I got my shower done. I don't often use conditioner so I forgot to rinse it but easy enough to jump back in and get it. I do like what the conditioner and shampoo do for my hair (the Suave rose one).
I just hurt (mentally) it is awful. It isn't like depression actually it is an "outside" hurt. I guess I just have to feel it, and it is awful. Like the Lord of the Rings movie (Battle of the 5 armies) "If this is love I do not want it". Ron was very clever to get me to agree to remarry back in 1992 because there is no way I am going through this again. Not for a long time.
I mean, I knew he would die first I guess I just figured there would be a final illness and I would have time to prepare myself. Instead it came out of the clear blue sky.
Now, how would I have rather lost him? The way he went, fast, painless, even the morgue worker said he looked peaceful. The last discussion we had he sounded great and I told him I loved him; can't ask for more.
Would I have rather had a long drawn out decline with him in increasing agony? No. And it's not like God sends a text message: "Ron is going to die 2 days from now at 12 noon" (near as I can figure that's the time he went).
I just pray I don't lose any other humans any time soon. I have lost my job, my husband, I face losing my home and my cats, I don't need to lose family members too.
This has just been a terrible year.
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