When I wrote poetry

 I got some of my best ideas in the shower.

I also go over things endlessly in my head.  

Combine that, I was thinking about Mr Bus Driver and the fact up he has been trying to get back on my route.  

Then I had the thought: what if drivers are not allowed to date passengers?  

I know I can't date anyone in management which made things very easy regarding my feelings for one team lead (before I found out he is a binge drinker which killed it all right there).  

The question was really bothering me.  So, this morning, I asked one of my drivers "Is there a rule about you guys dating a passenger?". She asked me "What?" And I realized she might think I was into HER.  ACK!  

The last thing I need is that getting out: Candy Lady is a lesbian!  Nothing against them but no, not ever.  

So I told her, there is a male driver I like and I am wondering if he would get in trouble if we dated.  She sighed and said she didn't "think so".  She did ask "You are thinking about someone in particular?" And I said yes.

If they gossip half as much as I think it's all over the fleet by now.

I am not sure how I feel about it.  But I did it.  

It will probably get back to him that I asked and now the ball is in his court.  

Very Early Thursday

 So when I left the store yesterday my friend chased me down and gave me another ride.  First time it was the son driving, yesterday the daughter and today the husband.  They are a very cute/sweet family and they all seem delighted to help me out.  

The real clincher for my coworker was hearing what I have to endure to go home, not the Crazy Train, I can't really explain that in my very poor Spanish, but just I have to go all the way over there, and then that way, then catch another one and ride another 20 minutes, get off and walk half a mile home.  

I don't know what the bus driver is thinking if he even is at all.  

Tuesday I was wiped out, Mom and Dad said they would call but hadn't by 7:30, so I turned off the phone and went to bed.  So last night Dad told me why he didn't call.  

He had some sick friend issues, a well friend over, and then my primary abuser called and apparently he doesn't do that much and Dad didn't feel comfortable asking him to call back.  So he took that call, called me God Knows When and it went to voicemail.  

Maybe he thought I was mad?  I wasn't, and I told him that, but I did explain Monday -Thursday I have to get up at 3.  Once we got that settled he wanted to know about my day.  

I told him normally I have great customers but I had 3 turkeys all in 2 days that is a little rough, and my acting team lead had to pass on the complaints even though they are bogus.  So the "nice" team lead was angry about that because apparently her/my bonus go on the feedback the store gets and she is worried about that.  

That was unpleasant, but I hadn't seen anything yet.  

Dad wanted to talk about my finances.  

Side note, about a month ago he told me to buy myself a $170 Chromebook and he would pay me back, if I sent "them" a screenshot of the bill.  I did that.  He forgot.  I am stubborn and too proud to ask because I hate asking for money, I really do.  I had to take it a few months back but it was under extreme protest.  

I did not tell Dad, but I was short on my insurance payment because of this (I had enough in the account!!), and when I realized I had a tropical system in the gulf, the insurance was expiring THAT day, I put it on the credit card.  I told him I was "short about $100" but did not tell him WHY because I have my pride, damnit.  

I know it's stupid so you can save the flames.  

He was just really upset I had put it on the card, until I told him it was either that or look into the Walmart pay advance thing (payday loan I don't see how it's legal) and he shut up.  

I told him (and did) I would pay it off the second my payroll dropped, and I did this morning.  

Then he wanted to know how much the blood test was and what was going on with that.  I told him the insurance sent me a statement but the doctors office has not, what I saw with Ron's Medicare often you don't owe what the insurance says you might.  And, if I do, I will make payments.  I can't wreck my credit because the insurance rates go off that - my homeowner policies.  But I obviously can't crap out $500 and I am done asking for money.  

Lesson learned, that doctor is off the books!  

Then he wanted to talk to me about putting money in a savings account.  He was quite adamant I will be "fine" if I put $311 into "escrow" every pay period.  I tried to explain if I have a $900 insurance bill and $700 in back property taxes I have to deal with those first before I can worry about other things.  We went back and forth for a while on that (not ugly).  

The ironic thing I have $321 left after paying the bills (not the water that can wait until next pay period).  I know I need some more money on my bus card, I only have about $20 on that, and then I think I need $60 more for cab rides Friday and 2 rides next week (when I work nights).  

I am glad I went ahead and bought more candy yesterday, at work we have a decent 4 pound/$6 mix the recipients like.  It has some sour candy in addition to the sweet, and some blow pops which had one older man very happy.  I need to chase down some ziplocks though because I am out, at least in the Bible room.  

The cats are good.  I haven't been seeing much of Cleo but she is good and meowing at me when she does see me.  

It's not raining any more.  

That's it for now.  

I don't know whether I should laugh, cry, or scream

 So my commute has always been pretty awful, redeemed only by the fact I hand out 10 or so tracts a day.  

Every time someone has given me a ride it hasn't worked out a second time, they quit, get fired, etc.  My dear friend Betty told me flat out "You live the other direction" as did one of my bosses.  I didn't ask that boss she just offered but recanted when she heard I lived "that way".  

So, I love rides.  I covet them.  I am home 1 hour and 50 minutes sooner than if I take the bus, and I don't have to wait at the bus stop with The Defecator (who was there today btw).  

My Latina coworker is very sweet.  I try to treat everyone with respect and kindness and that includes her.  She caught me leaving one day and gave me a ride, her daughter picked her up and I told them how much I appreciated it and what my usual trip home looks like.  Rosa was horrified and gives me a ride at every chance now, including yesterday and today.  

I wonder if the bus driver is missing me.  If he thinks I bolted.  If he even cares.  

But if the sky is dark gray brooding heavy rain, the Defecator's at the bus stop, and I have 4 pounds of candy hanging off my arm, I'm going to get in when Rosa pulls up.  

I did give her a Snickers today.  

I do wonder what he is thinking, if he is at all.  

Edit: it began pouring about an hour ago.  The street is experiencing some mild flooding it would have been hideous walking home in that.  Glad I took the ride.  

Sometimes I have to tell a customer no

 In the course of my job and they have not been taking it well this week.  I had two in a week demand a manager because I was doing my job and being nice about it.

Gee, thanks for trying to get me fired because you heard the word "no" for the first time in your life.  

