Saturday evening

 I am really sick of this roller coaster of boss moods, threats, intimidation.  I am thinking of looking for another job.  This is just going to go on until she leaves or I do.  

I will give it another week or two get my meds right and get the interview clothes set up.  

Speaking of meds I want a gold star, I did all mine up, BY THEMSELVES in their own box on the kitchen table where I keep my keys.  I have all 4 in there, I checked.  

Since my stomach has been bothering me I have the bottle of ginger root capsules and some pepto tablets on the kitchen table as well.  

One of my greatest fears is running out of medication.  I can't believe I did this to myself not once but twice in a month; I've got to get better at this.  I have done really well for 17 years overall.  I've just been under a lot of stress.  

But it is encouraging that they increased my hours twice, then had me work a full 40 hours in a couple weeks.  So I feel like they WANT me around.  Some of them at any rate.  

Back to meds I have decided not to do any supplements this week just back to basics (multivitamin etc).  I feel like I need to get right before I make any decisions, if at all possible.  

I mean, God forbid my boss fires me over some petty bull I will step up but for now I need to focus on getting better.  I don't like admitting I'm sick, I have a very hard time with that.  But I am.  

This is one reason I decided I would never have kids after my diagnosis.  I need stability and infants are, by nature, chaotic, don't let you sleep.  

It is very hard for me not to feel responsible for my mother's breakdown after my birth.  She wasn't hospitalized, should have been, according to Dad she just stayed in bed and drank while I cried and starved in a filthy diaper all day.  Dad didn't know what to do but did get me into daycare when I was 2.  

You wonder why I'm this way that's a big part of it.  So it doesn't take a genius to see if I had trouble with Ron keeping me up at night - when I could get some sleep during the day - it would have been Very Bad to have a baby.  

Even Torbie, the first night I had her, spent all night getting into things in my room, trilling, meowing loudly, and knocking things over and she was a cat.  Add in the cat fights with Baby Girl and it was a rough couple weeks.  AND THAT WAS A CAT.  

I probably couldn't even foster kittens.  So a lot of things are out including child care, home care, pretty much any medical field thing.  

The brain damage ensured I wouldn't drive so that limits me more.  

And that's one thing I wonder about at work.  If I had told my boss from the start that I had brain damage would she have been more understanding?  Or would she have gotten rid of me.  [sigh]  I don't know.  I probably won't, until I talk to God one day.  I never felt LED to do it.  So I didn't.  

If I even HINTED at divulging either of my big secrets (that which I take the medication for, and the brain damage) my family had the vapors and begged me not to do it.  So I never did.  

I am doing laundry right now.  I will call my family in about half an hour.  I am trying to convey "having a little trouble" without freaking them out.  

On a 1-10 I give this a 3 or a 4.