I had an uneventful trip to the grocery store; someone had run over a squirrel on my route to the bus stop but the vultures were cleaning it up by the time I came back.
I was thinking at the bus stop: I work for a verbally abusive boss who uses threats and intimidation. Every employee I have ever spoken to about her says that. People who used to work for her are thrilled to get away. She calls people on their lunches, ordered me to walk across the store and bring her things on a couple of of my lunch breaks, etc. She called me at home (after I had already filed a report and texted her as well) during my last migraine. Very rarely she says "Good job" but it is very much lost in the sea of judgment and criticism.
So why do I work for her? I was thinking about that standing at the bus stop for a half hour. I don't play on my phone because I need to be alert, my mugging in 2009 taught me that. So I was thinking.
And I realized I was looking for family after Ron died, some of the employees were very kind. I thought maybe I had a place to belong after losing Ron and well, I am used to being treated badly, aren't I?
I need to think about this some more.
6 comments:
You think too much and go over and over your past. How can you look to the future when all you think about is an unhappy past? I wish you would get professional help you need to talk to someone. You have many years ahead of you but you're stuck. All your medication keeps you from going crazy that's good but you lie to your doctor telling him you're fine. He should know more than just your meds are working. Please know I say this with concern and nothing else.
I talk to him; he's not worried about me as long as I'm taking everything every day.
No one deserves to be treated like that. Not on the job and not in a relationship. I understand you have to have a job but please remember it is just a job. I recently switched jobs going from a toxic job and God led me to a great job. But it was still difficult to leave the toxic job because I had been there so long and it was all I knew. So I understand what you were saying There are other jobs out there and not all of them are toxic. I'm not saying look for a new job right now but keep in mind that you are not stuck there that you are a good employee and have value and worth and there is someplace for you to work that won't make you feel like crap at the end of every shift.
I agree so much that it would be great for you to get professional help. I don't think you are lying to your doctor when you say you are fine, I just think you don't see the issues and there is no one in your life who is a reliable reporter of the information that would help your doctor understand. I have always hoped that some member of your family would read your blog regularly, talk to you about concerns, and advise you and talk to your doctor with you. Since that isn't really likely, a therapist could help you sort some things out and gain greater confidence and perspective. Obviously I wish you well whatever you decide, but I hope you consider it.
Professionals don't solve your problems for you, they are paid listeners. I know too many people who are in a cycle of counseling because they are scared to think for themselves.
To the comment I deleted, I was down with "Heather's blog IS her therapy" but didn't feel it was kind to deride those who do take therapy.
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