I don't want to dump on my driver on the way home even though he is an excellent listener.  No one likes a negative person.  

I will just say it was a tough day.

One of my drivers said she had me off an on for years

 I thought that was interesting.  

Now my stepmom comes from a long line of firemen going back well over 100 years.  Her oldest didn't want to be a firefighter but his oldest son is.  Another grandson is a paramedic.  I think that is pretty cool.  

I know my grandmothers both graduated college so they would likely be disappointed in me, I don't know much about my grandfathers other than one died very young in WW2 and the other one, I believe, was in some kind of sales.  He died in his 40's from a heart attack.  

Anyway my stepmom was very conflicted on firemen.  On the one hand she said they were players who got up to no good on their days off; on the other she admired them and said they were really good cooks.

So 4 firemen walked in to the store the same time I did.  They were all in REALLY good shape, I would have to be blind not to notice.

I'm not blind.

Speaking of blind I got pretty soaked at the first bus stop.  The second bus was driven by a nice new driver, a very courtly older man who reminds me of former employee Orlando.  I like him, he is very sweet and always thrilled to get the candy.  

But he had the bus so cold I was freezing, and when I got off my glasses fogged up so much I couldn't see!  I was wishing for one of Ron's old white canes it was so bad!  

Fairy tale poisoning

 My parents had a very limited bookshelf of approved books.  They had a childhood encyclopedia and a hardbound book of fairy tales.  

One fairy tale always stuck with me.  A boy was raised by forest spirits/creatures with magical powers.  He fell in love with a village girl and the spirits said she could have him if she could hold onto him for one minute.  She embraced him.  They turned him to fire, she held on.  They turned him to ice, she held on.  She got to keep him and they lived happily ever after.  

You can see how I might have gone into my marriage a little tainted by the story.  I truly thought Ron and I would overcome the odds and run away together, live happily ever after.  But he drank and he cheated and he didn't respect me to say the least.  

He got hurt and everyone he cared about turned their back on him.  But I"m there fighting for him now he will see my value, marry me, remain faithful and respectful.  It did not work out that way.  

My parents also took me to a lot of Disney movies growing up, and Dad used to encourage us to watch the Disney movie of the week on Sunday afternoon every week (if football wasn't on).  So I had all that as well.  

I still have that fairytale romantic mindset.  I'm guilty of that.  

I find it VERY appealing that a nice attentive man - who is not bad looking, either - would take a hellish bus route, signing on for a tour of six months, on the off chance he would get to take me home from work a few days a week.  

I am also impressed with his poise, you get a lot of nonsense on that bus and he has a great attitude, I have never seen him lose his temper or freak out in some pretty wild situations (delusional people screaming, etc.)

We will see.  

I was at the bus stop

 When my coworker ran up literally tugging on my arm wanting to give me a ride 

She is a very sweet lady so I said yes.  Got home in 20 minutes.  Sorry, he is not THAT cute!  Lol

So maybe he will miss me, maybe not.  

I need to get the coworker some sort of delicious chocolate tomorrow.  

Some more thoughts, on my lunch

 I was telling one of my coworkers about my friend coming back and she said "Heather, that is so funny.  Just yesterday you said you were going to wait for God to bring you the right guy."

I did say that.

That said, plenty in my life could/would be a deal killer for a lot of guys so we will see.  

I am impressed he signed up for a route so bad one of the drivers is taking a mental health leave of absence from, not once but twice to get another crack at me.  

Work is going OK the rain is supposed to start around 7 so I should be home by then.  

I got really badly burned with Ron

 So a huge part of me is very skittish and wants to run like hell at even the thought of romance.  

And then I wonder, when I die, who will find me?  How long will it take?  Do I want to die alone?  

Regardless of his intentions this guy does bring up these questions and I don't have a clear answer.  

Hopefully I can buy forgiveness

 I was so flustered this morning:  who willingly signs up for another 6 months on the crazy train?  Why did he tell me he was hoping to get me again?  That I forgot to feed the cats this morning.  

I only realized at the bus stop, as she approached.  Hopefully my plan will work, walk in with a can of wet food in my hand and all is forgiven.  

My tough boss is here all day, I gotta get it together.  

My head is spinning

 Yesterday I had mostly new drivers.  The first 3 were pretty unremarkable, got me to work.  

I was waiting at that horribly filthy bus stop outside of work wondering who would get me at 4:20.  One things for sure it would be a new driver because no driver ever signs up for another ride on the crazy train.  

I was happy to see it approaching in a timely manner.  It stopped, opened the door, and I almost had a heart attack.  I grinned, pointed my finger at the driver, and began laughing.  

It is the guy from last year.  The little Asian dude did not want the route again and my guy bid on it, hoping he would get me again.  He told me this.  

We didn't talk much I am still trying to process this.

Whew.

That was a rather frustrating phone call

 I talked to my Dad last night.

He was upset I am not putting $300 a check into savings and I had to explain I had to pay the $900 insurance - with a tropical event due to landfall tomorrow, back property tex of at least $700, and an unexpected bill from my doctor for $500.

It seems the doctor ran some blood tests that were not covered so now I am on the hook for $470.  Dad had been very insistent I go.  Had I done it "my" way and paid cash for a workup from Any lab test now, I would only been out $250.  They both seemed to think it was "fine" that I owed this now which is very frustrating.  I only net about $12 an hour.  

I also told them the blood pressure pills are making me very heat intolerant and raising my lithium levels.  Mom kept saying I was going to have a stroke if I stopped them.  I am at much more severe health risk if I continue and I cannot afford to keep seeing this doctor at $500 a visit.

So then I told them about the tropical blob and the likelihood that the bus company will shut down.  I said I would have to pay at least $40 for cab rides to-from work and it didn't seem to make sense to work all day in severe weather only to net $30. Dad got upset over that and said I had to work anyway.  The streets flood when we get heavy rain I could end up stranded somewhere.  

Mostly new drivers today

 I had my flashlight at the first stop so she saw me.  

Interesting note: not one of my new drivers was surprised by the candy, unlike previous drivers.  So I think that driver was right when he said they did talk about me.  They were expecting it.  

