"The only woman for me"

I get it.  The world is scary.  Some people handle it in different ways.  I tended to handle it with extreme paranoia.  Of course, reading all those conspiracy thrillers didn't help!

Ha!  Mom used to worry about me and the romance novels!  [snicker]

So, I get it.  My illness and my experiences combined to create a absolutely depressing, negative, worldview.

I should add, here, I got "saved" when I was 8.  I adore my Bible.  I wouldn't give it up for anything.  Well, if a recipient needed it, I'd hand it over.  [grin]   Even AS a Christian, a born-again at that, I had a dark and negative worldview.

I'm going to go dig up my old diary.

Dec 15, 1991:  God is amazing.

January 1, 1992:  Thinking about my ideal guy.  He should share my faith and be emotionally stable.  But think of it, what nice, Christian guy... would pick me over some other girl?  I know, turn it on God.  But everything!  Things aren't good at home...time is rushing by... I'm too emotional...

January 11:  Really depressing "troubles at home".  One of the other tenants in my "home" found it "fun" to steal items I liked and needed.  2 pages on it.  [ the culprit later confessed, but not to me]

January 17:  More on the "goblin".  "I feel sick, a nausea of the soul... I wish there was some safe way I could recuperate.  But you manage, you have to, and you wonder how you go on. "

January 18:  I woke up feeling depressed.  I seriously did not want to get up, but I made myself... God gets the credit, though.  Laid my burdens on Him and He helped me with little things, too.  Like when I couldn't find a tape and I asked Him for help.  About ten seconds later, I spotted it.  Thank you, Lord.

Later that day, I found a scary lump, which turned out to be an infected sweat gland.

January 27: I hate living here.

Feb 2:  "They" were ripping up school items I needed, and community college information packets.  "All they need to do is stop, and apologize.  This is the last chance for them to maintain any sort of relationship with me... by stopping this now"  (I knew they were reading my diary)  "I can still take action now.  I refuse to allow this to destroy me - and I'll take measures to avoid it.  Does anyone think I'll actually invite them over after I move out?  Or talk to them?  If they want any relationship with me - then they'll stop.  And return my stuff.  I'm serious!

They have one week to stop stealing and destroying my property, return my books and money, and [to] maintain a relationship with me.  If they care one iota for me, they'll stop.

Of course it didn't stop.  One reason I would never allow them to live with me.  Ever.

Feb 10: A family member is becoming more abusive, emotionally and physically.  "I keep wondering how much more of this I can take.  I'm seriously concerned.  I don't want to become so depressed that I have to stay away from the kitchen.  Is that what people want?.... I have to wonder how much more can I take?  I need some serious encouragement.... or is it too much to ask?  Will anyone male, emotionally healthy, and Christian ever be interested in me?  Why can't I have a normal life with good and bad things be equally balanced?  I've had constant problems ever since I've been born.  I've already been through a load of (you fill it in) and I can't help but wonder how much more I'll go through [Oh, younger self, if you only knew - you would have committed suicide!].  Lord, is it too much to ask for concrete evidence that someone cares?

Feb 11: [abusive family member] just threatened to kill me because I drank some cocoa mix.  That kid should be locked up and the key thrown away.  One day they'll criticize me one time too many and I'll beat the crap out of them.  I'm sick of the petty threats and insults - can roast in hell for all I care.  I've reached my limit.  I'm about to beat the daylights out of them or give it my best shot.

Feb 15: [suicidal depression]  My problems are house related, and school related, but they won't let me leave until I solve them... Nobody has truly understood me... why?...I just want someone to hold me, and listen to me, and understand me.  Is there a right person for me?  Am I destined to be alone?... It's an unhealthy situation, being misunderstood and abused my your own family.  When you add in not being able to trust your loved ones to respect your privacy and the agony of "who is it?" then you're really screwed.  Maybe I can't recover, or people won't be able to understand it.  Lord, what can I do?  I had the incredible urge to [walk in the snow, lightly dressed] as far as I could, and then lie down and sleep.  Lord, I need help!... I'm in pain!

Feb 16:  Found some cool verses in Psalms that apply to my room-stuff.  I should just write them down on a card & leave it out one day!  ...  God is good.  I know He is allowing this to happen for a couple of reasons.  One, to protect my faith.  Two, there's free will in the world.  Three, to be an example of how God supports you through all these things!

Feb 17:  I know my room was ransacked yesterday, and it will be tomorrow.  It can't help but change you when your family abuses your trust, violates your privacy, emotionally abuses you, and makes it abundantly clear that they  don't' trust you.

Feb 19: Assaulted by abusive family member.  [It really frightens me, knowing this person has a child.]  "Constantly abuses me, insults me... I'm stick of this pathetic excuse for a family.  The only thing I did was raise my voice (after name-calling), he hit me, and I decided to hit him back."

Feb 21:  More missing items.

March 1, 1992:  Diary read again, I wrote a polite letter, in the diary, asking them to stop.

March 19:  Someone in this house, is really, truly, ill.  It ain't me.  They haven't just stolen stuff like schoolbooks, homework, regular books, money, [music] craft supplies, and diaries from me, they've also stolen my faith in people, my security, my sense of privacy, my respect for them, my faith in myself (for quite a while) [I was told by "professionals" I had multiple personalities, until I was able to prove that the thefts aways happened when I was documented, miles, from "home"].  I wonder, are they proud of what they've done?

March 22;  They act like what my mother did to me was so bad - it's nothing compared with what they've done!  Moralizing, judgmental, thieving, selfish little hypocrites!

Early April.  Suicidally depressed.

April 16:  All about Ron!  "I always smile when I think of him.  He is so sweet!  He is supportive, caring, sweet, appealing, and he has a great sense of humor!  I think he wants to impress me (a little).... we don't talk, we communicate.  I find him very appealing... he has nice hands [still does!] .... I enjoy being near him.  He even said "You're the only woman for me, Heather."

April 17:  Ron proposed (jokingly) about a week after we met.

I wanted to end it on a good note.

My point: even after all that, God sustained me.  He brought me through all of that, the agony of my illness, problems with Ron, constant financial trouble, you name it.

God brought me through all that.  I have a lovely home; that's mine.  I have a wonderful husband who adores me.  I have a great black cat, probably outside cheating on me with someone else right now.

No matter what does happen in the future, I know God is with me.  I know the God who brought me though all my pain will never, ever, fail me.  I don't need to worry about tomorrow, He's already got it.

So, I leave it in His hands.

I hope you enjoyed the peek in my diary.