Stronger

God only knows what will happen tomorrow.

I know this: I will take the bus and hand out the 80 Bibles I did up tonight.  Guaranteed.

I'm pretty beat, so I will be going to bed early.  I will probably get up early, take my shower.

After that, I don't know.  Depends on the drama level with Ron.  I will probably leave the house, on the bus, and go to various thrift stores and a mall.  I can look for my bathing suit.  That'll keep me busy.

Then, come home, and go out again with the Bibles for handout (I like the evening rush hour).

I have no idea how Ron will act tomorrow.  He wrote me a "Pleading" letter telling me "not to let fear run your life".  When he is calm and rational, I will tell him about the last time I bought him alcohol and why I swore I would no longer do so.

He had a very bad habit of buying vodka, hiding it, and telling me he was only drinking beer or wine that night.  He'd have a blackout.  

He had a very ugly blackout, was extremely verbally abusive, and threatening me physically.  I sat on my bed, so ANGRY at myself for being manipulated, and I swore to myself :  This is the last time.  I will never, put myself into this position again.  I am never buying Ron any alcohol, ever.  I have kept my promise.

Ron seems to think my decision is based on his behavior.  If he "proves he can handle it", I will relent and start buying him alcohol every time we go to Walmart.


I don't think anyone's going to say I need to buy him any alcohol, other than the "rubbing" kind.

It's annoying for me, because I haven't bought him any alcohol in years.  He still thinks he can sweet talk me into getting it for him.  But then I remind myself, yes, I was that easily manipulated for a very long time.  He is just going on my past behavior.

No, to him, means "Ask me again later" or "I'll capitulate if you threaten me".  I kind of set up that expectation.  I had a very hard time standing up for myself.

But, my goal is not pleasing Ron and making him happy 100% of the time.  It's impossible, anyway.

My goal is pleasing GOD and making Him happy 100% of the time, as much as possible.  No, I don't think I HAVE to make God happy to get into heaven, but I want to make Him happy.  He has taken good care of me, and I know what makes Him happy will make me happy in the long run.

I've already found out I'm far stronger than I ever believed.