So my primary routes all new drivers.  One "old" driver at the transit center.  

My last route had a driver off the extra board she said my regular driver ran late and lost the route for the day.  That bus had a pretty bad leak issue water was dripping all over half the seats.  I plan to call about that.  

I normally wake up with a headache.  Last night I had the thought why not take a Butterbur (herbal supplement) at night and see if it helps.  It is a hell of a lot safer than the propranolol.  And it worked.  So I will just do that.  

The tropical blob, to quote a weather blogger, hasn't made it inland yet.  

That's it for now.  

I knew cats were awesome; but mine are more than most.

 Sometimes with people in my life I have to decide what I'm going to share and what would be wrong to share.  

Example: I feel OK saying my aunt has migraines and that the monthly shot help her a lot.  I wouldn't feel OK sharing what she told me about some of her triggers.  

I  can say I think a lot of people I know have a drinking problem but I'm not going to name them.  Except Ron; the fact he was beating me black and blue and having blackouts every night were kind of a HINT he had an issue anyway.  

I overshare, no way around that.  A lot of that is my disability.  I'm just a big puppy.  With rare exception I love everyone I meet and that has gotten me in trouble more than once, trusting someone I shouldn't.  Like my husband.  

I have learned, through hard experience, to put my bag next to me when I sit on the bus or I may have someone putting their hand on my leg while baby talking me.  Someone I don't know.  You never saw me jump up so fast!  

I don't think my family really get the scope on that - my deficits.  I am very, very, good at hiding.  Even when I talk about issues I think they put it through their normal filter.  

My brother put "School of Hard Knocks" under his education on Facebook.   I guess that's where I am.  

I have also concluded I have normal cats, after all.  

I will explain.  I was taking care of Ron for a long time, trying to hold things together.  I wasn't always there for the cats.  Cats have emotional needs just like people, and I still worry I am not meeting Spotty's needs.  

And somewhere between the blackouts, Ron falling getting out of the bathtub and cracking his head, him falling out of bed, his wheelchair, etc.  The endless progression of diapers and all my battles trying to get him to have a bowel movement.  The seizures - the cats said to themselves "Heather has enough on her plate, we're not going to use the litter box.  We're going to go outside instead even if we don't like it".  

And, sometime last week, they decided, "We're going to use the litter box again" (I have 4) So the last hour has been a rabbit hole of cleaning and dumping boxes, filling them.  

I really didn't think about it but I guess they were going easy on me the whole time.  Interesting.  

I pulled this out of my shower drain

 Sometimes I like to tease my readers.  

Anyway I have long hair and I hadn't been using my hair catcher in the shower drain.  My drain was getting sluggish so I had a look the other day and ended up pulling this out: 

A little while ago, I gave it, and the sink drain (bathroom sink which is also sluggish for some reason) a lye treatment.  I know one reader has vapors over that but I felt it was warranted.  It was only half a bottle of the cheap stuff.  They run MUCH better now.  

That's the problem with longer hair.  

I had another hideous headache this morning.  It is better but AGH.  Completely unmotivated.  

I did talk to Dad and sent him some baby pictures of him holding me.  He liked that.  

I bought a chair for the bus stop

Orange folding stool

The times I've been out there I have been wishing for a seat more than the shade, even.  

Well I'm feeling a little better.

 I had to make my insurance payment (homeowners) today.  It would have lapsed.  I am not having that.  

Now I do plan to call them and tweak it a little if possible.  Ron and I agreed, for instance, to have a large liability policy and we - I still say we - I do.  I'm keeping that.  I don't know what a "Denali" is but #6 has one and it looks expensive, God forbid my tree falls on it I want my company to pay the whole value.  I have to live next to them, after all.  

There's also some inaccurate information on file, I have PEX pipes now, not copper, and LVP flooring (plastic planks) not carpet.  I feel like (company) is one I can talk to and that is why I coughed up the very large premium (bigger than a paycheck but not a whole month's pay).  They also make it easy to file a claim and actually pay a fair value, as I found out in 2020.  

Dad's a veteran, and so was his Dad.  My maternal grandfather died in WW2.  My stepfather was a pretty high ranking veteran, if I remember correctly a colonel.  So I qualify for USAA.  I just use my Dad he gave me the number some time ago and I am in their computer.  I got a quote some time before Ron died but (current guys) had a better number so we went with them.  

And I'm still saying we.  

Biscuit was super cute this morning: 

If you look behind my head to the left you can see Puppy my stuffed toy dog I have had since Ron's accident.  They didn't have any toy cats in the stuffed animal section, and Puppy was cute, so I got him.  Baby Girl the first used to growl at him and drag him around.  She's long gone but he's still around.  

I am not embarrassed I sleep with a stuffed animal; I haven't had an easy life and ANYTHING is on the table if it helps me sleep better.  My sleep remains pretty terrible at about 6 hours a night, even on days off.  

My Dad bought the tickets - Southwest had a sale.  He used points so he only had to pay about $20 in actual fees.  I go straight there and come through Phoenix on the way back, but it's in the morning on a weekday so that shouldn't be too hairy.  Ron and I went though Phoenix before.  He actually ran into someone he knew.  

I think I have another photo.  

My boys are pretty cute!  

One more I took last week on the way to work.  I love how the buildings in Houston reflect the sunrise.  It is so pretty especially going into downtown.  

A little more about yesterday

 I take ENOUGH medication already with my mood disorder. Four prescriptions. But I was getting intractable migraines so I went to see a primary.

I had never seen her before and the forms they have you fill out don't cover a lot of personal data on my day to day life. Like the fact I ride the bus and spend hours outside every day in our Houston summers.

I knew for a fact my other medication affects my heat tolerance but I need that stuff to stay alive and functional,

The primary said my blood pressure was high (140/90) and if she put me on propranolol it would help with both the blood pressure issue and "preventing headaches" which was a huge selling point for me.

Thanks to HIPPA laws I can get my medication at the work pharmacy. 

I did some reading on it and it looked very hopeful. They didn't have any warnings I was concerned about. So I went to the pharmacy, paid my $4, and they did a consult because it's a new drug.

