Sunday

 I will do a short video blog later just to show off my t shirt.  

I didn't get enough sleep but it was a good quality so I was functional.  Got to work OK, got clocked in.  Plenty of work to keep me busy.  I only got shouted at once.  Not a supervisor either.  

I am realizing this is just the woman's style to shout at everyone like they just peed on the rug.  I can only imagine what her early childhood must have been like to mold her into that sort of person.  

I finished up and caught a cab home so I would be home on time.  I took a nap and had a pretty good one for about an hour.  

The cats are good, Torbie is right next to me and I saw everyone else.  My jeans are comfortable enough I left them on vs. putting on my sweat pants.  It is nice to be at a good size.  I am really happy I have found the $9 jeans to be comfortable and good for working.  

I have no idea what I am doing for dinner.  I think I will just make a shake and call that done.  

Sorry, cats, but I did stick the plug in into the wall so the house smells like pumpkin spice.  I am all ready to go for the kids.  

Sunday morning

 I slept OK just not enough.  When I woke up Torbie was by my head which is my FAVORITE.  

I have committed to honesty in the blog even when it makes me look bad, I am still a little resentful about yesterday at work.  I need to GET OVER IT.  I am asking God to help me with it.  

I am trying to remember how I felt looking for work and my desperation, focus on that and how good it is to have a steady job now.  I think if I can do that today I will do OK.  

It's been a long time since I worked a retail Halloween.  It will be interesting to see how that goes.  Yesterday was busy, I assume today will as well.  

I am going to take my shower.   Done, dressed and ready to go.  

I am feeling better about work after my Bible study.  It's just going to get crazier as we get into Christmas.  I know that.  It's less than 2 months away so I should "rig up".  

Anyway that's it for now.  

Saturday

 I think I am pretty level.  And I am not upset but a little - what?  Taken aback I guess.  

The store has been very busy this weekend.  I was very, very, busy all day.  My four hour shift felt like 16.  I did everything I was assigned to do.  One co worker was not happy with the job I did and made loud, disparaging, comments in front of a manager.  Another manager who had been happy with my work pulled me off it and sent me to do something else, then followed me over to watch me work.  I didn't know it at the time but I worked like I always do "As serving God" (Colossians 3:23).  So it didn't matter.  She came over and micromanaged me, again, I am OK with this because I understand the average employee may not be diligent.  But not once today did I hear a positive word and that is very sad.  

I don't go into work to get approval.  I go into work to get paid.  But that is how you lose good workers.  Again, not angry, not sad, just a little disappointed.  And they even have a big poster in the manager's office about appreciating employees.  I will say in spite of everything I was GOOD to my customers and they all left their encounters happy.  

I did it all.  I could forget about all of it the minute I clocked out.  I am home now and relaxing in my sweat pants.  I'm going to check the mail.  Nothing in the mail but I did get one of those free newspapers with some coupons.  And I actually found some coupons I can use.  One, for the washing machine cleaner, $1 off.  And 50 cents off Oscar Mayer hot dogs (I love their cheese dog).  The backside of one of the coupons has a glade coupon for $1 off a scent product so I might look into that.  

I also need to look at the laundry and figure out if I need to run a load.  I will go do that.  

Yeah I had enough for a load so I got that going.  I indulged myself and used a Gain pack instead of my usual Tide.  I took off the shirt I had worn to work and got out my old stained gray shirt to wear instead.  The gray shirt is fine for around the house.  But it does have a spot so I don't use it for work.  

I am not hungry yet so I will wait on eating.  I have lots of good frozen dinner things in the freezer.  I do plan to buy those hot dogs I had been thinking about them anyway.  

I may look at t shirts online even though I have a good amount.  I have several black pocket t shirts, and some colored with and without pockets.  I would like some in cream and light gray but I will be fine without.  

I am disjointed... my parents are visiting my stepbrother and grandson.  Then visiting her mother in a few days.  So no phone call.  I did text them I had gotten home OK.  And pretty sure my aunt has a thing today.  I don't want to watch SVU.  Don't want to watch the news for that matter.  Don't want to clean.  I will figure it out.  

That's it for now.  

Friday

 I slept OK until about 4 AM then woke with a crushing headache.  I don't generally use the term "migraine" unless I am vomiting and I haven't, but it is a nasty one.  I took some Excedrin and went back to bed.  When I got up, I had some Gatorade (I keep powder on hand).  I took a hot shower.  You get the idea.  

My new wedding ring is starting to get a little loose, I am glad I only bought the $12 one.  I told Jesus I am married to Him for now.  I will get a new ring in a couple weeks if this keeps up.  I want to have a ring that fits.  And I want to have a ring it prevents a lot of problems.  

I need to figure out what I'm wearing today.  I have my jeans and support socks of course, but don't know about the top.  I am pretty chilled right now I may turn up the heater.  I am making enough money I can do that.  

Also important business Torbie wants some attention and I believe I should do that; I don't know how long I will have her and I don't want my last memory to be pushing her away.   

So I did that, some nice petting time on the couch, hanging out together while I did my Bible study (abbreviated due to headache), then some treats for her and Baby Girl, because we have a policy of treats after God Time.  Baby Girl started that one and it seemed reasonable so I have kept it up.  

I did turn up the heater some more but not up to a crazy level.  I also cleaned the drains.  I used the lye in the tub drain, let it sit in the pipes for an hour, flush with hot water.  I shed a lot of thick brown hair so it seems prudent.  

I had not thought about my drains for about a year.  I was busy with Ron and then busy with grief.  One day I noticed my tub was draining slow and ended up fishing out a clog bigger than my fist.  So I got back on track with that.  I also brush my hair right before I take my shower to eliminate hair fall.  

Oh, my head sucks.  I should be able to work but I will make sure I have an abundance of headache pills.  I need to get dressed, will be back.   

I went with my purple sweatshirt.  I can wear the hoodie over that in transit and then just the sweatshirt at work.  I got this shirt ages ago and it fits great.  I have been "around" a 20-24 for the last 10 years or so.  I bought this when I was a 2X and it has a good fit.  

It can be hard to find affordable, colored, large size tops.  I am glad I hung onto this.  I also have some flannel and one fleece shirt.  I am also happy everything in my closet is something that fits me well, with the smaller sizes tucked off to the side in a box on the floor.  I took out all the 3X yesterday and put it in the garage.  

It sure is nice having a garage.  A storage unit would cost me over a hundred a month for a 10x20 unit.  

I am feeling a little better, I'm going to go.  I will likely not do a post tonight unless something remarkable happens.  

Thursday night

 Windy today!  I had, for the second day in a row, a hell of a time getting to work.  Not much damage at the house some dead twigs out of my big tree out front, the trash cans blown over but no trash in them.  Work was fine, kept me busy.  No time to feel sorry for myself which is exactly what I want.  

Cats are good, I saw all of them since I got home.  I had a delicious frozen burrito (I like the green chili ones and have since I was a teen) for dinner.  I don't know why I haven't bought them more often.  I just had one, it is filling.  I guess as I progress food is something fun again and not just something to keep me alive.  

Speaking of which I am pretty sure the guy on dialysis died tonight.  Ambulance and a police car down at the end of my block, stayed a LONG while.  Seemed just like the day Ron died.  I hope he was saved.  

I have to go to bed, I love you all and I hope you have a good night.  

Thursday morning

 After death, a lot of times the survivor focuses on seemingly odd things.  "I want Mom's old mixing bowl" and will go to the MAT to fight for it.  I was determined to keep Ron's family away from my grief process after they toyed with me, and did that.  Had they been decent I might have even given them a "mini urn" with some of Ron's ashes to keep or sprinkle as they chose.  

Anyway, one thing I had in my head I had to get Ron off the voter rolls.  My aunt found that about impossible, the only way to do that was to fill out a form and mail the death certificate.  We didn't want to do that, so it looked like she would have to go downtown (!) and go to an office to get him finished.  

I just couldn't stand the thought of someone voting under his name.  Voting together is a very happy memory for me, that's probably why.  

So, anyway, my aunt ran into a bigwig in the Party and brought up this tale, the woman had an app.  She was able to look and Ron is not on the rolls, just Ronald Jerome (the guy with a criminal record).  They also looked it up by address, I am the only registered voter.  So, good, that's done.  I know it wasn't rational but my aunt was very accommodating.  So was the other lady.  

I got caught in the rain, severe weather at that, on my way to work yesterday.  Yes, I had my poncho.  Yes, I still got soaked.  Not a fun ride.  I resolved to take a ride home and I did that.  I was cold when I got to work so I bought a sweatshirt, which was a little big.  So apparently a 2X is a little large now?  I know the sweatshirts are supposed to be oversized so we will see.  The sweatshirt WAS very cozy.  I won't return it because I took all the tags off and wore it all day.  

