I have made my own cell phone holders for years now

 They're a single crochet pouch with a strap on either side that goes around my neck.  I had a black and white one for a very long time and then I made a gray one that was getting rather ratty before the strap broke on me a week or so ago.  

I had another it was a lurid orange on one side, a purple on the other.  I have been wearing it as I have nothing else but I find it embarrassing.  And I still get lovely smiles and attention even wearing that.  

Worst of all, at work, it hangs down between my legs like a scrotum when I am stocking or zoning I find it mortifying.  The strap's just too long.  I didn't think it would stretch so much.  But I don't have another option so I had to wear it.  

I was sick last weekend (curse you, Jamaican beef patty!) so I couldn't make one my Sunday was a frenzied rush of chores and shopping.  

So I am making a new one, today.  

I'll put up some photos when I'm done.  

I did well over half the kitchen

 But my next step is getting the orange room.  Then I will put some things that are in the kitchen, in the orange room.  

Then I finish up the kitchen.  I had a spill the other day and I need to clean that up.  

But I'm going to take a nap.  The nearest neighbor (their bedroom is very near this computer) is out doing home repair stuff so I have my music a little louder today.  

Well I got the bathroom

 That Lysol lime and rust stuff is awesome.  I barely scrub at all.  

I thought it was funny the cats are taking over the table in the Bible room.  I have a table running underneath the window.  It is 2 feet deep by 6 feet long.  They are slowly shoving things off - I kept finding tracts and things on the floor - to accommodate their lounging area.  So I'm letting them.  

I thought I would do up the candy on the table but I do it on the bed anyway.  Not my bed, the guest bed in the Bible room.  I have everything lined up.  

Next stop kitchen and then the orange room.  

I'm sleeping a little better now

 It's taken me a long time to look, really look, at how Ron treated me.  

When I moved out my parents made it pretty clear I wasn't coming back.  I couldn't afford to live on my own after that.  

God knows I tried, I had a pretty good non profit job.  The county had a home sharing program.  At one point Ron (before he met me) was matched with an older lady and rented a room from her for about half his disability check.  I thought maybe I could find something.  

The only option they could find was 1.  Rent a room in a houseful of pagans.  I was backslidden but I couldn't do that of course.  2.  Rent a corner of a living room in a one bedroom apartment with a couple, their toddler, and their baby.  For $500 a month.  That wasn't viable either the toddler would have been in my stuff constantly and the baby wouldn't let me sleep at night either.  

So I went back to Ron.  I was a receptionist/general office girl/accounting assistant.  He would call me and say he was going to [censored] another woman that night and not to wait up.  And I just had to suck it up.  

I planned to move to Texas first, and call him and break up, tell him not to come.  But he quit his job and came out when I did.  He knew I wouldn't throw him out.  

For a year I had the reins, I told him I didn't want him cheating anymore if he did he could go live with his parents.  No verbal abuse.  He was pretty good about that from what I recall.  

But the minute he was assigned the business he convinced me to quit my job and go work for him which was the worst tactical mistake I could have made.  I made a pittance, I couldn't afford to move out.  And who would give me a reference?  

And he knew it.  He convinced me I was unlovable; with my problems no decent man would want me.  

At one point, early in our relationship, he tried to pimp me out.  He said I was "So good at sex a lot of men would pay a lot of money to be with you"  "He wouldn't have to work"  etc.  I did tell him to go to hell on that one.  

He continued to cheat.  At one point after his accident he had true confessions day and he wouldn't shut up.  One of his women called me at the hospital after the accident screaming, crying, carrying on like he was HER husband it was very taxing.  And based on the way she was reacting I could tell she had [censored] him.  So I had to deal with that on top of everything else.  

And his family was so awful it was obvious they just cared about looking good.  They weren't going to lift a finger and not 3 hours after the accident his sister's already talking about putting him in a nursing home.  

I had a golden moment; and I saw it, I could walk away.  No one would fault me.  They would just think I left because of his injuries.  That I didn't want to sign up for that.  

Then I looked at his "family".  I wouldn't have left a rat  in their care.  I was sickened at their attitude that Ron was just something to be gotten rid of.  

When he woke up he knew me, he did better when I was around.  I had a bad case of fairy tale poisoning, if I took good care of him and loved him maybe he would love me too, and we'd live happily ever after.  

And he was OK for several months.  He was out of it of course with the head injury.  He needed a lot of help, no getting around that.  But I was happy to do it.  But by November of that year he was drinking again (paying people to bring it), choking me, verbal abuse.  

I realized I had made a mistake but we were already married.  He would end up in the nursing home if I left - and someone said maybe he should have and they're right.  

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder he said see, it was all me.  He was just reacting to me being crazy.  But I noticed as I got better he got worse and worse with the drinking.  He was beating me up a year later.  

He had a bad reaction to a common antibiotic because he was deficient in folic acid (he never took supplements or ate vegetables).  He developed neuropathy after that, probably also from the drinking, and just spiraled.  

He wouldn't end up anywhere good if I left him, I couldn't do that.  I took it to Jesus and God told me to stay.  He also told me "It wouldn't be long" a few years before Ron died.  I didn't know what that meant but I did understand when I found him dead that March Saturday.  

And I'll say it now.  When I realize he was gone I had such a tremendous sense of RELIEF.  It was OVER.  

So for 29 years Ron convinced me no other man would want me.  

Now I have a man in my life who has gone above and beyond to spend time with me.  Who singles me out for special smiles.  Who is very kind and respectful.  Who is very good at his job and very level headed and patient.  

I don't know where this is going.  

But I want to get all this toxin out of my system before I start talking to Buddy or he will run like hell.  

"He wouldn't have made a good father"

 I get that question a lot when people meet me, do I have kids?  Then they ask why not.  

That's complicated.  The whole time growing up I was told I would make a horrible mother.  So I didn't have much faith in my abilities.  Then I was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol and told I couldn't parent.  

I did OK managing Ron's care, though, so they were wrong.  The last year was remarkably similar to newborn care, I think.  

I worked in the church nursery for several years caring for the 9 month to 3 year old toddlers, it was a lot of work but also a lot of fun.  It taught me motherhood was not something to take lightly.  

Then I met Ron.  He gave me some huge red flags but never talked much about kids.  He did say at one point they had done an investigation on him for child sex abuse of his girlfriend's daughter but he was cleared.  

He liked to have affairs with married women.  One of them left her husband for him and got pregnant.  She had an abortion when he didn't want a child.  She was the one he later said "attacked him for no reason and would get hurt when he was defending himself".  

Red flags, red flags.  

After that, he said, he got fixed.  Medicaid would not pay for the procedure (WHY NOT?!) so he had to pay $400 out of pocket, back in the mid 80's.  But he had it done.  

I may or may not have had a couple of miscarriages.  I had a couple of very late periods, and then, when it did come, had a lot more than usual.  I never got checked out.  

Ron always said if I got pregnant he would "know I'd been cheating" even though I later found out male sterilization has a pretty significant failure rate as the years pass.  Who knows, I don't.  I never cheated.  

Ron made sure I was under his thumb financially so I had no way of leaving after 2001.  If I'd left him I would have lost everything, including my cat, which is why I stayed.  

I'll do a lot for a man I'll love and I'll do a lot for a cat I love, too.  Don't forget he'd also made threats against my cats if I left.  

So I thought about it for a minute, sitting at the bus stop, in the heat, next to the homeless lady.  

Do you have kids?  

No.  

Why not?  

"He wouldn't have made a good father".  

"OOOH!"  

And that was the end of that.  It's going to be my stock answer, now.  

Cleaning the house

 I had an atypical childhood.  To say the least.  That used to really "matter" but it does not, anymore.  

So I am pretty clueless when it comes to cleaning.  Ron always made cleaning an issue and actually threw me out of the house a couple times when he felt like the house was messy, when he beat me up he showed my uncle dirty dishes in the sink.  They were, apparently, his permission slip.  

So I had a lot of MENTAL issues with cleaning in addition to just not having a system.  

But I am working on all that.  I go around and toss everything that is trash, put dirty clothes in the laundry room, dishes in the sink, etc.  

I have some floor spot cleaning where Biscuit got sick, etc.  So I have spray on that right now.  I'm taking a break then I will clean that. 

Probably sweep the house next and then mop.  I also need to do laundry but Biscuit keeps camping out in front of the door so I will probably do that tomorrow.  I don't like to disturb him.  

