A better arrangement

Don't get me wrong.  It seems like EVERY Christian I know is having a hard time.

This depression is a killer.  I've tried everything today.  At first, I thought, maybe I'm exhausted because I've been running and running, taking care of all the little things.  So, I went to bed early and slept in this morning.

Then I resolved I wouldn't do anything resembling a chore.  I can paint the wood tomorrow.

I tried resting, and had nightmares.  Still depressed.  In fact, a little worse because a nightmare reminded me of some childhood issues.

Ron put it very eloquently: when my Dad remarried, he married his wife and her family.  Her family did not marry me.  They didn't like me, thought I was favored.

To a large extent, they were right.  I was Daddy's little girl.  What little free time he had, I got.  He wasn't as strict with me.

I think he was strict with the other kids to establish his (alpha male) position.  I already knew Daddy was boss.  They  had a "You're not the boss of me" attitude he found infuriating.  Their own dad was more of a free spirit.  From what I've heard, he wasn't strict.

As they hit their teens, it got ugly.  But, a funny thing happened.

I met Ron, and moved in with him the day after I turned 18.  Head games were rampant, I stayed as far from that house as possible, for years.  I'd go months without seeing or calling my Dad.

I asked him to admit I had been abused.  I wanted him to admit that people had gone into my room and stolen my things.  I didn't even get into the physical abuse.  He said "Don't make me choose between my wife and you."  I realized I would never get my vindication from him, and that made me angry and sad.  So, I avoided him even more.

Eventually, I forgave "them" without an apology, and funny thing, I got the admission and apology.  Ironic.

Ron used to nag me into calling him.  Funny, the guy Dad threatened to put in jail has been his biggest advocate.

As I fled the scene, Dad developed a better relationship with my older stepsister.  For all intents and purposes, she is his daughter.  She fixes them dinner, checks in on them, had the grandson, and will most likely have a big part in picking his nursing home.

I don't begrudge her that.  Like I said, she didn't have it easy, either.  I know, in her way, she loves him.

I'm just sad I had to ditch my Dad to protect my own mental health.  Sure, we talk, every week.  I know he worries for me, prays for me, and even gave me the computer I'm using.

Maybe it's the fact that I get a phone call every week, and a few days visit a year.  She has custody the rest of the time.

I want a better arrangement.