I finished work and took the cab home, nice solid ride.  I talked to my aunt for a bit.  She told me we are on the docket next week for Ron's will stuff.  The will was done up by a lawyer, notarized, etc. so should be no problems.  I never dreamed we would need it so soon.  But I'm glad he had the rectal bleeding 6 years ago so we settled that.  

So I am getting a ride home tonight and tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday.  I can afford it I am thrifty.  Sunday I have to be home for the kids that is a huge evangelism thing for me.  Monday after 6 days working in a row?  Everyone at work, when they hear that, makes a face and goes EW.  But for the next couple weeks after this one it is just Thursday to Monday only.  No more Wednesdays which have been a PITA.  (not that I have complained except here and just now)   Tonight and tomorrow night I get off late.  

Dad says they are going to send me a gift card if I get below 200 pounds.  😂  I admit I can be bribed, solidly 209 this morning so shouldn't be too long.  I also lost a couple of inches since the last time I measured about 2-3 weeks ago.  

When I wanted chips after work yesterday, I went and got the 50 cent one ounce bags.  I did not buy a 5 ounce and eat the whole thing at once.  I am pleased I am making "good calls" like that.  I also had a protein shake for dinner because my body needs protein to function and stay healthy.  

Really if I could give you advice it would be watch your portion sizes, get as much protein as you can, and carbs in moderation.  I have a loaf of bread in the fridge I have just not eaten.  Not interested.  I have rice I don't cook, etc.  This is working the best for me.  Don't get me wrong, I had insane, dramatic, losses with Keto/Low Carb diets but I couldn't maintain them long term.  This way I can have one of those little pecan pies (the mini size for 50 cents) if I want one before I start work.  Or a hamburger on a bun my other source of carbs.  But I am just not interested in the fries anymore.  I eat a lot of processed foods, but if the lasagna says 2 servings I make it 2 servings.  It is working and I don't have to overthink it.  

The cats are good, someone was vomiting this morning before I got up, not sure who.  Biscuit is sort of a bulimic so it could be him.  Or one of the other cats.  I didn't see anything notable in the puke and everyone was very social and interested in breakfast.  More importantly, everyone ate and no one got sick again.  So I am not worried.  

That's it for now, I will keep you posted on how work goes tonight.  I will probably not post when I get home but you never know.  

Wednesday morning

 I slept OK I just felt like I didn't get enough.  Cleo is adorable in bed she gets up with me meowing and butting her head into my hand.  This from the cat who ran away from me as I held a plate of food.  Who would "flinch and flee" if I did manage to touch her.  Now she is a cuddly little thing always shoving her butt in my face.  God worked on her; showed her I was OK.  Ron coaxed her with petting and treats.  And one day I had this awesome little cat (not so little) climbing up with me on the couch.  

Biscuit was also in the bed although I almost had to name him "Pancake" as I nearly flattened him when I rolled over.  Spotty was on the floor when I got up.  And the brown girls showed up when I headed to the food bowl.  That is my first stop every day, food bowl.  Once I manage that I take care of bathroom, scale, etc.  

I checked my email I got about $10 more pay than I was expecting.  I won't argue with it.  I got enough cash I can cover rides, and yesterday I got my bigger credit card.  I turned that on although I don't plan to use it for incidentals.  I might use it at Ikea, for instance.  I would like to get 2 "Pello" chairs, one for Ron's room and one for the orange room.  Dad wants to buy one of them; I can get the other.  

I am seeing some shortages so I may check for those items daily at work (ones I can fit in my bag) and grab them as they become available.  Like tampons, for instance, they had a real lack of them for a while.  For some reason they didn't have any "super plus".  Pads, breakfast bars, etc.  Keep an eye on the cat food and get that when I travel with Jack (won't fit in my bag).  I have a decent amount of coffee, enough for a month or so.  I can just keep that topped off.  I like the decaf mixed with some other leaded coffee.  I use 5 tablespoons a day when I do that.  

I won't be getting more mate chai there is no definite way to determine how much caffeine I am getting and I need a solid number.  My coffee routine in the morning is 200 mg, solid.  No questions.  I know how much "more" caffeine I can have.  Not so with the mate and I have had a restless night or two out of that.

I am good on most of my vitamins.  I do plan to get 2 pair (different colors) of the No Boundaries jeans in a 19 because that will be my next size down.  Then I am set for months.  I have a decent amount of socks and underwear not worried about that either.  

And an oversized t-shirt is not out of line, I have time to pick some more up.  I would like to get some in cream but haven't seen any at the store.  And do I want to get them online?  Mah.  Not sure.  One thing I did years ago I bought a couple multi packs of black pocket t-shirts.  I still have most of those.  I got them in the men's department.  Most of those are a 2x so fit great.  

Happily there isn't much I "need".  I do plan to get the 2 chairs, and when I fix up Ron's room get some curtains in there, too, on a nice rod (I think altogether will be around $60), a new door for Ron's room, a ceiling fixture (hanging) above my kitchen table.  

Out of house things maybe some tops I will have to take a hard look at my clothes and do I want to retire the 3x?  If I do I could use some more stuff.  If not yet then no rush.  I would like another couple of bags of cat food for obvious reasons.  And a new hose sprayer thing mine is broken and very old.  But not much.  

When I get Ron's money I plan to sock it into savings taking maybe $100 to get fun stuff for me.  Tax refund new glasses for me, fine print is getting a little fine for me.  That will be about $200-300 out of $500 so the rest goes into savings.  

One thing I went ahead and did now: I bought some safety lights for "running" I can put those on me and my bag when I am going to work in the dark after daylight savings ends.  They charge on a USB.  They are small enough to fit in my bag and have steady or strobe settings.  It will also make it easier for that first bus to see me.  I can't think of a single reason why I wouldn't want that.  I KNOW cars are reckless in Houston, it is only smart to do this.  

I don't worry about getting run over and killed, after all, I'll be dead, hanging out with Ron in my heavenly mansion.  It's getting half killed that scares me, no offense Ron but ending up like him in agonizing daily pain for decades.  That just sounds hideous.  If I can avoid that with a clip on light and a little extra work in my daily commute I will do that.  

I am still going to the traffic light on the bus, then crossing and catching the "usual" bus to work vs. running out into traffic with no light or crosswalk.  I feel much safer going this way.  Yes, it is a PITA, adds more time, more time standing on my feet, but I'm still standing.  

The internet company said they will be cutting my service at 7 am to do upgrades, one reason I got up earlier today.  So that's it for now.    

 I finished up the candy after I took a nap.  Well, I should clarify.  I finished up the Halloween candy about 50 bags.  

I took some photos thought it might be fun to share.  

The booklet I use (above).  48 pages many Bible verses how to get saved, God's love for you, etc.  Penalty of sin and 10 commandments too.  Try handing THAT out any other day of the year!  😂

One bag there, a couple of handfuls of assorted stuff and the full sized Snickers.  I want them to remember the booklet as coming from the "good" house they are more likely to keep/read it.  

All of it done up.  In Ron's old room which I will use for bagging candy eventually.  

I also did yet more laundry I forgot to wash my new (2 for $13 from Amazon) bras so I wanted to get that done.  I have run enough cycles this week I will be doing a cleaning cycle when the bras (and some oversized dressy clothes headed for the garage) are done.  

And I am set on clothes for a while although I will be keeping an "eye peeled" for some tops because I don't have a lot in 2x which I am now, particularly anything dressy.  I can pick up something at work if need be.  It is nice as I am losing there are more options available for clothes.  

I nearly got to the point I could only buy clothes online and I don't want to go back to that.  I haven't been very hungry today, for instance, so I just had a little ice cream (purchased yesterday) and a couple handfuls of chips.  I will make up some protein shakes (one for tonight, one for tomorrow).  

I ALWAYS even at my most poor, take a multi vitamin every day and I attribute my good health to God first, vitamins and adequate sleep (most nights).  Limited caffeine.  I need to remember to get more E tomorrow at work.  It is nice I am literally always going to Walmart so I can pick up items as needed.   

Torbie has a bad habit of getting up on my printer and clawing gently at my arm.  So now my right forearm has a lot of scratches.  I am not sure what I should do with that, I don't want to chase her off but I don't want to be a chew toy either.  Actually it is Biscuit who gets up there on the printer and chews at me gently.  See why I don't want to date?  I don't know a healthy relationship.  I am getting better at setting boundaries.  

Yesterday I went to the bank and got enough cash to hold me for a while, but I am also taking my low-limit credit card and using that for incidentals at work.  Snacks for instance.  I also put $20 on my McDonald's card so I can use that for lunch.  Things like kitchen trash bags, clothes, and vitamins (things I do need) I pay cash.  We will see how that works out the old way of just paying cash for everything I couldn't figure out where it was all going.  