My only real question for doc was "Will it interact?" "The computer didn't flag it" "Could you double check, I take a lot of stuff" He looked, said it was fine. I also put it into drugs.com and it came back OK.

It worked pretty well preventing the migraines for about a week but then headaches came back, not migraines. I was not happy about that.

I work 4 days and one night a week. The night I work I ride the bus during the day between 10-12 basically standing outside at an unshaded bus stop for most of it. Yesterday it was a feels like temperature of 104. One bus was late so I missed a connection, half an hour out in the sun. There was an accident going the next way so that bus was about 45 minutes late.

I had 16 ounces of Gatorade before I left the house. I had a quart of "Arnold Palmer" (Iced tea with lemonade) in my bottle. And I got so, so, sick at the bus stop I almost had to call 911.

Praise God the bus came when it did. You can say a lot about the Houston Metro bus system but all the buses have excellent air conditioning. It's a long ride to work (about an hour and a half) so I had plenty of time to cool down. I drank 2 quarts of Gatorade (nice to work at a Walmart) when I got to work and knew I was OK when I started urinating again a couple hours later.

BUT I HATE THIS STUFF. I can't do this every week for months....

UGH.

I was able to work last night and do all the essential functions of my job but it wasn't fun.  

I am beat

 I find it funny.  About a year ago my boss wasn't happy with me and loaned me to another department, which/who has borrowed me every day since.  

Tonight they borrowed me twice in a six hour period.  If I wanted to move I'm pretty sure they'd be happy to have me 

But the boss and I seem to have an understanding.  She is very clear on what she wants and I give it to her.  I actually like what I do.

One of the Team Leads overheard me talking to Head Snitch about the "anonymous" surveys and I had said "I always fail them on 'I have the tools I need to do my job.'". Suddenly the equipment is available whenever I need it.  Very interesting.  

Going to bed!  

Placeholder post

 On Spanish only mother with 3 kids that didn't speak English taking up the handicap seats on the bus, 2 cell phones and a tablet, all nicely dressed.  She had a sheaf of papers with social service agenci s on it and kept bugging me, a young man on the bus, and the very busy driver, for "help" figuring out where to go.  The one man who did help she kept bothering so he told her to leave him alone and went to the back of the bus.  

Very entitled.  

I, in the meantime, felt like crap from cooking my brains at the bus stop waiting in the hot sun for an hour. 

More when I get home.  

I feel terrible today

 Not sure why, rarely I get "this".  I would just be guessing.  Headache but not migraine level, nausea but I can fight it.  A general run down and draggy feeling, a runny nose.  The runny nose I think is due to bad levels of air pollution lately.  I actually slept better than usual last night.  

I have 3 points out of 5 for attendance.  Plus it is busy at work with Father's Day coming up so I wouldn't call in.  Also, there is no one to cover and someone I like and respect (all of them) would have to pick up my slack.  I don't do that to people unless I have no other option.  

I can go in and drag through this tonight so I will.  

Dad finally bought my tickets, it only cost him points, he said if he'd paid cash (Southwest had a sale) it would have been about $210 round trip so not bad!  I need to go see the exact dates so I can put in my time off request.  

"You have to be nice to us!"

 I got on my first bus home yesterday and sat in the second set of forward facing seats on the driver's side.  There was a woman facing forward in front of me, talking to a lady sitting in the sideways facing seats.  I will call the sideways lady jumpsuit as she was wearing a skintight one.  

Jumpsuit was very animated, talking about how she ended up on probation for threatening her birth mother with a knife.  The conversation unfolded, the birth mother lost custody when Jumpsuit was a baby and Jumpsuit tracked her down as a teenager.  The mother was an alcoholic and homeless so Jumpsuit invited her to live together.  

She established a few ground rules including no property damage, no visitors, and no drinking.  The final straw Jumpsuit came home one day Mom was partying with her homeless friends.  Holes had been punched in the drywall.  Jumpsuit and her Mom got into a heated argument and Mom pulled a knife.  "So I pulled a bigger knife"

She went on to say she was done "saving" her mother.  An older white lady, obviously a homeless alcoholic, took exception to that "You can't give up on your mother!"

Jumpsuit began a litany of abuses, broken promises, etc "I tried to help her for 15 years. I'm done.  She wouldn't follow the rules!"

"Rules are mean!". The old lady replied.  "Addicts are SICK.  You have to be nice to us!". I wanted to vomit.

Jumpsuit's reply to that, while very appropriate, would get me in trouble if I repeated it.  

Mr B

 My brother met Mr B in elementary school and brought him home.  Mr B was an elderly Jewish man, a WW2 veteran who lost his fiance while fighting overseas.  He never remarried but he loved kids.  

He would hang out around the elementary school, talk to us, give us Starburst candy.  We all adored him and he was never inappropriate.  One of my classmates mother's had him banned, though, convinced he was a pervert.  

He never touched me, but I would (on my own, Mom says), hug him, kiss him, get in his lap.  I didn't have a grandfather both of mine had died, so he got all that affection.

Mom talked to him and he would come by the house, pick up the 3 younger kids (the oldest didn't like him) and take us to 7-11 where he would buy us each a slurpee and a candy selection of our choice.  I preferred chocolate.  

We only had one problem, the red dye in the cherry slurpees made me hyper so I was only allowed to get the Coke flavor 

But it was good times with a very sweet old man who loved the hugs I gave him.  I loved him.

Possible trigger: 

We had 2 regulars today on the bus.  The man who wears the vocational college T-shirt, who was touching himself on the bus yesterday, and a young mom with 3 boys and a girl.  The oldest is a boy about 10, another boy, a 3-4 year old girl, and a toddler boy.  

The pervert kept paying attention to the little girl, giving her candy.  He did not give the boys candy.  

Mr B did not do that.  He treated all children equally.  

I had a very bad hit but the mother was permitting it.  I have learned I can't meddle in some things.  If I do see the Mom without that guy around I will warn her.  

Not every man on the bus is a nice guy.  

"Get in!"

 I was tired as I left work.  I was exhausted.  Then it began to rain.  

