorade too.  I had planned to give him $20 (I had a single, $20 bill I later used for the ride to Walmart), but someone else showed up so I couldn't do it.  But I did give him the water, some candy, and I even hugged him (I did not care he was sweaty, he got my water back!).  So hopefully he felt appreciated.  

Even with the waiting I was home in about an hour and a half after I left.  That was so much faster than going out on the bus.  If I had more money I would probably never ride the bus because it is hot and miserable at the bus stop, weird people (need I say more?), and it takes so long.  But I feel like God wants me handing out material to the bus drivers and the occasional passenger, so I keep it up.  But if I remarry and he wants to drive me everywhere I will not argue.  

But I am a terrible housekeeper so a lot of arguments to stay single.  That's it for now.  

Wednesday morning

 I slept OK but I still feel wrung out.  This whole drama took a lot out of me.  I think this is the first big home repair drama since Ron died.  I had to make all my own calls (many) and deal with everyone on my own.  I couldn't brandish poor sick Ron at them to get a better rate.  Although I think what I paid was fair considering they fixed it the same day .  

The whole time I had this old church song running through my head: 

It really did look like the river of life running across my yard.  😂😂

Sorry I saw that

The utility worker came out to work on the meter.  The hole where the meter goes was full of water.  Not something I wanted to see.  I am hoping it is because he was working on it but I may need to call the company to come out again.  

ANXIETY.  Ugh.  

I am a calm and peaceful person: I think I can do affirmations like this and not counteract my faith.  It is going to be OK.  Just a lot of moving pieces.  

I did get my shower and filled up my water.  Now I just need to fill up my water jugs and do some laundry.  

God has my back.  Can I say it again how much I really hate plumbing problems? 

Going to add to this.  The longer I live without Ron the more I see how much I need God in my life.  Things can and will be so overwhelming even with Him, I can't imagine life without Him.  My faith is very important to me.  

One reason I told God to "dry it up (sexual desire)" some time ago.  I want to be in God's will and I am not ready to share my life again, if ever.  And the Biblical model says I get married first as well.  And sexual sin would separate me from God.  

Now that you are completely traumatized by my little tangent...I think I can handle things on my own: I cannot.  I think I can rely on basic things like transportation, traffic lights, work, etc.  I cannot.  I can only depend on God to carry me through whatever it is in my life.  

And I really hope this helps someone one day.  Now I'm done. 

I feel better now finally got the clothes done and filled up my emergency water jugs (should have been filled before this).  Next up I will take a nap... hope I can beat this headache.  

Tuesday morning

I had two, empty, containers in the garage that hold 7 gallons of water each.  I had figured I "didn't need them".  I will be filling them today and looking for some more.  I also need some 5 gallon buckets.  I just have the kind of setup where plumbing problems happen, praise God it has all been fresh water issues.  

The plumber also said that there was a differential between the line to my house and the line from the water meter (not a straight line it jogs) so that also puts stress on the line.  So he did a more gradual slope with the copper.  

Funny all the water for the house comes through that little pipe, and it's always plenty.  At least for just me.  Ron wasn't using plumbing much the last year of his life unless you count me washing my hands after tending him.  

So: very grateful it is fixed.  Very grateful God sent a good national company who has done good work for me in the past.  They gave me a discount btw did not ask but they did.  I will have to edit my review.  Going to do that now.  Did that, just edited my former review which was also glowing.  

Really happy about that.  

Now onto petty "flesh" stuff.  Bible says mortify those lesser emotions: flesh, etc.  And I would be curious to get your take on this.  

My sister in law is always going on adventures with my stepbrother, posting all these "look how much fun we had" things, they just did an Alaskan cruise "We did this, we did that" well good for them but I can't help but feel a little envious as I never got to do anything like that with Ron when he was alive.  They have also been married for decades and I am a widow.  Does that make me a small, weak, person for wishing she wouldn't be so effusive?  Wishing I had that kind of long lasting marriage with lots of adventures vs. the life I had?  I don't think it reflects well on my Christian walk to admit this.  

But a long time ago I resolved to be honest in the blog even if, especially if, it made me look bad because you want me to be real.  And I  doubt anyone would want to read a sanitized account of my life.  Sometimes SIL does put up photos of my Dad so I may not ignore her or whatever it is on Facebook.  