Torbie has laid down on the printer (I have a blanket over it).  I may get some cheese dogs tomorrow those are sounding really good right now.  I like the whole grain buns.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday

 I slept OK.  Washing my way through the new clothes the Gain things are really working.  These are good enough to deserve a mention.  Just one load with an appropriate amount of packs and it smells brand new.  That should make thrifting a lot easier.  I just got a small bag of them but next time I will get the big tub.  I did my God Time and read about 100 pages into my romance novel.  

I retired my 22's to the garage, which leaves me with (now) 5 pairs of 20's.  The two pairs of 18's and the single pair of 16's can go in the storage bin in my closet for now.  I will go back to the thrift shop after I drop down into 18 range.  I can (and plan to) get a pair of 19's from work just to have something basic to wear.  Purple jeans are great but can't wear that every day.  So I am glad I have the clothing thing sewed up.  

I rejoined the Rapture Ready forum it has a different name now but some of the same people from 20 years ago.  I do feel our time is really short.  

It was nice reading something brainless but it is hard to read how lonely the protagonists are.  I am getting out of "lonely in my empty house" to "OK In MY house" at present most times I am fine and don't think about Ron at home.  

But I do have a problem with Facebook.  All the anniversary posts are unexpectedly hard for me as I will never have 30 years with Ron.  So it is hard to see the wedding photo from then, the "now" photo, the bragging about how many years they've been together.  It never in a MILLION years would have been a problem, I'd think, until Ron died and now I'm looking with new eyes.  If I remarry I don't think I would do those sorts of posts because new widows do find them painful.  I don't have a problem with the date night photo, or wedding photos... but the anniversary ones are UNEXPECTEDLY hard for me.  

It was very gloomy and depressing when I got up but it is warm and sunny now.  I am looking forward to that.  Now I do have to warn you the internet service provider will be doing upgrades the next couple days, so don't worry if I don't post.  

I am really pleased with how I am doing for my weight, and the fact I bought quite a bit of decent frozen dinners for my meals the next couple weeks, sliced turkey and mayo for sandwiches, soy milk for shakes, etc.  I want to be healthy.  I don't want my family to find me dead of a heart attack.  

Dad would have a stroke waiting for them to come back with cause of death, he is not a patient man.  

That's it for now.  

Monday afternoon

 My aunt came, we headed out to the thrift shop.  Not busy.  Immediately I started finding cute stuff.  The fitting room was not open but we found a corner, I took my shoes off, and tried jeans on over my leggings.  I walked out of there with 5 pair.  Two that fit now, two to fit later, and one that may be a while fitting but was only $3 so I snagged it.  

I also got a nice mauve gauzy scarf/wrap nice to wear to dress something up, a cute purple lace knit beanie, a DVD (The Stand), and a paperback romance novel all for $44.  

I show off the clothes here: 

This thrift shop does have a problem with a stale aroma on the clothes so I bought some gain later and am washing the darks in that right now.  

I have 3 new jeans, one I bought at Walmart for $9 and then the two I bought at the thrift shop for $9.  One dark blue, two black.  I will be drying the load with the cat hair preventer dryer sheets.  

I will wash the purple jeans tomorrow. I got a storage box for the smaller stuff to live in.  That way I have something to size down to.  I have found it is motivating to know I have cute new stuff when I lose weight.  And today's whole haul was $44.  You can't beat that.  

My aunt scored half a dozen Disney videos for the grand kids.  She was pretty happy and most of them were the color of the day and thus half off.  I felt great about that I like her to get something too.  Not just always "for Heather" although she is a real Christian about it.  

We got some lunch and then hit Walmart.  I got the one pair of No Boundaries size 21 bootcut jeans I had been considering.  I also got some gain laundry packs because the thrift store smell can be hard to shake.  The tide free and clear wasn't going to cut it.  I got my groceries, a little soda, some drink mix.  2 cartons of vanilla soy milk.  I got some peanut butter crackers I plan to see if those will work for me tonight.  I plan to eat a package (they are preportioned) and see if they give me a headache.  If they don't I will be set with a new, affordable, snack.  

I think I will go eat them now.   Done.  I am just not very hungry today.  Don't get me wrong I ate my lunch but not starving today.  But it should be "enough" for the medication.  

That's it for now.  

The infamous list comes out

 I slept really badly, woke up depressed, cried some over a song.  "God's Great Dance Floor" I know Ron is on it partying away...I miss him.  So I had an ugly cry for a while and didn't feel better.  

I am waiting on my aunt to come get me.  I am wearing some leggings so I can try on jeans at the thrift shop, over my clothes.  

But in the meantime I thought I would get out the list I have been working on for the next guy, if there is one.  

Positive Features: 

Loves Jesus, prayer and Bible study is important.  

Kind, loves cats.  

Even-tempered/level headed.  

Mentally stable.  

Sober living - not in recovery but never used to begin with.  I know he's out there.  

Looks don't matter I don't care if he is disabled but needs to be healthy (decent weight for height) and low risk lifestyle (no smoking, carb addiction, motorcycles).  

Responsible including with money, low debt.  Hardworking not too proud to take a grunt job if needed.  

Don't Want:

No addictions including gambling.  Also covers food addiction, extreme obesity, and hoarding.  

No man bun or ponytail.  Would prefer short hair but not a deal killer.  Ron's hair was about 8 inches long per medical examiner and I was happy with that.  Bald spot not a deal killer either I liked to kiss Ron's.  

No hustling, get rich quick schemes.  Can't stand that.   

Healthy coping mechanisms, can verbalize thoughts/feelings in a healthy way, no screaming or verbal abuse.  No tantrums or pouting.  

Not at work things can get very ugly fast.  

Driving is not a deal breaker if he is disabled and cannot I would work with that.  But a safe driver with vehicle clean/in good repair.  

No body modifications.  Can live with some tattoos but no stretched out earlobes or piercings.  Our body is a temple and should be treated with respect.  

Cares about stuff like love language and spending quality time with me.  

That's pretty much it.  NOT looking for another four and a half years, though.  I need to be comfortable by myself before I can look for someone else.  

Sunday night

 22's are way too baggy in the butt now.  That's another pair of jeans retired I think I am down to 2 pair now.  BUT going to the thrift shop tomorrow.  If I can't find anything there I can go to Walmart.  I mean I need to go get groceries there anyway but I can run by the clothing section and get another pair of the no boundaries junior jeans in 21.  They fit well.  

Work was pretty uneventful and can certainly leave it behind.  That's the nice thing about being a worker bee and not the queen.  I don't want to be the queen!  I am happy being a drone (and drones don't have a sex life which I don't/won't for at least 5 years, if ever).  I need to get used to living on my own before/if I add someone to my life.  

I am tired so going to bed early.  

 

Sunday morning

 I slept alright, got a good 8 hours just woke up a few times.  No headache so that's a win.  Got my antidepressants on board.  

I came to a conclusion that it was better for me to take my low-limit credit card to work and use that to buy snacks and incidentals.  So I will do that again today.  It will help my credit and help me track the spending.  

I decided I would pay for a ride home if at all possible, as well.   All ready to go.  It should be OK today.  I just wonder if my coworkers are going to give me a hard time about calling in because I know it made more work for at least one of them.  

But I look wrung out.  I am also wearing an orange t shirt which is an Astros color, that makes me look ill anyway.  I don't look good in orange although I love the color.  But I will be OK.  

Some days work just feels overwhelming even though it really isn't.  

Saturday

 I went back to bed for a while.  I still feel bad enough I'm glad I called in but a little better than I did earlier.  

I am in my baggy elastic waist knit shorts and an oversized t shirt.  I should be OK by the end of the day based on my symptom progression.  

But work would have been impossible.  I try not to say things Walmart wouldn't want me to, but it is safe to say you get a lot of kids screaming in the store and that would be hell.  Nurse Biscuit has been very attentive.   

Baby Girl said I would feel better if I gave her some treats, and she was right.  Large amounts of Mountain Dew are helping.  The mate (tea), though, proved to be the game changer.  

Headache: Gone after that.  Good thing I have a decent amount.  I will have to try that first thing next time.  

I'm not doing the milk candy anymore, either.  That is 2x I ate milk candy and had a headache but the first time I had a migraine out of it.  

I am doing a load of laundry and then I will take a nap.  That should finalize the migraine.  Ugh.  Rough morning and now I am jittery from the caffeine.  

Had a decent nap but the headache came back, managed to beat it off again.  Hopefully that is it.  I will have to work tomorrow regardless.  

But I am not going to "do" a lot today I am pretty wiped out.  I may take another nap.  

That's it for now.  

First time I called in today

 Work went OK last night even though I did get shouted at a few times by customers.  Came home OK with Jack.  Talked to Mom and went to bed.  