Janice

 I was waiting outside the grocery store on a bench at the bus stop.  

One pet peeve I have about benches, if you are sitting leave room for someone else.  I did that.  She asked if she could sit down.  She was homeless with no shoes and a matted wig.  I said of course.  

I was drinking a cold (diet) soda from the store and she asked if I had another.  I said of course, gave it to her, offered her a bottle of water (I wasn't in the mood for the water), and gave her a bag of candy which she accepted and began eating.  

We chatted a little, she was mainly feeling me out to see if I'd give her money.  I did not.  I gave her my first name but declined to exchange phone numbers.  She liked the booklet and asked where she could get more, I told her.  

When the bus came she did not board.  

I am sure I will see her around.  

I have an interesting group of recipients, union member bus drivers, homeless, drug addicts, retail workers, etc.  

La Tienda Loca

 I forgot it was a holiday weekend.  Ay yi yi.  

But I made it.  

I went to bed about an hour after I got home and slept until about 6.  I was out of the house by 7 because I wanted to get more pinata mix and figured they would sell out quick.  

There were only 3 bags left when I got there so I gleefully hauled "mine" into my cart and put stuff on top of it so no one could steal it.  

I can't relate too much about trips to the grocery store due to stalker issues.  I will say the guy who drops me at the store is always the guy who picks me up.  

While in the store, I like to get a snack.  I generally get the same thing, a small bag of dry roast peanuts, a LSS size (about 2 ounces or 50 grams) of chips - that varies depending on how I profile the driver.  Is he a Nacho Man?  Ranch?  Sour Cream?  Plain?  A cold drink and a candy bar.  It's only a couple bucks, the drivers love it.  

Today's driver almost broke down weeping and kept saying "No one does this!"  I just said I do and left it at that.  He is having a hard time on the route, he implied.  I will pray for him he is a nice young kid.  

I was glad Buddy didn't have any of my trips.  It was hot, sunny, and humid.  I was sweating and looked terrible.  My basket-style cart broke last week so I had to use an L cart with bungee cords and milk crates.  It wasn't very efficient and wobbled a lot.  I actually set up my phone to play the song "Wobble" as I walked home I thought that was funny.  

The cats are good, I saw all of them.  

I'm going to stay home and clean today.  

The Bible says to speak the truth in love

 So I will endeavor to do that.  

First I need to explain something about the bus driver, who I'll call Buddy, and I.  

Last year he made it clear he was interested, even making a point of telling me "*I* live in such and such an area"  another time, after he lost the bid in January, he saw me at the bus stop on his day off.  He asked me my schedule and I waffled, and I'm still kicking myself.  He made it very clear he was interested.  

But I'm still coming to terms with the fact I had an ACTUAL marriage from hell!  So I have pushed him away, he has accepted it and been very respectful.

Of course I am not good at hiding my feelings so he saw my absolute delight at seeing him again.

I have been exploring all this as my only adult relationship was not healthy.  

My aunt reads the blog and sent me a message about being "forward".  

I put up the red light before; he needs to know it is green.  That is my thinking.  

Moving on.  She was also upset I am saying my marriage wasn't right.  Well, it wasn't.  My thinking of Ron didn't want me to call him a wife beater he shouldn't have hit me, verbally abused me, locked me out in my nightgown in a bad neighborhood, choked me, financially abused me, hacked away at my faith, etc.  I have not shared this but on a couple of occasions he also threatened to kill my cat.

Not a nice man.  I don't have a problem letting it be known.  If it gets back to Buddy (likely those drivers like to talk) hopefully it will explain a few things.

So we will see.  

A woman at work was very rude

 She heard about the hair cut thing and was yelling at me I needed to talk to a manager at the bus company.  

That's not going to undo it.  

Some other issues I need to ponder before posting as well.  If I write what I'm thinking now I may burn some bridges.  

Suffice to say I did nothing wrong and it is "old" thinking to believe a domestic violence survivor has to be ashamed or feel like she had it coming.  

I also think talking about it with *select*people may explain some things like why I was so skittish last year.  

I did nothing to deserve it.  Ron was just a jerk and I deserved a man who loved me truly.  

I'm going to stop there.  

I underestimate myself

 I have had 2 lady drivers run over and hug me this week.  One had to come pretty far.  That one kissed my head, twice.  

I am loved. 

Friday morning

 I haven't checked my Fitbit so I don't know how I slept.  But I at least got plenty of time to sleep.  

I did wake up a couple of times.  Biscuit slept with me some of it.  

My plan for the weekend I will be cleaning the house, I wouldn't want anyone in here right now.  I also need to get some groceries.  

My old cart broke (someone took it when I put it out at the curb even though it is non functional and can't be repaired!) so I will rig up another cart with some milk crates.  I told Ace I might buy some milk at work tonight so I don't have to worry about getting it home in the cart and he agreed.  

I told Ace about the hair thing but not the bus driver.  While I consider Ace a friend he doesn't talk about his personal life and probably does not want to hear about mine.  There's not much to say, I'm sweet on him, he smiles at me a lot (and no one else), he seems very considerate.  

I did warn one of my managers about the stalker issue and told her if (this person) shows up I don't work there, anyone else, call me.  She got it.  She wanted to know how the stalker was bothering me and I basically said online but did not get into the blog.  I keep the blog separate from work.  

I need the outlet.  I think there is a way to make the blog members only but how would I know the good guy from the bad?  

And would I tell my friend about the blog?  Not yet I don't think.  

I think it's enough I put it out there on the bus driver gossip line that Ron treated me like crap.  That's plenty to chew on this weekend.  

I need to take my shower.  

Done.  I can forget about my hair unless I am brushing it or washing it.  Then I feel very violated.  I had a fleeting thought it might have been the stalker but this was a young black guy in dreds definitely not the profile.  He was probably in diapers when she started harassing me.  I guess it'll get better.  

It reminds me how I felt looking at my bruises after Thug Boy tried to mug me 15 years ago.  

That's it for now; it looks like rain so I will bring my poncho.  

I miss comments

 But I don't miss the abuse. 

I have decided not to tell my parents about the incident.  I haven't told them much about the driver as they are very disapproving.  They seem to think he is some old fart even though I've explained he's younger.  

Also a bus driver has regular drug screening, background check, regular health exams, steady job, good benefits.  I could do a lot worse 

I am not sorry I told the lady driver the truth about my marriage this morning.  

I am ready for some peace and quiet

 It has been a crazy month.  My driver coming back.  Stalker goes incoherent with rage.  Hair fetish freak cutting the end of my ponytail.

My aunt said something about scissors.  No, it was a knife, and it's a good thing I didn't get cut fighting to get my hair free.  

I am so disappointed and disgusted with Metro police for failing to act on my complaint.  Assaulting women, cutting their hair for trophies so he can get off - that is serious sexual deviance that is just going to escalate. 

But at least it is on the record.  

I feel like I am using the gossip system

 I saw one of my long term drivers on my home route.  The home route drivers tend to stick around they just change the shifts.

She was so happy to see me she opened the partition, got out of her seat, and gave me a hug.

We got to talking and I told her Ron didn't respect me.  I gave her most of the details.  

Knowing, of course, that will get out.  I am OK with that.  

I feel like my only chance at long term peace and happiness - alone or with someone - is to be honest and vulnerable.  

I told her I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy again but I am getting past that.  I also told her I liked a driver and a little about what he looks like.  I don't know if she will talk to him about any of this 

I did tell her it's hard for me to know if he likes me because "30 people are listening to us and half of them aren't right".

I don't care if this gets back to him.  If it does and he likes me it may explain why I've been a little skittish.  And if it gets out to all the drivers that Ron used to beat me up, cheated, verbal abuse, keeping me up at night it may explain a few things.  

But one thing I keep hearing is how much the drivers hate the route.  Who would sign up for that again?  Just to see me...

He definitely cut my hair

 I could tell, washing it and brushing it, this morning.  I don't think it's really sunk in yet.  

I would report this to Metro PD except I don't know the exact time it happened so all I can say is some black guy with dreads (half the bus) was bothering me, cut off the end of my ponytail, and got off.  They can't really ACT on that so what's the point?  

I already knew it was the Crazy Train, and no this will not dissuade me from riding.  