And I was guilty of this when Ron was alive: it's our anniversary, we went out to dinner, etc.  I never thought how it might feel for someone who won't have any more anniversaries.  Now of course I do and I'm over a year out.  

Just thinking.  I'm going to make some tea.  

I'll be back later... that's it for now.  

Monday draws to a close

 Just waiting on the guys to come out.  A utility worker came out and marked the grass where the underground utilities run so I won't have any drama in that regard.  

I thought about running out and getting some Gatorades but my aunt talked me out of it, said the guys might come when I was gone.  Assuming the water is fixed today I'm not sure what I will do tomorrow.  One the one hand I want to flop in front of my TV and watch my "Chicago Fire" reruns.  Today has just been a lot of stress.  

They should be here in 2 hours.  That is good to know.  I can take a shower tonight and do laundry.  I am really glad I was not running the washer when the pipe broke.  

I am glad God has sent good people to help me.   Just hard to wait and then I worry will the repair stick.  For what I am paying it had better.  But things fail, God is eternal.  I am a patient and cheerful person, free of anxiety.  

But I will feel better when he gets here.  Maybe he got some dinner first; and I know rush hour traffic on our nearest freeways can be really bad.  I am patient and cheerful...

What I will NOT do is jump all over him when he does get here.  Very hard to find someone to dig up plumbing in 100 degree heat.  I texted the boss, I called a couple of hours ago (supposed to be here at 3) it is not looking good.  Haven't heard back yet...

I was really hoping to get water tonight but I don't think he has time to fix it even if he did get here in a few minutes.  

Later: 

He came, said he did not want to work in the midafternoon makes sense to me.  Came out, dug it up, found the problem, put copper pipe.  Said "Your meter is dead" so I later called the water company because I need to pay for what I use.   Someone from the water board actually called me back probably didn't believe I want to pay for my water.  

Some photos: 

You can tell it's an authentic Heather photo because I always put my finger in it.  

That's the money shot right there.  I flushed the toilet, and took a nice long shower.  

Will be interesting to see if I need a new meter (no charge to me) tomorrow That's it for now.  

I slept OK considering

I feel my water preps were really inadequate for something like that.  I should have had some no rinse body bath, I should have had more water in barrels/buckets ready to go.  I should have had more cases of water.  But I am making do.  

One thing that's never addressed is the toilet issue.  I found with the old toilet you could just pee indefinitely and when it gets above a certain point it goes down the drain.  But solids!  Well I got that during my toilet problem a few months ago.  I have pine pellet kitty litter, 8 gallon drawstring bags, and a 5 gallon bucket.  

I have had to make a couple calls to the company I think I fell between the cracks, but one lady is working on it right now.  I am glad I thought to tell her I had my water cut off she took that very seriously.  She strikes me as a git er done type lady, what my friend Ted would call "A Strong Black Woman".  No nonsense gets it done.  

I cannot believe how surreal my life has become just in a few hours.  I had a whole plan for the time off and now that is out the window.  Not that I am complaining.  For some reason the damn pipe just breaks at the meter every 10 years or so.  It has been 11 since the last break.  Here it is: won't let me put up a link so you will have to cut and paste.  It's mainly a photo of my cat exploring the hole dug to fix the pipe last time.  https://houstonheather.blogspot.com/2011/08/some-humor.html

So I guess I just budget for that, like I budget for new shower fixtures in about 8 years.  I hope it is cheap but figure this will probably set me back around a thousand dollars.  We will see.  Maybe, now that the water is drained, they can take a look...

He came.  $2,500.  Thank God I have it (Ron's bank account I got a year after he died).  Best news of all it will be fixed today so I get the rest of my days off.  

What a couple of days.  Should be here @3.  

Not a sight I want to find

For a little while I have noticed my grass was unusually green right next to my water meter.  But I didn't see an obvious leak and the bill was low so I wasn't worried.  I went to make tea while talking to my parents and very low water pressure.  What's this?  I look outside and there is a literal bubbling fountain out in my yard by the water meter.  

Well, crap.  That's not something I want to see.  Here it is: 

Blogger is acting up so you will have to deal with odd alignments.  So there it is... now I had that same pipe break back in 2011 and they said "if it is on our side it is free to fix, if it is on your side you need a plumber".  

So praying it is on their side.  On the plus side my tree is getting a great drink.  I hate to think of my water bill, though.  Worst case I do have some savings I can use to fix, I mean I will have to because I need water in my house.  