Woke up 3 AM with a brutal migraine.  Took some Excedrin, went back to bed.  Nothing.  Got up, ate a lemon pie (even though not hungry!).  A little better but not much.  Could I spent 4 hours on the bus total today?  And then 4 hours at a busy Walmart?  I figured, no.  

So I called in.  Don't regret it the store will manage without me.  I gave them plenty of notice so they know I am out.  I will be able to work tomorrow.  It is the first call out in 6 months.  That's not a bad record.  

While I had the app open I checked my schedule.  I write that down in a notebook.  Got online for a little bit, now I am going back to bed.  

Friday morning

 Work went fine last night but I had to set a boundary with a co worker who was taking advantage.  I have no problem helping you out if you are putting in a fair day's work and busy enough to need the help.  I have done this with other coworkers.  I refused to help one because she has a bad habit of dumping the work on me, saying "Heather you fix" and walking off.  This time I was very busy, she could see that, and she stood in front of me chatting with another co worker as I ran around putting out fires.  And I said to myself "Not today" and put the stuff back in her cart.  When she noticed she complained and I said I was busy.  That was all I said.  

I also saw her taking a long "extra" break right after clocking in, and another co worker said she took a very long lunch as well.  That's going to catch up with her, management does not like that at all and she will be disciplined, I don't need to tattle and I won't.  But it just shows her work ethic.  She is not there to work, unlike the other people I actually do help.  

As a former employer that grates.  I would be furious if she were my employee, but she isn't and like I said her bad acts will catch up.  

If management asks I will tell them but I won't tattle, no one likes that.  Full time Walmart at $13+ an hour is some serious money, I don't see why someone would play with that.  

So other than that it went fine.  I didn't get enough sleep last night but it was a good quality of sleep.  Weight is still down.  My phone did an update this morning but did not log me out of the app.  I had some chai mate this morning for my caffeine.  It was good.  I feel OK.  I took my antidepressant with it so I will be functional today.  

Now it's time for a shower.  Done, even cleaned the bathroom to some extent.  The shower was pretty grim.  

 Ready for work.  Fairly depressed it is not work just being alone.  I have God; I miss Ron still.  I had a fan going most of the summer so I had background noise (I ran it because it keeps the electric bill down).  Anyway I turned it off and the house is so quiet.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the house is quiet I don't have neighbor issues.  But I don't have Ron, either.  He did a lot of snoring and I miss hearing that.  

It's a process and it's going to take a while.  

Thursday morning

 I fell asleep OK but woke up around 2 with a headache.  I had gotten a "small spaces" Febreeze unit and had activated it last night, I think it provoked the headache.  I got up, had a little bit of cold soda, put the offender in Ron's room, and went back to bed.  I fell asleep again OK and got up at 7.  

I still had a little bit of headache so I had some coffee (I still have it set to brew itself every morning), some aspirin, and a generic breakfast bar.  The cats got fed first of course.  

I was surprised how much everyone (including Facebook) liked the photo.  But I'm glad they did.  Ron once told me - he always knew he would die first - he did not want me to do the dressed in black "widow" thing.  He wanted me to wear bright colors and be happy when I got over losing him.  He wanted me to remarry if possible.  He didn't want me to give up on love or joy.  He was very clear on that several times over the years.  

I also think some of it is like my old pastor in CA.  His wife had cancer for several years, a very slow decline into death.  6 months after her death he met someone else and he ended up marrying her about a year after that.  He had done most of his grief while his wife was still alive, and I think to some degree that is me.  I will say he was vilified by about half the church for that and actually thrown out.  I didn't know you could throw out a pastor but they sure did, like a piece of trash.  And his new wife was such a sweet lady.  

Do I think I am going to remarry any time soon?  No, there isn't even a man.  There are some guys I know who are single and believers.  One I would not date ever he is judgmental I don't need that in my life.  If I get a relationship I want it to be a healthy balance.  Not another toxic one (sorry, Ron).  One guy is divorced which I wouldn't want to deal with, and the last one and I have differing theology and that is also a deal killer.  

I'm just a picky one.  I think one of the "girls" (older than me) at work has set herself out to be a matchmaker for me.  She said she is going to find me a rich man.  I said I didn't care about that, I just want a guy who loves God, and cats.  If God wants me to remarry it will happen.  

I am getting used to "owning" the house it is all my space now, I can do what I want when I want without worries about disturbing Ron.  For instance, I do up my pills every 3 weeks.  I take some gel caps that are Vitamin E, Co enzyme Q10, etc.  Sometimes I forget to put them in the fridge and they stick together.  So I have to bang the bottle on the side of the table to shake them loose.  It makes a lot of noise.  Ron slept a lot; I didn't want to wake him up.  Doesn't matter now.  Or the infamous "fluffy garbage" issue.  Ron used to complain the garbage was "fluffy" and would squish it down repeatedly.  My thing, take it out when it's full there is probably something that will stink in there.  Not Ron.  He wanted to mush it down several times over the course of days and then take it out.  

Yes, he used to take out the trash, including the big cans, to the street.  So I just buy more bags and take it out more frequently.  

I remind myself constantly how miserable his life had become at the end when I feel sorry for myself and want him back.  He is in glory now, he does not want to come back.  He is happier than he has ever been.  

I am going to go take a shower with my new soap.  This is Grapefruit Guava.  It will be interesting to see how I like it.  I love grapefruit scents so I am hopeful.  I will update when I'm done.  

It had a very light fragrance, moderate lathering.  I don't feel ripped off but I won't be buying it again.  It's a shame I love grapefruit.  I am glad I got the shower over with; now I just need to get to work later.  That always takes a while especially now that I ride up to the traffic light and cross there.  

That's it for now.  

 

Wednesday

I didn't sleep well last night but doing better today.  I was alright when I woke up but moderately depressed.  

Cats are good, though, and it is a nice day.  I haven't got my shower yet I need to get on that.  I am too hard on myself; that's not a good thing.  I will be OK eventually.  

Some good news: I lost another pound.  That makes it official, 34 pounds lost in the last year.  Nice, I will have to make sure I keep it going.  I had one of those "piggy" pastries this morning from the Mexican bakery.  

It was kind of funny at the bakery, the manager was adamant we could ONLY speak Spanish.  But we got our pastries (she got a concha).  

My mood is just awful, I think I will try to take a nap.   Better yet, a snack, a handful of medication (as directed) and then a nap.  

Nap helped some.  I finished my cell phone lanyard.   

Let me see if I can get yesterday's photo up.  

I talked to (not in order) my sister, my aunt, and my parents.  So that helped.  

It's just been a hard day.  

Tuesday afternoon

 My aunt came and got me.  

Went to Gas station for sodas.  Went to Sam's (that's what I forgot in the video), ate lunch and then Walmart and my bank.  As Ron used to say at treat time "That's all!"  

Tuesday morning

 I slept pretty well about 9 hours.  

Got up, no headache.  Fed the cats.  Weighed, down to 211.  Nice to see a steady downward trend.  

The coffee thing, instead of diet soda, is working out.  I do 2 T leaded coffee and the rest as decaf, when I brew it.  I use a nice dark roast I like a dark coffee.  I put creamer in it, but the roast is dark.  

Cats are good they are adorable.  I may feed them again tonight so I can sleep in tomorrow without guilt.   

Got my shower, shaved my legs.  I plan to try on the new dress today maybe.  I will definitely be wearing a cute outfit so I will get up a picture later.  

My hair is dripping I hope my aunt doesn't come for a little bit.  I have a dryer but I don't use it, it fries my hair.  And I don't know how to do all that hair makeup nails I am clueless on all that.  Half the time I was battling a suicidal depression and no motivation to primp.  Nothing wrong with that, it's just awkward for me.  

My great aunt did my makeup the day of my wedding.  I think I looked good.  She had a lot of practice.  But I am more of a sporty style type I am happy in a t shirt and jeans.  Which, HAPPILY, is the exact dress code for work a lot to say about that, all good.  

Dress isn't dry yet, or my jeans, so I turned it back another 30 minutes.  My dryer is great but a little slow.  The installer said something with the hookup it would just take longer, sorry, that is OK.  It does dry my clothes.  

At some point I need to clean my dryer vent.  I was thinking, if I am correct now that I have filed 2020 tax return I may be getting a stimulus payment.  If I do I can use some of it for exciting things like a new pair of glasses (fine print is getting a little fine for me), clean the dryer vent, a small benefit for me (not sure what) and then the rest in savings.  

Mood is good "just right".  I took everything as directed, always do.  I do need to clean out my bag today and wash my vest.  

It should be an interesting day.  That's it for now.  

Monday night

 Praise God I am done for a few days.   

Work was fine but I have to tell you the story about the dress.  Walmart has had some cute denim dresses, one is fitted, knee length, black denim with red and yellow roses on it.  I tried it on but it didn't work with my bra, about a month ago.  But it fit great.  

