Thursday

 I slept better, not great, awful dreams but I only woke up once and was able to go back to sleep OK.  Slept until 8 which is very late for me.  

Got up, got dressed, talked legal stuff with my aunt, gave her Ron's log in for the Blind Vendors.  She had a CPA for a long time so she knows her way around a profit and loss statement.  She only had one question about it.  

Pretty depressed today, made worse when I was already at a low point and some [censored] with a heavy European accent called trying to get me to sell the house.  These guys pay cash, a fraction of the real value, to desperate people.  I cussed him out good called him a "vulture" he was still talking when I hung up.  If I have to sell the house I am either selling it to my aunt, or getting full market value with a traditional listing.  Ron would be furious if I let myself get hosed.  

I may be grieving but I'm not stupid.  I couldn't sleep so I didn't take a nap.  I called my parents, turns out it's a good thing I called when I did as she was going to her son's house later tonight.  She said she had made a rice salad and started listing ingredients, everything I hate, onions, cilantro, I thought it was funny.  I didn't tell her that.  

If you are ever fixing me a meal mac and cheese is a sure winner side.  Traditional potato salad with no onions in it.  Baked beans.  BBQ type sides are good.  

Entree I am not picky.  I am not crazy about lasagna but love spaghetti.  I had macaroni and beef out of a can for lunch.  A big chunk of meat is always good.  

Dessert I like regular puddings, bread puddings (a favorite), cake, pie, just no chocolate or peanuts as they are a migraine trigger.  

I had a protein shake, I felt better about myself drinking it "I am taking care of my body".  I plan to have a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.  

Tomorrow, one way or another I am getting my bus pass.  My feet are pretty much healed up from the blisters.  I have found I am OK walking distances if I apply "tough strip" bandages over the blister and wear socks and sneakers.  I have done that twice.  

I have run out of non-medical places to apply for a job.  I will start doing that next week, I need to do some sort of caregiver resume.  I will post some of that.  

My aunt is working on the estate, Ron's last taxes (we are getting an extension), mortgage company and bank.  She has her hands full.  

I plan to try to relax and forget my troubles for a while but that is easier said than done.  I miss Ron as a person/husband terribly.  I am happy he is no longer suffering, though.  I wish I had some warning I could have gotten one last cuddle (let me tell you, touching his dead body gave me the CREEPS) and kiss him on top of his head, hear him scream with mock pain.  I miss all that but I don't miss him suffering.  I was happy to help him but I was doing a lot and I will probably never discuss all I did for him.  And who he was at the end wasn't 'him".   Ron was a vibrant, loving, hardworking, generous man.  His problems wore him down a lot but he still kept that core.  

That's it for now.