It has taken me years to realize Ron never loved me.  He loved me as much as he could but it was warped and stunted.  He told me for over a decade if I made him choose between him and alcohol he would choose the vodka.  That does a number on someone.  

So getting harassed/assaulted doesn't scare me, not really.  What scares me is possibly losing out on something God has for me.  Of living my life alone when I don't have to, when He has a perfectly wonderful man for me (possibly).  I have to explore that even if it comes with a price tag.  

I will say the little punk made a nice clean cut it is at least even.  

So today's driver was not my Monday and Tuesday guy

 He was fine though.  The Wednesday driver is always late for some reason.

Sitting on the bus looking out the window a young man behind me asks for the time.  I told him.  A little later he's demanding my attention yelling "Ma'am, ma'am". 

I said "I don't want to talk".  Something was pulling my hair so I shifted.  I'm not saying it was him but I had to yank my ponytail free.  

He got off at the next stop.  I didn't have any more trouble with my hair.  I couldn't find anything it would have gotten caught on, either.  

So I will be putting it up on the bus from now on.  

Edit, I examined my ponytail when I got off the bus and it is about 3 inches shorter.  

I will be putting my hair up when I ride the bus, now.  

Made it to lunch

 It is funny to me.  I knew the store was close knit, one reason I go to all the trouble for my commute, there has been some definite interest in my personal life.  

He is off today so I won't see him.  

I am tired.  I didn't sleep well last night.  

Wednesday morning

 I woke up around midnight pretty sick.  My evening meds did not like my dinner.  I spent some time vomiting and cleaning up.  I took a Phenergan tablet which did the trick but it made me very groggy.  

So I thought about it.  I didn't want to call in today but I wasn't able to ride the bus at my usual time.  So I reset my alarm and took a Uber.  

I can't do that everyday but it was a good fix for today.  The driver was a very quiet man who played Turkish pop which was fun.  He sure liked the candy and of course - and I told him "You're getting a real tip but I want you to have this".  And I did.  He was a very good driver.  

I made it here about 8:10 and I start at 9.  

I won't see my friend today, he is off.  But you never know he may come by the store. 

It's going to be hot today coming home.  Today, I would take a ride.  We will see.  

That's it for now.  

I saw him again

 He has such a nice smile. 

There was a ruckus on the bus he was very calm.  After it was over he gave me a lovely smile and asked if I was OK.  I said I was fine and he smiled again, asked if I enjoyed the show!  

The bus was running late so I missed my connection.  I told him that was fine I would just take the later bus.  

I will get home about 2 hours later than if I'd gotten a ride.

Those smiles were WORTH IT.  

So far it's a nice day

 My feet hurt.  I waited too long to buy new shoes.

Senor Gato

 Yesterday I referred to Biscuit as Senor Gato, which I have for a while.

One of my 2nd Generation Latino coworkers said I needed to look up the song so I did.  

It is awful!  In the song Senor Gato falls off a roof and dies!  

I am never calling him that again.  I am going to call him Mr Kitty Cat or Biscuit.  

He was very sweet and cuddly this morning.  I need to build in extra time every morning to just sit and love on him.  

I don't know how long I'll have him.  I need to enjoy him while I can.  

So I saw him again

 Work was fine the one boss is off so it's a better environment.

He was happy to see me and I explained about the coworker giving me rides.  He was obviously disappointed to hear that.

We didn't talk much because, after all, a good 30 people were listening to every word and some of them weren't "right".

I am continually impressed he SIGNED UP to drive that route on the chance he would see me again.  It's an awful route no one wants it again.  And he signed up for it 2 more times since we met.  

Made it to lunch!

 It's been a weird day.  Not bad but weird. 

I'll be happy to go.  

Made it to work!

 It was the usual crazy train.  First bus driver is back.  God love him, he's pokey.  Slow.  I would have missed the second bus but he waited.  Second bus is a very courtly old fashioned gentleman driver about 70.  I think he is sweet and he sure likes the candy.  That was nice of him to wait but I don't want to get him in trouble, either.

Third driver is new.  She says she is the assigned driver not extra board.  I like her but we had some head cases.  One older black lady was screaming about "Colored people" which is a term they used decades ago.  Unfortunately she got off at the store.  I got the hell away from her.  

That's it for now.  

I had a lot on my mind last night

 Not much of it related to "the pest".  

One canon of mine, since well before Ron's accident, I say it.  

If I have feelings for someone I let them know.  Women tell me you don't do that, you let him chase you.  I don't know how to do that.  If someone matters to me I think they should know that.  

Especially if they are trying to be respectful of my grief.  

The exception was Beau, last year, I figured out pretty quickly he was only after my mango-chili lollipops.  That was embarrassing.  

Another thing that killed it for me, he had left the store to seek medical care back home, when he returned he reapplied for his old job and the boss didn't want him back.  And they are always hiring in that department!  

I respect a good worker.  That's one thing about the bus driver he is a very good worker, he runs that schedule like a watch and ALWAYS got me to my transfer.  Other drivers on the route could never do that, meaning I had to go home later every day.  I respect that.  

He is also a very tranquil and soothing presence which is such a nice change from virtually everyone I know.  

The funny thing he probably sees me looking my worst, every day.  A long ride to work, a long day at work, walking to the bus stop, waiting in the heat and humidity, I'm not looking fresh.  But he always smiles at me.  

I don't know what I'm going to say other than explain my coworker wants to give me rides and chases me down at the bus stop if I don't wait for her.  I will let God guide me on that.  

Purple is my power color, I'm wearing that.  I probably resemble a purple grape but I'm OK with that.  

I am also debating what to say on Facebook, if anything, since my stalker admitted to being active there.  

Fitbit says I got 5 hours of sleep last night which sounds about right.  

I left a lot unsaid with my birthmother and this probably stems from that; and also the fact I had a very bad feeling "something" was going to happen (I thought it would happen to me) in late 2002 right before Ron's accident.  I told him how I felt, that I loved him and had forgiven him his cheating, and the things I valued about the time I had spent with him.  The night before his accident he was asking the impossible from me at work and we had a blowup.  He came back later and apologized.  I almost told him to shove it.  

Can you imagine me sitting in the ICU waiting room 12 hours later knowing that's what I said?  So I forgive.  I move on.  

And I tell people they matter.  I don't know how I will do that but I will figure it out and ask God to lead me.  

Bedtime

I had to get new shoes Friday.  I wore them to the store today I think they will be fine.  

I am debating tracking how many miles I walk in them every day and then retiring them at 300 like the runners do.  The shoes and both pairs of insoles (it's my little trick) cost about $40.  

The cats are good.  Cleo still doesn't like the fan but Biscuit is learning to like it.  

Torbie liked Ron's fan so much she would get between his head and the fan every day!  It used to frustrate him so much but she loved it!  

That's it for now.  

I have a new catchphrase of late: Be safe.  I tell everyone that: "Be safe".  

I also call the customers "Boss" man or woman they love it.  

Sunday afternoon

 I think it's ironic I have had quite a few flames over the years accusing me of incompetence.  

Ron's medical providers never had a problem giving him back to me, and one acclaimed me saying it was "So nice not to have to dumb things down for the family".  

The fact that I knew temporal lobe brain damage - which Ron had - could lead to seizures and I was able to relate he had in fact had a coup-contracoup injury there.  Things like that.  

I have fluid abilities.  I can't drive but I just cranked out a budget spreadsheet.  That's the nature of my disability and probably the thing that aggravates people who know me well.  

Oh, speaking of driving.  I went to the grocery store.  I had my handcart.  I have had this thing for a couple years now.  

I did my shopping, got my stuff, and I was headed for the bus stop when I hit a little crack in the pavement and POP there went a wheel.  It was a 4 wheeled cart.  I was in the driveway and people were honking so I dragged it out of the way and had a look.  The thing that holds the wheel on the axle is plastic and broke off entirely, no hope for that.  I thought maybe I can limp home on 3 wheels.  

Generally my grocery store trip the second driver drops me, goes to the end of the line, gets his break (it's always a man for some reason) and comes back to get me.  That happened today.  

He pulls up, opens the door "Your cart is broken"  

"I know"  

"How are you getting home (from the bus stop)?" 

"God knows" I replied as I hauled it on the bus.  I gave him his snack and he almost cried "I accidentally threw out my lunch, I just realized it" (he roots through the bag) "This is GREAT!"  

