I fear Easter will always be really hard for me

 I used to love Easter, the family, the candy, the trip to church in my special dress and shoes, the family photo, the family meal (ham).  

Ron didn't like Easter because he was estranged from his family.  He was the cuckoo, they were all ignorant and superstitious, he was very intelligent (at least until the Alzheimer's).  He chose a white woman for his bride and they could never forgive him for that.  

He used to say the Creoles thought they were better than every other race, more so than the white racists he had met.  I don't know about that but they did hate me, more so when I refused the "easy option" of putting him in a facility after the accident.  

So, he hated holidays.  

A few weeks after he died I found myself at my aunt's church.  I was raised Presbyterian, I have never asked but I believe the family faith = Presbyterian goes back at least 100 years.  It is important to all of us.  So I was happy to be taken to one for an Easter service.  

Until they started singing a very traditional Presbyterian Easter hymn "Christ the Lord is Risen Today".  I started weeping.  Like I did today.  Apparently nothing makes me cry these days like a Presbyterian Easter service.  

I should have brought a hanky.  I was not loud but I kept wiping my eyes and my nose got snotty so I was sniffling thinking I can't wipe it on my hand because we're about to do the "greet your neighbor" thing and shake hands.  

And they preached on Revelation 21:4, Ron's favorite verse so that was hard too.  It was just emotionally taxing.  

Other than that it was a fine day except for being alone and depressed.  And isn't that an awful thing for an evangelist to say on Easter "I was depressed on the day my Lord rose from the grave, conquered sin, and ensured me forever in Heaven with my loved ones"?  

That said I did hand out about 10 bags of candy coming and going.  I took myself to the taco truck after church and got a delicious, greasy, quesadilla.  I changed into my grubby clothes when I got home, got a towel, and dug in.  It was delicious, I took my pills with it too, laid down and took a nap.  

Spotty has been sleeping with me at night, by my head.  It is adorable.  I wake up a lot on my own, roll over, pet him, he purrs at me, I go back to sleep.  

For naps I usually have Biscuit and Cleo.  Biscuit also sleeps with me at night, Cleo varies.  I'm just happy to get any attention from my guys.  

So today was just really hard.  That's it for now.