I did fill up all my containers and water bottles so I am set for a few days (don't want to touch the bottled water yet).  I save Gatorade bottles and refill them with water at work.  So I had several of them that should be plenty for a day or two.  And I have the next couple days off so I can get this done.  

It could have been the electric.  It could have been the sewer, or the A/C.  Praise God none of that.  But it is not fun to feel powerless.  But I either trust God or I don't.  He has given me the money to pay for this worst case.  Best case He will send a kindly utility worker who will fix it for free because it was their fault.  I am sure I am still on the hook for the water bill if it is their problem, though, that's how these things work.  

I can go without a shower tomorrow.  I was just thinking I probably use too much anti...

Ugh he just came and said I have to fix it.  BAD WORD.  There, I said it.  

Now I have to wait for dispatch to call me back with a time to excavate the pipe.  And then someone to fix it I presume.  I doubt the excavation guy does the repair... this will not be cheap.  

But God is on the throne I just need to seek His will.  And the water has been turned off so no more water bill.  Ugh that's going to be bad.  

If you pray I could use prayer on this.  I want to be in God's will and I know He has a good plan for me.  

The fence guy drove across my yard when I was not there, twice.  I can't help but wonder if he started the process that led to the pipe break.  I need to forgive him in my head at any rate but I admit I am some irked over the possibility.  My pipes are not deep in the ground, I don't know if that is all houses or just mine (which was a model home so not up to code in some aspects).  

At any rate this has been my evening.  I hope I can get a shower soon, and toilet flushing is going to be a load of fun let me tell you...

That's it for now.  

Sunday morning

I did not tell my Dad about this but was "coached" I think they call it at work yesterday.  "You can do better".  The weird thing for me is this would have applied last year during the whole widow adjustment  thing and also during my reaction to some revelations like Ron having dementia.  But this year I am a lot more productive.  Not productive enough, apparently.  

I will have a better feel for this when I go in today.  Suffice to say I feel like I am a hard worker.  Other than that the day went fine.  

I didn't get a formal writeup, and a couple of other people in my department have had this happen and are still there so I am not overly worried but I depend on this job for my living so there's that.  But I will do my best and we will see how that goes.  

It does make me think maybe I need to go for disability.  I only make about $1200 a month in a good month so pretty sure I qualify.  I will be glad when I get paid Wednesday.  

I need to sprinkle that poison around my house, run the soaker hose, and then roll up soaker hose as good odds yard guy will weed whack it if I leave it out around the foundation.  When I get paid need to do my budget stuff but that will wait until Wednesday.  

And I scared myself silly.  I couldn't get my computer to work yesterday.  I like to put a notebook down on the table and use that as a mouse pad.  I had the slick, colored, surface facing up.  And the mouse wouldn't work.  I moved the mouse to a a different USB port and everything.  No luck.  Today I decided to flip the mouse pad over and it worked great so I feel kind of foolish.  But I got it.  Thank God I had not called the computer guy.  

One last thought: I do not do well with a fear based management style.  I do better with encouragement vs. threats.  I will still work hard it is just not my preferred method, but almost every employer does it this way.  Focus on what I did well. That's just my take, but I'm not trying to wrangle recalcitrant employees, either.  

I actually had a couple of people walk off the job when I was running the deli so there's that!  They never said anything to me they just left.  Of course I wasn't medicated at the time, either. 

I feel better after doing my God Time, God is on the throne I just need to go in and do it every day.  A good goal:  "Why can't you be a good worker like Heather?"  She did say she had talked to everyone else in my department about performance.  So I'm not singled out even though it feels a little that way.  

Anyway I need to get ready to go.  Some other things I want to do on my days off: laundry, organize closet/dresser, poison ants and other bugs (the stuff I got is vile and I will be using gloves when I apply), do some meal prep/cooking, etc.  

I also need to buy a little tuna, some sausage, and measuring cups.  I also want to look at deodorant as my current stick is about done.  Antiperspirant actually.  I use a lot because I am out in swamp level humidity, heat, sun, carrying a heavy bag waiting on my bus walking long distances...I need all the protection I can get.  They had a nice gardenia one last year if they have that again I may get that... it was degree.  I am happy with Arm and Hammer but will see.  I am not "out" just using up a stick and looking at other possibilities.  

I have 45 minutes, will be back if I can.  That's it for now.  