It only cost me like $3.  I had a bottle of cold water, a banana, some peanuts, etc.  Glad I did it (things like that go under "gifts" on my budget).  We got to my stop and I got off, got about 100 feet, watched him pull away and the axle snapped.  

Cue a good 15 minutes of difficulty trying to go a few blocks.  A pickup stopped next to me and a young Latino man got out "Having trouble?"  

He had a look at the cart, I said I knew it was dead.  He asked if he could give me a ride and I said yes.  He put the cart in the back and gave me a ride home, introduced himself, when we got home he took the cart out and left it by the front door.  

"Next time you see your Mom" I told him "Tell her she raised you right!" I grinned.  Then I gave him a bag of candy with a tract in it, he was very surprised by that.  

I don't believe in coincidences.  If God puts someone in my orbit they need the Gospel.  

I put my meat away and took a nap with Biscuit.  Biscuit is a champion nap cat.  I slept great with him.  

I got up and did the spreadsheets for the end of May and June to date.  

Now I'm going to rot my brain, but not on Facebook.  

Comments are going away for a while.

 I have been followed/harassed/stalked from one forum to another for I believe up to 15 years now.  This person has had a voice in my comments, but, due to threats and overall abuse, I'm revoking that.  

I am sorry that means the nice guys don't get a voice but I need to protect myself.  

I can only conclude the fact that I have some sort of prospect in my love life has got this person apoplectic.  I don't know what's going to happen with my personal life/ if I see him tomorrow I will let him know he matters to me and he can take if from there, if he wants.  

Since my stalker has also admitted she is actively following me on Facebook I will not be active there, either.  

I plan to keep blogging but comments will be off.  

So I got the bill from the lab

 I felt well enough to go out in the sun and check the mail.  

Opened the bill a lot in there about THIS IS WHAT YOU REALLY OWE INSURANCE STIFFED US total was $295.  

Let me check something: 

Any Lab Test Now, I pay cash, $200 I get a complete workup including a lithium level.  I'm doing that next time.  

Dad was horrified.  He really thought everything would be "covered".  

No, Dad.  

I'm doing it my way from now on.  

I didn't mention the computer; I was able to pay the insurance, that was all I cared about.  And I did need a new one.  

After I get paid I plan to buy a case for it, though.  

Some thoughts

 I had a hard time today with the migraine; the weight of things I need to do as well.  The house is a mess, I have a pile of laundry, literally all I did is feed and love on the cats.  

But I had some time to think.  I am pretty sure - I will call her Maria - my work friend is off Monday so I will ride the bus.  His bus.  

And I am just going to enjoy spending time with him and let him set the pace.  If there's anything we will see.  If there isn't he is just a nice man to spend time with.  

I will say it impressed the HELL out of Dad that someone would sign up for another tour on that bus.  To, as stated, spend more time with me.  

That is significant and I need to let him know that doesn't scare me.  As far as he saw I disappeared after that, I have to tell him about Maria.  

I woke up with a migraine

Migraine all day, near vomiting.  I took a day's worth of Excedrin since I first woke up in the middle of the night (not all at once, every 4 hours).  

I had meant to do some grocery shopping and also clean the house, do laundry.  That will have to wait.  

I made sure the cats were OK and everyone walked around on top of me, meowing, for pets.  I at least filled their emotional and physical needs.  

Ooh this is no joke.  

Tomorrow I start those herbs.   

I saw Cleo again

 She was her usual cuddly self.  

I don't think she's afraid of my fan but she is just being shy for some reason.  She reminds me a little of myself with the bus driver.  

When you see her she is happy to see you, warm and affectionate.  Then you don't see her for days.  When you see her again she is warm and cuddly.  

That would be me.  I think my work friend is off Monday so I can ride with him and at least explain why he isn't seeing me much.  That I am very happy to have him back.  

That's all I'll say.  

1.  I don't want to embarrass myself and 

2.  There is a whole bus load of people, some of them "not right", listening.  

What he does with that is up to him.  

Brutal headache today.  I have to do things I don't know what I'm going to do.  

"Oh HELL no!"

 So today was really weird.  

I woke up with a migraine but managed to beat it back enough I could work.  

But first, a nice hot shower.  I get in there, naked, turn the water on and Biscuit starts screaming at me and jumps in the shower with me.  He stays in the shower until I start washing my feet (last) and gets out.  

I thought "This is going to be one of those days".  

I met one of my "old" drivers again, a very nice lady, I was very happy to see her even though she does tend to run late.  

I got on the Crazy Train and it was a younger black man driving.  

He pulls up at a stop, a pretty typical sight: an older white man, filthy, greasy unbrushed hair, a wheelchair piled high with his hoard.  

What's not typical is the kind of language he used when he saw the driver.  Then more racial slurs when he saw the bus was full of (black people).  Everyone ignored him.  

By this time I had figured out I'd better put on my headphones, and it's a good thing I did because he kept trying to get my attention (I was the only other white person on the vehicle).  

He is raving nonsense and suddenly stops dead as the bus pulls up to a stop.  He reaches into his bag.  The driver opens the door.  And pulls out an egg - from a chicken.  

He offers it to the black lady sitting across the way from him.  

"Oh HELL NO" and she gets off.  

It wasn't her stop!  

When I wrote poetry

 I got some of my best ideas in the shower.

I also go over things endlessly in my head.  

Combine that, I was thinking about Mr Bus Driver and the fact up he has been trying to get back on my route.  

Then I had the thought: what if drivers are not allowed to date passengers?  

I know I can't date anyone in management which made things very easy regarding my feelings for one team lead (before I found out he is a binge drinker which killed it all right there).  

The question was really bothering me.  So, this morning, I asked one of my drivers "Is there a rule about you guys dating a passenger?". She asked me "What?" And I realized she might think I was into HER.  ACK!  

The last thing I need is that getting out: Candy Lady is a lesbian!  Nothing against them but no, not ever.  

So I told her, there is a male driver I like and I am wondering if he would get in trouble if we dated.  She sighed and said she didn't "think so".  She did ask "You are thinking about someone in particular?" And I said yes.

If they gossip half as much as I think it's all over the fleet by now.

I am not sure how I feel about it.  But I did it.  

It will probably get back to him that I asked and now the ball is in his court.  

Very Early Thursday

 So when I left the store yesterday my friend chased me down and gave me another ride.  First time it was the son driving, yesterday the daughter and today the husband.  They are a very cute/sweet family and they all seem delighted to help me out.  

The real clincher for my coworker was hearing what I have to endure to go home, not the Crazy Train, I can't really explain that in my very poor Spanish, but just I have to go all the way over there, and then that way, then catch another one and ride another 20 minutes, get off and walk half a mile home.  

I don't know what the bus driver is thinking if he even is at all.  

Tuesday I was wiped out, Mom and Dad said they would call but hadn't by 7:30, so I turned off the phone and went to bed.  So last night Dad told me why he didn't call.  

He had some sick friend issues, a well friend over, and then my primary abuser called and apparently he doesn't do that much and Dad didn't feel comfortable asking him to call back.  So he took that call, called me God Knows When and it went to voicemail.  

Maybe he thought I was mad?  I wasn't, and I told him that, but I did explain Monday -Thursday I have to get up at 3.  Once we got that settled he wanted to know about my day.  

I told him normally I have great customers but I had 3 turkeys all in 2 days that is a little rough, and my acting team lead had to pass on the complaints even though they are bogus.  So the "nice" team lead was angry about that because apparently her/my bonus go on the feedback the store gets and she is worried about that.  

That was unpleasant, but I hadn't seen anything yet.  

Dad wanted to talk about my finances.  

Side note, about a month ago he told me to buy myself a $170 Chromebook and he would pay me back, if I sent "them" a screenshot of the bill.  I did that.  He forgot.  I am stubborn and too proud to ask because I hate asking for money, I really do.  I had to take it a few months back but it was under extreme protest.  

I did not tell Dad, but I was short on my insurance payment because of this (I had enough in the account!!), and when I realized I had a tropical system in the gulf, the insurance was expiring THAT day, I put it on the credit card.  I told him I was "short about $100" but did not tell him WHY because I have my pride, damnit.  

I know it's stupid so you can save the flames.  

He was just really upset I had put it on the card, until I told him it was either that or look into the Walmart pay advance thing (payday loan I don't see how it's legal) and he shut up.  

I told him (and did) I would pay it off the second my payroll dropped, and I did this morning.  

