I woke up and thought for a while about going to church. I had my usual morning headache which would likely dissipate with a dose of Excedrin.
I got up and decided to try some aspirin because 1. I have a giant bottle (long story) and 2. I am trying to cut back on the Tylenol. I went back to bed for a while and it helped.
Then I had to think. I am calling the bus driver of the "Crazy Train" bus I took home from work 3x a week for a 45 minute trip, talking the whole time to me, guy, "Mike". Mike told me he took a route that would get me after church because he couldn't get his original route back.
That was significant, I felt. He changed his job around just for the chance to have more contact. He is significantly younger than me but doesn't seem to care. He has asked me several times (not in these words) if I am still in love with my dead husband and I have told him no, I'm not. He seemed very happy with that answer.
And I'm not. Ron was a drunk, womanizer, wife beater. I am not going to pine after that for the rest of my life. But I am burned and that gets to the crux of my post.
Mike has basically left the door open it is up to me if I walk through it. All I have to do is go out there when I know his bus is coming by. Today, I wasn't ready. I need to process before I leap into anything.
I have 3 secrets. You know the one secret, my diagnosis and the reason I take medication. I have 2 others. Any one of those, I think, would be a deal killer for any relationship and good reasons, I tell myself, to get ready to die alone.
I battle; self esteem/humility. Ron really did a number on me, I can't tell you how many times he called me "worthless". That leaches into your soul no matter how many times you tell yourself otherwise. So I think no one's going to want me if they get a good look. On the other hand I have pride issues: I got through it all on my own, I don't need anyone's love.
What does God want for me? Two passages in the New Testament apply: one says younger (What is younger? My age?) widows should remarry. Another passage says widows should stay single because they can focus on serving God.
I don't want to make an ass out of myself like I did with Beau last year. I don't want to walk away from someone God has for me.
This keeps coming to mind:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
New King James Version
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails.
I need to work on becoming this person no matter what happens in my life. I am going to focus on that for now.
If/when I see Mike again if it is apparent he is interested I will let him know I am too, but I have issues. By "interested" ask for my phone number or something like that.
That's it for now.
11 comments:
My husband didn't tell me his secrets until we were already a couple and shacking up, (not proud of that) he didn't just have 2 boys, he had a baby girl. And... on our 1 year anniversary the cops knocked on our door to serve him paternity papers on his other secret. Thirty three years later, that's water under the bridge but it was rough.
My thinking if I find someone (not saying I have) disclose as things get serious and see if he still is interested. I would not keep the secrets until after marriage that wouldn't be fair.
I think the mood disorder one would come out pretty quick if he just looked at the meds I have on the kitchen table, went and googled them. The other two I am the only one who knows them.
I don't have kids but suspect I had a couple of miscarriages during my marriage. I don't see that as a secret, though.
I guess the blog would be the 4th secret. That I'm not letting out until things are very serious, if ever.
And this is all assuming God has someone for me which is a very big if. I was looking at the kitchen today, if I had anyone in my life he would always (like Ron) be shouting at me about the housekeeping.
I think every woman has a mood disorder from time to time lol, but seriously don't count yourself out.
Also, if you really fell in love, I think you would want to clean house for him.
Why is your house such a mess? It's so easy to have a clean house when you live alone. Aside from the mess, anyone who walked into that place would know you had major problems with the colors you've chosen.
What's that saying if you don't have anything good to say, keep quiet?
I will do a full post about this but we get into Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Executive Functions.
"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all!". I heard that a lot growing up
I suppose sanitarium white is better? Lol
I don't see anything wrong with that comment, a legitimate question was asked. As far as the colors let's all be honest about it. Those are not colors most people would choose for a relaxing, comfortable environment. Would you not wonder what was going on with that person?
The funny thing, I love cream and 5 gallons of cream paint were applied in my house during the repairs. But all anyone sees is Ron's room (turquoise) or the orange room.
I find bright colors, cream very relaxing. I have lavender in the bathroom.
Well, that's good if the rest of the house is neutral. Shut the doors so you don't scare people with the other rooms. lol
Post a Comment