Saturday afternoon

 I tend to roll along in pretty good shape and something throws me of track.  Today I was almost sobbing remembering Ron operating the meat slicer and his concern for me, how he never wanted me to use it due to the risk of harm.  

So I was taken aback when I read a couple of posts on Facebook "Don't let your family abuse you, if they do cut them out!"  And I couldn't help but remember how badly Ron's treated me after his death, promising they would bring photos again and again, SWEARING they were coming THIS time, and then flaking out yet one more time as I sat on my couch, then trying to ingratiate themselves into getting a death certificate.  

I mean, his nephew thought I was so stupid I would believe that Ron's sister, who detests me (it is mutual), is greedy, cheap, and lazy, was going to sign over the "whole" (between 1K and $1500 depending on what Brian told me) policy "because I deserved it".  That woman wouldn't give me a penny if Ron told her to.  She is certainly not going to help me out after Ron's death.  

For one the past history.  Then the fact the last time I saw her she was screaming invective in my face, saying I had "ruined everything" because I wouldn't allow Ron to be placed in a nursing home.  A woman like that is not going to give up easy money.  

And to her credit she was the babysitter while Ron's mother worked, growing up he was "her" baby and a lot of work at that.  She did invest a lot of care into him (caregiving, not love).  Ron cared deeply for her in spite of how she treated us.  And, when Ron's mother told him she had bought an insurance policy to bury him, Ron said that was "Fine" and "Helen should have the money" which I supported.  

I still do, it is her money she wants it that bad.  But jerking my heart around because she was trying to con a death certificate out of me was not the way to do it.  That costs her a death certificate from me.  It is her policy, but she will have to figure out how to get her own copy from the state.  Legally she can get one she just has to figure out how to do it on her own, which may require hiring someone to help.  

Had they either 1.  Not baited me with promises of "a lot of great photos of Ron"  or 2.  Produced them when they said they would, I would have been very supportive of them.  But I can't have my heart abused right now I am already crushed and bleeding.  

As it is they have completely put my back up and shut down ALL lines of communication.  They would have been furious if I played those games with the death certificate.  

So I had to process all that.  And what would Ron say?  He would say (censor) them they are not worth my time and energy, move on, cut them out, and live a good life.  So I'm doing that.  Not the (censor) them part!  

I was also thinking about the night Ron died.  I had a dream he came to me apologizing for leaving me, wanting to hug me, and I shoved him away again and again screaming YOU'RE DEAD.  I really feel bad about that.  I was very hurt and lashing out.  He has not come back to me, I hope he does just so I can say goodbye properly like I got to with my birth mother.  

In that dream she came to me and I could feel her love for me, she apologized for everything and I forgave her because I could feel her love.  I knew she had no ill intent when she did any of that.  It was good closure for me.  

Of course I have been through the wringer before, that seems to be how it goes.  2003 Ron got hurt and I lost my job working for him.  Then my mother and grandmother died in very short order.  I got through that with God's - well, God carrying me on His back pretty much, and I am getting through this.  Exactly the same way.  

I hope it makes me a better evangelist and Christian, with more empathy at the end of this.  I don't want to waste this pain.  If I have to go through this let it be for a good cause.  

I am taking care of myself, moderating caffeine intake, eating large green salads every day.  I am trying to figure out a schedule for job hunting.  Do I do some time every day or just 5 days a week?  I went out job hunting today do I take tomorrow off?  If I do does that mean I take housework off too?  I will need to figure this out.  

I have a lot on my plate.