Then he wanted to know how much the blood test was and what was going on with that.  I told him the insurance sent me a statement but the doctors office has not, what I saw with Ron's Medicare often you don't owe what the insurance says you might.  And, if I do, I will make payments.  I can't wreck my credit because the insurance rates go off that - my homeowner policies.  But I obviously can't crap out $500 and I am done asking for money.  

Lesson learned, that doctor is off the books!  

Then he wanted to talk to me about putting money in a savings account.  He was quite adamant I will be "fine" if I put $311 into "escrow" every pay period.  I tried to explain if I have a $900 insurance bill and $700 in back property taxes I have to deal with those first before I can worry about other things.  We went back and forth for a while on that (not ugly).  

The ironic thing I have $321 left after paying the bills (not the water that can wait until next pay period).  I know I need some more money on my bus card, I only have about $20 on that, and then I think I need $60 more for cab rides Friday and 2 rides next week (when I work nights).  

I am glad I went ahead and bought more candy yesterday, at work we have a decent 4 pound/$6 mix the recipients like.  It has some sour candy in addition to the sweet, and some blow pops which had one older man very happy.  I need to chase down some ziplocks though because I am out, at least in the Bible room.  

The cats are good.  I haven't been seeing much of Cleo but she is good and meowing at me when she does see me.  

It's not raining any more.  

That's it for now.  

I don't know whether I should laugh, cry, or scream

 So my commute has always been pretty awful, redeemed only by the fact I hand out 10 or so tracts a day.  

Every time someone has given me a ride it hasn't worked out a second time, they quit, get fired, etc.  My dear friend Betty told me flat out "You live the other direction" as did one of my bosses.  I didn't ask that boss she just offered but recanted when she heard I lived "that way".  

So, I love rides.  I covet them.  I am home 1 hour and 50 minutes sooner than if I take the bus, and I don't have to wait at the bus stop with The Defecator (who was there today btw).  

My Latina coworker is very sweet.  I try to treat everyone with respect and kindness and that includes her.  She caught me leaving one day and gave me a ride, her daughter picked her up and I told them how much I appreciated it and what my usual trip home looks like.  Rosa was horrified and gives me a ride at every chance now, including yesterday and today.  

I wonder if the bus driver is missing me.  If he thinks I bolted.  If he even cares.  

But if the sky is dark gray brooding heavy rain, the Defecator's at the bus stop, and I have 4 pounds of candy hanging off my arm, I'm going to get in when Rosa pulls up.  

I did give her a Snickers today.  

I do wonder what he is thinking, if he is at all.  

Edit: it began pouring about an hour ago.  The street is experiencing some mild flooding it would have been hideous walking home in that.  Glad I took the ride.  

Sometimes I have to tell a customer no

 In the course of my job and they have not been taking it well this week.  I had two in a week demand a manager because I was doing my job and being nice about it.

Gee, thanks for trying to get me fired because you heard the word "no" for the first time in your life.  

I don't want to dump on my driver on the way home even though he is an excellent listener.  No one likes a negative person.  

I will just say it was a tough day.

One of my drivers said she had me off an on for years

 I thought that was interesting.  

Now my stepmom comes from a long line of firemen going back well over 100 years.  Her oldest didn't want to be a firefighter but his oldest son is.  Another grandson is a paramedic.  I think that is pretty cool.  

I know my grandmothers both graduated college so they would likely be disappointed in me, I don't know much about my grandfathers other than one died very young in WW2 and the other one, I believe, was in some kind of sales.  He died in his 40's from a heart attack.  

Anyway my stepmom was very conflicted on firemen.  On the one hand she said they were players who got up to no good on their days off; on the other she admired them and said they were really good cooks.

So 4 firemen walked in to the store the same time I did.  They were all in REALLY good shape, I would have to be blind not to notice.

I'm not blind.

Speaking of blind I got pretty soaked at the first bus stop.  The second bus was driven by a nice new driver, a very courtly older man who reminds me of former employee Orlando.  I like him, he is very sweet and always thrilled to get the candy.  

But he had the bus so cold I was freezing, and when I got off my glasses fogged up so much I couldn't see!  I was wishing for one of Ron's old white canes it was so bad!  

Fairy tale poisoning

 My parents had a very limited bookshelf of approved books.  They had a childhood encyclopedia and a hardbound book of fairy tales.  

One fairy tale always stuck with me.  A boy was raised by forest spirits/creatures with magical powers.  He fell in love with a village girl and the spirits said she could have him if she could hold onto him for one minute.  She embraced him.  They turned him to fire, she held on.  They turned him to ice, she held on.  She got to keep him and they lived happily ever after.  

You can see how I might have gone into my marriage a little tainted by the story.  I truly thought Ron and I would overcome the odds and run away together, live happily ever after.  But he drank and he cheated and he didn't respect me to say the least.  

He got hurt and everyone he cared about turned their back on him.  But I"m there fighting for him now he will see my value, marry me, remain faithful and respectful.  It did not work out that way.  

My parents also took me to a lot of Disney movies growing up, and Dad used to encourage us to watch the Disney movie of the week on Sunday afternoon every week (if football wasn't on).  So I had all that as well.  

I still have that fairytale romantic mindset.  I'm guilty of that.  

I find it VERY appealing that a nice attentive man - who is not bad looking, either - would take a hellish bus route, signing on for a tour of six months, on the off chance he would get to take me home from work a few days a week.  

I am also impressed with his poise, you get a lot of nonsense on that bus and he has a great attitude, I have never seen him lose his temper or freak out in some pretty wild situations (delusional people screaming, etc.)

We will see.  

I was at the bus stop

 When my coworker ran up literally tugging on my arm wanting to give me a ride 

She is a very sweet lady so I said yes.  Got home in 20 minutes.  Sorry, he is not THAT cute!  Lol

So maybe he will miss me, maybe not.  

I need to get the coworker some sort of delicious chocolate tomorrow.  

Some more thoughts, on my lunch

 I was telling one of my coworkers about my friend coming back and she said "Heather, that is so funny.  Just yesterday you said you were going to wait for God to bring you the right guy."

I did say that.

That said, plenty in my life could/would be a deal killer for a lot of guys so we will see.  

I am impressed he signed up for a route so bad one of the drivers is taking a mental health leave of absence from, not once but twice to get another crack at me.  

Work is going OK the rain is supposed to start around 7 so I should be home by then.  

I got really badly burned with Ron

 So a huge part of me is very skittish and wants to run like hell at even the thought of romance.  

And then I wonder, when I die, who will find me?  How long will it take?  Do I want to die alone?  

Regardless of his intentions this guy does bring up these questions and I don't have a clear answer.  

Hopefully I can buy forgiveness

 I was so flustered this morning:  who willingly signs up for another 6 months on the crazy train?  Why did he tell me he was hoping to get me again?  That I forgot to feed the cats this morning.  

I only realized at the bus stop, as she approached.  Hopefully my plan will work, walk in with a can of wet food in my hand and all is forgiven.  

My tough boss is here all day, I gotta get it together.  

My head is spinning

 Yesterday I had mostly new drivers.  The first 3 were pretty unremarkable, got me to work.  

I was waiting at that horribly filthy bus stop outside of work wondering who would get me at 4:20.  One things for sure it would be a new driver because no driver ever signs up for another ride on the crazy train.  

I was happy to see it approaching in a timely manner.  It stopped, opened the door, and I almost had a heart attack.  I grinned, pointed my finger at the driver, and began laughing.  

It is the guy from last year.  The little Asian dude did not want the route again and my guy bid on it, hoping he would get me again.  He told me this.  

We didn't talk much I am still trying to process this.

Whew.

That was a rather frustrating phone call

 I talked to my Dad last night.

He was upset I am not putting $300 a check into savings and I had to explain I had to pay the $900 insurance - with a tropical event due to landfall tomorrow, back property tex of at least $700, and an unexpected bill from my doctor for $500.

It seems the doctor ran some blood tests that were not covered so now I am on the hook for $470.  Dad had been very insistent I go.  Had I done it "my" way and paid cash for a workup from Any lab test now, I would only been out $250.  They both seemed to think it was "fine" that I owed this now which is very frustrating.  I only net about $12 an hour.  

I also told them the blood pressure pills are making me very heat intolerant and raising my lithium levels.  Mom kept saying I was going to have a stroke if I stopped them.  I am at much more severe health risk if I continue and I cannot afford to keep seeing this doctor at $500 a visit.