I kept seeing it, in my size even (21).  I kept thinking "That's really cute... but..." and passing it up.  It went on clearance and got down to $7.  They all vanished and I thought that was the end of that.  BUT it came back today in a basket of returns, new with tags (probably tried on and rejected) so I bought it.  It is in the wash right now.  

Of course now I need a new bra...

But I'm glad I did get it.  I had second, third, and fourth thoughts about passing it up.  

Tomorrow I spend time with my aunt.  We are going to early vote I think that is important particularly prop 6.  link  Can you imagine if I had to place Ron in a facility because his brain was rotting?  And I couldn't visit?  He would be so scared and confused.  

We will also run the usual errands as well.  I am waiting to finish the clothes before I go to bed though.  

I had a good little nap with Biscuit when I got home, and had a TV dinner.  Chicken strips with corn and mac, I put a little bbq sauce on the strips before cooking to perk them up.  Not bad after a long day at work.  I just didn't want something complex.  

I am not very hungry now which is good.  I am thirsty so I need to figure out drink before I go to bed.  

But that's it for now.  I will put up a photo of me in the dress when I can.  

Sunday and a little bit of Monday

 My trusty old hoodie was way too baggy on me.  You could have fit a basketball in it.  As a result, I had a very unpleasant draft at the bus stop BUT the bus drivers (first three) cranked the heater and they have some good heaters.  I bought a new hoodie, one that fits, and have it in the wash right now.  I will hang onto the old one I can use it to balance the washer every time I wash the new hoodie.  

Work was fine.    

[Next day]  I slept OK and ready to go for today, and then 2 days off.  I will be leaving early enough I will need my reflective vest but I always carry that in my bag.  My jeans pockets are getting progressively smaller with every new pair so I am going to make a lanyard cell phone holder the next day or two, I do need to get some supplies for it before work today.  

I didn't drink diet soda, I had coffee on a timer.  I only had 2 T regular coffee in with the decaf when I did the grounds and it tasted fine and woke me up.  I think I will just do this from now on because it is a big hassle fetching the soda, bringing it home, etc.  I can easily bring a can of coffee home on the bus if it came to it.  And the store always has coffee.  

The cats are good.  They have taken over the wooden loveseat (wood frame with cushions) so I had to use the other couch which I find less comfortable.  The heater is running and the house is nice and warm.  I got the heater I used to use in Ron's room and I think it is broken, it kept going on and off repeatedly within a second or two.  On for a second, off for a while, on for a second... it was doing that last year.  I will at least put it back in the garage and get the other heater.  I like to use that in the bathroom because freshly showered it gets chilly!  Then I can unplug it until the next day.  

I was really happy my coffee pot timer worked so well.  It is very similar to my lamp timer.  You set the time and tell it when you want it on/off and it does it.  Although I forgot about the lamp timer and it came on last night after I went to bed.  Not fun.  

But if that's the worst problem I am doing well.  I have to get ready to go, that's it for now.  

Sunday morning

 I needed every minute of sleep I got, about 9 hours.  I woke up cold with a headache.  

I turned the system to HEAT and turned up the thermostat, it is nice and toasty now.  I also took a very hot shower which thawed me out.  Reminds me I do need to pay the gas bill.  I think I will pay it tomorrow.  I can pay it after work before I get my ride home.  

I am just the type to pay the bill the minute it comes in and I didn't this time.  It is due on Thursday.  My aunt is helping me Tuesday so I will get it.  

Period is about done that is good.  It is always a hassle working retail with a functional uterus.  That's all I'll say and one reason I was annoyed at my "replacement" yesterday, if I weren't so paranoid about protection (putting an overnight super pad with a ultra tampon) I could have had a major issue yesterday.  Am I upset?  No, just mildly annoyed.  She is old enough she should know this.  And I am young enough I presumably still have this issue.  But I am glad I was not the one to say anything, rather, the boss did.  

Not going to write about work until I am done with it, though.  I am just happy I am about done on the cycle.  I got my laundry finished and my clothes hung up.  I hang up pretty much everything, t shirts, jeans, etc.  I even save the hangers the leggings come on and hang them up again the way they were at the store.  It looks very tidy.  

I can only do so many things when I see my aunt, I have to pick and choose.  While I WOULD like to go to the thrift shop and try on clothes I don't think we will have time for it, and my 20's, 21's, and 22's are still fitting OK so not an urgency there.  Maybe in a few weeks.  I do like going to try on clothes.  

I do plan to go to the Sam's and get the Snickers for handout this year, I am only getting one box though.  That is 50.  I work until 3 on Halloween so I will be able to catch a cab home and hand out candy to the kids.  Half of them are young adults with no costume but I am handing out a Scripture booklet as well so everyone is served.  I also save extra plastic bags because many kids do not have a bag.  

Then I need to get groceries and go to the bank.  Lunch and then I think that is a day.  

I was happy to realize I am halfway to my weight loss goal.  I started at 244 a year ago.  I am down to 212.  Goal is 170, I was happy with how I looked at that weight.  I had curves but not a lot of flab.  I felt healthy.  I got 100K life insurance for $8 a month.  With a family history of heart disease.  So I feel good about that number.  

It will be interesting to see what size that will be.  I am about 20 pounds a size.  Say I am a 21 now (I have some 22's and some 20's and both fit well).  19 would be about 195.  17 would be about 175.  So probably a 16/18 and a 17 at goal.  

I am glad I am getting healthier.  I don't want someone to find me dead for a long while.  And it is just awful to find someone dead.  You know Ron was the first dead body I ever saw?  And it was weird you would think I wanted to hold his hand and kiss him, spend time with the body but I couldn't wait to get away from him after they declared him dead.  1:59 by the way.  That's when they "called" it.  

I wonder what the medical examiner thought of my letter.  I hope he does read the booklet.  

I need to get dressed and do up the candy for today, go through my bag and trim any fat.  It is pretty heavy and I can't figure out why.  I know I have water bottle, but I need that... what else?  My little bag of snacks?  The mints I carry in my vest?  The vest?  Who knows.  

That's it for now.  

Saturday evening

 Sometimes I feel like getting to work is a job in itself.  I only got 4 hour's sleep last night, I kept falling asleep on the bus.  I resolved to take a cab home as I didn't want to fall asleep on my ride home and end up downtown.  Got to work.  

I bought a jar of whey protein isolate and had enough cash left to buy the pair of leggings ($4) I had been eyeing.  They are really cute a black, hot pink, and white plaid.  I will have my aunt take a photo when I see her.  

My former boss (unclear if still my boss or just "a" boss now) asked me some questions about my shift today.  I started, stayed busy.  A regional manager was coming by to do an inspection so the team leads (middle managers) were all frantic.  

I worked 3 hours straight.  Someone else comes in at 2 and supposed to give me a break, she said "Oh I forgot something" and ran off to the back for 10 minutes.  This is where I remind you I'm on my period and had not peed in 3 hours.  My immediate supervisor (one of them) came by and asked where she was, I said I didn't know and repeated what the other girl had said.  My boss was so disgusted she told me to go, she would cover my position until X got back.  

When I got to the back X wasn't anywhere near where she said she'd be, saw me, scowled, "What are you doing back here?" but ran off pretty quick when I told her "Supervisor told me to take my break and is waiting for you".  

Every time that supervisor came by I was working hard.  And it is that way every time.  So I think she respects that.  One thing I do hear the managers discuss freely it is hard to find an employee who comes in and does her job without running off, slacking, gossiping with friends, etc.  The managers resent having to chase down wayward employees and scold them.  

I am getting paid to work, so I do that.  I am quite happy being a lowly Associate (bottom of the food chain) because I could walk out of there at 3 and immediately forget about my job.  They have been loaning me out to another department so who knows what will happen there.  If they tell me to go do something I do it.  

So that was work.  Then I went home, did some chores (I couldn't take out the trash at 7 AM on a weekend, that is too early for neighbors sleeping late).  I took a nap with Biscuit.  I got up, ate, took my pills.  I washed my new leggings and the jeans I had been wearing to work.  I hung up the leggings (don't take long to dry) and the jeans are still in the dryer.  I have to hang all that up when it's done and then I am finished with housework for the night.  

My jeans are starting to get baggy in the butt.  I will be curious to see if the next pair are also baggy or just the one.  Work has plenty of jeans if I need to size down.  But I think what I've got should be good for another month at least.  

I do know I will be looking at pockets when I buy my next pair because I carry a lot in my pockets, especially during my period.  I like a dark wash, no hole, straight leg to flare (no skinny cut) with decent pockets.  I also have a short inseam so that is a factor.  But I think I will find it easier to find clothes as I lose weight.  

I am tired I think I will go to bed REALLY early.  

