"He wouldn't have made a good father"

 I get that question a lot when people meet me, do I have kids?  Then they ask why not.  

That's complicated.  The whole time growing up I was told I would make a horrible mother.  So I didn't have much faith in my abilities.  Then I was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol and told I couldn't parent.  

I did OK managing Ron's care, though, so they were wrong.  The last year was remarkably similar to newborn care, I think.  

I worked in the church nursery for several years caring for the 9 month to 3 year old toddlers, it was a lot of work but also a lot of fun.  It taught me motherhood was not something to take lightly.  

Then I met Ron.  He gave me some huge red flags but never talked much about kids.  He did say at one point they had done an investigation on him for child sex abuse of his girlfriend's daughter but he was cleared.  

He liked to have affairs with married women.  One of them left her husband for him and got pregnant.  She had an abortion when he didn't want a child.  She was the one he later said "attacked him for no reason and would get hurt when he was defending himself".  

Red flags, red flags.  

After that, he said, he got fixed.  Medicaid would not pay for the procedure (WHY NOT?!) so he had to pay $400 out of pocket, back in the mid 80's.  But he had it done.  

I may or may not have had a couple of miscarriages.  I had a couple of very late periods, and then, when it did come, had a lot more than usual.  I never got checked out.  

Ron always said if I got pregnant he would "know I'd been cheating" even though I later found out male sterilization has a pretty significant failure rate as the years pass.  Who knows, I don't.  I never cheated.  

Ron made sure I was under his thumb financially so I had no way of leaving after 2001.  If I'd left him I would have lost everything, including my cat, which is why I stayed.  

I'll do a lot for a man I'll love and I'll do a lot for a cat I love, too.  Don't forget he'd also made threats against my cats if I left.  

So I thought about it for a minute, sitting at the bus stop, in the heat, next to the homeless lady.  

Do you have kids?  

No.  

Why not?  

"He wouldn't have made a good father".  

"OOOH!"  

And that was the end of that.  It's going to be my stock answer, now.