So then I told them about the tropical blob and the likelihood that the bus company will shut down.  I said I would have to pay at least $40 for cab rides to-from work and it didn't seem to make sense to work all day in severe weather only to net $30. Dad got upset over that and said I had to work anyway.  The streets flood when we get heavy rain I could end up stranded somewhere.  

Mostly new drivers today

 I had my flashlight at the first stop so she saw me.  

Interesting note: not one of my new drivers was surprised by the candy, unlike previous drivers.  So I think that driver was right when he said they did talk about me.  They were expecting it.  

So my primary routes all new drivers.  One "old" driver at the transit center.  

My last route had a driver off the extra board she said my regular driver ran late and lost the route for the day.  That bus had a pretty bad leak issue water was dripping all over half the seats.  I plan to call about that.  

I normally wake up with a headache.  Last night I had the thought why not take a Butterbur (herbal supplement) at night and see if it helps.  It is a hell of a lot safer than the propranolol.  And it worked.  So I will just do that.  

The tropical blob, to quote a weather blogger, hasn't made it inland yet.  

That's it for now.  

I knew cats were awesome; but mine are more than most.

 Sometimes with people in my life I have to decide what I'm going to share and what would be wrong to share.  

Example: I feel OK saying my aunt has migraines and that the monthly shot help her a lot.  I wouldn't feel OK sharing what she told me about some of her triggers.  

I  can say I think a lot of people I know have a drinking problem but I'm not going to name them.  Except Ron; the fact he was beating me black and blue and having blackouts every night were kind of a HINT he had an issue anyway.  

I overshare, no way around that.  A lot of that is my disability.  I'm just a big puppy.  With rare exception I love everyone I meet and that has gotten me in trouble more than once, trusting someone I shouldn't.  Like my husband.  

I have learned, through hard experience, to put my bag next to me when I sit on the bus or I may have someone putting their hand on my leg while baby talking me.  Someone I don't know.  You never saw me jump up so fast!  

I don't think my family really get the scope on that - my deficits.  I am very, very, good at hiding.  Even when I talk about issues I think they put it through their normal filter.  

My brother put "School of Hard Knocks" under his education on Facebook.   I guess that's where I am.  

I have also concluded I have normal cats, after all.  

I will explain.  I was taking care of Ron for a long time, trying to hold things together.  I wasn't always there for the cats.  Cats have emotional needs just like people, and I still worry I am not meeting Spotty's needs.  

And somewhere between the blackouts, Ron falling getting out of the bathtub and cracking his head, him falling out of bed, his wheelchair, etc.  The endless progression of diapers and all my battles trying to get him to have a bowel movement.  The seizures - the cats said to themselves "Heather has enough on her plate, we're not going to use the litter box.  We're going to go outside instead even if we don't like it".  

And, sometime last week, they decided, "We're going to use the litter box again" (I have 4) So the last hour has been a rabbit hole of cleaning and dumping boxes, filling them.  

I really didn't think about it but I guess they were going easy on me the whole time.  Interesting.  

I pulled this out of my shower drain

 Sometimes I like to tease my readers.  

Anyway I have long hair and I hadn't been using my hair catcher in the shower drain.  My drain was getting sluggish so I had a look the other day and ended up pulling this out: 

A little while ago, I gave it, and the sink drain (bathroom sink which is also sluggish for some reason) a lye treatment.  I know one reader has vapors over that but I felt it was warranted.  It was only half a bottle of the cheap stuff.  They run MUCH better now.  

That's the problem with longer hair.  

I had another hideous headache this morning.  It is better but AGH.  Completely unmotivated.  

I did talk to Dad and sent him some baby pictures of him holding me.  He liked that.  

I bought a chair for the bus stop

Orange folding stool

The times I've been out there I have been wishing for a seat more than the shade, even.  

Well I'm feeling a little better.

 I had to make my insurance payment (homeowners) today.  It would have lapsed.  I am not having that.  

Now I do plan to call them and tweak it a little if possible.  Ron and I agreed, for instance, to have a large liability policy and we - I still say we - I do.  I'm keeping that.  I don't know what a "Denali" is but #6 has one and it looks expensive, God forbid my tree falls on it I want my company to pay the whole value.  I have to live next to them, after all.  

There's also some inaccurate information on file, I have PEX pipes now, not copper, and LVP flooring (plastic planks) not carpet.  I feel like (company) is one I can talk to and that is why I coughed up the very large premium (bigger than a paycheck but not a whole month's pay).  They also make it easy to file a claim and actually pay a fair value, as I found out in 2020.  

Dad's a veteran, and so was his Dad.  My maternal grandfather died in WW2.  My stepfather was a pretty high ranking veteran, if I remember correctly a colonel.  So I qualify for USAA.  I just use my Dad he gave me the number some time ago and I am in their computer.  I got a quote some time before Ron died but (current guys) had a better number so we went with them.  

And I'm still saying we.  

Biscuit was super cute this morning: 

If you look behind my head to the left you can see Puppy my stuffed toy dog I have had since Ron's accident.  They didn't have any toy cats in the stuffed animal section, and Puppy was cute, so I got him.  Baby Girl the first used to growl at him and drag him around.  She's long gone but he's still around.  

I am not embarrassed I sleep with a stuffed animal; I haven't had an easy life and ANYTHING is on the table if it helps me sleep better.  My sleep remains pretty terrible at about 6 hours a night, even on days off.  

My Dad bought the tickets - Southwest had a sale.  He used points so he only had to pay about $20 in actual fees.  I go straight there and come through Phoenix on the way back, but it's in the morning on a weekday so that shouldn't be too hairy.  Ron and I went though Phoenix before.  He actually ran into someone he knew.  

I think I have another photo.  

My boys are pretty cute!  

One more I took last week on the way to work.  I love how the buildings in Houston reflect the sunrise.  It is so pretty especially going into downtown.  

A little more about yesterday

 I take ENOUGH medication already with my mood disorder. Four prescriptions. But I was getting intractable migraines so I went to see a primary.

I had never seen her before and the forms they have you fill out don't cover a lot of personal data on my day to day life. Like the fact I ride the bus and spend hours outside every day in our Houston summers.

I knew for a fact my other medication affects my heat tolerance but I need that stuff to stay alive and functional,

The primary said my blood pressure was high (140/90) and if she put me on propranolol it would help with both the blood pressure issue and "preventing headaches" which was a huge selling point for me.

Thanks to HIPPA laws I can get my medication at the work pharmacy. 

I did some reading on it and it looked very hopeful. They didn't have any warnings I was concerned about. So I went to the pharmacy, paid my $4, and they did a consult because it's a new drug.

My only real question for doc was "Will it interact?" "The computer didn't flag it" "Could you double check, I take a lot of stuff" He looked, said it was fine. I also put it into drugs.com and it came back OK.

It worked pretty well preventing the migraines for about a week but then headaches came back, not migraines. I was not happy about that.

I work 4 days and one night a week. The night I work I ride the bus during the day between 10-12 basically standing outside at an unshaded bus stop for most of it. Yesterday it was a feels like temperature of 104. One bus was late so I missed a connection, half an hour out in the sun. There was an accident going the next way so that bus was about 45 minutes late.

I had 16 ounces of Gatorade before I left the house. I had a quart of "Arnold Palmer" (Iced tea with lemonade) in my bottle. And I got so, so, sick at the bus stop I almost had to call 911.

Praise God the bus came when it did. You can say a lot about the Houston Metro bus system but all the buses have excellent air conditioning. It's a long ride to work (about an hour and a half) so I had plenty of time to cool down. I drank 2 quarts of Gatorade (nice to work at a Walmart) when I got to work and knew I was OK when I started urinating again a couple hours later.

BUT I HATE THIS STUFF. I can't do this every week for months....

UGH.

I was able to work last night and do all the essential functions of my job but it wasn't fun.  

I am beat

 I find it funny.  About a year ago my boss wasn't happy with me and loaned me to another department, which/who has borrowed me every day since.  

Tonight they borrowed me twice in a six hour period.  If I wanted to move I'm pretty sure they'd be happy to have me 

But the boss and I seem to have an understanding.  She is very clear on what she wants and I give it to her.  I actually like what I do.