When I saw the Defecator at the bus stop, raving nonsense, shirtless, with his shopping cart full of trash pulled completely under the bus shelter (leaving no room for me), I almost cried.  

I stood there on the other side of the street getting up my resolve to cross and deal with probably the most dangerous person I encounter in my daily travels.  

When I heard someone calling my name.  I looked around.  A lady from work had her head out the window of a car, beckoning me.  "Heather, get in!"  

She did not have to ask me twice!  

Tuesday is my hard day

 The challenging boss and I work the same shift   She has been pecking at me some but nothing too awful.  

Tomorrow, on the other hand, I only have to deal with her for an hour.  Thursday is 4 hours, Friday 5.  But today's 6.  It's also her Monday so she tends to be irritable.  

I have some cute cat photos I will post later.  I can't do it from my phone.  

All aboard the crazy train

 Why is he taking off his pants?!?!?  I am trying not to look.

Other than that an uneventful ride so far.  

She was right

 Many years ago Ann Landers ran a column with a letter from a reader.  The reader had a medical problem and was in a coma for some time.  "You said" the writer stated "That people in a coma can hear and understand everything that goes on around them.  I didn't believe you until it happened to me.  I learned a lot - all of it bad - about what I thought was a loving family.  They shared malicious gossip about me at my bedside and plotted to divide my jewelry.  I recovered, confronted them with what was said, and our relationship is ruined."  

So when Ron got hurt I remembered this, of course.  I measured everything I said to him.  I even wore his favorite "date night" perfume to the hospital every day because I figured the scent might do something words and medicine could not.  I talked to him endlessly.  

At first his family did the cheerleader thing so I didn't worry.  "Take your time" they told him.  

When they left I would tell him "Look they are not giving me any money from the business and I have to pay the rent, wake your ass up!"  I promised I would never lie to him about his condition.  I told him the doctors were saying things looked bad but God hadn't taken him and I had a sign from God (look up my Psalm 72 blog) he would make it.  

The family began malicious gossip at his bedside and talking about how they would place him in a facility when he did wake up.  I took them aside, told them about the Ann Landers letter, BEGGED them to consider what they were saying, and to PLEASE ONLY SAY THINGS YOU'D SAY IF HE WAS AWAKE.  

They didn't listen.  How do I know?  

When Ron came back he, by his own admission, "played dumb" for a week.  He took the time to evaluate everyone around him.  His family, he later related, had engaged in vicious and unrelenting gossip about Ron, me, our relationship, and their plan to dump Ron as soon as legally possible so he could rot in some Medicaid hellhole nursing home.  How his sister said she didn't want to be a butt-wiper.  It did not go well, some months later, when he confronted his parents with this fact and told them "Heather was RIGHT!  I HEARD YOU SAY IT!"  That's when they cut off contact.  

I was amazed at what he knew.  He remembered me saying I would take care of him until he died (which I did), how I said I would always tell him the truth about his condition (I did), and even the fact that Shadow had caught and eaten a dove the day after his accident.  

If someone is in a coma, measure your words VERY carefully.  

"Is your brain attacking you again?"

 While Ron got a book on seizures, for himself, after he developed epilepsy; got a book on menopause and female hormonal issues when I had trouble with cramps, and a book on brain damage - interestingly enough BEFORE his accident ("Conversations with Neil's Brain"), he never got a book on bipolar disorder.  But I was able to tell him enough he learned that sometimes I just got depressed for no reason, it was no one's fault, and I would just have to knuckle through.  

I'm dealing with that today and, like "Get Off Your Feet" I can hear him saying "Is your brain attacking you today?".  

Yes, it is.  

"Get off your feet!"

 Ron used to tell me that when we had the deli.  He was always encouraging me to sit down between customers because he worried about my feet.  

He always worried about my feet and encouraged me go get good shoes if at all possible.  When they were open, though, I could generally only afford a "Payless" type of shoe.  I never shopped at a Walmart until we moved to Houston.  

I did what I could - I think the cashiering jobs were the worst because it's standing in one place for hours on end, generally with minimal breaks.  Ron told me he used to go to the Lucky Supermarket near his apartment in the late 80's and a cashier would help him shop, it was the same young lady every time.  He sent her flowers but she had a boyfriend.  She was the one who told him about feet hurting.  

Ron had flat feet so he always had trouble with his feet hurting.  His feet were remarkably flat.  I used to give him foot rubs (which he loved) and I would just be in awe of the fact he had literally no arch at all.  He couldn't do foot rubs after the Bactrim in 2008 it bothered him.  But he sure loved them when I could.  

When I work I generally clock about 5-7 miles a day on my feet.  My shoes wear out pretty quick.  I wore a pair last week and they were bothering me.  I forgot which pair it was and wore them again Sunday and boy that was uncomfortable.  I could hear Ron yelling in my head.  I threw the shoes out when I got home.  I'll get some new shoes when I get paid again.  I get the Men's Athletic Works sneaker and put 2 insoles in them, they are pretty squishy and plush feeling after that.  I have the type of gait I don't need "motion control" - my feet don't roll enough, so just any shoe with good padding will work.  

My feet seem fine today, once I got up and started moving around.  I had some plantar issues about 10 years ago and it got really bad.  I was limping around all the time but Ron didn't know because he was in a wheelchair.  He would have felt the change in my gait if I had been walking him around.  This is nowhere near that bad.  

Looking back, I'm glad I did this

 I was very invested in proving myself and painting myself in a good light the first several years of the blog.  That the in laws and basically the world were in the wrong, and I in the right.  That Saint Heather rode to the rescue when Ron needed her most and we had a happy ending.  

Of course real life is MUCH more complex than that.  

But I did think of one thing I did that I'm proud of doing.  After Ron's accident the medical people were very grim.  Essentially, Ron had the worst head injury you could have while still keeping the brains in the skull.  So, understandably, they were pretty pessimistic about his odds of having what they called "A good outcome". 21 years, 6 months later I think he did pretty well considering.  

But he was definitely impaired.  He'd had a stroke "on my right side" as he always said, he of course had the stroke on the left side and it affected his right.  I didn't know how to work with that, the fact he had "sternal precautions" from open heart surgery, broken ribs (right side) and a badly broken leg that required surgery (but Dr Tucker did a great job on that one).  They had him in a skilled nursing floor with 24/7 care but made it clear he would not be staying for long.  

