Very early Wednesday

 I hope an employer doesn't read this.  

I am a firm believer I have a grieving process and I need to work through it.  So, here goes.  

Last night I had a nightmare before I woke up.  Ron was in his wheelchair and had made a big mess, spilling food, and I snapped at him "I feel like I can't turn my back on you" and that is EXACTLY how I felt at the end... 

But he's dead.  

So those were the two options?  Deterioration or death?  Doesn't quite seem fair.  Whatever happened to GETTING BETTER?  Both his parents lived into their 90's and he's dead in his 60's?  Not fair.  

Now Dad always used to pontificate: "Life isn't fair".  Yes, I know that but he suffered so much.  We did.  It is HELL to watch someone you love screaming in agony and the doctors will do NOTHING.  I was so disgusted with the pain doctor.  And Ron's a pleaser he would always say it "wasn't that bad" but he was in hell.  Even when I said "He was up screaming all last night" the doctor would give him some more magnets (!) and sadly tell him he couldn't give "more" than one and a half (50 mg) Tramadol a day.  That did nothing for his pain one reason Ron stopped going.  

All the doctor would say is "You've got a jacked up back".  Really?  I'm not mad at the doctor, really, just I was so frustrated the whole time Ron went to him.  

I will say the doctor might get in big trouble, because I remember filling out Ron's intake paperwork and Ron disclosed he was drinking more than 6 servings of alcohol a day, and was drunk at the time I filled out the paperwork.  Ron should have never been given anything until the alcohol abuse was addressed, and the coroner would have seen that.  The investigator said they would pull ALL the records.  

So I get angry and sad Ron had to live like that because Roy the reckless driver was yakking on his cell phone when he ran a red light.  He even said (to me) he was "in a big hurry" that day.  He was calling me every day for about a week, then gave me his number and said to call his house with updates.  I went to call one day and his wife was a total bitch "We don't know any Ron!" so I figured screw it.  I didn't want to deal with some jealous wife.  I did not want her man.  I wanted mine, healthy.  

Her attitude did play a big role in our decision to sue Roy.  

Ron's family was so awful to him I always felt terrible, he was always reaching out in love and they just ignored him like he didn't exist.  Ron's sister told me "I won't be a butt wiper" (she raised 3 boys!) and I always told her I would handle any of that.  The most I might have asked was help feeding him.  But mainly and always for me it is transportation.  A ride to Walmart is always welcome.  And that's pretty much ALL I need.   Not even that, most times, now that I have Walmart Delivery.  

Ron's friend Ed just wanted to gossip that was all.  So Ron stopped calling him.  Ron pretty much had me and my family at the end and that was it.  My parents called and sang happy birthday to him on his last birthday, no one else.  And Ron was touched even though he later told me "they can't sing!".  My aunt and uncle always looked out for him, when my uncle picked me up to go to their house for Christmas he stopped in Ron's room and checked on him, said hello and how are you.  

It was just really tragic.  I feel really bad for Ron at the end.  He is in heaven now no pain or fear.  He is doing way better than any of us, but I would have liked to have him for at least another decade, in good health.  It's not fair he went into a wheelchair in his 40's.  

I am going to take a shower... more later.