At least I can get back in now...if I stop posting for a few days I am likely fine but having some sort of computer issue.  

Got the coat!

Work went fine last night.  Came home to a squashed Amazon box on the porch.  Opened it up to my coat, which was fine.  

It is very warm and fits great.  It has a fleece lining in the hood and body.  Should fit in my bag OK I haven't checked but pretty sure I can stuff it in there.  I will make it work.  Nice light color so bus will see me.  

It is a nice ivory color I like cream/ivory so that's good.  Now if I didn't ride the bus I would have gotten something else but this is "fine" for me.  And I couldn't do better than $20 for a nice coat even at work.  

Talked to my parents, they continue to heal up, aunt and uncle are back home, everyone is doing well so happy about that.  Cats are good. Couldn't find any ants in the bedroom this morning so I am hopeful.  Plan is to sprinkle the Spectracide around the house on Monday and then start sleeping in my bed again Tuesday.  For now Ron's bed is working.  

I bought more candy last night I was almost out.  I go through pounds of candy a week, and then a packet of the mylar meat stuff (like chopped cooked seasoned chicken, that sort of thing) once a week with one driver who doesn't do candy.  So she gets the meat pouch with a spork and a Scripture booklet.  I aim to serve!  It will be interesting one day to see what kind of impact I may have had on people getting saved or even getting back to God after a backslide or something.  

I had a no-booklet bag of candy for the lady at the money center last night who did my gas bill.  That is paid up, and now I have an extra $10 for the bus.  I took $40 out of checking and it was about $28 for the bill with the fee added so that means I have an extra $10, which I will put towards transportation.  

Jack picked me up and told me it is his birthday this weekend.  He said he is probably going out to dinner.  I always carry an extra $20 on me in case I need a ride unexpectedly so I gave that to him along with the regular $20 for the ride.  He was very touched.  He gets I am working at Walmart and don't make much money but wanted to give him something so he has that, glad I did that.  I am glad he is going to have fun.  

Tonight I need to call my cab driver buddy and set up tomorrow morning, that lets me sleep in 2 hours.  Sunday morning sucks because I have to get up at 3 and take the bus to work, but that bus driver needs the gospel too.  Actually those 3 bus drivers... so I will do that.  

Sadly if I had a lot of money or a devoted man who wanted to be my Ride Daddy I would probably never ride the bus and no one would get reached.  So I focus on that.  

Another thing I am trying to do is focus on praising God in advance of the victory "Thank you for a good day at work" before I get there "Thank you for good rides to work" before I go out to catch the bus, etc.  I think that is important.  The ancient Israelites, when they were right with God, would go out into battle praising God for the victory before they even drew their weapons.  And if they were right with God He would give them amazing victories.  I think that is worth emulating.  I don't think He minds at any rate!  

That is the bad thing for me, I have suffered spiritual abuse (I will go into this in the next couple days) from Ron and also the pastor I had who called me a drug addict for taking my medication.  It is hard to trust people with my faith because I have been burned.  Ron was not rational at times about my faith and would get very angry if I expressed it.  So I have had to figure my faith out as I went along reading the Bible and a few devotionals, trying to keep my hands clean and my faith pure while serving God.  

I need to take my shower. All done and ready to go.  I may need to buy more candy at work tonight I will see what they have.  The Mega Brands mix is good people like the laffy taffy, lemonheads, stuff like that which is good.  A lot of candy brands put 1-2 good things, a handful of each, and then pounds of icky filler no one wants to eat.  I am always seeking individually wrapped candy that won't melt in our heat.  It is funny work probably thinks I am some sort of sugar fiend with me buying all this on my discount card (permitted).  

I weighed myself today my weight did not go up from what it was Wednesday morning.  I am very happy about that.  I very seldom "cheat" these days and I want to continue to get healthy.  

I am debating, for instance, do I bring some tuna salad to work to eat tomorrow morning or get my usual donut?  They have been a little disappointing lately.  But then I have to do meal prep.  

I'm sure not doing it tonight when I get home I call my parents and go straight to bed, sleep about 6 hours, go back to work.  Sunday morning I have to get up at 3.  So I may just do the donut I don't know.  

I also need to look at my credit card statement.  I was using it a lot Wednesday and I will have to pay that down.  The house stuff I will take out of checking but I can make payments on the "fun" stuff I got.  And the coat came out of checking so I don't have to worry about that.  