The in laws just planned to legally abandon him, to refuse to care for him and then have him become a ward of the state and placed in some (hellhole) facility, where he'd likely die pretty quick.  I had other plans.  

But first I had to learn how to take care of him.  I began by asking the doctors for classes.  They said "We don't offer anything like that, but it is a good idea" (they later began a program).  I asked the nurses.  They were "too busy".  And I understood that because I had read some biographies of nurses (Echo Heron in particular).  I begged one nurse for help, crying and telling her the in laws plans for Ron if I wasn't able to take care of him and how desperately I needed to learn these skills.  

This is back when they kept "the chart" as pages of paper in a big plastic binder.  Everyone who cared for Ron would look in the chart before helping him and then make notes after they left.  

She looked at me for a moment and gave me a piece of paper "Write a note" she said kindly "to the staff, asking for help.  I will put this in the front of the chart".  So I basically begged for help/training on how to care for Ron so I could take him home and get him better.  

And wow.  What a result!  EVERYONE came in that room, "I read your note" they'd start.  "I'm going to teach you how to..." (make a bed with him in it, give him a bed bath, transfer to commode chair, etc.  By the time he left I was READY.  I knew it.  My FIL knew it (and signed over custody), the social worker, the physical therapist, ALL the nurses and nurse aides knew it.  

I thank God every day for that kindly nurse and her suggestion.  Our story could have had a horrible ending if she hadn't done that.  

Monday morning, a rare weekday off.

I got the credit card paid off, the computer paid (Dad reimbursed me).  I need to wait for something to clear my account and then make the payment on the insurance.   

I slept horribly last night, I kept waking up every hour or so.  I had nightmares about an earthquake in CA.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  

Yesterday the TV at work had pride day parades on TV, talking about "the state of pride' before.  Just once I'd like to see some real evangelism.  They used to play David Jeremiah - I liked him - or Joel Osteen (I don't).  Most of the time they have the 24 hour streaming channel 13 which I think is appropriate.  

I really like the Chromebook I was worried I was going to feel like I was settling but I don't.  Cleo is next to me on the couch demanding pets and purring at me.  Spotty's on the back of the couch watching me type.  It's cute.  Oh!  Cleo is doing "the tractor" where she backs her butt into me.  I love that one.  I am playing music on the speakers and they are very good.  I feel like the computer is fast and it has a great display.  

If I could beat this headache I'd be a happy woman.  I'm going to fix a protein shake and take my pills.  

How do you like me now?

How do you like me now?
How do you like me now?
Now that I'm on my way
Do you still think I'm crazy standing here today?
I couldn't make you love me but I always dreamed about livin' in your radio
How do you like me now?

 I find that song heartbreaking.  Ron believed his whole life he had a close, loving, family, and more than once warned me he would dump me if they disapproved.  So, to me, for a very long time, I sought their approval, didn't disagree, etc 

Then he got run over.  His mother didn't want lifesaving surgery and Ron, the idiot, hadn't married me so I had no say.  I had to beg his father to sign the consent form, which he did.  

No one knew how Ron would turn out after his head injury and they started planning to legally abandon him so he would become a ward of the state.  I objected.  Vehemently.  I asked for training and said I'd take care of him to anyone who'd listen. 

Ultimately,Ron himself told his Dad he wanted to go home with me.  So Ron's Dad signed a form giving me custody. 

When Ron came back to himself I had a lot to say about his "family", none of it nice.  He didn't believe me at first but then began recalling conversations he had overheard and realized I was right.  

And he made an amazing recovery for many years.  He ran the business, used spreadsheets, did bank reconciliations,set up my voicemail, things like that.  He set up a really cute greeting on my voicemail with Frosty meowing.  We bought a house, got a mortgage, etc   He set up all the paratransit trips.

He did pretty well physically for a while too even mowing the yard.  The whole time he kept reaching out to them, calling, dropping by his parents house (they told us to leave and not come back), etc.  They stopped taking his calls; he got me a phone and called them, they picked up, realized it was him, and hung up.  It broke his heart.  

About this time the song came out: 

How do you like me now?
How do you like me now?
Now that I'm on my way
Do you still think I'm crazy standing here today?
I couldn't make you love me but I always dreamed about livin' in your radio
How do you like me now?

He adopted it as his anthem for his family, shouting the lyrics while drunk and sobbing.  It was horrible.  

And they play the song regularly at my store, every time I remember Ron singing along as he cried.  I wish they would take it off the playlist.  

I wonder what I should do with my tampons

 I haven't had a cycle since January.  This is a personal record but I'm at the right age to wrap this up.  

It is practically a holiday SHE isn't there!  One of my coworkers is positively gleeful.  

I plan to keep bringing a few tampons to work every day, you never know.  At least until I'm in official menopause.  

Dad sent me a Chromebook

 When he got a look at what I was using.  I set it up yesterday.  It was very easy but I did unplug the router by accident and then I couldn't find the network.  I got that sorted and Biscuit got in my lap, walked on the track pad, and selected a neighbor's network!  It was pretty funny.  

I took a ton of photos I will post later.  I set up "smart lock" so my phone can unlock the laptop.  

A quick run down: I got a used computer at an auction in 95.  Built my own computer in 99.  After that I bought a series of used computers.  I bought a used laptop in 2002 to help run the business, it had a good run, Ron bought me a reconditioned one a few times, Dad gave me an old laptop which was stolen, my very sweet brother in law sent me another one.  Ron bought me the reconditioned ones.  Eric gave me one of his.  

So this is my first "new" computer in 25 years.  I like it a lot it is a wonderful size for me and does everything I want. I am still figuring it out.  

I was using a corded mouse and keyboard on my old system because I got tired of changing batteries.  I was already using Chrome as my browser. 

I just need to set up Sheets so I can do spreadsheets, and, if I can swing it, get a cute case for it.  

First though I have to pay off the credit card and the homeowners basic policy.  

I was sick all night with food poisoning but it seems to have been the one night version flushing all night but OK and hungry in the morning.  