Saturday morning

 Oh I am tired Saturday mornings are pretty brutal for me.  Jack's wife gave me a ride home from work last night, she is really nice and I like her a lot.  When I ride with Jack I put the money in the cup holder so I did that with her.  I got home around 10:20 and went to bed a little before midnight, got up at 4.  God willing it's going to be a short day.  I am drinking some diet soda.  

I'll call Jack's wife, Jill.  Anyway she was telling me she had problems coming out of the subdivision onto the main street to come get me.  Even cars have trouble getting across that street (no light or crosswalk).  That kind of clinches why I leave a half hour early, catch the bus to the light and cross there.  

The cold front came in last night, I could feel the breeze last night as I checked the mail.  I got my school tax bill it is $249.  But my aunt says my tax refund for last year (we filed an extension and her accountant son filed for me) is $504.  But I do put money aside specifically for taxes and insurance so it would have been covered.  I think I will use a little of the tax refund for something fun, I don't know what.  Maybe a 5 pound tub of protein powder or something I go through a fair amount of that.  

I plan to get some whey isolate at work today and experiment and see how that works for me on my day off.  I have issues with regular whey but the isolate should be OK.  Sitting here exhausted in my chair I am really tempted to get a ride home vs. ride 2 hours on the bus after work.  I will have to think about it.  I have been trying to be cheap this pay period.  But I have to say it is pretty tiring to work on the weekend.  

I will see.  I am sure my cab driver friend could use the money.  It's an easy ride for him now he doesn't have to put up the wheelchair anymore.  Ugh I am really really tempted to get him home.  

I probably will.  I got my schedule for Halloween that will work, I only work until 3.  I will definitely get a ride home that day so I can do candy.  That is one of the busiest nights of the year for me.  Is the busiest.  

Anyway I'm going to go get ready.  That's it for now.  

Friday morning

 Ugh... as I get older it is time for the menstrual headache every month.  Woke up with it in the middle of the night.  But I should be done in a day or two anyway.  Not much fun.  I did notice a lot of my favorite brands were out in the feminine care aisle.  I am glad I always have a little at home.  I would hate trying to manage this with a fistful of "light" tampons.  

The old "Pair a pad and a tampon" together trick seems to work pretty well for me.  The nice thing about the vending business I could go to the bathroom whenever I wanted.  It is trickier working retail.  

But like I said I should be done in a day or two.  I never get my cycle on my day off.  😂  I'm always trying to manage at night in a dubious restroom at work.  My standard for "acceptable" bathroom has gone way down.  It's not the custodian's fault, it's just hard to keep up with thousands of people coming through the store every day.  Most of the users have manners, some do not.  Nothing annoys me more than someone who comes in with their kid and says "Don't touch anything it's all dirty" goes into a FINE enclosure with a good condition toilet, you hear them telling the kid to squat, not to touch the seat, they spray urine all over the seat, reminds the kid not to touch anything "See it is dirty" well it is NOW.  It was fine before YOU came.  But I never say anything I just feel sorry for the custodian who is on the hook to clean it.  But I suppose it is job security, I doubt they EVER cut their hours.  

I had problems with the app last night at work, it logged me out right before my lunch, I went to personnel.  The personnel computer wouldn't recognize my user name or password, on two computers, and it is the exact one I have been using since I was hired.  So I gave up on that.  During my lunch I managed to log into the app again but it was glitchy.  I was able to clock out later though.  This morning it seems to be OK.  

The cats are good.  I ate my lemon pie so the fix is in.  My antidepressant can aggravate headaches so I am going to hold off on that for today.  I need to be functional for work.  I am not "very" depressed, I am, some, but at a functional level and that's good enough.  

I need to take my shower, I'm going to go do that.  That's it for now.  

Thursday night

 My life, I don't know what to say.  It was raining this morning when I left, a pocket full of tampons and a #5 pad on board.  

I left about 5 minutes earlier and caught the early, early, EARLY bus, made a connection to the next bus, and one after that, landing me at Walmart's doorstep 2 hours before my shift.  I hung out in the breakroom.  

I had problems with the app later but was able to log back in so I could punch out.  

The oddest part of my day was when, unprompted, one of my female associates pulled up her top exposing her bra so she should show it off.  On the sales floor, in full view of anyone.  You can't make that stuff up.  She doesn't have a limitation if you get my drift.  It was just her.  

I did not repay her by showing off my bra, I just said I like Fruit of the Loom and left it at that.  I left on time and came home.  

Oh, I forgot to tell you.  So, when I applied for my first credit card Ron and I were making a combined total of about $3K a month.  I put that down for my income.  They kept offering me a new card because I keep up with the payments, keep a low balance, use it wisely.  I also suspect my bank is tattling I have a savings account.  But I'm not making 3K.  Would be nice...

So I talked it over with a family member, I think my Dad, who is incredibly wise with his money.  I said, I don't want to lie on the application, but if I'm honest about my income I will never get a card.  He said do it anyway, be honest, they want to give me a card.  And they did.  

Let me clarify I have exactly zero credit card debt, but a bigger limit would be nice if I have to take a cat to the vet.  So that is nice.  

That's it for now, I need to go to bed.  

Thursday

 I slept better last night and started my cycle, which is always fun around work.  But I have supplies.  

I did about half of what I wanted re: faith walk I can do the rest tonight.  I tend to chatter at God in my head, anyway, so it's not like I'm neglecting Him.  I am just less formal.  

Torbie was interested in treats this morning which I found encouraging.  I talked to Jack so I have a ride home.  It was raining this morning, still may be, and he picked up on the first ring hoping I wanted a ride TO work.  I can't swing that with my budget and the rain isn't bad.  I found a sturdy yellow poncho which is great, in the garage, so I cleaned it up and will do that today.  My trip shouldn't be notable.  I did leave the stun gun at home I don't want it to short out if it gets wet.  

I put the plug in jack o lanterns in the front window so the kids know I have something planned this year.  

I will do another post when I get home.  

Wednesday

 I slept HORRIBLY but woke to find I had, indeed, gotten paid at $13 an hour for my last pay period.  That was a nice sum.  Of course once I ran the numbers it went down a lot but it was a nice start.  I got ready, left, caught the one bus, caught the two others, got to work early.  

Work itself was fine, I stayed busy.  I left on time.  Trudged across the parking lot (feet a little tired by now) and waited on my fourth bus of the day.  Caught it, just missed the last bus.  Curses.  But the wait wasn't too long and then off the bus, walking home.  

One guy was walking two odd looking pit bull mixes (they had the head and body, but odd coloration), I made sure to avoid them.  I am certain I reek of cats.  Spotty spent enough time loving on me this morning to ensure that.  

But I have to say I think the new lint guard/pet hair prevention dryer sheets are doing the job, it was very easy to get the cat hair off my shirt.  I didn't realize he had also got my ankles until later at work, I had some nice orange cat hair!  

I am done with jeggings.  I liked the concept.  I like jeans.  On occasion, I like leggings.  But they are snug at the legs, loose in the midsection, and then snug again at the waist.  Not much fun getting them back on after I used the toilet, either.  I would rather just wear a pair of regular jeans.  I have them in the wash and then they are going into storage.  

It was a nice concept, though.  And the price wasn't bad with my discount.  But we have some $9.88 Juniors sized stuff that fits well, and as I lose weight I can cruise through those without bankrupting myself.  I mean, think about it.  I have to work an hour to earn that $13 and then some of it goes to taxes.  So it's more like $12 from what I calculated.  That's a lot of work for a pair of jeans they had better be comfortable, good looking, and long lasting.  

I am developing hives I need to go deal with this.  

 I had some itch cream but no benadryl.  I need to get some tomorrow.  I may just take another allergy pill.  Nope I checked my pill box I have Claratins for every day so I already took one.  I think I'm going to try to take a little nap.   

I ate a big handful of chewable C and I think that did the trick.  Talked to my parents, texted with my aunt.  I am tired and ready to go to bed.  

Tuesday Afternoon

 I was just thinking about something I read years ago.  Taxis in Houston are equipped with a computer and the dispatcher can send them messages.  One message came through while I happened to be riding and I was in a position I could read it.  A woman had taken a cab to a club.  While in the cab she had taken off her wedding and engagement rings and left them in the cab.  She didn't realize it until days later and was blowing up the phone at the cab company trying to get them back.  Good luck with that...I wonder what she told her husband about how she lost them.  

Even if I had the budget I would continue to wear inexpensive jewelry.  $12 makes the statement "taken" just as well as a $5,000 platinum band.  

I had a pretty good nap.  Not looking forward to work tomorrow; I don't hate it, it is just natural laziness.  I also need to figure out what I need to do tonight so I can get ready tomorrow.  

Mood has been better the last couple days, not as depressed.  Depressed but not as bad.  I will get through.  Huh.  By the time I get through the whole grief thing God will Rapture us and it won't matter because I will be reunited.  