One of the Team Leads overheard me talking to Head Snitch about the "anonymous" surveys and I had said "I always fail them on 'I have the tools I need to do my job.'". Suddenly the equipment is available whenever I need it.  Very interesting.  

Going to bed!  

Placeholder post

 On Spanish only mother with 3 kids that didn't speak English taking up the handicap seats on the bus, 2 cell phones and a tablet, all nicely dressed.  She had a sheaf of papers with social service agenci s on it and kept bugging me, a young man on the bus, and the very busy driver, for "help" figuring out where to go.  The one man who did help she kept bothering so he told her to leave him alone and went to the back of the bus.  

Very entitled.  

I, in the meantime, felt like crap from cooking my brains at the bus stop waiting in the hot sun for an hour. 

More when I get home.  

I feel terrible today

 Not sure why, rarely I get "this".  I would just be guessing.  Headache but not migraine level, nausea but I can fight it.  A general run down and draggy feeling, a runny nose.  The runny nose I think is due to bad levels of air pollution lately.  I actually slept better than usual last night.  

I have 3 points out of 5 for attendance.  Plus it is busy at work with Father's Day coming up so I wouldn't call in.  Also, there is no one to cover and someone I like and respect (all of them) would have to pick up my slack.  I don't do that to people unless I have no other option.  

I can go in and drag through this tonight so I will.  

Dad finally bought my tickets, it only cost him points, he said if he'd paid cash (Southwest had a sale) it would have been about $210 round trip so not bad!  I need to go see the exact dates so I can put in my time off request.  

"You have to be nice to us!"

 I got on my first bus home yesterday and sat in the second set of forward facing seats on the driver's side.  There was a woman facing forward in front of me, talking to a lady sitting in the sideways facing seats.  I will call the sideways lady jumpsuit as she was wearing a skintight one.  

Jumpsuit was very animated, talking about how she ended up on probation for threatening her birth mother with a knife.  The conversation unfolded, the birth mother lost custody when Jumpsuit was a baby and Jumpsuit tracked her down as a teenager.  The mother was an alcoholic and homeless so Jumpsuit invited her to live together.  

She established a few ground rules including no property damage, no visitors, and no drinking.  The final straw Jumpsuit came home one day Mom was partying with her homeless friends.  Holes had been punched in the drywall.  Jumpsuit and her Mom got into a heated argument and Mom pulled a knife.  "So I pulled a bigger knife"

She went on to say she was done "saving" her mother.  An older white lady, obviously a homeless alcoholic, took exception to that "You can't give up on your mother!"

Jumpsuit began a litany of abuses, broken promises, etc "I tried to help her for 15 years. I'm done.  She wouldn't follow the rules!"

"Rules are mean!". The old lady replied.  "Addicts are SICK.  You have to be nice to us!". I wanted to vomit.

Jumpsuit's reply to that, while very appropriate, would get me in trouble if I repeated it.  

Mr B

 My brother met Mr B in elementary school and brought him home.  Mr B was an elderly Jewish man, a WW2 veteran who lost his fiance while fighting overseas.  He never remarried but he loved kids.  

He would hang out around the elementary school, talk to us, give us Starburst candy.  We all adored him and he was never inappropriate.  One of my classmates mother's had him banned, though, convinced he was a pervert.  

He never touched me, but I would (on my own, Mom says), hug him, kiss him, get in his lap.  I didn't have a grandfather both of mine had died, so he got all that affection.

Mom talked to him and he would come by the house, pick up the 3 younger kids (the oldest didn't like him) and take us to 7-11 where he would buy us each a slurpee and a candy selection of our choice.  I preferred chocolate.  

We only had one problem, the red dye in the cherry slurpees made me hyper so I was only allowed to get the Coke flavor 

But it was good times with a very sweet old man who loved the hugs I gave him.  I loved him.

Possible trigger: 

We had 2 regulars today on the bus.  The man who wears the vocational college T-shirt, who was touching himself on the bus yesterday, and a young mom with 3 boys and a girl.  The oldest is a boy about 10, another boy, a 3-4 year old girl, and a toddler boy.  

The pervert kept paying attention to the little girl, giving her candy.  He did not give the boys candy.  

Mr B did not do that.  He treated all children equally.  

I had a very bad hit but the mother was permitting it.  I have learned I can't meddle in some things.  If I do see the Mom without that guy around I will warn her.  

Not every man on the bus is a nice guy.  

"Get in!"

 I was tired as I left work.  I was exhausted.  Then it began to rain.  

When I saw the Defecator at the bus stop, raving nonsense, shirtless, with his shopping cart full of trash pulled completely under the bus shelter (leaving no room for me), I almost cried.  

I stood there on the other side of the street getting up my resolve to cross and deal with probably the most dangerous person I encounter in my daily travels.  

When I heard someone calling my name.  I looked around.  A lady from work had her head out the window of a car, beckoning me.  "Heather, get in!"  

She did not have to ask me twice!  

Tuesday is my hard day

 The challenging boss and I work the same shift   She has been pecking at me some but nothing too awful.  

Tomorrow, on the other hand, I only have to deal with her for an hour.  Thursday is 4 hours, Friday 5.  But today's 6.  It's also her Monday so she tends to be irritable.  

I have some cute cat photos I will post later.  I can't do it from my phone.  

All aboard the crazy train

 Why is he taking off his pants?!?!?  I am trying not to look.

Other than that an uneventful ride so far.  

She was right

 Many years ago Ann Landers ran a column with a letter from a reader.  The reader had a medical problem and was in a coma for some time.  "You said" the writer stated "That people in a coma can hear and understand everything that goes on around them.  I didn't believe you until it happened to me.  I learned a lot - all of it bad - about what I thought was a loving family.  They shared malicious gossip about me at my bedside and plotted to divide my jewelry.  I recovered, confronted them with what was said, and our relationship is ruined."  

So when Ron got hurt I remembered this, of course.  I measured everything I said to him.  I even wore his favorite "date night" perfume to the hospital every day because I figured the scent might do something words and medicine could not.  I talked to him endlessly.  

At first his family did the cheerleader thing so I didn't worry.  "Take your time" they told him.  

When they left I would tell him "Look they are not giving me any money from the business and I have to pay the rent, wake your ass up!"  I promised I would never lie to him about his condition.  I told him the doctors were saying things looked bad but God hadn't taken him and I had a sign from God (look up my Psalm 72 blog) he would make it.  

The family began malicious gossip at his bedside and talking about how they would place him in a facility when he did wake up.  I took them aside, told them about the Ann Landers letter, BEGGED them to consider what they were saying, and to PLEASE ONLY SAY THINGS YOU'D SAY IF HE WAS AWAKE.  

They didn't listen.  How do I know?  

When Ron came back he, by his own admission, "played dumb" for a week.  He took the time to evaluate everyone around him.  His family, he later related, had engaged in vicious and unrelenting gossip about Ron, me, our relationship, and their plan to dump Ron as soon as legally possible so he could rot in some Medicaid hellhole nursing home.  How his sister said she didn't want to be a butt-wiper.  It did not go well, some months later, when he confronted his parents with this fact and told them "Heather was RIGHT!  I HEARD YOU SAY IT!"  That's when they cut off contact.  

I was amazed at what he knew.  He remembered me saying I would take care of him until he died (which I did), how I said I would always tell him the truth about his condition (I did), and even the fact that Shadow had caught and eaten a dove the day after his accident.  

If someone is in a coma, measure your words VERY carefully.  

"Is your brain attacking you again?"

 While Ron got a book on seizures, for himself, after he developed epilepsy; got a book on menopause and female hormonal issues when I had trouble with cramps, and a book on brain damage - interestingly enough BEFORE his accident ("Conversations with Neil's Brain"), he never got a book on bipolar disorder.  But I was able to tell him enough he learned that sometimes I just got depressed for no reason, it was no one's fault, and I would just have to knuckle through.  

I'm dealing with that today and, like "Get Off Your Feet" I can hear him saying "Is your brain attacking you today?".  

Yes, it is.  

"Get off your feet!"

 Ron used to tell me that when we had the deli.  He was always encouraging me to sit down between customers because he worried about my feet.  

He always worried about my feet and encouraged me go get good shoes if at all possible.  When they were open, though, I could generally only afford a "Payless" type of shoe.  I never shopped at a Walmart until we moved to Houston.  

