The only legit job offers seem to be places I applied myself, the hotel, the bus company, etc. A lot of the job hunt sites mined my information, I think, and sold it to scammers.
A good example, a text I got just now: "Is this Heather ___?" Normal reaction would be to say "yes" but I know if I say "yes" in a text message I could end up getting billed for something so I said "It is!" Blah blah, "$55 an hour".
There is no job for me at that pay rate. No legal job. So I said "Sounds illegal 😀, what is it?" Nothing. I went to Indeed no problems from there but I went to some other sites as well and SORRY I did. I think these turkeys will be bugging me long after I get my job.
But I did sleep better last night, I only woke up once at 3, dreams were not as bad. I told my aunt I feel terrible about the night Ron died. I had a dream he came to me trying to hug me and I kept pushing him away and yelling "You're dead! Go away!" I feel really bad about that, what if it was his spirit reaching out? And I won't go to a medium or anything like that. I do hope he comes back and I can say goodbye more politely. I feel bad about that.
But I am doing better every day, it's just a process. I will see Ron again one day in the meantime no pain, no fear, no suffering for him. I can't feel bad for that. It just sucks to be me without him and unemployed. But it will get better.
The longer I go without him the more inclined I am to stay single. There is a lot of pain with love. I loved big, "lost" big. Not really wanting to go through that again.
I can love people in general, my recipients (evangelism), my family. It is bad enough all the people I love in my family are well over 60. We know how that is going to end one day. More pain. I won't stop loving them but I'm just not inclined to open my heart that wide again any time soon.
I was 17 when I met Ron, young and fearless. Now I know how much it hurts to lose a husband I am not inclined to go looking for another one, even years in the future. Not to mention the emotional toll of caregiving all those years... so much anxiety and worry about him. I was always so afraid I would screw up and hurt him somehow.
Both my grandmothers were widowed young. Neither remarried, I see why. Now, having said all this, six years from now "I met a great guy!" you just don't know. But I am not dating for a long time. That's one reason I think Ron's friend stopped calling me, I said that.
I didn't tell the guy Ron had a horrible early family life. He only gradually shared some of it with me but suffice to say I see why he drank. Anyway this guy kept talking about what a "wonderful" family Ron had and how I must not "understand". Trying to throw him in a nursing home, attempting to sabotage my efforts to take him home and care for him myself, etc. are all pretty clear indicators THEY NEVER LIKED ME. And that never changed. But Ron liked me plenty. 😉 And that's the only opinion that mattered to me.
But at the end of it Ron said I made him happy and that's all that really matters to me now. I did a good job with him; he was loved.
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