Now the Bible says there is no marriage in Heaven aside from believers being "wed" to Jesus.  I will be with Ron but not "with" him.  And that is fine.  He will - IS in his glorified body.  I will be too.  No more depression that's a big yay.  I have no doubt he is rejoicing every second he is there.  He spoke with such longing for Heaven and how wonderful he found it, how the joy and peace were "beyond words".  And spoke with such sorrow of having to come back... I know he is overjoyed he gets to stay forever.  

I MISS HIM EVERY DAY but I wouldn't bring him back to what he was.  He was in hell.  I am amazed he hung on 18 years; and that's how I choose to look at it, he should have died in 2003; he didn't, I got another 18 years.  I view that as a gift to me, if not him.  He just wanted to go back to Heaven, which he did.  

It is good to know it is natural and they didn't find anything in his blood to indicate self harm.  Or any fingers pointing at me, like bedsores or signs of neglect.  Instead I had a detailed journal, Ron was in "good condition" per the medical examiner...it was just God calling him home.  

He was ready to go; I remember that.  God has taken care of me so I can't bitch about that.  I won't lie I would like that disability check but He has taken care of me.  I won't whine or be greedy.  God doesn't want that.  

So tonight I need to do up some candy for the week (ideally the whole 6 days I work and some for shopping with my aunt).  I need to load my jeans; that may sound a little odd but I carry a lot in my pockets.  I have all that on the table.  I need to figure out if I want to wear my support socks tomorrow.  I am leaning that way even though they are hard to don.  I did all the laundry including my nice sheets and my new waterproof mattress pad.  The latter won't be dry tonight but I will put it on tomorrow.  

When to get up tomorrow?  I will figure that out.  OK done.  I think I will also make a couple peanut butter and honey sandwiches and bring them just in case.  I get paid tomorrow but that doesn't mean I need to blow it all day one.  

I will likely do 2 things in addition to my usual bill paying: put $20 on my bus card and put $20 on my McDonald's gift card.  I could probably stand to rummage through my bag and see if I can take something out.  I try to plan for contingencies like riding the bus home at night (reflective vest), water bottle, etc.  

I will get it all.  I have been neglecting my time with God in the morning (not completely but enough) so I will turn off the computer in the morning after I check to verify my money is there.  The cats are all good, plump and cute.  

I certainly plan to go to bed early.  That's it for now.  

Tuesday

 I slept OK last night and it is turning out to be a nice and sunny day.  I am having some trouble logging back into my work app but other than that a good day.  

VERY pleased I did the full God Time thing again today.  I don't want to talk too much about it because then where's the humility?  God knows what I do.  I will say I do prayer and Bible study.  That's enough.  I am watching my fireman TV show today.  I got a good shower and even shaved my legs.  I don't have to do them daily because I wear long jeans for work and they were reminding me of when I started cacti from seed, the bristles.  I would love to grow some cacti again but worry my hand tremor would make that difficult.   

But I think about it.  It would be fun.  I did it about 30 years ago it was a lot of fun.  I even had the Ortho book of cacti and succulents it was a huge encyclopedia how to grow.  Here it is, a great book:  Ortho book of Cacti and Succulents

I may look into getting a seed packet, I can keep it in the fridge.  

I tried the app again, did everything I did earlier, prayed a lot, God got it going.  Thank Him I would hate to work without it (logging in and out at personnel computer vs. cell phone, also check schedule and such).  But He got me the way he always does.  In an ideal world I would be in therapy and get biofeedback or something to help retrain my hands not to tremor when I'm stressed.  This is all a lot worse since Ron died.  I don't cry, I shake.  We all grieve differently.  

At least I am sleeping OK now.  I worried about that.  Torbie is good, I got depressed over her yesterday she just looked so thin and feeble, but today she is chasing ice cubes around the kitchen, walking on my keyboard, etc.  

Some days Biscuit will lay on the towel outside the shower enclosure, I put it on the floor so I don't slip on the tile.  Embarrassed to admit I fell a lot on wet tile the first month we had the house.  I am OK now as long as I know it is wet.  

Growing up in the north I learned to walk on the ice pretty early, it is very similar.  I can see why orthopedic surgeons do so well up there, I fell on a regular basis as a child.  Of course kids' bones are made of rubber so I was fine.  I am VERY glad my Dad and adoptive Mom live where it is warm, my aunt and uncle as well.  I would not want to worry about them on ice.  

In an ideal world I would prep a bag of old style cat litter to sprinkle on ice should we have another weather event.  But if it was that bad the store would likely close.  

But I don't want to think about work today.  It is a nice and sunny day.  The cats are good.  My family is all OK.  God got me back on the app.  

That was funny though, so a couple days ago at work I pull my phone out of my pocket and it says all my log in attempts (for the app) have failed; I have to log in again and set up a new pin.  

I had used my standard pin when I set it up.  So I would have to do a new one.  I figured 4 of the same number would be easy.  But first I had to log in; and that took a few attempts and a lot of stress.  So I got in and it wants my new pin.  

OK I think I did 6666.  "Sorry cannot do same number".  Well, crap.  I wanted something easy and it couldn't be the same pin, I knew that.  So I did 1234.  "Can't be sequential numbers"  AGH!  I figured something out.  You have to reenter it now.  So I did that again.  Hands are all over the place....come on Lord hold me...got it in and then bam home screen.  You are not scheduled for the day.  PRAISE GOD.  I kid you not, the app is the worst part of my job.  Well me trying to log into it with my hands freaking out...it's comical at best.  

But enough about that.  I still don't know what I will do for my big meal today.  I have a couple of options.  I do plan to take a nap.  

That's it for now.  

Monday morning

 Mood is OK and it is my day off.  I think this is a first.  I went to bed early last night and slept late, until around 8:30.  At one point I woke with a headache but went back to sleep, when I woke up again it was gone.  

If you would like to pray for me, no headaches is a good start, good general mental and physical health, financial working out OK, healthy happy cats.  

I didn't eat until after I did my God time, when I do it right it takes a while.  I made a shake with vanilla soy milk, hemp protein powder (unflavored), a couple of ice cubes and some vanilla yogurt.  It is pretty good.  I will have the collagen at night before I go to bed.  I have good things to eat in the freezer I just need to figure out am I doing the steak patty dinner with mac and cheese, the lasagna, or something else.  But I have choices, I was able to think ahead and have stock on hand.  

I have had some odd dinners this year just a bunch of sliced turkey or whatever.  So I am proud of myself for having good food.  

The cats are good, Baby Girl got up with me during my God Time and we had a good time.  I think it is important to spend at least one day a week with the cats.  They were used to having Ron 24/7 and I work a lot, well gone a lot for work (transit time is a lot).  She enjoyed laying next to me, I did too, my love language is quality time and that is exactly what we were both getting.  

It rained last night so I didn't need to water my plants.  The catnip got a little squashed some cat found it.  But that was the point.  I have been warned it, and the mint, will want to take over the garden bed.  I am OK with that and honestly I think the cats will keep the catnip in line.  The only other thing in the bed is a massive jasmine plant growing up the side of my house.  I planted a little one gallon plant back in 2009 after Frosty died, it is almost all the way up to my roof.  So they can figure it all out.  I like the idea of scented plants at the front door, Ron was always afraid to do that and called them "Bee Food".  You can imagine a blind person didn't like flying, stinging, insects.  

But I can do it how I want now.  I am not going to go crazy gardening but I may put out a few pots of greens near the front door so I can just trim some for dinner/shakes.  That might be nice.  But I have plenty of time to think about it.  

I washed the sheets.  A little back story on them, when asked I told my parents I could use a new set of sheets for the bed.  I forgot all about it and they gave me a set for my birthday.  They are really nice.  But my cycle is due so I took the good sheets off the bed, washed them, and put the cheap poly blend sheets on the bed.  I would hate to bleed all over my nice sheets.  Once I finish that I will be done with chores for the day.  

I am also looking at soap online. I am very picky about soap.  I want a nice hard bar with a good lather.  I will do a stock up run online and then get them sometime next week.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday

 Water retention!  I will be so glad when I drop it.  Normally I don't get the water retention and bloating anymore but menopause is interesting to say the least.  It will be interesting to see what this does to my scale weight when I drop it.  

Cycle due sometime this week and based on the water retention I think that will happen.  I am drinking dandelion root tea sometimes that helps.  

Slept OK last night, got up and got ready for work.  Went to work, uneventful ride.  I got there pretty early but I'm OK with that I really detest being late.  Ron was never punctual unless it was a dire emergency.  Hopefully the next guy, if there is one, will share my view and we will get everywhere 20 minutes early.  😂

But for now I am married to Jesus.  I really want a relationship BUT I think it would be the absolute worst thing I could do.  I need to get to know myself and work on my relationship with the Lord first.  If we are still around (no rapture) then I can think about dating.  But no rush.  