I did what I could - I think the cashiering jobs were the worst because it's standing in one place for hours on end, generally with minimal breaks.  Ron told me he used to go to the Lucky Supermarket near his apartment in the late 80's and a cashier would help him shop, it was the same young lady every time.  He sent her flowers but she had a boyfriend.  She was the one who told him about feet hurting.  

Ron had flat feet so he always had trouble with his feet hurting.  His feet were remarkably flat.  I used to give him foot rubs (which he loved) and I would just be in awe of the fact he had literally no arch at all.  He couldn't do foot rubs after the Bactrim in 2008 it bothered him.  But he sure loved them when I could.  

When I work I generally clock about 5-7 miles a day on my feet.  My shoes wear out pretty quick.  I wore a pair last week and they were bothering me.  I forgot which pair it was and wore them again Sunday and boy that was uncomfortable.  I could hear Ron yelling in my head.  I threw the shoes out when I got home.  I'll get some new shoes when I get paid again.  I get the Men's Athletic Works sneaker and put 2 insoles in them, they are pretty squishy and plush feeling after that.  I have the type of gait I don't need "motion control" - my feet don't roll enough, so just any shoe with good padding will work.  

My feet seem fine today, once I got up and started moving around.  I had some plantar issues about 10 years ago and it got really bad.  I was limping around all the time but Ron didn't know because he was in a wheelchair.  He would have felt the change in my gait if I had been walking him around.  This is nowhere near that bad.  

Looking back, I'm glad I did this

 I was very invested in proving myself and painting myself in a good light the first several years of the blog.  That the in laws and basically the world were in the wrong, and I in the right.  That Saint Heather rode to the rescue when Ron needed her most and we had a happy ending.  

Of course real life is MUCH more complex than that.  

But I did think of one thing I did that I'm proud of doing.  After Ron's accident the medical people were very grim.  Essentially, Ron had the worst head injury you could have while still keeping the brains in the skull.  So, understandably, they were pretty pessimistic about his odds of having what they called "A good outcome". 21 years, 6 months later I think he did pretty well considering.  

But he was definitely impaired.  He'd had a stroke "on my right side" as he always said, he of course had the stroke on the left side and it affected his right.  I didn't know how to work with that, the fact he had "sternal precautions" from open heart surgery, broken ribs (right side) and a badly broken leg that required surgery (but Dr Tucker did a great job on that one).  They had him in a skilled nursing floor with 24/7 care but made it clear he would not be staying for long.  

The in laws just planned to legally abandon him, to refuse to care for him and then have him become a ward of the state and placed in some (hellhole) facility, where he'd likely die pretty quick.  I had other plans.  

But first I had to learn how to take care of him.  I began by asking the doctors for classes.  They said "We don't offer anything like that, but it is a good idea" (they later began a program).  I asked the nurses.  They were "too busy".  And I understood that because I had read some biographies of nurses (Echo Heron in particular).  I begged one nurse for help, crying and telling her the in laws plans for Ron if I wasn't able to take care of him and how desperately I needed to learn these skills.  

This is back when they kept "the chart" as pages of paper in a big plastic binder.  Everyone who cared for Ron would look in the chart before helping him and then make notes after they left.  

She looked at me for a moment and gave me a piece of paper "Write a note" she said kindly "to the staff, asking for help.  I will put this in the front of the chart".  So I basically begged for help/training on how to care for Ron so I could take him home and get him better.  

And wow.  What a result!  EVERYONE came in that room, "I read your note" they'd start.  "I'm going to teach you how to..." (make a bed with him in it, give him a bed bath, transfer to commode chair, etc.  By the time he left I was READY.  I knew it.  My FIL knew it (and signed over custody), the social worker, the physical therapist, ALL the nurses and nurse aides knew it.  

I thank God every day for that kindly nurse and her suggestion.  Our story could have had a horrible ending if she hadn't done that.  

Monday morning, a rare weekday off.

I got the credit card paid off, the computer paid (Dad reimbursed me).  I need to wait for something to clear my account and then make the payment on the insurance.   

I slept horribly last night, I kept waking up every hour or so.  I had nightmares about an earthquake in CA.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  

Yesterday the TV at work had pride day parades on TV, talking about "the state of pride' before.  Just once I'd like to see some real evangelism.  They used to play David Jeremiah - I liked him - or Joel Osteen (I don't).  Most of the time they have the 24 hour streaming channel 13 which I think is appropriate.  

I really like the Chromebook I was worried I was going to feel like I was settling but I don't.  Cleo is next to me on the couch demanding pets and purring at me.  Spotty's on the back of the couch watching me type.  It's cute.  Oh!  Cleo is doing "the tractor" where she backs her butt into me.  I love that one.  I am playing music on the speakers and they are very good.  I feel like the computer is fast and it has a great display.  

If I could beat this headache I'd be a happy woman.  I'm going to fix a protein shake and take my pills.  

How do you like me now?

How do you like me now?
How do you like me now?
Now that I'm on my way
Do you still think I'm crazy standing here today?
I couldn't make you love me but I always dreamed about livin' in your radio
How do you like me now?

 I find that song heartbreaking.  Ron believed his whole life he had a close, loving, family, and more than once warned me he would dump me if they disapproved.  So, to me, for a very long time, I sought their approval, didn't disagree, etc 

Then he got run over.  His mother didn't want lifesaving surgery and Ron, the idiot, hadn't married me so I had no say.  I had to beg his father to sign the consent form, which he did.  

No one knew how Ron would turn out after his head injury and they started planning to legally abandon him so he would become a ward of the state.  I objected.  Vehemently.  I asked for training and said I'd take care of him to anyone who'd listen. 

Ultimately,Ron himself told his Dad he wanted to go home with me.  So Ron's Dad signed a form giving me custody. 

When Ron came back to himself I had a lot to say about his "family", none of it nice.  He didn't believe me at first but then began recalling conversations he had overheard and realized I was right.  

And he made an amazing recovery for many years.  He ran the business, used spreadsheets, did bank reconciliations,set up my voicemail, things like that.  He set up a really cute greeting on my voicemail with Frosty meowing.  We bought a house, got a mortgage, etc   He set up all the paratransit trips.

He did pretty well physically for a while too even mowing the yard.  The whole time he kept reaching out to them, calling, dropping by his parents house (they told us to leave and not come back), etc.  They stopped taking his calls; he got me a phone and called them, they picked up, realized it was him, and hung up.  It broke his heart.  

About this time the song came out: 

How do you like me now?
How do you like me now?
Now that I'm on my way
Do you still think I'm crazy standing here today?
I couldn't make you love me but I always dreamed about livin' in your radio
How do you like me now?

He adopted it as his anthem for his family, shouting the lyrics while drunk and sobbing.  It was horrible.  

And they play the song regularly at my store, every time I remember Ron singing along as he cried.  I wish they would take it off the playlist.  

I wonder what I should do with my tampons

 I haven't had a cycle since January.  This is a personal record but I'm at the right age to wrap this up.  

It is practically a holiday SHE isn't there!  One of my coworkers is positively gleeful.  

I plan to keep bringing a few tampons to work every day, you never know.  At least until I'm in official menopause.  

Dad sent me a Chromebook

 When he got a look at what I was using.  I set it up yesterday.  It was very easy but I did unplug the router by accident and then I couldn't find the network.  I got that sorted and Biscuit got in my lap, walked on the track pad, and selected a neighbor's network!  It was pretty funny.  

I took a ton of photos I will post later.  I set up "smart lock" so my phone can unlock the laptop.  

A quick run down: I got a used computer at an auction in 95.  Built my own computer in 99.  After that I bought a series of used computers.  I bought a used laptop in 2002 to help run the business, it had a good run, Ron bought me a reconditioned one a few times, Dad gave me an old laptop which was stolen, my very sweet brother in law sent me another one.  Ron bought me the reconditioned ones.  Eric gave me one of his.  

So this is my first "new" computer in 25 years.  I like it a lot it is a wonderful size for me and does everything I want. I am still figuring it out.  

I was using a corded mouse and keyboard on my old system because I got tired of changing batteries.  I was already using Chrome as my browser. 

I just need to set up Sheets so I can do spreadsheets, and, if I can swing it, get a cute case for it.  

First though I have to pay off the credit card and the homeowners basic policy.  

I was sick all night with food poisoning but it seems to have been the one night version flushing all night but OK and hungry in the morning.  

So I'm at work.  

That's it for now!