It's taken me a long time to look, really look, at how Ron treated me.
When I moved out my parents made it pretty clear I wasn't coming back. I couldn't afford to live on my own after that.
God knows I tried, I had a pretty good non profit job. The county had a home sharing program. At one point Ron (before he met me) was matched with an older lady and rented a room from her for about half his disability check. I thought maybe I could find something.
The only option they could find was 1. Rent a room in a houseful of pagans. I was backslidden but I couldn't do that of course. 2. Rent a corner of a living room in a one bedroom apartment with a couple, their toddler, and their baby. For $500 a month. That wasn't viable either the toddler would have been in my stuff constantly and the baby wouldn't let me sleep at night either.
So I went back to Ron. I was a receptionist/general office girl/accounting assistant. He would call me and say he was going to [censored] another woman that night and not to wait up. And I just had to suck it up.
I planned to move to Texas first, and call him and break up, tell him not to come. But he quit his job and came out when I did. He knew I wouldn't throw him out.
For a year I had the reins, I told him I didn't want him cheating anymore if he did he could go live with his parents. No verbal abuse. He was pretty good about that from what I recall.
But the minute he was assigned the business he convinced me to quit my job and go work for him which was the worst tactical mistake I could have made. I made a pittance, I couldn't afford to move out. And who would give me a reference?
And he knew it. He convinced me I was unlovable; with my problems no decent man would want me.
At one point, early in our relationship, he tried to pimp me out. He said I was "So good at sex a lot of men would pay a lot of money to be with you" "He wouldn't have to work" etc. I did tell him to go to hell on that one.
He continued to cheat. At one point after his accident he had true confessions day and he wouldn't shut up. One of his women called me at the hospital after the accident screaming, crying, carrying on like he was HER husband it was very taxing. And based on the way she was reacting I could tell she had [censored] him. So I had to deal with that on top of everything else.
And his family was so awful it was obvious they just cared about looking good. They weren't going to lift a finger and not 3 hours after the accident his sister's already talking about putting him in a nursing home.
I had a golden moment; and I saw it, I could walk away. No one would fault me. They would just think I left because of his injuries. That I didn't want to sign up for that.
Then I looked at his "family". I wouldn't have left a rat in their care. I was sickened at their attitude that Ron was just something to be gotten rid of.
When he woke up he knew me, he did better when I was around. I had a bad case of fairy tale poisoning, if I took good care of him and loved him maybe he would love me too, and we'd live happily ever after.
And he was OK for several months. He was out of it of course with the head injury. He needed a lot of help, no getting around that. But I was happy to do it. But by November of that year he was drinking again (paying people to bring it), choking me, verbal abuse.
I realized I had made a mistake but we were already married. He would end up in the nursing home if I left - and someone said maybe he should have and they're right.
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder he said see, it was all me. He was just reacting to me being crazy. But I noticed as I got better he got worse and worse with the drinking. He was beating me up a year later.
He had a bad reaction to a common antibiotic because he was deficient in folic acid (he never took supplements or ate vegetables). He developed neuropathy after that, probably also from the drinking, and just spiraled.
He wouldn't end up anywhere good if I left him, I couldn't do that. I took it to Jesus and God told me to stay. He also told me "It wouldn't be long" a few years before Ron died. I didn't know what that meant but I did understand when I found him dead that March Saturday.
And I'll say it now. When I realize he was gone I had such a tremendous sense of RELIEF. It was OVER.
So for 29 years Ron convinced me no other man would want me.
Now I have a man in my life who has gone above and beyond to spend time with me. Who singles me out for special smiles. Who is very kind and respectful. Who is very good at his job and very level headed and patient.
I don't know where this is going.
But I want to get all this toxin out of my system before I start talking to Buddy or he will run like hell.
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