So I'm at work.  

That's it for now!  

Very sad story out of Houston

 If you love cats don't watch the news for a few days.  It is very bad.

I am glad my cats run from strangers.  The only people I have seen Biscuit approach are Ace - who Biscuit witnessed bringing cat food to the door - and my friend Betty - who brought him two cat scratchers.  Everyone else he hides.  The other 2 are even more fearful as they experienced some bad treatment when they lived on the streets.

(Sigh) It is very bad; the only good news the other animals at the house were taken into custody.  

I start work in an hour and a half.  That's it for now.  

Doctors office rescheduled

 So there I was way before work.  I went ahead and came in.  My friend was working.  I found it telling I was sitting at a table, most of them empty, 2 friends come at different times and sit down with me.  It didn't used to be like that 

I did warn my one friend about Chief Snitch and she said she had suspected.  I also emphasized anything you tell me stays with me unless you are being hurt.  

I have over 3 hours now...agh.  

Wow

 There is just a universal hatred for my boss.  Another employee is quitting and she had a lot to say.  It's not just me, she is a bully and abusive to everyone.  

She's not here yet so work is going OK.  The other team lead wanted me to take my lunch at 1 instead of 4.  I  can't take it at 2 or 3.  I am off at 6.

Another employee told me no one wants to work with her.  I suspect she has fetal alcohol syndrome as well, and she is in some very toxic enabling family relationships.  Which she will tell you all about if you give her a second.  So I get it.  

But not a bad day so far.  

I don't know why that guy set off my radar

 He had a children's bike.  His face, hair, shoes, shirt pristine and well groomed.  Fit well.  

Jeans 3 sizes too big and beyond filthy as if they hadn't been washed in weeks paired with a clean white shirt.  He kept staring at my cell phone.  I put it away and moved away from him.  He took out a cracked tablet, turned on the camera, and admired himself for a while.  

I found him very disturbing.

Homeless woman in the bathroom

 The stench was horrific.  Ass, funk, bowels, and a powerful whallop of BO have me thinking I need to get that last Hep B vaccine.  I am already queasy and came very close to vomiting.  

The worst part, she did not wash her hands when she came out.  

Ugh.  I hope the rest of the day goes better.  Severe storms are about 45 minutes away but should be done by the time I clock out.  

I had a customer yesterday

 Who reminded me of Ron's type in male friends.  Older white man, misogynist, treated service providers like whores to do his bidding.  

One admitted to leading a gang rape, another liked sugar daddy arrangements.  "It's more fun for me if I know they're not into it"

Sweaty, hairy, half naked men

 All day long.  I may never eat again.  

I'm no snitch

 One thing I have told the other associates, whatever they tell me stays with me I'm not going to go snitch to the team lead.  And generally what they tell me she is awful and they are profoundly unhappy.  That stays with me.  I have heard that again and again over the years and virtually everyone moves on after a year or so 

Today I told one of them she isn't as bad as Ron, referring to him as a bad tempered alcoholic.  That's why I stay, and I really like the other people I work with.

I think she was manic today which explains A LOT.  

The good seat

 I have a preferred seat on the bus.  The first forward facing seats on the passenger side.  It has a good view out the window.  The button to signal a stop - 2 of them actually.  

When I catch the 6:15 there is usually a homeless man sitting in that seat, wearing the same old vinyl rain suit (Ron called himself "Rubber man" when he wore his rain suit).  

Yesterday he was in a different seat.  I squealed "OOH!  THE GOOD SEAT!" and ran for it as the man chuckled.  Today he was sitting in a different seat as well.

I thought it was sweet of him.  

Lately I have felt like Houston is under God's judgement

 Epic floods, ongoing severe weather, transmission towers down on the ground like broken Lego...heat index over 100 every day....

"This is what it looks like when we tell you we can do it on our own" - Theocracy "As the World Bleeds"  

Really?!

 

And then the cowards turned off commenting for the post.  

You can run, but you can't hide

 We all have a debt of sin that will send us to hell unless we accept the salvation Jesus offers.  

Some will listen, some already know, some will fight Him to the end.  

But judgement is coming.  That scared me when I was 8.  It scares me more now and I am saved.  I am especially grieved for those readers who continue to reject Him.  

Yes, Jack died

 I just spoke to his daughters.  They are in their 20's.  I feel really bad for them losing first their Mom (cancer) and now Dad.  They are going to do an exam but are convinced he died of a broken heart.  

I can't attend the funeral I have to work.  But I am going to send them a card.

I also related a sweet story of how Jack brought me my favorite pizza after Ron died.  They loved that.  

So that's a sad day.  

I was very sorry to hear this.

 I thought about how to share this without being a gossipy bitch.  So I will share what I feel is NOT gossip and then put up the link to the Go Fund me (it's not for me, but I have known her 24 years)

I met Missy on the Rapture Ready board.  She was married with 3 teenagers.  She would share her teenager troubles and last I heard they all turned out OK.  

She adopted a little girl and was raising her.  She was married.  

An interesting fact, her husband had back trouble and had an operation with a very good result which was pivotal to me signing up for Ron's back operation.  

I haven't heard anything in a while until I got a post from a mutual friend, that Missy needs help due to "A mother's worst nightmare" you can read the rest on the Go Fund Me.  

https://www.gofundme.com/f/stand-with-missy-a-single-moms-plea-to-keep-her-home?utm_campaign=fp_sharesheet&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=facebook

It sounds like the poor woman has been through hell.  Donate if you can.  I have NO dog in this fight but she has always been a sweet, loving, Christian woman.  

Some very bad news

I saw Jack a while back when I was doing the zone, in grocery.  He came up to me very slowly pushing a cart, seemed very feeble - reminded me of Ron his last year.  He told me he had various new health problems including congestive heart failure, and was now on a heart monitor.  We chatted and he went on his way.  

God impressed it on me I needed to send him an encouraging text every day.  How much Ron would have loved that if his friends did it!  He didn't get that but I can be that person.  So I did it sometimes and then more frequently lately.  He seemed to enjoy them and would often "hit me back" with a smile emoji or something.  