Ants are not in the bed but I did see one in my clothes for the day.  So I don't plan on sleeping in my bed tonight.  I will play toxic avenger on Monday.  

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

I slept OK last night but went off on a tangent this morning.  I used to write poetry, very full of myself in my 20's, I was the great artiste. Hopefully I have some humility now.  But I always wanted to write a poem about the horror of finding Ron in the shock trauma ICU and call it "Shock Trauma".  But it was too big for me to write about.  I could write poems about depression and feeling like I was on a ship, in flames, in the middle of the ocean.  But not about that.  

But it did remind me of the urologist.  Ron had blood in his urine at the time of the accident so they called in a consult.  He found Ron had a "Grade 2 laceration" to his right kidney and it should resolve with time, he wrote a report and kept referencing Ron had a Glasgow coma score of 3, which is very, very, bad.  A family member of Ron's family worked at the hospital and got me a copy of the report.  I was able to look up Glasgow coma score when I got home and realized just how severe Ron's head injury was.  

Fast forward a month and a half.  Ron is out of the coma and has been sent home with a catheter.  I took care of him like that for a couple of weeks and then we went to the urologist (same one) to get it out.  A very nice nurse took it out and then a resident came in and asked if we had any questions.  

I prodded Ron "Don't forget".  So Ron asked, in his slow and deliberate manner, asked when we could "do it".  The doctor was baffled "Do what?"  "You know..." Ron replied.  "It".  The doctor apologized but he really didn't get it.  Ron had a horrific scar on his head, an obvious stroke victim with some right side paralysis, scars all over his head and body, sitting in his wheelchair with a broken leg, asking about "it".  Doc was baffled.  I finally stepped in.  "You know..." I said "Our love life?"  The doctor looked at Ron again.  Looked at me, both of us looking at him with anticipation... and fled the room!  

A few minutes later the actual doctor came in, shook Ron's bad hand and asked how we were doing.  I explained we were waiting to find out if we could have sex.  "When do you want to do that?" the doctor asked (this the expert who was called in the day of the accident).  "Tonight?" Ron asked?  "I don't want to hurt him" I explained... "If we have to wait because of the catheter".  The doctor looked at Ron all banged up and laughed.  "Go for it, buddy" he said.  "Tonight is fine".  "You know" He continued 'I never thought I would see you again and look at you now... I am really proud of you, buddy".  

I try to focus on moments like that.  That poor urology resident fleeing because Ron and I wanted to get frisky, the specialist laughing for joy at Ron wanting to get "active" again.  So we did get active even though we weren't married (don't advise!) and had a good time at it.  

But no one told me he had a 5x greater risk of Alzheimer's due to the head injury.  At best they just said he would have a "bad outcome" which was very vague.  He did very well for about 15 years though you could not tell he had serious brain damage.  He had the "I had a stroke" accent but not bad.  Would I have done anything different?  I don't know.  

We did spend a lot of quality time together which I am very happy about.  We ate out a lot that is what he liked to do, buy me a good meal.  Take me places.  I joke about getting a "ride Daddy" but I do miss that.  

Yesterday my aunt asked me about that, how many rides I was getting a week and I told her 3, and when.  She was very pleased.  I already have that money in my wallet.  I need to get some money out of checking I gave my grocery money to the tree guys for their tip.  But they did a very good job and not a bad days work $150 for an hour of work.  I wonder if they are behind those letters the HOA sends out.  

I didn't dry my clothes last night I am doing that today.  My cycle is about due if it's on a regular schedule so that is going to affect what I wear today.  I am happy I have new jeans and a cute top, even though it is not figure flattering it does look cute.  And I don't care if something makes me look a little rounder, not like I have someone in my life I want to impress.  My family love me regardless and are just happy I am getting healthy.  

I need to take my shower, going to do that.  Oh, almost forgot, new coat is coming today.  Very happy about that.  My only question on that will be how to balance it in the washer.  I think a hoodie or two will do it.  I can't stand it when I see someone in a dirty coat or work vest and unfortunately the white is going to show dirt, so I need to figure out a good way to wash it.  

I did not weigh today as I ate Mexican pastry, a quesadilla, and a donut yesterday with my aunt.  I will call it my cheat day.  I have not been impressed with the donuts at work lately so I think I will skip my Saturday donut and have something else instead. 

I am about ready to go and I still have time so I may come back before I leave.  

About ready to go, having a hard time getting started though.