Balance

Energy.

I imagine, for most people, energy is a pretty simple thing: get plenty of sleep, drink the coffee, and you're ready to go.

Those interested in nutrition will probably swallow a handful of vitamins, in the name of "energy".  The "kids" will have an "energy drink" - something laced with botanicals, amino acids, sugar, and caffeine.

I really do have two poles of energy: very high, and very low.  The high levels come with horrible add-ons, paranoia, compulsive spending, and an incessant desire to go-go-go.  Now, that's served me well in the past, but it isn't healthy.

Before they reformulated it, I used to take a Sudafed for energy.  The pseudoephidrine was a potent stimulant.  I'll confess, with Ron in ICU, the doctors telling me it was hopeless, the endless questions if I was SURE I wanted to do EVERYTHING - I was afraid to leave him.  So, I'd drink a 20 ounce Mountain Dew, take a Sudafed, and I'd be up for another 18 hours.  Praise God I never harmed myself.

When I'm depressed, well, anyone can guess how that went: I barely had the energy to shower.  Cat boxes would overflow, dishes stagnate in the sink, and I'd sit slumped somewhere staring at nothing.

Shortly after my diagnosis, in the midst of my worst, mixed, episode to date; I realized something important.  Managing this illness is all about balance.

Balance is the key.  Proper rest, proper food, and yes, a handful of vitamins.  I live a quiet life and never drank to begin with, so that wasn't an issue.

I became obsessed with the concept of balance, and even considered getting a tattoo.  The Chinese ideogram for balance.  It would demonstrate my commitment to self-care and healthy living.

Yeah.  I never did get it.  Partly, I couldn't figure out where to put it.  I wanted it in a private location, but one I would see regularly.

"Heather", I told myself. "If you still want it after you get medicated, you can get it, but 'tats' are very hard to un-do.  Let's wait a bit".

"Wait a bit" has become quite the key phrase in my head.  So depressed and miserable, wait a bit.  I'll be manic soon.  Manic, want to buy something lavish?  Wait a bit, see if I still want it next month.  Usually, I don't.

Now I'm medicated and living a responsible life.  I help Ron manage the business, caregiver, evangelist, blogger, and plenty more.

Homeownership comes with a lot of responsibilities, some I never considered.  We have to trim a tree and clean up the "overgrown vegetation" in the back yard.

Energy is a precious resource: I get very fatigued from my medication.  I pretty much have to take a nap every day, but it's usually only an hour.  After I get up I have the energy to do housework, run an errand with Ron, or rot my brain watching Law & Order reruns.

Today, I realized, I had the energy, so I went out and did everything I could.  I ran out of trash can.  It looks a lot better now, and I will effectively finish that part tomorrow.  I will need help with the tree trim (too high, too thick a branch for my loppers), siding, and garage trim repair, but I have been promised help.

I wonder if the antihistamine had anything to do with it?  I can only take Benadryl - the others cause pretty intense manias, so bad I get on my own nerves.

Ever had that?  Feeling so jittery in your own head you want to tell yourself to shut up?  But you keep talking?  It must be how some drug addicts behave.

At any rate, balance is everything.  When I have the energy I intend to harness it in a productive way.

To stay healthy, I made sure to come in now and then to cool off, get another cold drink, and relax a bit.  I'm still getting over the cold, and my meds have DIRE warnings about heat exhaustion.