Over the years I had given him about all the evangelism stuff I had, Bibles, tracts, Scripture booklets, but last we spoke theology he basically told me he felt he was going to Heaven because he had been a good guy in life.  

That's not how it works.  

Friday night an unknown number called me twice, and then sent me a text message it was Jack's daughter.  I called her back a couple times but kept going to voicemail.  I texted her today something along the lines of "I'm afraid you have bad news for me, I'm praying I'm wrong" with the crying emoji.  

I am 99% certain he is gone.  He just gave up after his wife, and then his beloved dog, died within a few months of each other.  

It's very hard for me as an evangelist because I don't know his salvation status.  I wonder could I have said or done something different?  

There is a pain, as an evangelist, when someone you care about isn't saved and it is even worse when they die.  

I slept awful

 And woke up with a hideous depression.  Bad enough I took a mega-B complex vitamin.  I don't do those normally and I hate the taste I get in my mouth after I take them but occasionally they do mitigate depression.  

Off to do my God Time.

A nice boring trip to the store this morning

 I woke up around 6 and decided to get up.  I wake up between 3-5 times a night - my Dad does too, and caffeine intake, exercise, working, not working, nothing seems to affect it.  I thought it was caregiving but Ron's gone and it persists.  I have just accepted this as part of my life.  

In the unlikely event I remarry we will probably need separate beds.  

So I got up, did my protein shake, took my shower, shaved my legs, got dressed in my favorite cargo shorts.  I headed out to the grocery store.  

It wasn't too busy which was nice, but the vegetable/bakery area is always packed no matter when I go.  Meat, too.  

I decided I will make some spaghetti.  They had some cream based cajun pasta sauce and I thought that would be good over noodles with some sausage.  I am deathly allergic to crab and I avoid seafood due to cross contamination issues.  I got some hives on my hand this week and I am not sure if it was zoning the nuts or maybe eating a cup of noodles.  The noodles say on the back they may be cross contaminated with shellfish.  I think it was the noodles, to be honest.  

I got in line, paid, headed out.  It was very hot, sunny, humid at the bus stop.  I will need to start bringing my insulated tote bag for the perishables.  

I got the same driver who brought me and she loved her snack.  I got her a banana, a bag of nuts, a bag of chips (in vending terms it would be considered LSS or ounce and a half size), a candy bar, and a generic brand soda.  She looked pretty happy to see it.  

It was a long, hot, walk home from the bus stop but I didn't see any dogs which was great.  I was very sweaty by the time I got home, I went to the bathroom, used the toilet, wet down a washcloth, and wiped my face with it.  Then I held the cool washcloth on my face for a few beats.  That was very refreshing.  I may need to figure out how to put one in a zip lock and bring it when I go to work Friday afternoons.  The other days I leave the house when it's still dark and that's as good as I'm going to get on the weather.  

I put up the groceries and started the laundry.  We were forecast to get thunderstorms this afternoon and I don't like to run the washer during bad weather.  

I am probably very unusual but I actually read the entire manual for the washer online before I bought it.  It advised not to run it during bad weather.  

The dryer is, like, immortal.  I had that pipe leak all over it all night and then the ceiling fell in on it, and it still works.  Impressive!  It's a Kenmore.  

I took a nap.  I woke up with a little bit of a headache but it was raining.  It lasted until about 2:30 or so.  I plugged the computer back in and got online, only to find one of my mission partners had used a statement I made (when asking for supplies) on their Facebook!  "Please pray for Heather!" they asked!!  I'll take it!  

The cats are good; I haven't seen Spotty in a while he is probably out.  That's it for now!  

Time for a repeat on how Ron and I moved to Houston

 Ron worked in San Francisco.  He had to take a couple of buses to work, or a commuter train and at least 1 bus, to get to work and back every day.  He did it, though, and enjoyed his job.  

He started out as a receptionist but was so good at getting answers for people he became the information and referral specialist.  Battered lesbian support group?  Liability insurance for a motorized wheelchair?  What happens if I don't claim my friend's body?  Ron would find out for you.  He was very good at it and the customers and coworkers loved him (some of them, a little TOO much).  

He also did some tech support with the help of the office assistant, who later moved on to a tech support job making 4x what she did at the agency.  They would do upgrades, install software, etc.  His director once told them they had saved the company over $10K.  The only time he drew a line the director wanted Ron and his friend to teach her husband how to do it, and they said no.  

In the meantime I was sick of living in California.  When we had visited Houston, I'd picked up a paper and looked at the classifieds.  I also picked up those free "Apartment for rent" magazines they had at grocery stores and such.  I realized Ron and I could get a NICE apartment for $500 (half what we were paying in the dot com boom) and the jobs paid about as much.  

He wouldn't budge.  He had a satisfying job and he knew blind people had a 90% unemployment rate.  We had seen how reluctant people were to hire him.  

But one day at work in San Francisco the boss announced "they" would be marching in the gay pride parade, on their day off, without pay.  

Ron was always very outspoken even before his accident and he said something along the lines of "Hell no I'm not doing that on my day off!  I have flat feet and it hurts to walk a long distance.  I don't think we, as an agency, should get behind this.  I will serve any client, and have, but if we get behind this we are going to lose a lot of very conservative donors".  

And the lesbian said "I don't want to do it, either" and everyone else agreed.  They actually had some gay rights agency come in during the next staff meeting and "do a training on tolerance" but now that Ron had stuck his neck out no one was budging.  They started writing him up for every little thing and he knew they were working their way to firing him.  

We moved 2 months later.  As it turns out it was pretty easy for me to get a job in Houston. Ron got involved with the blind vendors.  The agency marched in the parade,and as Ron predicted, lost a lot of donors who specifically referred to that.  The director was fired.  

When Ron was in the trauma center there was a shock trauma icu nurse, a man, who didn't hide his orientation.  Ron would have been horrified to have this man handling his naked body so I would watch and see every night before I left, and they always assigned him to bed 3 (Ron was bed 2).  That's really as far as I have ever gone.  Because I know Ron would have been very unhappy to wake up to that.  I don't know what I would have done if they had assigned him to Ron but it didn't come up.  

That's it for now.