God has had my back in everything I am sure He is working on the right man if He wants me to remarry.  And I liked being married, caring for Ron (most of it), shopping together just spending time.  I would love to do Bible Study with him and pray together, didn't have that really with Ron.  His #1 focus was not pleasing God, as I am striving in my life.  If there's another guy pleasing God is going to be job #1 with him.  

Enough about that; I really need to work on being content where I am.  I sat in the chair out front when I called my parents after work and Torbie got in my lap.  She found it very exciting to be in my lap and look around.  That was cute.  There was a squirrel, for instance, and someone walking a little dog.  Very exciting for the old lady.  I am glad she is so happy and vibrant.  

I really don't want to lose a cat this year.  

Work was fine.  One of the bosses found me working without being told and was quite happy to see it.  I didn't even know she was there until she spoke (behind me).  Good.  I believe in giving the store their money's worth.  I can be left alone as long as I know what you'd like, I have a good grip on that now so I go do whatever needs doing.  

After work I called for a cab, went to voicemail.  Called Jack who was across town!  Called the first guy back and he picked up.  He said 25 minutes, so I looked at the freezer department.  I got a lasagna, the kind Ron and I used to share.  I also got a pint of an ice cream that has been proven not to be a migraine trigger.  Then a nice quick ride home.  

I have a couple of conditions for a ride home (paid for by me).:  If I work late, if I work long, or it is my Friday night.  I am blessed to be getting 2 days off in a row since I was hired which is apparently uncommon.  I don't advertise it, but tonight was my Friday night with the next 2 days off.  The rest of the time I take the bus.  

I was happy I got the lasagna even though I am wanting a breakfast biscuit for dinner tonight.  But it is in the freezer now when I want it, and it's enough for a couple of meals.  

When I get home I always change out of my jeans; I emptied my pockets and put mine in the wash.  Then I change into my elastic waist shorts and kept my baggy tshirt.  A lot of t shirts are baggy now since I am losing weight.  I'm OK with that.  But the 3x is getting a little big.  I do have a bigger (to me) chest so I prefer something looser.  I am very comfortable now.  

The cats are all good, they all said Hi in their own way when I got home.  My parents are good.  

I took a nap when I got home but woke with a headache so I took something (excedrin).  I drank all my tea so hopefully that will help pull of excess water bloat.  It is particularly bad in my chest this time.  It's just hormones dying out.  Hopefully I will be in full blown menopause in a few years.  I don't plan to have children even if I remarried.  

I am happy I still have cycles now as it does help with weight loss; even though I didn't have a cycle for about 3-4 months this summer I still lost weight, I would like to keep that up.  At least until I get down to about 170; I'd be happy with that.  I don't know how long that might take though.  

That's it for now.  

Oh I forgot

 When I was a teenager my stepbrother destroyed my baby book and every photo in the house that had me in it.  Really frightening to think the man is a father now.  

Anyway all childhood photos could only come from other sources.  My aunt got all my grandmother's stuff when Grandma died so she has been going through the photos.  

And she found this gem: 

My grandmother lived in the desert and I would visit her once a year.  Sometimes I would go hiking in the desert with another family member, that's who took this.  Note the jean jacket!  I have always loved to wear a jean jacket everywhere I go.  I don't, now, but this makes me nostalgic for one.  

I wouldn't mind waking up with those legs tomorrow, either.  😂

Saturday

 I forget where I left off.  Work has been OK; but like I addressed in a comment there is a negativity in my department, lots of complaining, lots of gossip.  They talk so much trash to me about other people and I just KNOW they are turning back around and talking worse about me to the person they were maligning.  It is a little tiresome but we had this at the Post Office and in the Blind Vendor program so I should not be surprised.  

My job is to figure out how to be a light without being that annoyingly cheerful person everyone wants to slap!  😂  All this as I battle depression.  I am trusting God will lead me; a LOT in my Bible Study lately about being meek, not answering back when wronged, etc.  He will help me figure it out.  

Enough about that.  So, I changed my bus route going both ways.  Going to work I now go one stop the other way to a traffic light and cross, then take two buses to work the way I used to.  Cars on my main road are just more and more reckless and I have major anxiety about setting foot in that street.  Happy with that, but it's new and I will feel better once I build a routine.  

Coming home I don't take the 3 buses one after another and then run across that same street to get home, I cross one busy street at work (traffic light) only, then 2 buses to get home.  I only cross the one street.  I am not 100% confident on any of this yet but I am getting there.  

Also of note, did not tell my parents about this, a very drunk woman at the bus stop, dressed in men's underwear (with the pouch and everything), and wearing little footie socks lunged up to the bus bench at the transit center.  It is a long bench maybe 10 feet?  She had a bottle of orange juice in her hand, she took the cap off and sprinkled it all down the bench.  I would have jumped up but she stopped and staggered off before she got to me.  Metro Bus has a police department, they need to detail an officer to stand at the transit center during operating hours.  That would cut down a lot of these shenanigans.  It was pretty early morning maybe 8?  

Other than that transit has been unremarkable.  Work was fine I am looking forward to that check, assuming my raise went through.  It would be almost $600.  We will see.  That may not be much to you but at the end of the vending business we were lucky to make that in a month of very hard work.  

My weight is pretty steady around 213 but my cycle is due in about a week.  So that is OK.  I am not gaining that's the important part.  Taking all my meds as directed like a good girl.  Mood has been OK considering.  

The cats are good, I opened a few windows when I got home and we are all enjoying the fresh air.  

I made a shake for dinner, soy milk,  yogurt (I can't do cow's milk but I am OK with yogurt), protein powder (hemp), collagen powder, and some instant decaf coffee.  It was pretty good, cleanup was easy, loads of protein.  I need to go to bed pretty quick but wanted to give you an update.  

Tomorrow I work 4 hours and done for 2 days.  I will look forward to that.  

Thursday night

 This will be quick.  I did the "new" route to work and it was much safer.  I was standing at the bus stop wondering if I really needed to do this and I kid you not, some maniac in a white sports car goes tearing by at easily 80 mph.  That's why I'm not jaywalking anymore, it's just not safe.  

I got to work on time and that was good.  Did my job.  I have a new immediate boss, and the boss over her has been promoted so the new guy is a question mark.  I spoke to him once, gave him a message and he was nice.  So I will see.  I'm not worried.  That's the nice thing about being a bottom feeder the big ripples don't affect me much.  

Jack got me and brought me home.  He was aghast when I let it slip it takes me a while to get to work each day.  I didn't mean to make him feel bad.  He remains happy to help, which is fantastic.  

I called my parents they are good.  I saw Spotty, I did not see him earlier and was missing him, but he got up on me and drooled on my hand like he does.  I gave them a can of wet food and they were happy for it.  Biscuit ate a lot and then vomited.  Probably best with his condition.  I am going to bed.  

Have a good one.  

Thursday morning

 Anxiety is a feature of my daily life now.  I feel like it's insulting to God.  I know He will take care of my issues.  But it is there.  

#1.  My boss asked me to do something Monday right before I had to leave.  I got someone else to do it.  Am I going to get in trouble for that?  I don't know.  I told her, repeatedly, I had to go.  She said she understood.  Also my replacement was due 5 minutes before I left... so I feel like I did what I could but will they see it that way?  I don't know.  

2.  Transportation. [I have to digress Torbie came up to me so I picked her up and held her, petting her, for a few minutes].  So I have a SUPER busy street right outside the subdivision.  I have to bolt across it to catch the bus every day, not much fun and very scary.  I have huge PTSD related to traffic since the accident and even worse since his death.  Do I go the safe way and go out early, catch the southbound bus one stop and then cross the street at a light?  Or do I go out a little later and bolt?  I don't know probably the first.  

But first of all I need to take my shower so going to do that.  Done.  Also did my Bible study a lot about being meek and not fighting back when people talk about you...has me dreading what I may find at work!  We will see.  I do strive to make Jesus happy in all I do.  

Had a little snack I will have my lunch at work.  I take my evening pills at home, after work, so it doesn't really matter what I have on my lunch at work.  Not a big meal usually.  Tomorrow I may make some sandwiches just for a change.  I will do a shake when I get home.  

I decided I will take the longer, safer, way to work today.  Catch the southbound bus, ride one stop, cross at the light, which my aunt and I verified does work, ride the northbound bus to my connector bus to work.  Like I said more time but safer.  I am thinking I will just do that every day.  

Bonus it does provide me with another recipient (bus driver) for the candy and scripture booklet.  One reason I think God may want me doing it this way.  

Just sad and anxious today not sure if it is missing Ron or just my brain.  Hard to tell sometimes.  Yeah, I could probably use counseling but getting there would be a pain, plus who's going to pay for it?   So I won't worry.  My family all say I am doing well and my parents are trained chaplains who run a grief support group.  

That's it for now, I may do another post after work but I will have to see how I feel.