I didn't sleep well last night, I had a horrible time falling asleep. Then I woke up, I forget when. I stayed up until about 4 and went back to bed. I had a dream a very nice man was cremating Ron and I waited while he did it, he was very kind, and then I knew Ron was "DONE" right before I woke up. I am still processing his death the best way I can, I think.
My stepmother had flown out to Florida to take care of her mom. The lady is 99. It was not a "stay a week and then go see Heather" thing like they had planned. She has long phone calls with my Dad every morning and apparently another one today.
I can certainly relate to caregiving. It is very difficult when the loved one won't do something that would really benefit them long term, like go to a facility with 24/7 care, or in one case (this lady is dead) a woman refused to wear diapers so her daughter had to wake up 5 times a night to take her to the toilet. Or taking the diaper off, thank God I had none of that with Ron.
But at the end Ron was waking me up a lot at night. Sometimes he was lonely, sometimes he needed help with the blanket, or his massage wand or the radio. Or he wanted a snack he could never understand I had snacks for him on his bookcase next to the bed. But I am done serving Ron now.
I wouldn't take him back the way he was last month but I would take him back the way he was in 1992. But he is perfect now and would not want to come back.
And I have to figure God is going to take care of me direct if He took Ron. Ron was ready to go (not suicidal but not going to fight death either). Ron and I had some talks about extreme measures and I always said I would not allow them, and would allow him to pass. And I did just that once it was clear to me he was gone.
It sucks to be me I am scared of course but we will see. I will say I don't think that is going to make it here by 11. But he is almost 80 so I have to cut him some slack.
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